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Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions?
Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands?
We help people untangle their lives and feel good.
There are no limits to the happiness
of quality relationships ...
... nor to the suffering inherent within
entangled relationships.
Relationship Self-Coaching
Friendship - teamwork - partnership
- parenthood - neighborhood ... no relationship runs smoothly all
the time. Different experiences, expectations, values and skills underlie
most relationship problems. And too much similarity can cause relationship
problems. We help people feel good in relationships.
Your relationships with family, friends,
colleagues or a partner can
bring love, pleasure, support and happiness into your life. Relationships
can also bring suffering, guilt and depression. You are not alone - we coach
people to solve many relationship problems, difficulties and challenges.
Some basic skills for healthy relationships are:
- You know your wishes, dreams
and your needs
- You know what people want during relationships with you
- You understand and accept
the wants and needs of other people
- You choose which wants and needs you can
fulfill in which relationships
- You explore what your partner wants and needs -
and be prepared for change
- You discuss what you each hope for ...
you define your relationship goals together
Relationship Problems
If you have a relationship problem, and solutions seem
difficult, our systemic coaching can help you. Systemic relationship coaching
can help you turn difficult relationships around. Effective coaching
can clarify poor or average relationships, and some become wonderful
experiences.
We will not try to persuade a person to
start or stay in a relationship. We coach people to better understand
each other's perspectives, and to dissolve many kinds of blocks to
happiness. We coach people to build good feelings, emotional
freedom and relationship health.
Money Problems
How do you decide about money? How do you decide how
money should be earned and spent? Who pays the bills? How much goes
to expenses, to savings, and to charity? How do you decide expensive
decisions (tuition, childcare, mortgage, car purchase)? Does everybody
control their own money or is it pooled? Must each person bring an
income? If not, how do you decide who will work?
Family Problems
You cannot demand that your partner like your
family, or make yourself like people you don't respect. You can discuss your family and your
partner's family. Who is more important? Are you or your
partner overly bonded or compliant to a parent? You can continue your intimate
relationship even if your parents disagree - and you may greatly benefit from
our relationship coaching.
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My husband never really left his parents,
and was still his mother's boy. When I tried to assert our independence, my
husband supported his mother. I thought we would divorce but you helped us both
grow up and become a real couple.
Those first years are like a bad dream now. London, UK
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Friend Problems
Do you feel you have to abandon
your friends to be with your partner? Giving up good friends to be in
partnership is asking for trouble. Don't assume that your partner will
like your friends as much as you do. You might each ask: "Which of my
friends do you enjoy and which would you rather I meet without you?"
If you try to use your opposite-sex partner as a substitute for
a same-sex friend -
expect problems! He probably doesn't want to talk about emotions over a
cup of tea, and she probably doesn't want to drink beer and watch
football!
Time Problems
Hopefully, you enjoy time with your family,
friends, colleagues partner and children. Hopefully they enjoy
time with you. And sometimes they - and you - want time alone. If you
interpret this as, "they don't care for me" or
"they do not accept, or like or love me" you will
make problems. Talk to them about what you and they need. Childish
demands for attention often drive healthy people away.
Emotional Problems
If you or an important person becomes emotional in a
crisis, talk gently and listen carefully. If you can, talk about
feelings and goals. Emotions that might be simple for you, may
be expressed intensely by other people. Knowing that you and your
partner agree on emotional issues will help relieve stress.
- If something bothers you, say it and find solutions.
- Assume positive intentions - and then check
if your assumptions are true.
- Punishing your partner may make things worse.
Discuss what you each want.
- If you feel you will never forgive your partner
for something important, get coaching.
Sexual Problems
- Let sex be the icing on your cake - not the whole
cake!
- Teach your partner how to bring you to orgasm. If
you don't know how, find out!
- A sexual affair
need not mean the end of a partnership, but it indicates problems
- Sexual dysfunction is more common than you might imagine
- seek sexual solutions
Going APE: Assimilate Problematic Experiences
This table, based on the APES model (WB Stiles, 1990)
describes natural and recognizable stages of change as people deal with
relationship crises. Effective coaching can accelerate progress through
these stages. Here is my summary of this model applied to relationships.
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Solving Problematic Relationships |
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Dissociated: People bury or repress their relationship
problems; unpleasant thoughts and feelings are silent or are rapidly silenced.
They may whine and complain endlessly. |
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1 |
Avoidance: People avoid thinking about relationship
problems. Thoughts and feelings can be very unpleasant but are scattered,
diffuse, unfocused and unclear. They may criticize and condemn
people who are not suffering as they are. |
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2 |
Emergence: People cannot describe relationship problems
clearly but feel emotional suffering or panic. They may attack and
abuse people whom they blame for their feelings. |
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3 |
Clarification: People can consider possible solutions
and can manage unpleasant thoughts, feelings and inner conflicts without panic.
They may finally seek help. |
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4 |
Understanding: People can describe problematic
relationships, their unpleasant feelings and their
pleasant surprises. They may explore realistic relationship solutions. |
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5 |
Application: People can plan solutions to relationship
problems and other life issues. They may be more optimistic about possible
outcomes. |
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6 |
Resourceful: People use their problematic experiences as
life resources. They may become generally optimistic about life. |
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7 |
Integration: People generalize solutions using the
problematic relationships as resources
for resolving other relationship or life problems. (If I can solve THAT, I
can also ...) |
Solve Relationship Problems
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If a relationship is good -
there's not much to talk about.
If a relationship is bad, there's
nothing to talk about. Common male belief |
- Be interested in and discuss how to
support each others goals.
- Money issues can cause huge conflicts. Discuss
finances and make a budget.
- Avoid criticism - discuss how you can
best tell uncomfortable truths to each other.
- Some people may feel overwhelmed by emotions -
give them space to talk about it.
Solving relationship problems
is an investment. Our coaching can turn relationships and lives around. Good
coaching can rescue bad relationships and turn average relationships into
wonderful experiences. Dissolve conflicts before they explode!
Do you want to change relationship habits
and enjoy quality relationships?
Online Coaching for Relationship Problems
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright � Martyn Carruthers
2005-2012 All rights reserved.
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