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Do you sabotage your own
happiness and success? Do you fight yourself?
Are you repeating a parent's' habits or complying with a partner's demands?
Do you want to untangle your emotions, your relationships ... and your life?
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Related topics: Ending
Self-Criticism . Ending Depression
Do you Sabotage yourself?
When things go well in your life, do you throw away your
success? Do you sabotage your friendships, potential partners, a good income, business
ventures or social projects? Do you object to your own happiness? Do you suffer
from impulsiveness, laziness, procrastination or psychosomatic symptoms?
It's too difficult! You can't
... or you don't have enough money, or you
don't have the time and anyway you don't know how to do it perfectly. Or perhaps a sudden fatigue or
a need for distraction stops you. Do you do that? How many more of these
might apply to you?
- I feel guilty if I say "No".
- I expect myself to be perfect.
- I have a low opinion of myself.
- I try to be all things to all people.
- I start projects but I don't finish them.
- I usually feel like I'm not doing enough.
- I settle for less, although I know I deserve better.
- I don't find ways to express my talents or abilities.
- I'm making a lot less money than I should be making.
- I read lots of self-help articles but I don't improve my
life.
For many people, self-sabotage is normal! If you’re one of those
people, and you want to change, we have something wonderful for you! Dissolving
self-defeating thinking habits can bring you closer to your goals than any amount of
complaining about your life, blaming others or justifying your lack of success.
How do your habitual inner voices (self-talk or internal
dialog) affect your life? What actions do your thoughts motivate? We can help
you know and manage your triggers, and change their effects.
How do you Sabotage Yourself?
You sabotage yourself when you:
- obsess about past errors
- avoid planning your future
- avoid solving your problems
- suffer endless internal conflict
- avoid coaching and mentorship
- pursue goals you don't really want
- not practice activities you want to improve
- not stay current with important developments
- remain addicted to a thing, activity or a person
- consume things you know will make you fat, slow or sick
Why Would You Sabotage Yourself?
Do you think thoughts like: "I don't stick to my goals;
I don't finish my work on time; I am miserable because I deserve it"?
Although self-sabotage may seem to manifest as thoughts and actions, the
underlying unpleasant feelings and emotions are usually based on relationship issues.
Many people believe that self-sabotage is associated with low
self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-love and low self-confidence, we find such
comments to be rather abstract and trivial. We continually find that self-sabotage
reflects relationship history.
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I have built many businesses to a certain
level of success, and then just watched them collapse. I have repeated this
pattern all my life. During your coaching I realized that I could never let
myself be more successful than my mother. Honolulu, Hawaii |
Here are examples of what really prompts people to
sabotage themselves:
- Secondary gains - does failure have nice
benefits?
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Identity Loss - are you present, conscious and awake?
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Transference - does your partner object to your
success?
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Identifications - are you repeating an ancestor's
victimhood?
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DPI - Are you compensating for the death of a family
member?
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Complex conflicts - does part of you object
to your own success?
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Entanglements - is it right for you to be happier
than your parents?
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Guilt - do you feel undeserving of success because
you have hurt others?
- Abuse / Trauma - does some
part of you fight or sabotage the rest of you?
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Relationship bonds - have you accepted limiting beliefs
about yourself or your world?
Leaving these issues unresolved may
simply cause you to repeat self-sabotage in more try-cycles. If things don't
change - they stay the same! You can resolve these issues or you can prepare for
failure.
One way of negotiating with internal saboteurs is
simply to be friendly.
Explore their goals and values. What do they want so that they can relax?
When do you Sabotage Yourself?
Do you procrastinate about making or implementing plans? Do
you daydream instead of working? Becoming conscious of when you sabotage
yourself does not end the cycle. Also notice where,
with whom, how and how often you sabotage yourself. We
can help you CHANGE destructive habits.
Dissolving self-sabotage is often a huge step towards getting
what you want! Yet changing this may require you change your attitude and your
sense of life. Dissolving self-defeating habits will likely bring you closer to
your goals than any amount of complaining, blaming or justifying your lack of
success.
Inner Saboteurs & Inner Mentors
Inner saboteurs and inner mentors are rather
similar ... what are their differences? It is often fascinating to explore the
world-views of parts of you that you may call inner saboteurs or gremlins etc;
and compare them to those parts of you that you may call your inner wisdom. This
table is somewhat over-simplified, but I hope to contrast these two types of
motivation.
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Inner Saboteur (Victim) |
Inner Mentor (Creator) |
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There is only one way
You focus on your fears
You feel powerless - you are stuck
Your 'energy' is down - you feel hopeless
Your are motivated away from your fears
Your protect by fighting or fleeing
True power is in the outside world (You often feel
disappointed.)
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There are many ways
Your focus on your values
You feel powerful - you can change
Your 'energy' is up - you feel excited
You are motivated towards your goals
You protect by creating or confronting
True power is within (You often feel satisfied.)
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Accessing your basic identity or authentic
integrity (we call this the Soul of Soulwork)
can help you dissolve your emotional and relationship blocks. Much of our
systemic coaching focuses on helping people access their integrity, which an
become a compass through life's dilemmas and decisions.
What do all parts of you want?
Practical Steps to Success
After resolving your entanglements and toxic bonds, these steps can
help you empower your success. (But if you haven't resolved the underlying issues, these steps
may simply start more sabotage try-cycles.)
- Give credit to others! Give credit
where credit is due.
- Deliver results! Your success reflects
your accountability.
- Promote yourself! Let colleagues know
about your successes.
- Choose your friends! Be friends with people
who motivate you to stretch.
- Keep perspective! Seek the
perspective of respected colleagues or a coach.
- Be effective! Connect with people -
communicate in person whenever you can.
- Keep learning! Knowledge is power.
Keep learning new ideas and approaches.
- Keep your skills current! - The world
is changing and there is a demand for jobs.
- Remember - you are replaceable!
Other people can do your work as well as you.
- Create a life plan! Many successful
people memorize or write down their life plans.
Summary
Most self-sabotage reflects
relationship disappointments and toxic bonds.
Do you want to explore, understand and dissolve your own self-sabotage?
Online Coaching to End Self-Sabotage
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2009-2012
All rights reserved. |
