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We help people dissolve emotional blocks and mood swings after affairs and
during separation,
divorce, bereavement and other family situations.
Separation and Divorce are Major Life Events!
For how long have you been considering or anticipating
separation or divorce? For months ... or for years? Or was your partner's
announcement a complete shock? If you are considering separation or divorce,
or ending an affair, you may experience emotional conflicts and mood swings.
You may find yourself doing strange things. You are not alone.
A 1985 study in Australia showed that partnership separation was traumatic,
similar to a death in the family, for over 80% of people. A mutual (emotionally
mature) decision to separate comprised less than 20% of all divorces.
(Jordan (1985) Effects of marital separation on men"
Brisbane Section, Family Court of Australia.) Divorce
often seems to follow a lack of shared values, interests or responsibilities.
Starting in 1972, Dr. John Gottman (a Professor Emeritus
at the University of Washington) studied married couples, focusing on: 1)
couples that divorced, 2) couples that stayed together and were
unhappy, and 3) couples that reained together and were happy.
Dr. Gottman said that it’s much more important to understand
why certain actions increase the risk of divorce rather than to
predict it. He cited two main reasons (and times) for divorce:
- Divorce after 5 to 7 years is often due to high conflict
- Divorce after 10 to 12 years is often due to lost
intimacy
Which destructive behaviors best predict separation and
divorce? Dr. Gottman described the four most corrosive behaviors - criticism,
contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal:
- Criticism: complaining about defects in a
partner’s personality, e.g.: “You only think about yourself. You are so
selfish.”
- Contempt from assumed superiority, e.g. “Everybody
knows that you’re a bad person.”
- Defensiveness: claiming indignation or innocence,
e.g.: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late.”
- Withdrawal: avoiding contact, e.g.: giving no
nonverbal signals of listening or paying attention.
Criticism, contempt and defensiveness predict divorce at an
average of 5.6 years after a wedding. Emotional withdrawal (by itself) predicts
a later divorce – an average of 16.2 years after a wedding.
From First Indications to Decision Time
The first cracks in a marriage or committed partnership are
often so small that they are ignored. Later, signs of discontentment often surface
as inappropriate anger over details. Shaving stubble in the bathroom sink.
Lipstick on a washed cup. A wet towel left on the floor ... again.
Yet even when life together is unpleasant,
making a decision to leave or separate may be difficult. Perhaps you have
children. Maybe you own property together. You may
feel torn between conflicting loyalties and responsibilities, and between
your feelings and your thoughts. We help people assess what's going on
and make decisions - we help adults decide but we do not try to make decisions for
people.
See Partnership Breakdown.
If you or your partner decide to separate, your life will change.
You may feel lost, perhaps haunted by broken dreams and guilt. You may ask,
"What did I do wrong?" and "What else could I have done?
" You may experience guilt for any deception or betrayal that you have made.
And some people, including your ex-partner, may try to increase your suffering
... with good intentions of course.
Divorce & Emotions
Separation and divorce are usually accompanied by intense emotions. We find
that emotional divorce may precede legal divorce by years and that dissolving
emotional bonds can be more exhausting than dissolving legal bonds. We offer emotional support. We help
people stay healthy and stay sane.
"Good logic" rarely changes emotional reactions. Many people feel
terrible conflict, blaming themselves for their partner's bad state, especially if
they are religious. Attempts to explain their bad feeling could result in
them perceiving each other as judgmental or critical or even
as the cause of their bad feelings.
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My partner treats an
ex-partner like a child. I want my partner to change ...
(We hear this a lot.)
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Suddenly your home is only a building and your possessions may seem to have
little value. Dividing marital property may seem an onerous task. Married
friends and neighbors may avoid you - you feel like you have an infectious disease.
Your community may
ostracize the partner that they consider most guilty
and support the partner they consider to be most victim.
You may receive hints and invitations for affairs from lonely or hurting
people ... or from predators. This is a good time to refuse or at least postpone
those invitations, unless you want more chaos and confusion. It's usually better
to examine and grieve your partnership, and fully learn from it, than to
distract yourself with shallow relationships or affairs, however tempting
they may seem.
Separation & Divorce
Increasing divorce rates may reflect the anti-family distractions that
fill our Western world. Many people I have coached through
divorce talked about their unwillingness to tolerate disappointing partnerships. Factors that affect divorce
differ around the world - the following apply in Europe and America:
- Laws: Western couples can divorce and remarry relatively easily
- Dual careers: A partner may care for a career more than a partnership
- Parenting: Couples may separate when their children are mature (empty
nest)
- Coping: Aging, drugs and mental incapacities can influence a
couple's ability to cope
- Crisis: Unsolved problems may motivate
one or both partners to leave or to have affairs
- Increased lifespan: Some people partner for 50
years or more, and separate late in life
- Public perception: Affairs, separation and
divorce are increasingly accepted as normal
- Health issues: Mental instability, debilitating
accidents, or disease will impact relationships
- Expectations: If a partnership doesn't meet a partner's ideals,
the problem may be the ideals
- Fewer children: Child-raising may be completed
by the couples' 50's, leaving 20+ years for other
partnership challenges (e.g. grand-parenting, retirement and old age)
Until Therapy Does Us Part
We coach some people to dissolve emotional
blocks, stabilize mood swings and to find relationship solutions in all stages of partnership -
from preparing for partnership to bereavement. We can also coach people through the emotional
steps of separation (and we recommend that people also consult legal professionals,
even if they settle out-of-court.) We help people:
- protect and shelter any children
- avoid pitfalls while they accomplish their goals
- anticipate and defuse potential emotional explosions
- manage their emotions and remain as peaceful as possible
- prepare for the reactions of their family, friends and colleagues
You can request our divorce coaching for a few sessions or for as long as you need help.
People report that our separation
coaching has been valuable for maintaining emotional balance during
divorce.
After Separation
- Are you preparing for another relationship?
- How well are you adjusting to life as a single?
- Does persistent anger, guilt, grief or doubt hold you back?
- Are some areas in your life OK, while you're stuck in others?
Are you are ready to move on with your life? It doesn't matter if it's
been ten weeks or ten years since your separation or divorce. We can help you deal with whatever holds you back, and
encourage you to move forward into a full and
joyful life! You can learn from your past without having to repeat it!
People who blame their spouse rather than marriage itself seem more
likely to remarry after a divorce.
We can help you ... and perhaps your partner
- Adjust to single life
- Move forward safely
- Rediscover integrity
- Set borders and limits
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- Prepare for healthy partnership
- Learn healthy relationship skills
- Rebuild trust and self-confidence
- Take responsibility for your decisions
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We can help you
deal with and redefine the emotional baggage of affairs, separation and divorce.
Online Coaching for Better Relationships
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2012 All rights reserved
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