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Are you entangled in bonded
relationships? Are you unable to move forward, forever spinning in circles? Do you want to
coach people to reclaim their freedom from from
their childhood trauma, their parents' drama, their partners' demands, their
boss's moods? Contact us.
2. Bonds & Identity Loss
... 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
Are you BONDED?
In systemic coaching, a bond refers to a sense of connectedness
or entanglement,
which may be supportive or limiting. Examples of supportive bonds can include:
- Feelings of connection to family members or other people
whom you respect or enjoy
- Feelings of connection to a meaningful life purpose that
you wish to fulfill
- Feelings of connection to a mentor whom you wish to
emulate in some way
- Feelings of connection to all living things,
or to the world, or to the cosmos
While examples of limiting bonds may include:
- Feelings of stuckness to people or places that you want to leave
or avoid.
- Feelings of inability to find sense of life, or to fulfill a
meaningful life purpose
- Feelings of isolation, loss, loneliness ... especially in
relationship contexts
- Limiting beliefs that were uncritically accepted from
another person
We coach people to recognize and change their
limiting bonds. This is relatively advanced coaching, as limiting bonds are
often taboo. Taboo implies that we may not allow ourselves to recognize
our bonds. We have to sneak up on them while they're not looking. One way to do
that is to focus on the generalizations or beliefs that accompany or represent
bonds. Another is to focus on the emotional roots of self-sabotage, obsessions and compulsions.
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Dissolving relationship bonds can change
obsessions and compulsions into ordinary temptations. Martyn Carruthers |
Many Beliefs are Bonds
What do you HAVE to believe to remain in your
job? What MUST you believe to stay in your marriage? What SHOULD you believe to
be a good citizen? What are you REQUIRED to believe to participate in a religion? And if
you find that your beliefs limit your happiness and sense of life, how can you change?
Many times we hear people say, "I want to be
healthy, but not at the expense of changing my beliefs about ... xxx", where
xxx is often some religious dogma or life philosophy. Some beliefs seem to be more
important than health, or even life.
The shared experiences and love that bond family
members are the basis for some of the strongest relationship bonds that humans
can experience. While we all need strong nurturing family bonds to function in a
society of families, some people are bonded by unpleasant or toxic beliefs.
Family projects, or a family business can involve the whole family and help
rekindle special family bonds.
Members of some organizations can damage or
replace unfulfilled family bonds, perhaps replacing them with bonds to a
political party, military organization, network marketing, religious cult or
supporters of a sporting team. Unfulfilled relationship bonds leave us
vulnerable to manipulation.
Some relational bonds encourage you to stay in
relationships and to cling to beliefs, obsessions and
compulsions. Weak relationship bonds include shared memories. Stronger bonds can
be promises and traditions. Even stronger are shared emotions and
identifications. See how to assess emotional bonds.
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In 1664,
Spinoza
wrote, Ethics of Human Bondage or the Strength of the Emotions.
Spinoza wrote
that bondage relates to human weakness in moderating emotions.
According to Spinoza, ‘when a man is prey to his emotions, he is not his
own master, but lies at the mercy of fortune.’ |
If you experienced trauma or
abuse, or if you were victim of
emotional incest or
therapy damage, you may suffer
relationship bonds as limiting
beliefs and dysfunctional habits that impact your family, work and social life.
You may suffer from identity loss
that bonds you to certain people or groups.
The strongest bonded relationships seem to be
based on a shared sense of identity. Relationship bonds can be
substitutes for identity - and hence a form of identity
loss. Often, dysfunctional behavior appears to be based on toxic beliefs
that support pleasant feelings of connection and identity.
My name is BOND
Psychological bonds can be conscious or
unconscious. You are aware of conscious bonds - you can describe your connections
to some people, groups and organizations. You are not normally aware of
any unconscious (taboo) bonds that may influence your perception of
yourself and your relationships with important people. You may think and act in
certain ways, without knowing why.
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People often control trauma by creating
relationship bonds!
Teresa Mocna, Systemic Coach Trainer |
People often describe the more conscious relationship
bonds as colored lines or tubes or shadows between themselves and others. This
synesthesia provides information about the nature of the bonds.
Taboo relationship bonds are often localized in
the body - in organs or muscles - often associated with symptoms that
may be called psychosomatic. Dissociated relationship
bonds are often near the body - a person may spontaneously describe
them as imagined blocks, walls or a dark clouds.
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I stayed in my last job far too long. It
felt like a ton of black coal over my head. That's all behind me now.
Rijeka, Croatia |
Relationship bonds determine what feels
true or right. If you are bonded to ineffective or dysfunctional people,
you may have irrational beliefs and behave strangely during times of
stress (work or family problems, etc), when symptoms prevent normal functioning.
You may be unable to live a happy life.
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Common Signs of Relationship Bonds |
- irrational beliefs about self
- irrational obsessions or compulsions
- difficulty describing emotions or feelings
- cannot describe thoughts clearly
- cannot define specific goals
- cannot remember unpleasant events
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- can only relax in bonded relationships
- endless abstract complaints
- impulsive - poor impulse control
- chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS)
- psychosomatic muscle problems
- chronic psychosomatic disease
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Many people are damaged during relationships with well-meaning
parents,
teachers, mentors and
therapists. The consequences of relationship damage
(such as abandonment,
abuse and betrayal) often include fixed limiting beliefs, obsessions,
compulsions
and body reactions that compensate for perceived injustice.
You are not alone. We can help you dissolve
emotional entanglements and relationship bonds.
2. Bonds &
Identity Loss
3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach
training? Our Systemic 5 training can train you to coach people to recognize and
resolve relationship bonds; and Systemic 7 training can show you how to dissolve the
consequences of toxic therapy and mentor damage. Contact us.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1999 - 2008
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Relationship Coaching
: Coach Training
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or telephone: +4 860 275 8295 or +38 591 881 2682