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Did you think that you left your parents'
influence behind you when you grew up? Think again. Most people seem to choose
partners that are much like Mom or Dad. When you realize how much your
parents still influence your life, we can help you change relationship habits
you dislike.
We coach people who live, work
or play together
... who want more harmony and better results.
We help people solve
relationship problems about values, conflicts and
entanglements.
We can encourage you to make decisions - but
we will not try to make decisions for you.
We can encourage you to see other points of view - but we will not take sides.
We can support your choices but we will not pressure anybody to change.
Systemic Couple Coaching & Conflicts
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Is your marriage or partnership in trouble?
Or is it great and you
want to make it even better? Or do you wonder if you should split? Or are
you looking for a partner? Consider the
benefits of our coaching and counseling.
Four in one (artist
unknown)
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Some people get what they deserve ... and some people seem to
be
luckier than that ... but luck has little to do with happy partnership. Happiness
usually includes shared values, shared communication and
conflict resolution. Common couple conflicts include: 1) Different understanding, 2)
Different Goals, 3) Different Needs and 4) Different Values.
1) Different understanding. When partners do not understand each
other's communications and reactions - then tiny details become important and a couple may fight over anything.
If we coach a couple to understand,
appreciate and encourage each
other's goals, needs and values, then our couple coaching can help the partners resolve those goals,
needs or values conflicts.
2) Goals Conflicts come in a few flavors -
conflicts about which goal to strive for, how much of a goal to attain, when to
attain it ... and conflicts about how those goals should be reached.
3) Needs Conflicts. Both partners may feel that the other partner
has a problem, but solving the partner's problem could
expose their own difficulties. Both partners may avoid exploring their values and
sense of life, instead arguing about how and where they can do what).
4) Values Conflicts. If one or both partners believe
that a conflict involves core values, especially values concerning ancestral
beliefs and family traditions, the partners may avoid discussing or trying to
solve the
conflict because core values are not negotiable. But history need not
be destiny, and we can help.
- Identify problems in terms of partnership needs, rather than
easiest solutions
- Brainstorm potential solutions which could meet both
partners' needs
- Evaluate if the potential solutions meet both partner's needs
- Choose one or more potential solutions to test
- Evaluate the consequences of potential solutions, and of lack of action
- Take real-world action - mindful of the potential
consequences
- Evaluate the consequences and select next problem for
resolution
According to Gottman & Silver (1999), about 70% of relationship
conflicts are values conflicts. Gottman called these conflicts unsolvable problems,
because the
partners' goals and ideals are in conflict. These conflicts cannot be resolved
by ordinary problem-solving, although healthy couples can learn to
accept, respect and honor each other's differing values. The trigger of the
conflicts is irrelevant.
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Your couple coaching
helped us a lot. Some of our conflicts seemed trivial, yet caused deep
hurt. For example, my husband wanted me to walk at his side, to
show our equality, and I would walk in front of him to show my independence ... and then we
would fight ... you showed us how to respect our own and each
other's values.
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Couples in conflicts about core values may
consider separation. We have helped many people resolve values conflicts. We find that lasting conflict resolution requires:
- Confirming that both partners want to explore their values
- Gaining relevant information with systemic diagnosis
- Sharing expertise, opinions, beliefs and values
- Allowing partners time to reflect and choose
People rarely change values while relating to a partner
with an opposing value. They may change later, when a partner is relaxed and has
time to ponder and choose consequences. Attempting to resolve values
conflicts as if they were needs conflicts or goal conflicts can lead to mentor damage,
and unpleasant beliefs such as, "We cannot resolve our conflicts".
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My husband should be a mature man, a tender lover, a good
father and my life companion. |
My wife should love me, respect all my decisions and look
after my mother. |
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Heard during couple coaching ... many times in many countries! |
We coach partners to resolve individual issues and partnership
conflicts. Our couple coaching can includes individual coaching
(to resolve individual issues, inner conflicts, trauma etc).
Our couple coaching includes pre-marital counseling and help
for people considering long-term partnership or mutual effort together. We help people
prevent and solve
partnership problems. We can help you evaluate and change your
goals, roles, habits, rules and beliefs. We can help you sort out
relationships with your parents, in-laws, past-partners and other people
who affect your partnership.
We coach partners to evaluate their relationship,
and explore their conflicts ... and resolve them. We help couples define their partnership goals and partnership responsibilities.
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Soulwork Couple Coaching: Our Story
Dear Reader ...
Martyn Carruthers asked me to share our experience with you.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years with two adorable
daughters; I am a human resources director and he is a therapist. We
think of our relationship as fulfilling in every aspect and we are
happy to have each others commitment, trust and love. We could
communicate constructively and sort out most of our stuff.
However, there were "small" and "big" issues that we
could not sort out ourselves. We were too involved with our own processes
to concentrate on our partnership and long term consequences.
Some two years ago we decided we wanted professional support to enable
us to live towards our common goals, as well as our
personal and professional goals.
Both of us are psychologists
and we know many therapists who offer marriage counseling, but we did not feel
comfortable with their standard approach which tries to fix people. For
two years we searched for someone with a deep understanding of relationships
as well as a straight-to-the-point-and-no-bullshit-approach.
A few months ago we met Martyn Carruthers and
we both sensed he could be the guy we could work
with ... this was our introduction to Soulwork couple coaching.
Some "big issues" turned
out to be symptoms of "small issues" and we resolved issues that we
suffered for years in a couple of sessions, while gaining deep insights. We not only
resolved issues, we explored what was happening "backstage" so we gained
valuable perspectives and experience.
Martyn's couple
coaching showed us how to be more sensitive to each other's
perception and interpretation, and to the consequences of our deeds and
ambitions. It also gave us clarity in our other relationships with our other
family members.
Our couple-coaching sessions were dynamic,
goal-orientated and inspiring. Sometimes, there were tears, sometimes
deep dialogues and, what surprised us most, many times we had good
and healthy laughter, even over serious issues. We value this
as clients and as professionals.
We believe that no matter how good a
relationship is, it can be better, and both of us want to
continue to grow not just as two individuals, but as a couple and as a
family. This is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and
to our daughters. We are now both attending Martyn's coach training.
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Our Couple Coaching
Usually, the most motivated partner will ask us for coaching.
This may be the partner who suffers most, or the partner who
most wants to end a problem, or the one who most wants happiness or clarity. Our
couple coaching often begins by listening carefully and exploring your answers
to:
- What do you argue, quarrel or fight about?
- What do you each want the other to change?
- How do you want to make decisions together?
- What do you each want to change in yourselves?
- What gets in the way of your happiness together?
For committed partners, these questions may bring profound discussion and
unexpected answers. For people in affairs or shallow relationships, these questions
may seem irrelevant - who cares? For partners in crisis, any questions may
trigger arguments.
We
offer Premarital
Coaching, Post-Abortion Coaching, Reconciliation and
Divorce Coaching; with our unique
coaching tools for resolving
guilt, transferences,
toxic beliefs, fixations, trauma and
mentor damage. We help couples understand each
other.
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Testimonial:
My wife and
I attended marriage counseling - but we wanted much more than the counselor could provide.
Your couple coaching
helped us sort out many unpleasant issues. We ended
our bad feelings about our abortion, my wife's abuse by her uncle
when she was ten and my sexual experiments when I was a teenager.
It was definitely soul-work. We
cleared up my issues about my first wife's death, and my new wife's fascination
with a man she works with. I realized that I was too close to my new wife's
daughter - my wife didn't like it but didn't know how to deal
with it.
Now I'm just our daughter's step-Dad and not a special friend.
We both feel we can handle pretty much anything
life throws at us. London, England |
Regret for time
wasted can motivate you to make the most
of whatever time remains.
We help couples resolve conflicts and past-partners etc,
while building understanding and respect.
Online Coaching for Better Relationships!
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 1999-2012 |
