When Mothers Fixate on Sons
Mothers & Sons 2
... Peter Pan Grows Up
Mothers & Sons 3 ...
Sons and Lovers
Fathers & Daughters ... Daddy's
Girls
We work with people who want to
improve their relationships but can't
seem to do it.
We help them manage their stress and understand their situations.
Do you want healthier and happier relationships?
We help people manage unpleasant
emotions and improve relationships.
We also mentor helping professionals who work with fixated and bonded clients.
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I began this summary of mother-son
relationships while trying to understand
why many men have similar
destructive lifestyles. Some of my lessons were:
1) these destructive habits are mostly unconscious,
2) men
bonded to their mothers may not notice that they hurt others,
and 3) many men bonded to their mothers feel too special to change.
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If you feel strong emotions as you
read this article, maybe talk to healthy friends.
Your relationships with your parents may be the most influential relationships
of your life and can create life-long relationship habits. We help adults
dissolve childhood fixations and develop their
emotional maturity.
Some Men Obsess about their Mothers
The first people that we encounter in life are usually our mothers. Most children fixate on their mothers until adolescence and
some people remain fixated on their mothers throughout their lives. Although the consequences of
such obsessions are commonplace and can be severe, few people seem to recognize
these habits or their consequences, and even fewer seek solutions.
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Do you cause friends and family to suffer
because
you have emotional blocks and you won't get help? |
Here's a quick check for mother
fixations. (If you are a man - ask some
trusted female friends to honestly rate you). If you have five or more YES answers,
maybe investigate this issue. Does a man ...
- obsess about his mother?
- strongly react to criticism?
- expect women to serve him?
- demand devotion, not only love?
- not commit to happy partnership?
- damage other people's relationships?
- show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
- act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
- brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
- have obsessive interests and few social skills?
- expect other people to fulfill his responsibilities?
- try to rescue married women from their husbands?
- hunt women - quantity not happiness is important?
- rarely shows anger - yet attacks or sabotages people?
- act impotent, perhaps with penile erection dysfunction?
- act like a narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves?
- obsess about his daughter or about young, immature women?
- do many of these things repeatedly yet energetically denies them?
- avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or relationship therapy?
- believe that he knows more than professionals with years of experience?
These
signs of covert emotional incest can predict
intense suffering
for these men,
for the women in their lives and for
their children.
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THE ONLY WOMAN I TRULY LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER Car bumper sticker seen in Hawaii
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If you ask, "Who is to blame?",
please remember that many men
learned these habits to cope with childhood problems, and that their parents learned
similar habits
from their grandparents ... and so on. We
can help people change these trans-generational habits and inter-generational bonds.
Mother-Son Fixation / Obsession
If parents relate to children in ways that are more appropriate
for partners, the consequences can be severe. Many adult children of immature
parents carry burdens of emotional incest throughout their lives. And as adults,
they may enmesh their own children with
passive-aggressive or
codependent behavior. We help people
change these habits and develop their
emotional maturity.
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I lived with a mother's boy for 7 years. I left
him months ago but I still hurt and I still feel betrayed. I feel
like I had a long affair with a married man. I tried to get him to
ask you for coaching, but he said that he would fix his own problems,
if he had any. Florida, USA |
Many parents have good intentions and immature parenting
skills. Many parents complain that their partners act like children, or
like tyrants, or that their partners are physically or emotionally absent.
Entangled adults often blame their parents, criticize
their partners and complain about their children. They rarely recognize
that their partners and children are responding to their own
emotional immaturity.
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My husband was more a child than a man. He avoided
decisions and only wanted to play ... I liked his childishness until
we had a baby, but he resented our son ... after three bad years I
divorced him, but I felt like I abandoned a child. After a few sessions
with you my guilt disappeared and I have stopped trying to be his mother.
Hawaii, USA |
Are you Entangled with a Man who is
Entangled with his Mother?
Cross-generational bonds, obsessions and fixations,
such as between mothers and sons, or fathers and daughters seem more likely when parents
cannot enjoy being parents. Were your parents:
- unhappy - but stayed together anyway?
- missing, chronically ill, dysfunctional or dead?
- victimized or controlled by other family members?
- addicts, depressed or had strong mental health problems?
- irresponsible, immature or unable to provide mature guidance?
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Since my son moved in with his father, I
feel terribly lonely, depressed ... and betrayed.
I see him every few weeks and although he knows that I am sad without him, he
won't come home. My husband says that I need my son more than he needs me.
Scotland, UK |
I described solutions for some problems of toxic parenting in
Prevent Learning Disabilities and
Parental Alienation.
Emotional incest between fathers and daughters is also common - see
Daddy's Little Princess. For more on how to untangle complex family enmeshments
see Emotional Incest.
Little Prince "Triangles"
In a strange and faraway country, many boys believe that
their mothers are virgins,
and many mothers believe that their first son is God.
Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, mother likely
enjoyed her femininity and the attention of her family. But when a baby is
born, family attention often shifts from mother to baby. This mother felt ignored,
and suffered postpartum depression.
She regained her family's attention, approval and respect
by trying to become a Super-Mom to her son.
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My boyfriend was a 42 year old child. All I heard was
he didn't want to disappoint his mother.
He never did chores around the
house - he was just there. He phoned his mother all the time. He phoned her
when he left, when he arrived and in between. He wouldn't make commitments and he got
upset if I talked to him like to an adult. North Carolina, USA |
The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, especially if he depends
on his wife to provide meaning for his life. He may feel that a boy baby
is a rival. He may withdraw from his wife’s need for intimacy, support
or responsibility. He may become depressed
and/or have sexual or intimate
affairs.
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Your Little Prince describes my
ex-husband. You could add passive-aggressive
to the profile, also stubbornness and denial. I will avoid
mother's boys in the future. London, UK |
Insert page break here ...
A Super-Mom may see her son as special. She may encourage
her son to make special contributions to the world that she cannot or
will not make; or she may cling to him and threaten horrible things if he stops
being her private property. For such a Mom to feel special, her son must be
very special - or the son risks losing his Mother's love.
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Soon after I gave birth to my son, I realized that
my life purpose
is to prepare him for his great destiny.
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Mother may dedicate her life to her son. Such sacrifice is expected in many
cultures - the family may applaud her spirituality, and the son may call his
mother
a saint. The son may defend his mother and attack anybody who does not recognize
his mother's special holiness ... especially his father.
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My husband accepts his mother's beliefs, no
matter how illogical, as facts.
He rejects any evidence to the contrary with anger and aggression.
Singapore |
A son bonded to his mother may form a codependent couples. If one of them finds independent happiness ... or another partner
... the other will experience immediate crisis. Codependent mother-son couples often remain emotionally retarded
as their bodies grow older - especially if they live together.
Neither may make decisions independent of the other.
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My ex-boyfriend husbands his
mother. He never married and had few relationships. He still
lives with his mom and has not worked for 15 yrs. He is
passive aggressive and a recluse.
He would not contact you. I left him for my sanity. You helped me get over him.
USA |
Freud, Oedipus and the Little Prince
If a lonely mother sees her son as special, she may reward her son with special treatment, and
her son rewards her by
acting special. Instead of enjoying childhood, a boy may develop adult
obsessions and sexual fantasies; perhaps fuelling his father’s fear
that, "My son is my rival". If a son becomes his mother's
partner emotionally, he may be unable to commit himself to another woman in
partnership. Without help, he may remain a Mother's Boy until he - or his
mother - dies.
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Freud wrote that every boy has an Oedipus Complex - that every
boy represses his sexual desire for his mother and his jealousy toward his
father and experiences emotional conflicts. This may be Freud's autobiography,
or a facet of Central European culture at Freud's time. We only find these
conflicts in men from families where mothers
were confused between Sons and Lovers. |
Consequences of Mother - Son Triangulation
A boy who dreads his mothers'
rejection may try to be more special. If other people do not perceive his specialness, he may attack
(become a compulsive bully) or withdraw (become an obsessive
nerd). He may become a passive good boy to please his mother,
or he may rebel against his mother to please his father - perhaps becoming
aggressive or delinquent. If he swings between these extremes - he may be
labeled passive-aggressive - or
possibly diagnosed with
bipolar disorder.
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The feeling that they are more important to mother than
father makes them feel that they are wonderful, and since they are already grown
up and need not do anything to establish their greatness because - and as long
as - mother loves them ... Erich Fromm
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Many men complain to us that they were not properly mothered. They may
complain that they were not loved in the right way, or not long enough,
or that their mothers were absent or preoccupied. Such men often act like
teenagers with adult bodies.
If a mother-bonded man feels rejected by a woman - any woman - that man may
freak out and behave like an out-of-control child, perhaps reliving
some childhood trauma about abandonment or rejection.
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My wife's therapist suggested that
I read your article ... my mother always preferred my older brother ...
my wife is the wonderful mother I
never had ... so nothing is wrong ... we have a perfect marriage ...
she should not be depressed. Paris, France |
The consequences of
emotional incest include
addictions,
obsessions
and suicide.
The consequences also include intellectual men who cannot
maintain a happy partnership, and spiritual men who reject
partnership - often searching for (sacred) fatherhood - or oblivion.
The consequences include the burned-out shells of boys
who gave up - boys who lost themselves in mediocrity, cults or drugs.
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You offered to help me change what
you called emotional incest ... but I like my lifestyle and who I am.
Normal people are boring ... I am different ... I like being special!
Seattle, USA |
The more a mother needs a special child-man - the less space for
a real boy. During adolescence, as healthy young men prepare for partnership
and parenthood, a Little Prince may be unable to consider a committed adult
relationship. (Mother-fixated sons are often very intelligent, but their
emotional maturity may be delayed
- sometimes by decades).
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I tried to love him - I really did - but
he didn't know what to do with my love - and he didn't
want to learn. His heart
and mind were always with his mother. Vancouver, Canada |
We help people change their
emotional bonds and relationship habits.
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What Happens to a Super-Mother? |
- She may be called a saint by her son - venerated for
her sacrifice. (Even after her death her son may remain fixated on her,
never enjoying emotional freedom.)
- She may be called a demon by her son's wife -
distrusted for her behavior, depressions, mood swings and possibly suicide
threats.
- If her bonded son finds a partner, a Super-Mom may suffer a crisis of rejection
and may overtly or covertly try to sabotage his partnership.
- If her bonded son leaves home, a Super-Mom may adopt
a younger man (perhaps as a protégé or as a lover).
- (If a Super-Mom becomes healthy and corrects her behavior, her adult son may
experience a crisis - blaming her for rejecting and abandoning him.)
We help people dissolve toxic
entanglements and bonds,
gain independent happiness and enjoy an independent sense of life.
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We do not try to change immature adults
who do not want to grow up. We cannot persuade people
to
become responsible, although we may point out the consequences to
themselves and to their families.
When they have suffered enough ... we are here.
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Sincere thanks
... I found validation and understanding for my and my husband's roles
in our marital problems. My husband is aggressive when he cannot
avoid responsibility. I recently had health problems and asked my
husband for help. MAJOR fighting began. My husband cannot accept
any role for me that is NOT Mother - he martyrs himself as my
abused son ... You offer me hope that I can again live, and love
and laugh. THANK YOU. Georgia, USA |
Next ...
A Little Prince Grows Up
Online Coaching for Emotional Incest
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
1998-2012 All rights reserved. |
