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When people say that they are
"in a relationship",
they are often referring to uncommitted partnership.
Healthy Relationships
I have participated in many
relationships ... some healthy, some neutral and some unhealthy.
Looking back, it seems obvious now that healthy relationships
are built on mutual
respect and shared goals, while unhealthy relationships are built
on needs.
Many relationships have elements of both.
Most healthy relationships seem to be those in which
people value and respect the rights and responsibilities of each
person. Most healthy relationships seem to be based on appropriate
respect, sharing and trust. People in healthy
relationships more often accept and respect each other's power, control
and decisions, in ways appropriate to the situation.
But in human relationships, as I see them now, a child
cannot be equal to a parent, nor an employee to an employer, nor a
student to a teacher. Many relationships are based on unequal power,
unshared knowledge and unbalanced respect. If someone has something you
want (including power and knowledge) ... your relationship with that
person will be influenced by your desire for that asset.
How Healthy are your Relationships?
We coach people to enjoy better relationships.
Sometimes it may seem that unhealthy relationships are normal and
healthy relationships are abnormal ... or even rare. Much depends
on how you perceive and define healthy relationships.
Love and its synonyms (respect, honor, worship,
infatuation, ...) are terribly abused words that can be used to justify almost
any actions. (Extremes include, "I killed him because I loved him"
or "We committed genocide because we love our country".) A useful
assessment of healthy relationships would focus more on actions and consequences
than on emotions and feelings.
Assess the health of your relationships:
- Acceptance - do you listen to each other's opinions
and beliefs, and attempt to understand each other's perceptions,
emotions, logic, reactions and decisions? Or do you demand that the other
person accept your logic and definitions?
- Accountability - do you discuss and acknowledge
decisions and each accept appropriate responsibility for fulfilling your
appropriate commitments? Or do you avoid responsibilities?
- Fairness - are you willing to seek mutual win-win solutions to conflicts? Or do you demand that you get your
own way?
- Gratitude - are you thankful for the blessings
and life-lessons - which are often learned in pain? Or do you react like an angry
victim?
- Honesty - do you communicate openly and truthfully,
admitting mistakes? Or do you distort situations and communications for your
own advantage?
- Peaceful - do you talk and act in ways that you can
both (all) feel safe
when discussing values, beliefs and responsibilities? Or do you demand that
people accept your views or decisions?
- Responsibility - do you make mutual decisions on
distribution of work and completion of tasks? Or do you decide who should do
what, where, how and by when?
- Support - do you know and support each other's
goals, and respect each person's feelings, opinions, friends, activities and
interests? Or is one or both of you a supplier of something that the
other wants
or needs?
I'm not sure that I've ever
met anybody who fulfills all of these things all of the time. Every
sentence, every word even, can be disputed and classical ideas of cause and
effect do not seem to apply. When coaching relationships, I explore bonds, loops and games ...
because causes and effects often seem entangled in time and space. In
relationships, effects can precede causes.
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They are playing a game. They are playing at
not playing a game. If I show them I see they are, I shall break the rules and
they will punish me. I must play their game, of not seeing I see the game.
From Knots by R.D. Laing (Psychiatrist) |
Excuses can be soft and explanations can
be flexible - but consequences tend to be hard.
Symbiosis and Codependence
Popular Western culture seems to define romantic love,
in music, television and movies, as relationships in which the partners are
inseparable, are lost without each other, and in which each person can only
derive a sense of life in the presence of the other. When I was younger,
I would have called such relationships wonderful. I would now call
such relationships symbiotic or codependent.
Symbiotic human relationships rarely allow for
flexibility or equality and limit people's freedom. Symbiotic relationships
can be stable and feel very close, and the roles are predictable and safe.
For some people, especially for young adults, symbiosis may seem to be an
ideal relationship! Two common examples can be called rescuer-victim
and caretaker-dependent.
Codependent human relationships occur when neither
person
feels capable or self-reliant. It sometimes seems as if two half-persons are
trying to make a one complete person! A classic example is that one partner
devotes huge time and energy assisting the other partner cope with an addiction
- while being terrified that the end of that addiction will trigger the
end of their relationship.
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When we first moved to Western Canada,
we needed each other just to survive ... but our neediness lead to
"I must keep you needy because if you don't need me, you might leave
me". ... Our love had somehow gotten reduced to preventing each
other from finding independent happiness. BC, Canada |
Many people in symbiotic and co-dependent relationships say
that they feel trapped by needy people, although I might suggest that
they feel trapped by their own neediness. Symbiotic and codependent
relationships end when one or both partners accept responsibility for their own
emotional and physical wellbeing. Such people are then free to create healthier
relationships ... perhaps with each other.
I help people move from symbiosis (I can't live
without you) to independence (I can cope by myself) to mature
interdependence (Together we can achieve goals that we cannot achieve
alone).
Relationship Types
You, and everybody else, was born utterly dependent and
totally needy. Your survival required the support of parents and caretakers.
A normal progression starts with dependence, to increasing competence,
to independence, and, then to interdependence. Relationship
disappointments and abuse can sabotage this progression, often causing
identity loss and delayed maturity.
There are a number of basic relationship types, each having
different conditions for health that are subject to laws, cultural traditions
and family habits. See Relationship Yoga for
more.
Coaching Teenagers .
Coaching Young Adults
. Coaching Older Clients
Love or Addiction?
Addictions show need - not love. Here are some differences
between healthy love and addictive love that help us recognize healthy and
unhealthy parts of relationships (we summarized it from Looking for Love in
All the Wrong Places by Jed Diamond):
- Healthy love is fluid and dynamic.
Addictive love fears change.
- Healthy love is gentle and comfortable.
Addictive love is combative.
- Healthy love encourages honesty.
Addictive love encourages secrets.
- Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers.
Addictive love is stereotyped.
- Healthy love creates life and joy.
Addictive love creates melodrama and suffering.
- Healthy love is accepting the partner you have.
Addictive love looks for more or better.
- Healthy love is based on your desire to be with
a person. Addictive love is based on need.
- Healthy love is making yourself happy.
Addictive love seeks someone to make you happy.
- Healthy love develops after you feel safe.
Addictive love tries to create bonds to avoid fear.
We also coach couples who want to end unpleasant
relationships ... we help those people dissolve old beliefs, build their confidence,
learn better communication skills and how to set boundaries. And
some of those couples then choose to stay together ...
Where are your Boundaries?
Boundaries are about proximity, touch,
acceptable words, honesty and intimacy. If you cannot set appropriate
boundaries, you and others may suffer. Where do you need to improve
your boundaries?
Relationship skills are the
path of love; and mature love requires mature skills.
We coach people to find bridges across forever ... bridges to integrity.
Online Coaching for
Healthier Relationships
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright �
Martyn Carruthers, All rights reserved 2006-2010 |
