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We help people who are enmeshed in the difficult relationships and
painful emotions often called emotional blackmail. We coach people
to untangle their lives with empathy - not sympathy.
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Identifying emotional, relationship or
mental problems does not solve them!
We help people change their emotions, relationships and minds ...
and keep the change. |
Do people speak badly of you?
Emotional blackmail is emotional abuse!
It is usually motivated by a desire to manipulate
or control, often by people who claim good intentions. Some victims
of emotional blackmail may perceive being abused as normal,
although all forms of emotional abuse have heavy consequences.
We help people understand emotional abuse, protect themselves
from emotional blackmail, triangulation and over-diagnosis by therapists. We help people
find relief and emotional freedom.
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People who abuse or manipulate others
may be unable to enjoy healthy relationships until they accept and
assimilate their inner demons. We coach people through this.
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Emotional blackmail includes excessive demands,
punishment for normal behavior, unwanted displays of attachment
(love), withholding affection or care and threats of humiliation. The damage caused
by this emotional abuse often manifests as dysfunctional relationship
habits and suffering. We help people regain their emotional freedom and
develop healthy maturity.
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My mother told me many times that she only
conceived me so that I would look after her in her old age, and that if I
leave home - she will suicide. I am 24. |
Like covert emotional incest, emotional blackmail often indicates
dependence by people who are preoccupied with power. Most often, the real victims of
this abuse are children. If you have had enough of this in your family, let's work together to
end the craziness and regain emotional freedom!
Mother's Boys
. Father-Daughter Bonds
. Parental Alienation
Where are you Now?
I composed a simple table of partnership behavior years ago,
then realized that these
behaviors also apply to many other relationships, such as relationships
with friends, relatives, family, neighbors etc.
| Healthy
Relationship |
Relationship
in Crisis |
They often show
appreciation and
gratitude to each other |
One or both are often
dissociated,
irritated, depressed or in crisis |
People respond to
most verbal and
nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore,
avoid or shorten
most communications |
| They review events
in their history |
They rarely review
their relationship history |
| People greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together,
without even silent intimacy |
| They enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often
ignore or criticize
the other's goals and needs |
They often discuss
goals and dreams,
shared values and shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals, values or dreams |
| They share meals and
chores together |
They often cook, eat
or do chores alone |
| They often go out
together |
They generally
prefer to go out alone |
| They create
projects which require cooperation |
One or both avoid,
ignore or give small attention to shared projects |
| They wish to enjoy sharing
relationship happiness |
One or both want to separate
but cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and make angry demands |
| They want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
What is Emotional Blackmail?
Some people may attempt to influence or control you by
manipulating your emotions. This emotional blackmail often follows a cycle of Demands -
Resistance - Pressure - Threats - Compliance.
- You feel dominated - your life feels controlled
- You feel intimidated by unreasonable demands
- You feel attacked with words, laughter or threats
- You feel manipulated by guilt, fear or compassion
Most emotional blackmailers want power. They are often anxious
and insecure - they may believe that they can relieve their frustrations by
controlling other people, especially during a crisis such as separation or
divorce, loss of a job, illness or retirement. We find that many emotional
blackmailers were overprotected as children and did not develop confidence or
skill in problem solving by themselves.
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Do you cause
family, friends or co-workers to suffer
because you have emotional problems and you won't get help? |
Preventing or ending emotional blackmail requires active
participation, although some people may feel that they cannot resist a
blackmailer's pressure. We can help people who :
- fear a blackmailer's anger
- need a blackmailer's approval
- endlessly doubt or criticize themselves
- blame themselves for other people's emotions
Consequences of Emotional Blackmail on Children
Emotional blackmail, extended criticism or contempt can have
severe consequences, especially for children. Victims often become silent,
watchful, shy, uneasy and lonely. They may later respond with aggression
and anger to people who attempt to be friendly. Such children may be
diagnosed as having attachment disorders. For these children, kindness
may seem like a threat!
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My husband is totally fixated on his mother
...
he wants me to mother him
but I don't want to sleep with a little boy in a man's body.
Singapore
|
We help people find solutions for emotional blackmail. Common symptoms
include:
- people feel inadequate
- people feel inferior or unappealing
- people avoid interpersonal contacts
- people fear criticism, disapproval or rejection
- people feel upset about ANY critical evaluation
Abusive Victims
Abusers often justify their emotional blackmail with
their fear - abusers are often afraid to lose something important (material
or immaterial) that their victims provide. This can include the loss of a
home, access to money, the loss of credibility, the loss of a partner, sexual
intimacy and the loss of parenting opportunities, etc. Most people who resort
to emotional blackmail fear losing something.
To gain coercion, compliance and dominance, abusers may:
- Act like victims
- Make angry threats
- Install limiting beliefs
- Block the victim's goals
- Disguise abuse as humor
- Withhold essential information
- Forget promises or agreements
- Contradict their victim's perspectives
- Invalidate their victim's reality and perceptions
- Trivialize their victims thoughts and achievements
Abusers can come from any background - most seem to learn to
abuse by watching their parents. Some abusers are helping professionals such as
doctors, therapists and healers. (See
therapist-client codependence). We can help people resolve most forms of abuse.
Common Emotional Blackmail
- Goals (You must help me fulfill my
important goals)
- Guilt (I sacrificed my life for you
... so you must do whatever I tell you.)
- Dependent / Codependent (I cannot
cope without you so you must do as I say.)
- Shared psychosis (We are united
against the world / You are my one and only true love)
- Punish (You must follow my principles,
beliefs, religion or instructions - or I will punish you)
Victim Paradox
We note that victims often have more power than
victimizers. A resourceful person, by acting resourceless, can
manipulate entire families, teams or
communities. Members of a family, team or community may not know who
are real victims. Squeaking wheels often get more grease.
A common symptom associated with abuse and
emotional blackmail is chronic anger. A person (usually a child
or a junior member of an organization) may identify with a victim and express
intense and chronic anger to the victimizer, often explosively and inappropriately.
This anger may be projected (transferred) onto people who remind
a victim-identified person of the victimizer.
Emotional Freedom
Emotional blackmail is abuse - and the blackmailers (who
are often relatives) may
threaten to punish you for resisting their control. Emotional blackmailers often
know your vulnerabilities and your secrets, and they use this knowledge to gain
your compliance. We help people avoid or resolve the terrible consequences of
emotional blackmail and find their emotional freedom.
Online Coaching & Mentorship for Emotional Blackmail
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2003-2012 All rights reserved
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