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Are you entangled in bonded relationships?
Are you unable to move forward, forever spinning in circles? Do you want to
coach people to reclaim their freedom from from their childhood trauma, their
parents' drama, their partners' demands, their boss's moods? Do you want
to change?
2. Bonds & Identity Loss
... 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
Are You BONDED by Beliefs?
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The roots of this part of our methodology
include the work of Phineas Quimby, a healer who was
credited with healing thousands of people by changing their beliefs. Quimby wrote
that education and religion were the primary cause of destructive
beliefs that manifested as disease symptoms. We would add ... parents. |
In our systemic coaching, a belief refers to
a feeling of conviction about a verbal statement and a bond refers to a
sense of connectedness, enmeshment or entanglement. Although often unconscious, bonds support or
constrain behavior. Examples of supportive bonds include:
- Feeling at home in your body
- Feeling connected to a meaningful life purpose
- Feeling connected to a mentor whom you wish to
emulate
- Feeling connected to children or pets whom you nourish
and care for
- Feeling connected to family members or to people
whom you respect or enjoy
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Fixations:
Close attachments to other people, especially
parents or mentors ... psychoanalytic theory refers
to fixations of sexual energy either in specific erogenous zones or to specific
objects... we perceive fixations as entanglements and bonds |
Examples of constraining bonds or fixations include beliefs
that were uncritically accepted from other people particularly from parents and
mentors. Examples of the effects of
limiting identity beliefs include:
- Feeling isolated, lost, lonely or disconnected
- Failing to find a sense of life, or a
meaningful life purpose
- Feeling strong, often chronic emotions which do not make
sense
- Feeling stuck to people or to places that you want to leave
or avoid
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One root of our Bondwork is in the pre-contact
huna healing used by
native Hawaiians. They
referred to ele'ele eke (black bags) of emotions held in the body which
were difficult to heal except through ho'oponopono
(a type of family therapy). |
We help people recognize and change limiting
beliefs and bonds, many of which we call taboo. Taboo implies that people
may not allow themselves to recognize
their bonds. We coach people to explore the relationship roots of
compulsive behavior and obsessive beliefs, and change the emotional roots of
self-sabotage, obsessions
and compulsions.
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Dissolving relationship belief-bonds
and fixations can change obsessions and compulsions into ordinary temptations. |
Many Beliefs are Fixed Ideas
What do you HAVE to believe to remain in your
job? What MUST you believe to stay in your marriage? What SHOULD you believe to
be a good citizen? What are you REQUIRED to believe to participate in a religion? And if
you find that your beliefs limit your happiness and sense of life, how can you change?
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Parental Alienation
Syndrome (PAS) (a parent alienates the other parent in the mind of a
child) and/or emotional incest (a parent
or guardian uses a child as a substitute for a partner) often accompany relationship
bonds. |
Many times we hear, "I want to be
healthy, but not at the expense of changing my beliefs about ... xxx", where
xxx is often a religious dogma or life philosophy. Some beliefs seem to be more
important than health, and some seem to be more important than life.
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Of course I want to be healthy - but not
if it means changing my religious beliefs, changing my self-image or changing
how I live.
Heard from many clients ... Martyn Carruthers |
The shared experiences and love that bond family
members are the basis for some of the strongest relationship bonds that humans
can experience. While we need strong nurturing family bonds to function in a
society of families, many people remain bonded by unpleasant or toxic beliefs.
Members of some organizations can damage or
replace unfulfilled fixations, perhaps replacing them with bonds to a political
party, military organization, network marketing, religious cult or
a sporting team. Obsessions and fixations leave us
vulnerable to compliance and manipulation.
Weak relationship bonds include shared
experiences. Stronger bonds can be promises and traditions. Even stronger are
symbiosis and codependence. The strongest are identifications.
See how to assess emotional bonds.
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In 1664,
Spinoza
wrote, Ethics of Human Bondage or the Strength of the Emotions.
Spinoza wrote
that bondage relates to human weakness in moderating emotions.
According to Spinoza, ‘when a man is prey to his emotions, he is not his
own master, but lies at the mercy of fortune.’ |
If you experienced trauma or
abuse, or if you were victim of
emotional incest or
therapy damage, you may suffer
from limiting
beliefs and dysfunctional habits that impact your family, work and social life.
If you are bonded to certain people or groups - triggering these bonds can cause
you to suffer the consequences of unresolved relationship issues and other emotional baggage!
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I was
in a cinema with my girlfriend watching the Madagascar-2 cartoon. I was laughing
- yet I started to feel sorrow, my stomach was pulsing, with deep breathing and
tears on my cheeks. I don’t know what was going on …
SG Slovakia |
The strongest bonded relationships seem to be
based on a shared sense of identity. Relationship bonds can be
substitutes for identity - and hence a form of identity
loss. Often, dysfunctional behavior appears to be based on toxic beliefs
that support pleasant feelings of connection and identity.
My name is BOND
Psychological obsessions can be conscious or
unconscious. You are aware of conscious bonds - you can describe your connectedness
to some people, groups and organizations. You are not normally aware of unconscious
(taboo) bonds that may influence your perception of yourself and your
relationships with important people. You think and act in certain ways,
without knowing why.
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People often control trauma by creating
relationship bonds! |
Relational bonds encourage you to cling to beliefs,
obsessions and compulsions. People often describe the more conscious relationship
bonds as colored tubes or ropes or shadows between themselves and others. This
synesthesia provides information about the nature of the bonds.
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Many psychologists create and promote
marketing programs.
They strive to install obsessions and compulsions -
in you! |
Taboo relationship beliefs are often localized in
the body - in organs or muscles - often associated with symptoms and diseases that
may be called psychosomatic. Dissociated relationship
beliefs are often felt near the body - people often spontaneously describe them
as blocks, walls or dark clouds.
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I have stayed in my job too long. It
is like a ton of black coal over my head.
AD,
Rijeka, Croatia |
Relationship fixations determine what feels
true or right. If you are bonded to ineffective or dysfunctional people,
you may have irrational beliefs and behave strangely during times of
stress (work or family problems, etc), when symptoms prevent normal functioning.
You may be unable to live a happy life.
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Signs of Relationship Fixations |
- irrational beliefs about self
- cannot define specific goals
- cannot describe thoughts clearly
- cannot remember unpleasant events
- irrational obsessions or compulsions
- difficulty describing emotions or feelings
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- endless abstract complaints
- chronic psychosomatic disease
- impulsive - poor impulse control
- chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS)
- psychosomatic muscle problems
- can only relax in bonded relationships
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Many people are damaged during relationships with well-meaning
parents,
teachers, mentors and
therapists. The consequences of relationship damage
(experienced as abandonment,
abuse or betrayal) often include fixed limiting beliefs, obsessions,
compulsions and body reactions that we use to compensate for perceived injustice.
2. Bonds &
Identity Loss
3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
Our Systems 5 training you can learn how to help people recognize and resolve relationship bonds; and
on Systems 7 you can learn how to
dissolve the consequences of toxic therapy and therapist damage.
Would you like
to benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1999-2010
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