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Excellence in individual goalwork is a basis for the more
complex coaching of couples,
families and teams. Relationship goals ("What goals do you want to
fulfill together?")
are not a sum of individual goals and
their fulfillment often require relationship coaching
to resolve underlying transferences, objections and conflicts.
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SMART goals (an acronym created by Ken
Blanchard in his book The One Minute Manager) are great to know,
should you by some miracle meet a person who has one! |
In the coaching community, goals are given
lip-service, yet most goals I hear seem shallow, superficial and under-defined.
During our coaching I help people define their goals as specifically as
they can,
expecting those goals to change and transform as we move ahead.
My goal for this goalwork is not so
much to find a logical sequence of upbeat words ... rather to find a person's
verbal and non-verbal signals indicating what we often call goal physiology
... a sense of high motivation without nonverbal objections
(e.g. headshakes / nose rubbing / scratches / tics / etc). I suddenly
think of a pointer dog who has just sensed a rabbit in a bush! That energetic
posture is unmistakable.
Before moving on, I also check if I want to coach this
person to reach this goal. I will not coach people to achieve goals that I find
distasteful, or to actions that may hurt children. Fortunately, this is rare.
Desire as a Path to Integrity
With Goalwork, simple goals can lead to life visions. With
careful goal definition, people are often surprised to find wonderful goals. They
often say something like, "I always wanted that but
never vocalized it before".
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We explored what I wanted
... until suddenly I knew what I really wanted ...
something so wonderful that I
never dared dwell on it ...
because of the pain of wanting it but not
getting it ... |
You can use your desires as a path to discover and experience your deepest self!
This experience of self, that we sometimes call Soul, or integrity, can be a
basis for living a meaningful life. Consider:
- Why are you here?
- What is your life purpose?
- What makes sense in your life?
- How will you know that you are fulfilling your life purpose?
These questions may seem ridiculous - or they may seem worthy of introspection. Your answers may not seem to relate to your normal,
everyday life. Yet your life consists of normal everyday days. Here is
a normal everyday question: What do you want?
Useful Goals
Do you begin goal sentences with “I want...”. Or do you say
things like “It’s important that...”, “It would be nice
if...” or “People like me need...”.
Such statements may reflect not what you want, but what you
believe ... or what you want other people to believe that you believe. For
example, many people have told us beliefs such as, “It’s not good to say what you want”
or
“If you say what you want you will offend somebody”
and “What’s the point – I can’t get it anyway”.
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Martyn ... during our session you commented
that whenever you asked me what I wanted ... I would complain. That irritated me
because I instantly knew that you were right. It is not easy to start sentences
with "I want" ... but since I did, my world is changing. |
Useful goals provide direction and motivation, yet to get to useful goals,
you may require information that is not logical or conscious. Many
people
go into spontaneous trance-like states as they consider their life goals -
Annegret Hallanzy called this goal-hypnosis.
Defining Goals A goal can mean many things. Most useful goals
are specific, for example:
- a wish to complete a specific activity
- an objective to own an item not currently owned
- a desire to experience a feeling or emotion
in some context
Most useful goals include specific actions at a specific
times. Abstract goals e.g. I want to feel good can indicate a
general area in which a goal may exist. I refer to abstract goals as goal
directions. (When teaching, I often comment that an abstract goal is the skin of a goal -
stuffed with conflict).
Another type of goal (often called a complaint) has the form "I don't
want ...".
Complaints usually reflect unpleasant feelings and come in two flavors:
- statements about perceived conditions (e.g. I
feel bad about ...)
- statements with a negative grammar (e.g. I don't want
to feel bad about ...)
Conflicting goals take a few forms - see
Double Wishes.
The three most simple forms are:
- I want A and B
- I want A so that B
- I want Person A to do Action B
More complex goals are commonplace. A real example was, "I don't want my
brother to sell our house and to smarten up so that I can do something useful
instead of just goofing off".
I usually write down complex goals exactly as spoken.
Then I and the client can carefully dissect the complex goal and create a sequence of steps until I see goal physiology.
I may not need to know all the details ... the client knows them and that's
usually enough for us to continue on.
The above complex goal when defined became something like ... "I want to feel
motivated when I ask my brother to cooperate with me to clean out the attic so
that I can build an attic apartment as a step towards buying his share of our
parent's home". It is still not a completely useful goal (how clean out
/ where to put junk / how to build an apartment / buy a share for what price
etc) but it is a lot more useful for knowing what to do next. The key for
me was that the client's body was radiating congruence.
Evidence of success?
You may
want a bigger house, more happiness, less suffering. Maybe you may want a
romantic holiday in Hawaii or to exchange your old car. Your answers may
seem to only reflect your current needs.
Yet, if pursued, your goals will lead to profound questions of purpose and
meaning. And if your goals reflect your chosen life purpose - if your goal has deep
meaning for you, achieving it will be fulfilling.
What do you NOT want?
Do you know exactly what you don’t want? Maybe you don’t want to be
unhappy. This thought will likely accompany images of unhappiness. Ask
instead “What do I want instead of being unhappy?” Perhaps you
want more something? Maybe you want more money. This thought will likely
accompany images of not having enough money.
“How will you know if you are happy?" “How will you
know if you have more money?” If you continually state negative
goals or comparisons - you may be excluding an important part of
yourself from your decision process. Include this part by
focusing on and verbalizing what you do want.
What do you want NEXT?
Do you normally make "multiple goals"? Do
you want money and freedom? Do you want a university degree so that
you can find self-respect? Do you want someone to do something for you?
Such double-wishes usually indicate inner conflict.
Can you put your goals into a sequence? Would having money lead
to freedom - or would having freedom be a step towards money?
Can you let go of cause-effect language? Can you take responsibility?
Some multiple goals may be mutually exclusive. For example, “I want a
monogamous relationship AND I want many affairs”. “I want to put all my
effort into building a business AND I want to travel around the world for an
extended holiday”.
In this case, we find the advantages of achieving both goals –
even if their simultaneous fulfillment is impossible! What would become
possible for you if you were to have already achieved both those goals?
This often leads to a goal-trance, in which we can
dream together to help people find more
important goals. (See
Double Wishes)
What EXACTLY do you want?
Maybe you want happiness, or love, or health. Abstract goals are unlikely to
support your success. Do you know how you want to achieve your goal?
How do you want to have happiness Do you know how you will know if
you achieve your wish? What would convince you that you have love And
do you know your real goal? For what purpose do you want health?
When do you want this?
Do you have goals without deadlines? Do you want to feel wonderful - sometime?
Do you want a high quality relationship - before you die? Even if you know exactly
what you want - if you do not choose a time frame, your chance for success
may lessen. Exactly when do you want your success?
Achieving what goals would convince you that you are
fulfilling your life purpose?
Unresolved abuse or
trauma support internal conflict, which can
undermine your ability to move forward, joyously, toward your dreams and goals.
Do you experience internal conflict as critical voices, as unpleasant feelings
or as guilt and shame? Is your optimism replaced by
hopelessness? Do you keep repeating habits that only bring suffering?
Are you
ready to actively pursue your dreams and fulfill your
visions?
Or do you want more time to think about them?
Goal Coaching and Planning
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers, 1993-2012 All rights reserved
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