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Are you serving other people's values
- not your own? Are you entangled in past relationships?
We help motivated adults free themselves from limiting beliefs and
entanglements.
Part 1: Which Beliefs are actually BONDS?
As I developed what I later called Soulwork
Systemic Coaching, I explored many current models of emotions, beliefs and
relationships used by diverse helping professionals. At the core of my emerging model of
consciousness arose concepts that seem so obvious and practical now, that it is
strange to remember when I did not use them. One of these
concepts is belief-bonds.
I use the word belief to refer to
a feeling of conviction about a verbal statement; and the word bond to refer to a
feeling of connectedness, enmeshment or entanglement. While beliefs are more
conscious, and bonds more unconscious, both beliefs and bonds motivate and
modify behavior.
Two important breakthroughs in my understanding
were to realize that many beliefs are actually bonds, and that some beliefs (I
sometimes call them identity beliefs) are substitutes or compensation for a sense
of self. I use the term Bondwork to mean helping people explore and replace
unwanted bonds.
2. Bonds & Identity Loss
... 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
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The roots of this part of my methodology
include the work of Phineas Quimby, a healer who was
credited with healing thousands of people by changing their beliefs. Quimby wrote
that education and religion were the primary cause of destructive
beliefs that manifested as disease symptoms. I would add ... parents. |
Some examples of supportive bonds include:
- Feeling at home in your body
- Feeling connected to a meaningful life purpose
- Feeling connected to a mentor whom you wish to
emulate
- Feeling connected to children or pets whom you nourish
and care for
- Feeling connected to family members or to people
whom you respect or enjoy
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Fixations:
Close attachments to other people, especially
parents or mentors ... psychoanalytic theory refers
to fixations of sexual energy either in specific erogenous zones or to specific
objects ... I perceive fixations as entanglements and bonds |
Examples of constraining bonds or fixations include beliefs
that were uncritically accepted from other people, particularly from parents and
mentors. The effects of
limiting bonds include:
- Feeling isolated, lost, lonely or disconnected
- Failing to find a sense of life, or a
meaningful life purpose
- Feeling strong, often chronic emotions which do not make
sense
- Feeling stuck to people or to places that you want to leave
or avoid
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Another root of my Bondwork is in the pre-contact
huna healing used by
native Hawaiians. They
referred to ele'ele eke (black bags) of emotions held in the body which
were difficult to heal except through ho'oponopono
(a type of family therapy). |
I and my graduates help people recognize and change limiting
beliefs and bonds, some of which we call taboo. Taboo implies that people
may not allow themselves to recognize
their bonds - because to do so would threaten an important relationship. We
routinely help motivated adults explore the relationship roots of
their intense emotions, compulsive behaviors and obsessive beliefs, and change the emotional roots of
self-sabotage, obsessions
and compulsions.
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Dissolving relationship belief-bonds
and fixations can change obsessions and compulsions into ordinary temptations. |
Many Beliefs are Fixed Ideas
What do you HAVE to believe to remain in your
job? What MUST you believe to stay in your marriage? What SHOULD you believe to
be a good citizen? What are you REQUIRED to believe to participate in a religion? And if
you find that your beliefs limit your happiness and sense of life, can you change
them?
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Parental Alienation
Syndrome (PAS) (a parent alienates the other parent in the mind of a
child) and/or emotional incest (a parent
or guardian uses a child as a substitute for a partner) often accompany relationship
bonds. |
Many times we hear, "I want to be
healthy, but not at the expense of changing my beliefs about ... xxx", where
xxx is often a life philosophy, political slogan or religious dogma. Many beliefs seem to be more
important than health, and some seem to be more important than life.
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Of course I want to be healthy - but not
if it means changing my beliefs, changing my self-image or changing
my lifestyle.
Heard from many, many clients ... Martyn Carruthers |
The shared experiences and love that bond family
members are the basis for some of the strongest relationship bonds that humans
can experience. But while people need strong nurturing family bonds to function in a
society of families, many people remain bonded by unpleasant or toxic family beliefs.
Members of some organizations strive to create
obsessive bonds and fixations to their agendas. Consider a political
party, a military organization, network marketing, religious cult or
a sports team. Such obsessions and fixations leave people
highly vulnerable to compliance and manipulation.
Shared experiences generate relatively weak relationship bonds. Stronger bonds can be
culture and traditions. Even stronger are
symbiosis and codependence. The strongest are identifications.
See how to assess emotional bonds.
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In 1664,
Spinoza
wrote, Ethics of Human Bondage or the Strength of the Emotions.
Spinoza wrote
that bondage relates to human weakness in moderating emotions.
According to Spinoza, ‘when a man is prey to his emotions, he is not his
own master, but lies at the mercy of fortune.’ |
If you experienced trauma or
abuse, or if you were victim of
emotional incest or
therapy damage, you may suffer
from limiting
beliefs and dysfunctional habits that impact many of your relationships.
If you are bonded to certain people or groups - triggering these bonds can cause
you to suffer the consequences of unresolved relationship issues and other
emotional baggage!
The strongest bonded relationships seem to be
based on a shared sense of identity. Some bonds beginning with I am (such as
"I am an Amway distributor") appear to be
substitutes for identity - and hence I see them as a type of identity
loss. I often find that much dysfunctional behavior appears to be based on
beliefs
that provide feelings of connection or a sense of identity.
My name is BOND
Psychological obsessions can be conscious or
unconscious. You are aware of conscious bonds - you can describe your connectedness
to some people, groups and organizations. You are not normally aware of unconscious
(taboo) bonds that may influence your perception of yourself and your
relationships with important people. Probably you think and act in certain ways,
without knowing why.
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Many people manage relationship
disappointments by creating
relationship bonds! |
Relational bonds encourage you to cling to beliefs,
obsessions and compulsions. People often describe the more conscious relationship
bonds as colored tubes or ropes or shadows between themselves and others. This
synesthesia provides information about the nature of the bonds.
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Many psychologists create and promote
marketing programs
designed to install obsessions and compulsions -
in you! |
Taboo relationship beliefs are often localized in
body organs or muscles - often associated with symptoms and diseases that
may be called psychosomatic. Dissociated relationship
beliefs are often felt near the body - people often spontaneously describe them
as blocks, walls, dark clouds or entities.
Relationship fixations determine what feels
true or right. If you are bonded to ineffective or dysfunctional people,
you may have irrational beliefs and behave strangely during times of
stress (work or family problems, etc), when symptoms prevent normal functioning.
You may feel unable to live a happy life.
Many people are damaged during relationships with well-meaning
parents,
teachers, mentors and
therapists. The consequences of relationship damage
(often experienced as abandonment,
abuse or betrayal) include fixed limiting beliefs, obsessions,
compulsions and body reactions that we use to compensate for perceived injustice.
Part 2. Bonds &
Identity Loss
Part 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
We help people recognize and resolve
unwanted relationship bonds;
and
dissolve the consequences of spiritual and therapist damage.
Click HERE to Explore your Emotional Bonds
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1999-2010
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