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Most people say that they want to be happy, so why is there so much suffering?
Many answers lie in
how people perceive themselves in their relationships. It's a sad fact that
many people feel stuck in unpleasant relationships - often bonded by immature
identifications and obsessive fixations.
Fixations are emotional attachments that are
usually formed in childhood disappointments.
Fixations manifest as immature or neurotic behavior that can persist
throughout life.
Fixations complicate life ... we help people find emotional freedom.
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A man who as a physical being is always turned
toward the outside,
thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and
discovers that the source (of happiness) is within him. Søren Kierkegaard
A basic concept of Kierkegaard's philosophy is that people
lose identity when participating in unhealthy
relationships. We help people regain their identity and develop their
emotional maturity as they build healthier relationships.
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Fixations often begin in childhood, when children perceive family members as
sources of good feelings. As those children grow up, they may look for and fixate on
other people as substitutes for those sources of good feelings, rather than
developing their own inner resources and self-esteem.
Are you fixated on a parent ... do you seek people who
remind you of a parent?
Common fixations are between children
and parents, with past-partners and
with
brothers and sisters. The most common
fixations (of course) seems to be with mothers. People who resolve their mother
fixation often find that many unhealthy habits seem to evaporate. The next most
common fixation is with fathers, and then probably past-partners (including with
people you wanted to be a partner).
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People who fixate on other people may be
unable to
maintain
healthy relationships ... or to create healthy families!
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A common symptom of fixations is perceiving the fixated person as special
... believing, usually without evidence, that someone is extraordinary or
exceptional. This may replace any need to develop and access one's own resources, self-respect
or maturity. Some common consequences of this identity loss are
emotional immaturity
and
addictive relationships.
How can you tell if you are fixated?
If you need to perceive someone as special, you may search for that
special person. But when you find a candidate, appreciating that person may not be enough
... you may want to offer your devotion ... you may feel addicted! But if that other person changes from your
ideal, or if you change your ideals ... such changes between fixated people can trigger an
emotional or existential crisis.
Fixated people often believe that they love the
object of their fixation
although they may only 'love' their own good feelings!
The other person is often just a trigger!
If your sense of that person being special is threatened, you may
feel hurt or damaged. If your role model ceases to meet your standards, you may try to punish that person for not
being
special enough. You feel
your inner emptiness and seek someone else to obsess about. And you may continue this pattern
throughout your life ... or
until you develop your emotional maturity.
If you cannot ask for help or advice when
lost in a city,
you are unlikely to ask for guidance when lost in life.
Therapists & Counselors
More helping professionals ask us for help
resolving parental fixations than anybody else, and we notice that many
helping professionals seem to specialize in their own fixations. But when they
resolve their own fixations, they may lose their motivation to help other
people solve those same issues. We have coached many counselors and
therapists to change their specialties or even their occupations.
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I was well known for helping depressed
middle-aged women cope with their sad lives. But since our sessions, I can't
hardly tolerate such women ... they're too much like my mother ... I enjoy
being with dynamic people! I now coach business teams! London, UK |
Many helping professionals come from
unhealthy families.
Do they offer you maturity - or symbiosis - or codependence?
Fixations & Identity Loss
A mother fixation is arrested psychosexual development
characterized by
an abnormally close and often paralyzing emotional attachment to one's mother.
The consequences of fixations include obsessions, compulsions,
addictions and other immature and dysfunctional behaviors. The root causes often include:
- Relationship Bonds: You are
bonded to someone - you are dependent
- Inner Child: Some part of you was split-off - you
are sometimes childish
- Lost Identity: You cannot express a sense of self - your
life lacks meaning
- Identity Conflict: Your behavior swings between two poles - you
live in conflict
- Identification: You express someone else's emotions:
anger, anxiety or
sadness
Fixations can cross generations ... and there is usually no-one
to blame. Fixations often represent chains of suffering going back into family
history. Some people call them family curses.
Many children carry the emotional baggage
that their grandparents could not understand and their parents did not resolve. And when they grow up,
they pass their baggage and consequences on to their own children.
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Fixated people often seem to use an unvoiced
mantra or affirmation ...
I think ... therefore I am special!
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Do you want Emotional Freedom?
Do you carry your family's burdens? Do
you cling to fantasies and avoid responsibility (you act like a child)?
Do you try to be super-responsible (you act like a parent)? Are you still enmeshed in your family's emotions and drama?
The biggest problem is ... fixations can feel wonderful!
Yet the consequences of fixations can damage lives.
Do you strive to fulfill your parent's unfulfilled
desires? If so - you may suffer
passive aggression,
sexual problems,
anxiety
and/or depression. We can help you untangle
your emotions, clarify your goals and improve your relationships!
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My husband is a mature man half the time -
but he acts like an aggressive teenager after visiting his dominating mother. When he's
mature - life is good, but I cannot live with his mother-fixated dark side
- an irresponsible, arrogant boy! Washington USA |
If you try to heal your parents' fixations, you will
probably fail. If you try to complete the unfinished business of your
grandparents or other relatives - you will probably fail. And following
repeated failures, you may heavily criticize yourself and retreat into
depression,
obsessions or addictions.
We find that first children often carry the heaviest emotional baggage, and
that first
pregnancies have a higher risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, crib death ... and
abortion. First children seem to have a higher risk of fatal diseases, and more
often suffer from chronic mental, physical and sexual problems. And first
children more often seem to suffer from their parent's fixations.
Parents who Sabotage Children
With the exception of abortion, few human parents deliberately
kill their own children. Most mature parents strive to give their children what they
lacked when they were young. Most mature parents wish to protect and support their
children to become independent adults.
Maturity has predictable limitations. Immaturity has
none.
Yet some parents act in abusive and manipulative ways - even with adult
children. They may demand that their children remain obedient, or look after
them as they age. Most abusive parents claim good intentions - they often say
that they did the best that they could.
I read your emotional fixation article
and feel some relief because I now see that my husband is obsessed with
his mother ... and they both blame me for every problem.
I'm not so crazy and unlovable as they keep telling me. Singapore
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Good intentions can have unpleasant consequences. If a
lonely parent fixates on a child,
emotional chaos will follow, often across generations. Later, as
adults, fixated adult children may watch their children and
grandchildren act out and try to cope with their unresolved fixations.
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My wife is a compulsive liar ... she only
told me what she thought I wanted to hear.
She was raised by a mother for whom deception was normal communication. |
Father-bonded women or mother-bonded men may relate
well to other immature or lonely people but not to healthy, mature adults.
They may find themselves sexually excited by immature or
irresponsible people whom they neither like nor trust. Or they often seem to seek
partners who will fixate on them.
Is Someone Fixated on You?
People who fixate on you may behave as if you are their rescuer
or even their savior! They may feel bonded to you, and unable to
leave you alone. At first you may feel flattered
... but it can quickly become a huge burden. Fixations motivate lies and stalking. Addicts cling to of their sources of pleasure
... which describes many immature and addictive relationships.
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I enjoy men's fixations at first and I try to live up to their exciting
ideals. But after I tire of it, those men are still fixated. I hate that
because they do not love me, they only love their fixations. Boston, USA |
Fixations are unconscious ties and emotional lies.
Fixations motivate inappropriate behavior - including poor career
choices, addictive relationships and massive unhappiness. Expect to hear ...
I love you (only) because you remind me of ...
For more on enmeshment, see
mother-son bonds
and father-daughter fixations.
When a fixation ends - as it must being a lie - fixated people
often withdraw into depression or crisis.
Bonded and enmeshed, they may feel overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions (e.g. loneliness, abandonment and rejection) and they may desperately
seek distractions! Typically, they will suffer a lot before they consider seeking help.
Have you suffered enough?
Do you want to free yourself from fixations?
Online Coaching for Fixations & Identity Loss
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
1996-2012 All rights reserved.
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