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"Many people fail in life, not for lack of ability or brains or courage,
but because they never organized their energies around a goal." Elbert
Hubbard
How do you KNOW what People want?
My colleagues and I needed an effective format for diagnosing
relationship
problems ... and we eventually created an innovative model that assesses goals,
non-verbal communications (not only body movements but also vocal changes) and
relationship consequences. We called it systemic diagnosis.
Our systemic diagnosis helps us to quickly recognize emotional
and relationship habits, the probable causes of those emotions and predict what
will happen. It is not 100% accurate, but greatly increases the accuracy of our
guesses, intuitions and theories about how and why people create and maintain
problematic relationships.
We call part of this Goal Diagnosis, which
helps us assess emotional blocks and personal histories.
Using it, we can better respond appropriately to nonverbal communication.
Our goal diagnosis provides us with essential information for predicting
individual, couple, family and team behavior.
WFO not UFO: Goal Diagnosis
WFO means Well-Formed Outcome. Although any form of coaching or planning ideally starts
with 'well formed' goal statements (outcomes), few people can specify their
goals in detail. Our goal diagnosis recognizes many weird and wonderful goal statements ...
here are a few examples:
- Childish goals (e.g. I want everything, now)
- Abstract goals (e.g. I only want to be happy)
- Goals lacking times for completion (no deadlines)
- Conflicts and multiple goals (including double binds)
- Word salad (chaotic grammar and sentence structure)
- Goal statements with negative grammar
(e.g. I don't want a divorce)
- Goals with incongruent signals
(I want X (while shaking the head "No"))
- General statements with little sense of direction
(e.g. I want more time off)
- Philosophy (e.g. Someone in my position
should have already achieved goal X)
- Metaphors (e.g. I feel like I'm lost
in a jungle and I can't find a path to the village)
The next step, of course, includes
ways to respond appropriately to goal statements. See Question 1 of our
systemic coaching exam.
While we may hope for clear answers to the question,
"What do you want?", we don't expect them.
Goal questions stress many people. Nobody want to appear
stupid, and many people seem scared of asking for too little ...
or too much.
We find that the neuro-linguistic programming (NLP)
meta model is inadequate for this
task and is more likely to irritate people. Keith Blanchard's theory of
SMART goals can help you recognize a well-formed outcome, if by some miracle
a client can state a SMART goal congruently (without verbal or non-verbal
objections). The acronym SMART has a few variations for goal setting.
Some are:
|
S: specific, significant
M: measurable, meaningful
A: attainable, achievable
R: realistic, relevant, reasonable
T: time-based, timely, tangible |
Double Binds & Double Wishes
A technical definition of Double Binds is paradoxical
interpersonal communication. Double bind statements contain internal
contradictions. If the addressed person cannot withdraw from the situation,
that person cannot decide which message is real and (especially if young) may develop
pathologies.
Double binds may be explicit (e.g. a teacher communicates
to a student "I will punish you to improve your education!")
or implicit (e.g. a manager says to an employee "I know that even you
can complete this task!" while curling his upper lip). If the
addressed person cannot recognize and dissolve double binds, relationship
chaos often results.
Some stated goals have a similar structure to double-binds:
for example the stated goal may have two or more objects and one verb, (e.g.
"I want to be married and happy and ..."). If these wishes
are believed to be incompatible, any attempts or planning to fulfilling a
double-wish will likely fail.
By Double Wishes I refer to poorly defined
goals that contain internal contradictions. If a person cannot decide which
goal is wanted, the person may object to their own goals - or withdraws from
coaching relationships. They may be disappointed that they cannot fulfill
their own goals, and delay or miss opportunities for success.
I evaluate double goals by first noticing whether verbal and
non-verbal incongruence indicates simultaneous conflict or sequential
conflict,
and whether a person displays signs of conflict when changing goal polarity.
Although a client may state a goal - the underlying goal is often at a values or identity level, to discover "What is important
to me?" or "What sort of person am I?"
Many people avoid the unpleasant feelings of inner conflict by focusing on
abstract goals (e.g. "I want to be happy") ... I often say that an
abstract goal is, 'the skin of a goal stuffed with conflict".
A client may find two
or more conflicting possibilities. A well-formed outcome becomes possible
if the definition of the goal can fully incorporate the values of all
sides or parts of the conflict, or following an internal change of reference
that rejects unwanted influences. (In our systemic diagnosis, we often refer
to identity level influences as relationship bonds.)
People trained in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) may be tempted to
use a visual squash. This seems to
be an unhealthy choice for coaching people to resolve conflict. This
technique uses hypnotic language to double bind the issues
in conflict. The consequences of a visual squash
often includes the re-emergence of the conflict (usually within three
months) or the re-manifestation of the unsolved conflict as
chronic unpleasant emotions and/or psychosomatic symptoms.
Sequential Conflicts
Sequential conflicts can be fascinating ... and irritating. Someone can
never make up their mind, and if they do make a decision, they may either
participate half-heartedly - or for a limited time.
I check the time between polarity changes of a sequential conflict ... is it
short-cycle or long-cycle? For me, short cycle is less than a few days, while
long-cycle is over a week. This is useful information for anticipating a
person's change of heart. I can plan for it ... and plan my response.
(I find that this greatly decreases my irritation about people who break
promises etc).
We often resolve sequential conflicts ... see
Transcript - Resolve Complex Conflict.
NLP & Conflict Resolution
I (Martyn) attended a number of NLP trainer trainings: with
Marilyn Atkinson's Erickson Institute, with Tad James'
Advanced Neurodynamics, with Wyatt Woodsmall's Advanced
Behavioral Modeling and with Steve and Connirae Andreas'
NLP Comprehensive. The most common technique taught for
dissolving conflicts was a hypnotic integration of two visualized
parts ... often called Visual Squash.
The NLP technique called visual squash is often used to coach
people to resolve internal behavioral conflicts. A person is encouraged
to evaluate two parts (also called ego-states, complexes,
partial personalities or entities) which communicate
simultaneously or sequentially about a proposed goal.
If more than two parts involved in a conflict, we call it a complex
conflict. We have noticed that the NLP visual squash used with
a complex conflict may lead to withdrawal, unpleasant emotions and psychosomatic
symptoms. A sequential conflict swings between goals, and may indicate a
conflict of values or identity, which seem to have three, five or seven
parts with two or three levels of abstraction. We find that about 20% of
both Americans and Europeans (assessed on our private coaching and public trainings)
present this complex pattern of sequential incongruence.
If a person identifying with one polarity is amnesic of
decisions or actions made when identifying with the other polarity - this may
indicate multiple personality syndrome and we do not attempt to coach
such people - we refer them to clinicians. More commonly, a person identifying with
one polarity may remember but deny decisions or break promises that were
made while that person identified with the other polarity.
A client's presenting issue may be an inability to make decisions,
in which multiple goals are incompatible with each other. (An advantage
of complex conflict is that the client can multi-track
or manage many projects simultaneously. A disadvantage is that such
clients may create conflicts that reflect the client's chaotic internal
mindscape. Extreme examples might include clients with gorge - starve
(binging) cycles.
(See: Eating Disorders)
While coaching people after a NLP visual squash, we observed that
many people re-create their conflict within a few weeks, when the squashed
conflicting motivations may erupt as conflicting obsessions.
Also, some people consequently seem to suffer physical symptoms or emotional
problems that sabotage them from attaining their incongruent goals.
We sought and found better ways. See NLP Ecology Redefined
and NLP Strategy Techniques
When you choose a goal or solution, you choose the
consequences of that goal or solution.
Online Coaching to Dissolve Conflicts
Although I qualified as a NLP trainer many times, I stepped back
from NLP when I realized that I could not fulfill the claims made by NLP trainers
using the material taught during NLP training. I have since researched and developed
much that I lacked then, particularly concerning goalwork, relationship ecology,
systemic diagnosis and relationship coaching, and I abandoned NLP techniques that
may damage people and/or damage their relationships. Martyn Carruthers
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright � Martyn Carruthers
2002-2012 All rights reserved. |
