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Covert hostility is a relationship disease fueled by
insecurity and anger. Passive aggression
can damage relationships and alienate important people. Such covertly hostile
behavior is usually motivated by
chronic anger.
While most people can be aggressive sometimes, most passive-aggressive people are
afraid of their own anger - and avoid expressing it.
Passive Aggression & Covert Hostility
Have you noticed that some people may be very nice to you, but later,
when they feel safe, they may ridicule, insult, attack or steal from you? Some
people may promise you something, and later forget or procrastinate. Or perhaps
you sometimes do these things to other people?
The words passive aggressive often describes such people. These words summarize the suffering
of people who react to demands with hidden fear and later rebel with hidden anger.
As secrecy and silence are common passive aggressive habits, these
people may be unable to say why they act this way - and be creative
genius at denying, justifying or rationalizing their behavior.
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My husband would make a mess each day
and expect me to clean it up. I did this for years until one day I walked
out - to a lawyer. It seemed to be over. Then we had some couple coaching sessions with you
... we are both pleased with our changed lifestyle. Singapore |
Too Scared to be Angry
Passive aggression is unconscious. If
a person consciously pretends to be passive as a tool or as a weapon, then
the words diplomatic, strategic or even covertly hostile
may be appropriate. Passive aggressive behavior hides fear and masks anger
... and can create chaos in relationships and in life.
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My wife says I'm cold but I'm not.
She says we have many problems but we don't. Things aren't bad,
but she cries a lot and says I don't love her. I do love her, I don't hurt
her or try to control her and I don't know what is her problem. She needs
your coaching, not me. |
These people act passively or as victims
as a way of dealing with problems. They may respond to tasks with
excuses, complaints, procrastination and forgetfulness. They
may avoid completing tasks, perhaps claiming to be sick when a
task is due. They may blame others to avoid responsibility.
Passive aggressive behavior not only abuses other people.
It is also self-harm. It is a way to avoid forming and fulfilling
deep human bonds. Relationships with passive aggressive people may feel
emotionally frozen. Yet they don't deliberately hurt you or others -
they fear the consequences of expressing their true emotions - even to
themselves. And their justifications can cause other problems.
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I'm a good manager. I don't flatter my
employees. My management style makes them feel insecure which makes them
more competitive and creative, which increases our success ... the high
turnover of staff is the fault of the Human Resources department!
Coventry, UK |
You may see characteristics of passive aggression in people
diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,
antisocial disorders and avoidant personality disorders. (Note that all these
disorders are opinions that cannot be confirmed in a laboratory.)
So why ... ?
Immature or over-demanding parents often teach their children to
hide their emotions. These children may appear subdued, appearing to lose
vitality. Even as children, their lives may not make sense. Later in life, these
hidden emotions may be triggered by or projected onto other people - often
authorities such as teachers, police and team leaders ... and perhaps
transferred onto
their partners.
We hear many such stories during coaching. Often these people had
unstable parents, or parents who demanded that the children do things beyond their
ability. The children learned to hide feelings, goals and tasks, until they excelled
at avoiding confrontations, responsibility and success.
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They call me passive
aggressive but they are wrong. They are jealous because I don't work
so hard ... they blame me for everything, just like my parents ... I
had to look after my sisters since I was six ... I never had time to
be me ... I was just a babysitter London, UK |
Passive Aggression in Relationships
Passive aggressive people can be charming but they move
through life like knights on a chessboard—two steps forward and a step to
the side. They may want company but avoid commitment. They may act childishly
in the presence of people who remind them of a parent, and they may be unable
to end inappropriate or even unpleasant relationships, especially with people
who are somehow like a parent.
Submissive resistance to performance often damages teamwork,
partnership, parenthood and other responsible relationships. Passive-aggressive
people may have problems saying, "No", and not finish tasks
that they committed to do. They avoid showing anger but are often envious of
other people's success. They often prefer symbiotic or codependent relationships.
Some other signs are:
- easily irritated
- avoid telling the whole truth
- make excuses or blames others
- may have sexual or romantic affairs
- start arguments and fights about trivia
- deny emotions and avoids commitment
- excel in negotiating separation or divorce
- deny their behavior or claims good intentions
- avoid or forget to do their share of household
tasks
They can be abstract, vague and philosophical - other
people may often ask them what they are really thinking. They
may encourage people to think that they have failed, so that they
can feel superior and relax. They may feel that they are so
special that societal rules don't apply to them.
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My wife often simmered with
anger. She was always suspicious. Before our marriage she criticized and
insulted her first husband. After our marriage she criticized and insulted me.
We separated over two years ago but she is still trying to abuse me.
Montreal, Canada |
Help for Passive Aggression
Psychotherapy for passive aggression can take a long time.
Some therapists told us that they avoid accepting clients with passive aggressive
symptoms because such people do not respond well (to their cognitive techniques).
Our coaching tends to provide rapid benefits. We find
passive-aggressive behaviors to be ways of coping that can be replaced, once
the suppressed and childish emotions are experienced and assimilated. We find that
unconscious aggression is often driven by childish anger, and often suppressed
by childish fear, a complex conflict between
childish personality parts. (Such inner conflict often seems to originate
in or be worsened by emotional incest.)
Many people who seek our coaching have already given
up on therapy, so we quickly identify and discuss their goals, behavior and
help them undo any therapy damage. If they
have tried to resolve passive aggression with incompetent practitioners,
they may believe that their situations are hopeless. They may be unable to
assess their own behavior, and they often rationalize or justify it, or
communicate that they are helpless victims of their parents, partners,
managers, etc.
During our coaching, we often find split-off,
age-regressed 'personality parts' . We coach people to accept and assimilate
their conflicting parts and then dissolve any underlying beliefs about showing
emotions; beliefs which will likely be based on childhood abuse or perceived
abandonment.
The aggressive side of passive-aggression often arises
from buried childhood anger, and the passive side from hidden childhood fear.
The childish need for love and attention and the parents' rejection of their
children's emotions may have made anger a risk to be hidden.
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My mother gave me endless mixed signals,
like, "You can play outside or you can stay with me." I needed a
PhD in psychology and telephone sessions with you before I could recognize
this ... Now I accept her anger, her fear
and her ability to distort the truth. Now her issues
are her issues ... not mine! Now I can relax!; Boston, Mass
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Coaching success comes when people who were labeled as passive-aggressive
can define and achieve what they want - when they can calmly say to authorities,
“No, I won’t do that!”, or say to certain people, "Our relationship
is over!", and build relationships based on honesty and candor.
Online Coaching for Passive
Aggressive Adults
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2008-2012 All rights reserved |
