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Do you want to make your own decisions?
Solving Problems
To Einstein the quote is attributed that we cannot resolve a
problem at the same level of thought from which we created it. This is
specifically notable in relation to emotional problems and the life situations
which we create.
Often we are caught within a disappointing circle of emotional
impulses and thoughts directed toward a change of outer situations or even other
people; we make rational choices, which then we usually either delay or suffer
due to contradictory emotions within us, which can make it impossible to even
make a decision.
Every one of these impulses, emotions and thoughts contain an
atom of truth and an atom of healthy and justifiable desires but not one of them
contains the wider picture. Before we deal with the beliefs and emotions that
limit us, each of these impulses periodically seems to us accurate and
realistic.
After we heal ourselves of limitations and, which is
particularly important, integrate our lost and forgotten qualities and parts of
out true being, we can comprehend the saying of a Zen Master: the opposite to
truth is in fact truth. We can look at the situation with a deeper understanding
and insight, and what is more important, without limitations that hinder us. At
that moment the answer is obvious and within itself understandable, similarly in
a way as when we observe other people who wrestle with their own problems.
Personal Relationships
For example, perhaps you are unsatisfied with the quality of
your personal relationship. Maybe within yourself there is a battle between
anger, love, defiance, fear, thoughts like: 'he/she is better than many
others.... and better to be with him/her than alone... but he/she does not value
or recognize me as much as I desire... but in some situations he is very
caring... the question is if I would be able to find what I desire if ended this
relationship... but I still desire much more than this relationship can give
me...'
Trying to change another person or our outer environment, or
to make a rational decision for the sake of making it, is quite an
unsuccessful method in resolution of problems. Even if it works (which is
usually only temporarily) the internal problem remains unresolved, emotions
unhealed, lost parts of us remain unintegrated, and we will quite quickly
create, or will be attracted to, a similar situation, or similar feelings,
as before until we finally turn to our self and toward resolving the cause of
the problem.
Traumatic experiences and toxic relations cause "fissures" in
the personality, as some parts are thrown away in order to make space for
limited beliefs (often what is thrown away are positive qualities amongst which
in first place is self-esteem), others are repressed and remain immature
(uncomfortable feelings), whilst others develop and create a mask of a
compensatory nature (e.g. aggressiveness, playing victim, and sometimes even
positive qualities may be developed as a mask, such as an overt intellectualism,
sexuality or humor...)
After we resolve our limited beliefs we can then integrate,
for example, lost feelings of self respect, optimism, the inner feeling of
happiness. Only then it may become obvious to us, depending upon the situation
we find ourselves in, that we were, for example, reacting strongly to little
things which we can resolve through honesty and calm conversation, or perhaps
that we truly neglected ourselves out of fear that we do not deserve what we
really want, or that we cannot find anything better.
Resolutions
Maybe we have rationally understood this much earlier, but
similarly- as when one tries to guide a friend toward a rational and positive
resolution to his/her problem- the same emotions and fears would reemerge that
kept us back. Attempting to choose between the rational and emotional, between
one emotion and another, is a maddening job. Until we do not reach a degree of
integration from which our being can feel and act as a whole at a new level of
maturity and healthiness. That is truly a quantum leap in consciousness.
The problem with this is that it is very easy to belittle our
own contribution to the problem, to act after immature emotions which in such
moments seem very realistic, and put off their resolution 'for later'. In such
delaying we can spend years and even decades in unnecessary frustrations,
instead of utilizing that time for advancing and creating a happy and healthy
life.
Coaching with Kosjenka
© Kosjenka Muk, 2005
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