We offer coaching and training on systemic family therapy, codependence,
family secrets and relationship entanglements.

Codependent behavior is a common consequence of immature parenting. Codependency is not depression nor anxiety. It’s not a hope that a partner become mature and responsible. Codependence is about self-destruction. It is about thoughts, feelings and behaviors that cause suffering.

Do you repeat behaviors that you know will bring unpleasant, painful or unwanted consequences? Do you do things that you don't enjoy for other people? Do you manipulate people to do things for you?

I'll show you ... I'll hurt me!

Is Codependence about You?

Do you constantly feel unfulfilled? Do you avoid being direct? Do you avoid asserting yourself when you are in need? Do you try to do everything perfectly? Do you manipulate people who manipulate you?

Codependence is about addictive relationships. In psychology literature, the most commonly described codependent relationships are between addicts and rescuers ... yet the most common forms that we see are mother-son, father-daughter and therapist-client. The consequences of covert emotional incest include adults who cannot enjoy mature partnership. (Beware of codependent therapists and helping professionals who specialize in their own issues).

Are you entangled in a destructive relationship? Do you sabotage healthy relationships? Do you try to hide yourself? Codependent behavior may be linked to bipolar disorder, depression and stress. We also associate codependence with anxiety and hypochondria.

Codependence is normal in some countries. If you are healthy and independent, you may be called selfish, arrogant and uncaring ... by people who prefer parasitic, symbiotic or codependent relationships. Evaluate the messages in television romances and the lyrics of popular love songs.

Codependent Relationships

Mature people in healthy relationships deal with conflicts openly and quickly. Immature people in unhealthy relationships often hide conflicts until they emotionally explode ... often over tiny details. We coach individuals, couples, families and teams to solve problems and build healthy relationships.

Some people seem disconnected from others. They have few or no friends, and often suffer unpleasant relationships with family members or work colleagues. For disconnected people, codependence may be a step towards health - a step away from isolation - and a step away from suicide.

Codependency is like an addiction ... in a codependent relationship, you cannot be yourself. You must hide your identity and what you want. To do this, you probably have deep beliefs about not being good enough or unworthy, and that you can only express love by denial, suffering and sacrifice.

If you are an adult, and a child in your family perceives you as a victim, that child may identify with you and suffer victim identification, often blaming or even hating the person whom that child perceives as your victimizer. Such children can suffer chronic anger and ongoing suspicion.

Codependence may also follow vanishing twin syndrome, in which a twin dies during early pregnancy. This death of a twin may have a huge (unconscious) impact on the life of the surviving womb-twin, who may continually seek a Soul Mate, and suffer a chain of codependent relationships.

Many cults, sects and extremist organizations are based on codependence and attract dependent people. Our exit coaching can help people leave cult-like organizations and live a life based on independence and emotional freedom. We coach people to set their spirits free.

Professional Codependence

In relationships, codependent people forget who they are, and may focus only on what other people want. Codependence is a terrible quality for a helping professional such as a coach, counselor or therapist. Yet codependent people seem to recognize and attract each other.

Codependent helping professionals are unlikely to support healthy independence, and may try to sabotage healthier relationships! Codependent counselors or therapists may delay recovery to prolong their obsessions to be helpers ... and clients may be expected to finance these obsessions.

Are you a helping professional? Are you fixated on a patient or client? Do you behave in codependent ways towards your patients and clients? Do you delay your clients' recovery by your dependence on their sickness? Or can you do your work without sympathy or enmeshment?

Can you untangle codependent relationships? Choose a coach or therapist who is grounded in his or her own healthy reality; someone who has little sympathy and lots of mature compassion. "Healthy relationships are the best healing agents".

Self Evaluation

Even though you may long for peace and happiness - do you always seem to sabotage yourself?

• Do you forget what you want?
• Do you want people to look after you?
• Do you have difficulty saying what you want?
• Do you judge your own goals as unimportant?
• Do you avoid stating your goals, needs or wishes?
• Do you value other people's wishes over your own?

We can help you explore what you want, and how you want to achieve it. Defining and achieving goals reflects your sense of life. We can coach you to mature - to live with integrity - the core of who you are.

Denial & Procrastination

Are you a Cleopatra? Cleopatra was a queen of de Nile.

• Do you hide your feelings?
• Do you avoid expressing your feelings?
• Do you minimize, distort or deny how you feel?

We can help you become the person you are - and to appreciate yourself. If you consider the consequences of not changing ... you may better enjoy transformation.

Compliance

Some trainers of hypnosis and NLP define hypnosis as "uncritical acceptance of suggestion". What percentage of your life are you fully awake? Have you guarded the the doors of your perception? Or are you following post-hypnotic suggestions?

• Can you state your own opinions?
• Are you loyal to people who hurt or harm you?
• Are you dedicated to other people's happiness?
• Do you participate in sex when you don't want to?

Psychosomatic disease is common amongst people who do not communicate their personal truth. Instead, their bodies communicate for them - sometimes in unpleasant ways. What does your body communicate (through symptoms) that you try to avoid learning?

It seems to be right and natural that adults protect their children, and control their children's behavior until the children are independent adults. It seems appropriate that employers control their employees behavior at work. But for codependents, there may be no borders, no context ... and no exit.

• Do you offer endless good advice?
• Do you act as if most people need your care?
• Do you offer or withhold food or sex to get what you want?
• Do you tell people what they should think and how they should feel?

Recovery

Useful codependence recovery strategies often include compensating for immature parenting by dissolving identity loss, fixations and limiting beliefs. If a person focuses on meeting his or her partner’s emotional needs ... this will automatically meet the person's own needs as the relationship improves.

If a codependent partner is unwilling to grow up or incapable of lasting mature happiness, the healthier partner will probably feel more and more motivated to leave that relationship.

Life mastery requires that you develop and integrate many skills
and that you learn when to use those skills.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2012 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks and improve relationships to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work.