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We meet many couples who are not prepared for the
challenges of raising children, and many children who feel
confused or anxious about their roles and responsibilities. Parenting without
mature guidance often seems to lead to unpleasant conflicts, toxic
family behavior and obsessions.
We recommend that families hold regular
family meetings to discuss topics of interest,
to set individual and
family goals and to discuss ways to achieve those goals.
Building & Rebuilding Families
It can take about twenty minutes to make a baby and about
twenty years to make an adult.
Many people seem to assume or at least hope that they, their partners and
their children
will effortlessly create a family - just like in the movies. Good intentions should be enough,
yes?
While new partners may experience joyful anticipation, children,
especially children from previous relationships, may feel uncertain and stressed. What does their future hold? What is happening
between their parents and their extended families? Stressed children may
withdraw or act out their emotions chaotically.
Feeling part of a family includes the
sense of connection often called love. If love is not felt by
children, they
may be unable to make their feelings and behavior comply with their parents' wishes.
This perceived lack of appropriate love can give rise to a
multitude of problems.
During family challenges, stressed children may become burdened with
learning disabilities and
emotional problems - some of which may stay hidden until
adolescence. We find that a very useful way to prevent, prepare for
and solve family problems are family meetings.
Starting Family Meetings
Who is your family? Do you consider a family to be limited
to two opposite-sex partners and their children, or do you include uncles,
aunts, cousins, in laws and close friends. Family meetings can include everyone
who is or wishes to be part of a "family team". This may sometimes
include god-parents, close family friends, neighbors and/or paid caregivers.
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One of our models for healthy families is a healing ritual
called ho'oponopono in old
Hawaii. Ho'oponopono consisted of family meetings conducted to build harmony, to
prevent discord and to heal family conflicts - which were perceived as a
common cause of illness and disease.
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Who do you invite? Will you include sick or aged family members in family
meetings? If a family member might not understand the purpose and goals of the
family meetings, it might be appropriate to hold some meetings without that person.
If some family members prefer to share thoughts, ideas and
feelings that would be painful for a distressed or ill person to hear, consider holding a
private family meeting to discuss this, and a later meeting with that person present.
Children may feel stressed if they are told to pretend that strangers
are family. You can help help them if you clarify each person's relationship to the
family, and their roles and responsibilities.
Expectations
Expect uncertainty, especially during the first few meetings.
Expect conflicts over responsibilities, rules and discipline. Expect teenagers to complain. Expect
parents to try to follow their own family traditions (i.e. -
what was normal for them when they were children). Expect grandparents to
side with their grandchildren.
Family meetings can challenge existing rules and roles, and
any changes in these rules
and roles may seem uncomfortable or even feel wrong. But a lack of limits
and boundaries may signal
to children that
their parents just don't care about them. Children may deal with their own difficult feelings by
withdrawing, avoiding each other or fighting.
Children who must change homes, districts or schools
may feel alone and abandoned. They may resent being encouraged to
work together. Teenagers under stress may want to spend more
and more time with their friends and minimize their time at home.
Parents can avoid asking children - including teenagers -
for advice about partnership, money, custody or legal issues. Parents can
reassure younger children that decisions are for their best interest, and
ask older children for their thoughts and feelings - and tell them that
although final decisions will be made by the parents, their opinions are important.
Leading Family Meetings
A family is not a democracy! We find
that family decisions based on numbers of votes can have very unpleasant
consequences! Family meetings can be a great way for parents to explore
and hear all points of view so that the parents can make better family
decisions - they are not ways for children to manipulate their parents!
It is useful to remember that children want to be loyal
to both parents. Children may react as if any criticism or rejection of
the other parent is criticism and rejection of themselves. (And many
young children seem to bury or hide their emotional pain until adolescence.)
Ideal settings for family meetings are quiet and
private locations, with chairs arranged in some sort of circle or around
a table. Everyone should be able to sit down if they wish. Include some
refreshments (water, tea, biscuits, fruit ...) for breaks and to prevent
dehydration.
Most parents have different experiences and different
parenting skills. Parents who have been mostly absent may be shocked to find
themselves parenting teenagers. Expect family stress if parents struggle
to catch up on years of parenting skills. (Some parents may try to
leave all parenting to the other parent, often to a female parent who
may resent this lack of partnership.)
Family members may have different ideas about internet use,
food, homework, curfews and television. While parents are unlikely to please
everyone all the time, family meetings provide ways for everybody to speak ...
and to listen.
In healthy family meetings, all family members
are respected. Children have responsibilities appropriate to their age.
Parents encourage emotional expression and individuality, and members can
freely ask for attention. Rules are made explicit, consistent, and yet flexible.
Family members are encouraged to pursue their own interests, while honoring
individual boundaries and family goals.
Better Family Meetings
- Parents can meet privately to discuss their marriage,
children, parenting beliefs and other concerns before the meeting. It is
better if the parents appear united and do not argue with or criticize each
other during family meetings.
- Parents with problems that
their partners cannot help them resolve (e.g. medical, financial, emotional
or behavioral) should consider getting
outside help - perhaps soon.
- Do the parents have appropriate knowledge on family
development and the requisite parenting skills ... or do they need coaching,
classes or books?
- Can the parents talk to (not nag or lecture) their children?
Many family challenges are normal adjustments. Parents can make
space for all family members to talk to one another about their problems, solutions,
concerns, goals and plans.
- Although family meetings are a time when everybody can talk about
their goals, needs and solutions - everybody cannot talk at the same time.
Allow each person a quiet space in which to
talk, perhaps with time limits for the talkative.
- Parents shouldn't expect their decisions to be gratefully
accepted immediately (or at all) by their families. Some decisions (e.g.
about moving to a new home) may be disliked or even hated ... and yet may be
unavoidable.
- It is usually pointless to ask children to just accept
a new reality - unless you can show the children
why and how to accept it - and the consequences of rejecting it.
- Some people consider children to be stupid because they
cannot articulate well. Help children communicate their goals and needs clearly
(e.g. I want a bigger bedroom; or I must have quiet when I do my
homework).
- Listen to your children carefully. Discuss common goals
that can help unite a family (e.g. family vacations). Listen and be willing
to adjust to help your family develop the tolerance and flexibility needed
to survive - and prosper.
- Deal with conflicts ... for example, older children may want
more time with friends while parents may want more family togetherness. How
much time does each get? How are rules decided? Who has the last word?
How can limits and boundaries be enforced?
Prevent
Learning Disabilities .
Adjustment Disorders
. Parental Alienation
We also coach parents to avooid or alleviate some
unpleasant
situations, for example:
- If a parent acts weak, children may try to
grow up too quickly
- If a parent acts like a failure, children may
respond with chronic fear
- If a parent acts like a victim, children may
respond with chronic anger
- If a parent is dead or absent, children may
respond with chronic sadness
- If parents force children to take sides,
children may respond with chronic conflict
Our individual coaching can help
parents resolve individual issues, and our couple coaching sessions
can help parents resolve partnership issues. We coach both partners
to better understand and appreciate each other's perspectives and to
make mature family decisions.
Online Parental Coaching & Family Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2010-2012 All rights reserved
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