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Summary

Systems 9: Systemic Solutions for Healthy Families
© Martyn Carruthers

Online Family Coaching & Mentorship

Do you want coaching, or training on systemic coaching,
systemic family therapy, dissolving toxic family traditions and healthy relationships?

Where are you now?

As a systemic coach, you will often be asked to mediate family conflicts and quarrels. To do this, you will need solid systemic diagnosis skills - and individual, couple and family coaching skills.

Individual coaching is good preparation for the more complex couple coaching - and coaching couples is good preparation for the more demanding family coaching.

Ideally you will have endless experience and calm authority, but if you don't we can coach you.. Your first goal is to stay resourceful as you assess family chaos. This is much easier if you have an effective plan or a proven flowchart.

Systemic Family Therapy - Flowchart . More on Family Coaching

Systemic Coaching & Families

What is a family system? A useful definition is an entity of semi-independent people who maintain equilibrium by predictable actions. A sick child, for example, may motivate family members to solve problems; the family may avoid conflict until the child's health improves. Of all the hurts family members inflict, few are so hard to remedy as those caused by equal justice we often all this family karma.

We help people solve whatever stops them solving their own problems. Our couple coaching helps partners resolve partnership issues - and family coaching implies partners with children. If the children are deeply troubled, individual coaching for them or for their parents may not resolve whole-family dynamics. The momentum of individual habits and family traditions may be strong.

Systemic Diagnosis . Emotional Incest . Family Coaching

Where do you start?

We usually meet each parent or guardian first - alone - for individual systemic coaching. Sometimes this is enough for the whole family to change. For example if a family victim ceases being a victim - everybody else changes their roles quite fast. We may invite the partners for couple coaching. Often, systemic couple coaching is enough for partners to help children build a healthy family.

Mother - Son Bonds . Father - Daughter Bonds . Sexual Affairs

Shhh! Don't tell. It's our secret.

Family secrets threaten families. I don't mean a Xmas gift - I mean special indulgences that another family member may resent. The threat is that revealing such a secret might anger or alienate a family member. Telling Dad will get you in trouble with Mom, perhaps, or trigger a fight. Some toxic secrets include promises of revenge, e.g. "If you tell, THIS will happen".

Hidden debts, abuse, lost lovers, mental illness and addictions may be burned into emotional reality. Family histories may be edited and changed, with evasion and dishonesty being normal. Children of such families often learn that certain problems are not to be named or discussed. They may hide feelings of disgrace and shame.

Sometimes, "Don't tell your Mom" attempts to hide emotional incest. Sometimes, "Don't tell your Dad" tries to conceal parental alienation. While the initial exposure of family secrets can trigger a lot of emotional discussion, it is usually healthier for a family to expose their secrets to the sunlight and get some fresh air amongst them.

Some children are raised by men who do not know that they are not the children’s genetic fathers. The mothers often carry the burden of such secrets alone, fearing the consequences of exposure. This, like other family secrets, can create unhealthy bonds and endless suffering. (In this case, mothers may overly bond to their special children who often resemble a past love.)

While shared secrets can cement special friends ... for every pair of special friends, there is probably someone who feels left out, rejected and alone. Shared secrets are a part of many relationships, but they can cause lasting suffering.

Family Coaching & Counseling

Family Coaching Flowchart . Parent Coaching . Parental Alienation

Goals & Goalwork . Double Wishes

Questions for Family Discussions

Provocation & Provocative Coaching

Embedded Individual Coaching

During family coaching, some issues will be individual issues and others will be relationship issues. Both types of issues can resolved with the family watching, or privately, depending on the wishes of the family. Resolving the consequences of an ancestral suicide or an abortion, for example, may be whole-family issues, while coaching a couple to improve their relationship is more often private.

We also offer our couple coaching for resolving not only partnership but many other relationship issues ... for example sibling-sibling or parent-child problems and to increase harmony between friends.

Perhaps build a family website as an effective way to keep in touch and to stay involved in each other's lives.

Individual Coaching Flowchart

Family Coaching Homework

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2012 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks, improve relationships and achieve goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... ask for permission to post, publish or teach this work.