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Are you entangled in stressful
relationships or painful emotions with a sibling?
Do you suffer from childhood anger or trauma associated with a
brother or a sister?
We help people untangle and improve difficult family relationships.
Part 2:
Sibling Rivalry & Family Chaos
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I wanted to write a simple article on the
consequences of birth order ... yet the existence of siblings
(living, dead, aborted or missing) and the behavior of relatives
create complex patterns of family dynamics. (And if two families with children
merge - everything I describe here will likely be more complicated ... click
HERE) Martyn
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Note ... if you feel strong emotions
as you read this, especially if you have difficult relationships
with siblings, please consider getting
emotional coaching.
Children, regardless of birth order or the number of siblings,
seem to cope better with growing up if they feel loved by and loyal to
both parents. We find that if, for whatever reasons, the parents cannot
maintain a comfortable, committed partnership or if they cannot encourage their
children's maturity, both the parents and their children may suffer chronic
emotional stress; and the children of such families are likely to consider
chronic stress to be normal.
Single Children
During childhood, single children often live primarily in adult worlds.
If their parents have a healthy partnership, single children usually learn how to behave
and how to entertain themselves. They tend to be mature and creative, although they may
not relate well with other children of their own age. Later, as young adults, they may
relate better to mature adults than children who grew up with siblings.
If a single child has immature parent, one parent - often the
opposite sex parent - may inappropriately bond to the child, creating lasting
confusion - see covert
emotional incest. Many years ago, Alfred Adler predicted the consequences of
both parents spoiling their only child:
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“The only child ... becomes dependent,
always waiting for someone to show him the way, and searching for support.
Indulged throughout his life, he is unused to difficulties, because
someone has smoothed his path for him. Being constantly the centre of
attention he easily acquires the feeling that he is valuable. ...
He is almost certain to pick up misconceptions about life." Alfred Adler 1927 |
Single children of lonely or depressed parents may
discover that they can influence their parents' moods and behavior,
and they may try to 'parent' their parents. Such children may assume
burdens of responsibility for maintaining their parents' moods;
burdens that they may never put down ... burdens that immature parents
may encourage ... burdens that may crush the children.
Single children of doting parents may not learn how to
deal with ordinary animosity, injustice and conflict until adulthood. They
may withdraw from difficult situations and comply with more assertive
children, even at personal loss. Healthier children can compete and even
fight for their possessions or values – without feeling compelled to bully,
harm or hurt other children.
Lonely children with dead or missing siblings
(through adoption, abortion, infant death etc) may feel that someone
important is missing, and invent phantom friends to compensate for
missing siblings. Later in life they may dissociate or suffer the consequences
of chronic unpleasant emotions.
First Children
First children often to carry the most responsibility of
all siblings. If a first child dies, leaves the family or is weak, this responsibility
may be taken by the next child in birth order. If the eldest child was male, and
the next-in-line is female - the girl may spontaneously show tomboy
behavior, as she attempts to compensate for her missing or weak older brother.
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I always saw my older brother
as weak. During my coaching, I realized that I tried to take his place.
I parented him, and I tried to be the strong son that our father wanted.
Now, with three divorces and your coaching behind me, I can finally be
who I am - a woman. Denver, USA |
If the parents want a first child to be a
boy, a first girl-child may feel under pressure to be boy-like, and
become a tomboy. Occasionally, parents want a girl - but have a boy.
Such children, as adults, may have difficulty defining their sexual orientation
and attracting a healthy partner.
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My parents wanted a son and then a
daughter. As their second son, I always felt that I was a mistake ... they
seemed to expect
me to be delicate and passive ... my older brother became the macho kid and I
became the weakling. We are still that way. Belfast, Ireland |
First children who were treated as special
may feel distress if other people do not recognize their
special-ness. This seems to prevent many first children from seeking help. Why
should they change? They are special! (They may believe that they cannot
benefit from help designed for ordinary people.)
As adults, favored children may be unable to
dissolve their parental bonds and develop the maturity required for
committed partnership.
They may get lost in fixations, addictions or affairs
as they search for substitutes for happiness.
Brothers and Sisters
In families with more than one living child, conflicts between
siblings are common, and can persist into adult life. The first two children
are often have quite different personalities - the first and second-born
children may seem to
identify with one or the other parents (and parental expectations) and act out
their parent's conflicts. Third and subsequent children often appear to have more emotional freedom.
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If parents
to resolve their emotional baggage
- their conflicts, transferences and enmeshments, some of their
children's issues seem to magically disappear. This may be most obvious
when children have learning problems.
Martyn |
If an immature parent tries to live vicariously
through the life of a child, that child risks
becoming a child star. Nothing the siblings do may seem to be good
enough. The child star may try and fail to carry the responsibilities of
an immature or missing parent, so he or she may emotionally burn out and become
a scapegoat for family problems ... a black sheep that other family
members blame ... perhaps for years.
Stressed children may feel highly motivated
to leave home - to leave the town or even the country, with little motivation
to return. As adults, these people may say, "I would get sick /
go crazy if I returned!"
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After her divorce, my mother
married a man with four children, which meant eight children in a small
house. I began hitch-hiking around the country when I was 14, and left
home forever when I was 17. I had no home and I couldn't stay in my parents' house.
Wales |
Siblings who suffered a lack of parental
attention may strive to gain the full attention of their parents, something that
a first child, a child star or sick child may experience.
Other siblings may feel that they would benefit from any failure of a child star,
and resent that child's successes. This (hardly conscious) childish attitude may
continue for life, unless it becomes conscious and can be assimilated.
Last Children
The youngest children may carry least responsibility
in family systems, and be the most fun-loving. Sometimes a father may perceive
the youngest daughter as his Little Princess
- and enjoy her immature love. If the youngest child is male - the boy
may express passive or feminine behavior to gain his parent's attention.
Middle Children
The middle children of families are often less
competitive - the parents don't give as much time to each child and
so most middle children learn to cooperate.
They are less likely to carry the terrible burden of feeling special
or wanting special treatment.
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My older brother (19) acts like he is
a king and my younger brother (15) acts like a baby. They both expect me to
look after them! I just want to be a sister! My parents don't know what to do.
I can't wait to leave
home. Trieste, Italy |
Birth Order
The birth order of a child will affect how he or she sees
himself. Research on birth order, sometimes called ordinal position, shows
that first children are more likely to go to college than other children. Healthy
parents can help all children to perceive themselves as unique individuals and
avoid comparing themselves with their siblings or with other people.
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My older brother was the golden one
and could do no wrong. I was the black sheep and I could do no right. We
fought endlessly, and I was always blamed ... in our thirties we still
avoided each other ... until your coaching. Manchester, UK |
Do the adult siblings want to resolve their issues?
Or do they only want to avoid unpleasant emotions and difficult
conversations? We help people clarify their relationships
and transform problematic emotions as they build or rebuild mature
relationships that make sense.
Continued in:
Sibling Rivalry & Family Chaos 2
Online Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2008-2012 All rights reserved
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