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We offer relationship coaching, seminars
and workshops on
relationship problem solving, happy families and
wonderful partnership.
Happy Ever After?
Although most people dream of sharing happiness in
partnership, the greatest challenge is often that one or both partners
get stuck in transferences and entanglements that damage their
relationship. Marriage counseling may help, and our couple coaching
helps people dissolve transferences, toxic relationship bonds and
entanglements in short time frames.
How did you learn about partnership as a child?
From books? (... the handsome prince met the beautiful princess
and they lived happily ever after). Perhaps you learned by watching
your parents and relatives. Perhaps you learned about love from TV, movies
or from (oh no) the lyrics of popular music.
But good intentions for
partnership or marriage often dissolve into unpleasant entanglements,
dysfunction, alienation and separation. And, without effective mentorship,
people may repeat habits with subsequent partners, always
wondering "Why me?".
Premarital Counseling
. Couple Coaching .
Predictable Partnership .
Death of Partnership
Staying Together
We begin couple coaching by exploring goals,
complaints and values. We ask each partner (in different ways),
"Can you commit to your own happiness in this partnership?"
- If both congruently answer "Yes",
we ask "How do you want to share love with your
partner?"
- If either answers "No" or
"Don't know", then we can help you
Evaluate your Partnership.
We perceive that many couples who separate or divorce could
have happy partnerships together. They could fulfill each others' needs, support
each other's goals and and live each other's dreams. Yet many people stay together
in unhappy partnerships, bonded by guilt, religious rules, or
financial concerns, even when both partners want to separate.
We help people build
relationship happiness that can have a lasting and profound effect
on partnership - helping both partners change unpleasant conflicts
into positive discussions about what each wants, independently
and together, and the shape of a partnership that can fulfill
both partners' desires.
If a partner assumes that the other should accurately
guess desires, then a partner's poor guessing may seem to indicate a
lack of love or commitment, and happy partnership may seem impossible.
You may forget your partner's qualities, instead perceiving your partner
though limiting or depressing beliefs (e.g. "My partner is lonely,
so I must stay home while my friends go to the theater without me").
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We attended marriage counseling
and I always felt beaten up ... My husband asked if the experiences
of his family of origin could play a part in our marriage. The counselor
said NO! We were still fumbling with this six years and four counselors
later ... Houston, Texas |
Desires, Wishes & Requests
Expressing wishes and goals helps show trust
and a readiness to fulfill a partner's desires and goals. People who
are committed to a partnership or marriage will likely search
for creative and interesting ways to fulfill their partners' desires.
Some desires will not be fulfilled. Partners will
have different priorities, commitments, beliefs, emotions, habits or
finances, so one may refuse to fulfill a wish. A refusal need not
threaten the partnership - unless the wish is actually is a non-negotiable
requirement or demand about a central or core issue.
A requirement or demand
often begins with words like, "For our relationship to
continue, you must ..." - for more on relationship demands see
Evaluating Partnership.
Although no solution can satisfy every couple, we help most
couples find solutions. The relief of expressing desires
and receiving a partner's responses is followed by increased trust
and intimacy. This surge of love can empower both partners to solve
life challenges rather than to avoid them.
Our Partnership Coaching
We help people solve whatever STOPS
them solving their own problems. We help partners become each
other's best resource. We coach partners to coach each other. We assist existing partners to:
- find solutions for partnership challenges
- evaluate unspoken messages to each other
- solve problems together as resourceful, caring adults
- dissolve any entanglements, trauma and toxic history
- communicate desires and requests fully and accurately
The duration of couple coaching depends on your commitment and
resourcefulness; and on your coach’s sensitivity, flexibility and
skill. An experienced coach can usually provide systemic couple
coaching to a motivated, resourceful couple (who are not in crisis
and who can cope with stress) in 6 - 12 hours. The time depends on
both your motivation, maturity and the number of issues to resolve.
Getting Ready for Happiness
Many couples want to make space for happy partnership. You can
prepare this space with individual coaching for both partners
separately; followed by simultaneous couple coaching.
- Many relationship entanglements (e.g. unhealthy bonds to parents or
past-partners) and guilt issues (e.g. family secrets and betrayals) can be
dissolved during preparatory individual systemic coaching with both partners.
- Many existential issues that impact a partnership
(e.g. identity loss, identifications, relationship entanglements
or emotional trauma) can be resolved during our individual coaching.
- If you or your partner doubts whether you want a committed,
long-term partnership, my complementary article
Evaluating Partnership helps partners clarify doubts.
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We coach
partners to discuss values, dissolve conflicts, plan goals and
develop qualities. These activities expose real human beings
and real dreams of happiness, while they decide how they can
express and receive love in everyday life. |
Objections & Commitments
Clear commitments from both you and your partner is usually a resource
for resolving issues - even heavy issues such as abandonment,
abuse, betrayal and adultery.
Commitment to partnership helps partners commit to lasting happiness.
Objections to commitment have many possible sources. The most common
represent the lack of shared values, or the presence of unresolved bonds -
often to a parent or a previous partner.
If you feel guilt or fear from past disappointments; you may doubt
your competence as a partner or you may prefer manipulation to cooperation.
Perhaps you fall into trivial arguments, (e.g. "You put too
much salt in the soup!"), or
perhaps you withdraw into depression, obsessions or addictions.
Steps to Enjoying Partnership
Enjoying Partnership can help you and your partner to simultaneously
and resourcefully resolve your conflicts, discuss your desires, solve
your challenges and dissolve:
- nonverbal objections (e.g. saying "Yes"
while shaking your head "No")
- meaningless, confusing, negative, conflicting or abstract communication
- miscommunications (e.g. arguments about responsibility, or
meanings of actions)
- transferences & transference loops (you respond as if
the other other were someone else)
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Systems 8: Couple Coach Training
This training is for
people who want to guide committed couples to enjoy committed long-term partnerships.
(If either partner is not fully committed to a lasting relationship,
you can offer individual coaching to both partners first.)
- How to check if one or both partners object to being together
- How to coach partners to clearly define their partnership goals
- How to dissolve impasses, objections and transference loops
- How to dissolve entanglements with parents and past-partners etc
- How to help both partners resourcefully plan goals together
- How to coach partners to solve real-life challenges resourcefully
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We usually feel that our couple coaching is complete when both partners can
resourcefully discuss any desire, conflict or life challenge; and feel
ready to handle future (unknown) challenges. This happiness and success is only
possible if both partners are committed to long-term
partnership.
Further objections to committed partnership usually indicate unresolved conflicts,
differing values or unsolved transferences. See
Partnership Breakdown.
Evaluating Partnership and Enjoying Partnership
gives space for both your individual and partnership qualities to emerge,
instead of limiting beliefs, unpleasant emotions and energy-wasting conflicts.
Do you want to dissolve emotional blocks and relationship
issues?
Online Coaching &
Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
1998-2012 All rights reserved.
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