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Real partners have real partnership
problems. People in affairs or couples who are emotionally separated may
not have partnership issues. We help people recognize, survive and
resolve partnership problems - restore marriages - start new
relationships - or live independently.
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We coach couples to rebuild their relationships
for lasting happiness, and we also help couples separate peacefully.
We find that, for most people, partnership separation or divorce is as
stressful as a death in the family. A mutual, mature decision to separate
comprises less than 20% of divorces. (See Jordan (1985)
Effects of marital separation on men"
Brisbane, Family Court of Australia.)
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Perhaps we are playing a game -
a game called We are not playing a game!
If we talk about the rules our game
we break the rules of our game
(the game called We are not playing a game!)
and we punish each other
Adapted from Knots by R.D.Laing
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A breakup of committed partners is a life crisis. Most
separating partners seem to follow predictable steps as they try to cope with
the stress of their relationship breakdown. (See
Divorce Coaching.)
Are your Relationships Healthy or in Crisis?
I composed this little chart a few years ago for making quick checks of
partnership health This chart also helps me assess the health of other
relationships (e.g. friends, team workers, neighbors ...)
| Healthy
Partnership |
Relationship in
Crisis |
Partners show
appreciation and
gratitude to each other |
One or both are
often dissociated,
irritated, depressed or critical |
Partners respond
to most verbal
and nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore,
avoid or
shorten most communications |
| Partners review events
in their history |
They rarely review
their history together |
| Partners greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact together,
without even silent intimacy |
| Partners enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
criticize the other's goals and needs |
| Partners discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals,
values or dreams |
| Partners share
meals and housework together |
One person often
eats or cleans alone |
| Partners often go out
together |
They generally prefer
to go out alone |
Partners create projects
which
require committed cooperation |
One or both often avoid,
ignore or
give token attention to shared projects |
| They wish to stay together
to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness |
One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and angrily demand changes |
| Partners want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
Children often carry the burden of their parent's
projections, while adults adopt the projections of
their partners and colleagues. How much of your behavior is a response to
other people's projections?
Long-term partners need not be dependent! Over half of first
marriages end in divorce, and even more second marriages or subsequent
partnerships end in separation. Physical health suffers - people in intimate couples
live about 4 years longer than singles. (Partnership is a life extension intervention,
Gottman and Silver, 1999).
Ignoring and not resolving partnership problems is unhealthy and expensive.
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Unrealistic expectations are a root cause of
failed partnerships and play out in all aspects of a relationship. 'I'm
not good enough' and 'You are not good enough' undermine happiness in
partnership and in life generally. Marina Budimir, Soulwork Coach,
Croatia
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Where are healthy role models for healthy partnership? So many
young people commence partnership with ideas based on their parents'
behavior, television shows, movies, sports and media stars, often using rock
music lyrics as toxic affirmations. Few people I meet seem to consider what beliefs and
skills are needed for mature partnership and parenthood, and even fewer
work to acquire those qualities.
And, talking about health, psychologist Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad
found that unpredictable partnerships characterized by ambivalence (inability to
decide) can lead to high blood pressure. Some people really do seem to suffer and die of
broken hearts.
I see few role models for separating peacefully.
Many people find themselves repeating the drama of separated parents, divorced
relatives or movie characters. The only role models and advice that
many (most?) people have for separation and divorce are often frightfully toxic.
Many separating partners seem to work hard to ensure that their
partners feel at least as badly as they do!
Coaching Partners through Partnership Breakdown
Real partners
have real partnership problems - people in affairs and people who stay
together for economic, religious or social reasons often avoid resolving partnership
problems. All partners will be challenged by predictable stressors during their
partnership - yet few couples seem prepared for them. We coach
couples to survive and benefit from challenges
... and we coach some couples to separate.
Should you coach friends? Coaching couples through difficulties is
complicated by immature emotional reactions, especially concerning children,
property and money.
As partners discuss
separation and sort through their 'dirty laundry',
they may be at their least resourceful and most prone to emotional outbursts.
They may want to forget this later and they may want to avoid the person who
witnessed this ... you.
Are you prepared for this? |
Step 1: Assess Partnership Skills & Emotional Baggage
Unskilled people can damage what they try to
fix. Many well-intentioned people not only lack mature partnership skills,
they are unaware that partnership skills exist. They perceive happy
couples as lucky and unhappy couples as unlucky. People who have
not developed their own
partnership skills may give terrible advice, for example "If it's meant to
be - it will happen", or "Love can solve any problem".
Most partnership problems begin before a
partnership. Unresolved issues from childhood, from past trauma or from
previous partnerships become the emotional baggage that people take
into new relationships. The partners may express their emotional baggage
directly, or through their children.
Some partnership issues begin early in a partnership.
Suicide threats ("If you leave me I'll ...") may be the most
toxic, perhaps followed by betrayal of previous partners, extravagant gifts
and living together too quickly. Expectations and projections can also plant
seeds for future pain and disappointment.
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Our couple coaching
includes educating partners about crisis and separation, and
finding solutions that benefit both partners, their children ...
and future partners. Some couples, after resolving their entanglements
and fixations, request our help to start a new partnership ... with each other.
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If you Separate ... How can you BOTH Benefit?
The life-cycle of a partnership often reflects the intentions of
the partners when they started their relationship. If a partnership was initiated
by need, guilt, anger or fear, or if it began with a weak or dependent person
seeking support ... a future crisis has already started. If a couple
can recognize and deal with these issues, great. We help couples understand
each other and make clear decisions.
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After separation, mature adults often choose a relationship-free
period; dependent and codependent people quickly jump into affairs; while immature
individuals often obsess about revenge and punishment.
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We coach people to make mature
relationship decisions for healthy partnership! A failed partnership does not mean that either
partner is a failure ... it more often means that one or both lacked
the coaching or training to develop their partnership skills and make
mature relationship decisions.
Continued
in Part 2 Solutions for Crisis - Step by Step
We can coach you to solve partnership problems,
dissolve relationship conflicts, define family goals and develop mature relationship skills.
We can help you explore your dreams of happiness! You
can then better decide how you want to express and receive love
in your everyday life.
Online Coaching for Better Partnership
Decisions
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 2008-2011
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