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Human relationships have predictable patterns of pleasure and pain.
We help people build, improve and enjoy healthy relationships.
In the early 1990s,
Annegret Hallanzy (Munich, Germany) and I developed a basis for
"systemic" solutions for helping people to identify and
solve emotional, cognitive and relationship problems, and to define
and plan their life goals. Annegret has since developed
a methodology she calls Transparent Therapy and I am further developing my systemic
coaching methodology with Kosjenka Muk, a therapist whose life and work is
based on living with integrity. Martyn
Our Coaching Philosophy
(1) We explore how
our emotions, relationships and goals influence our life purpose
(2) We create and test methods on
ourselves until we understand solutions
(3) We test our
understanding in unpaid sessions with volunteers
(4) We modify our methods for
various individual situations
(5) We condense our
understanding into articles
(6) We post our articles on
the internet
(7) We offer paid sessions
You are a member of many relationship systems. You
are a member of your early family, your current and past friendships,
your current and past teams, your current and past partnerships and your
regional and national cultures. Do you sometimes feel confused or
overwhelmed by your relationships?
You are
subject to the consequences of the often-contradictory and often-unknown rules of
each of your human systems. And, as all human systems are subsystems of
planetary ecosystems, you are also subject to the consequences of
environmental and systemic rules that govern the ecology of this planet.
We find that simple rules cannot provide adequate
guidance for relationships. (For example, "Be polite" has
little value when meeting visitors from other cultures - English politeness may
irritate people from Asia or Africa). Each human system has values and rules.
Understanding cultural values and systemic rules helps us recognize and change
both unhealthy relationships, appropriate to the culture.
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In which of your relationships is it
against the rules to question the rules? |
You can understand some rules of your relationships by
observing your relationship habits. Some of your habits follow patterns set
by family traditions. You learned many habits during childhood
and teenage experiences.
Are you happy with your habits? Can you easily change them?
Systems Coaching: Philosophy & Technique
It seems there are no right human behaviors and no correct
relationship philosophies. There are actions and consequences. If you want
long-term solutions for relationship problems, seek coaching from people who
understand the rules, consequences and solutions for the human systems you
live in.
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Our coaching is not
about technique - it's about integrity. "Is a proposed change
in the best interest of everybody involved?" Integrity
requires that we evaluate relationship ecology first! |
Few coaches seek our philosophy - they
more often want more techniques. Yet poorly understood techniques
can lead to failure ... or worse. It seems that obsession with techniques
accompanies egotism, client abuse and
therapist damage.
People obsessed with technique can hurt others.
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Since I entered the world of NLP, hypnotherapy
and inspirational self-improvement, my life has changed. I definitely don't like
these changes, but I can't get out of them because they were imprinted in me on
an emotional level ... Email |
Unskilled coaching often supports only short-term success ... and
perhaps long-term failure. Changing relationship behavior for short-term selfish
gains may precipitate long-term suffering. (E.g. Many decisions to kill and abort unborn children are made oblivious of the
consequences of abortion.)
Limits to Conversation
Attempts have been made to guide, regulate and limit the
conversations that are called coaching, counseling, consulting and
therapy. The presuppositions within those codes, guidelines and regulations
reflect the goals and ambitions of the writers.
Abstract guidelines may sound warm and fuzzy, but often lack
substance. The International
Coaching Federation (ICF) attempted to define coaching relationships in 2002:
ICF Coaching Philosophy
The International Coach Federation (ICF) ...
honors the client as the expert in his/her life and work, and believes that
every client is creative, resourceful and whole.
Standing on this foundation,
the coach's responsibility is to:
- Discover, clarify, and align with
what the client wants to achieve
- Encourage client self-discovery
- Elicit client-generated solutions and
strategies
- Hold the client responsible and
accountable
From ICF Standards, revised July 2002 |
While people are supposed to be natural,
resourceful, creative and whole, we find these missing, absent or hidden
qualities in their dreams - accessible by
Dreaming Together. Abstract guidelines rarely provide useful guidance for
specific relationships. Our years of coaching experience indicates that:
- Most people are not expert in but are
totally unaware of their own life dynamics
- Few people can access their creativity,
resourcefulness and integrity
- Client-generated solutions and strategies are
often totally unrealistic
- Nobody can truthfully discover, clarify
and align with all client goals
- Many adults actively avoid responsibility and accountability
- Self-discovery often exposes strong unpleasant
emotions
Our Coaching Philosophy
We can effectively coach people to
improve their relationship behavior if we have researched the causes,
benefits, choices and relationship consequences of similar behaviors
with people from similar cultural backgrounds
In our workshops and coach training, people learn
from experience ...
we teach through demonstration, discussion, exercises
and feedback.
From
Soulwork Code of Conduct 2005 |
Coaching & Informed Consent
A coach, counselor or therapist can gain informed consent
before making decisions that affect a client. For us, this means that we provide
clear information about potential risks, benefits and alternative methods to
achieve a goal, or to solve specified problems. Informed consent
requires that we discuss the risks, benefits, consequences and
alternative methods for reaching their goals.
This benefits both us and our and clients. As coaches, we
are guests of relationship systems and we are also subject to systemic consequences.
People who avoid this ethical step, who make decisions for their clients
without informed consent, risk becoming emotionally entangled with their
clients.
Practitioners who make decisions for clients risk being perceived
as substitutes for parents. Although some people seem to enjoy this ... clients
may respond by becoming dependent or
antagonistic, often reliving old family conflicts. The consequences show
up as relationship chaos and emotional confusion.
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If you behave in a way that your behavior could
be misconstrued, probably some people will misconstrue it. Even if you become entangled
unknowingly, it may be difficult to sort it out.
Take responsibility to act
responsibly! Untangle yourself! |
Some practitioners deliberately take
parental roles towards clients - and some try to take partner roles
(perhaps in intimate affairs). Although becoming a substitute family
member has enormous influence on both the practitioners' and the clients' lives,
the unpleasant consequences of such transferences, substitutions and affairs seem
to be ignored in most training programs that we have researched.
We call attention to these risks and we train
people
on how to recognize and minimize them.
Personal Philosophy & Integrity
How much were we programmed during our early relationships?
Can we overcome our childish desires to obey our parents and conform to
community standards?
We often help people create personal philosophies that
reflects their moral standards and integrity. A personal philosophy
influences how people understand reality ... how they make decisions, how
they relate to people and how they deal with the consequences
of their actions.
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Do you use techniques or do you
coach people?
Your answers to these questions can indicate much about
your coaching philosophy.
- Are your own relationships happy and healthy?
- Do you follow a similar formula with every client?
- Do you offer people coaching, dogma or
good advice?
- With what relationship types do you claim
competence?
- Why do you want to help people change their
relationships?
- Can you predict the relationship consequences of your
advice?
- Are you offended or irritated if someone ignores your good advice?
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Relationship Coaching: Codes of Ethics
Personal coaching philosophies can be terribly abstract, while
practical ethics are easier to specify. Our rather practical code of coaching
ethics includes:
- maintain confidentiality
- offer a paid service only if competent
- clarify rules and boundaries with clients
- claim only qualifications that are possessed
- respect every member of a relationship system
- make appropriate referrals to competent professionals
- use extra safeguards for
coaching children
and young adults
How to become Whys
We perceive coaching
to be a series of conversations. For our conversations
to be useful, and for changes to be beneficial and lasting, our coaching often includes
education about the causes of relationship habits, the consequences of change, and how
to develop appropriate relationship skills.
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Questions that explore professional integrity
include, "What does a client want?", "What
does a client pay for?" and "What does a client
take away?" |
Our Coaching Philosophy
We coach people to get what they want. We coach people to begin,
improve, maintain and end relationships. We train people
to recognize relationship types and patterns,
and we help people predict the consequences of specified changes.
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Our coaching is about improving cooperation.
We can, without need or dependency,
coach people to:
- define and fulfill their responsibilities
- fulfill responsibilities to their relationship
systems
- resolve relationship transferences and
identity loss
- explore relationship consequences of individual
goals
- find lasting solutions for cross-generational
relationship habits
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Our coaching is not psychotherapy - we do
not analyze your past. It is not religious - we are not
authorities on how you should live your life. It is not psychology
- we have no pre-systemic fascination with statistics. We help people enjoy the
relationships and results that they want.
Our coaching is not medicine - we do not diagnose
medical conditions nor prescribe treatment. Our coaching is not hypnosis
- we avoid covert manipulation. And we are not New Age - our systemic
solutions are prophet-free.
Bottom Lines
With an appropriate philosophy, suitable training,
quality support and a desire to share, you can help
people achieve miracles. Any lack of these qualities may cause you,
with whatever good intentions, to increase confusion and suffering.
Client abuse and therapist damage hurt both
coaches and clients. Learn systemic coaching from experienced
trainers who demonstrate these qualities.
Do you want to dissolve emotional blocks
and enjoy better relationships?
Online Coaching, Training &
Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
& Kosjenka Muk 2008-2012 All rights reserved.
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