Are you Suffering from an Affair? Is your Partner having an
Affair?
See Signs of Affairs
and Recovering from Affairs
Infidelity is a dark shadow of partnership. Affairs can
provide excitement for the bored, adventure for the restless and pride
for the egotistic. Affairs also provide heartache, guilt, disappointment,
shattered dreams and damaged lives - especially
for the children of parents who have affairs.
Although this may be a difficult time for you, you
can save your sanity. Don't waste time - we help many people rebuild happy marriages. Or do you want to end an unhappy partnership peacefully?
Or do you just want to make a decision and move on?
Who has Affairs? ... People like You!
- People in mid-life crisis
- People with opportunity and time
- People who want to fulfill a transference
- People who want to punish a partner or past partner
- People with unmet physical desires or emotional needs
- People who want to diminish the intensity or intimacy
of a partnership
Are you trying to get over an affair? Coaching or counseling that does not
resolve cross-generational entanglements is unlikely to
provide lasting solutions. We can help
you find lasting solutions for partnership and marriage problems.
Perhaps you feel hurt by a partner's romantic,
intimate or sexual affair. Or perhaps you suffer guilt following your own acts
of betrayal. But the real casualties of adultery include the children who will later be found in depressed corners of society.
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Before our ancestors developed
agriculture, mankind walked on the edge of extinction. We may survive
partly because they could copulate to produce children at any time,
without a mating season. But that ancient urge is no excuse for so much
suffering. |
What Price is a Free Lunch?
Some people flirt with everybody because they don't know how
else to relate. Some people use internet chat to feel an emotional intimacy
that they lack with their partners. Some people take training in
seduction, for more casual sex. But few lunches are really free, and the costs
can be high.
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From a book with advice for dating for men
They say movies is a terrible first date because you
can't talk much, but I think that's perfect, you don’t want to know her - you just want feel her up and get some action
later.
She'll never know you faked the date....or maybe she will, but who cares -
you'll never see her again. Or if you want you can keep in touch and become
"friends with benefits" ... but be warned, women get attached after the 2nd time. |
There ain't no such things as family secrets!
Your children will feel and respond to your or your partner's romantic
or sexual affairs, usually in proportion to the length of time and emotional
intimacy of your affairs, even if they are never told. Someone you love
will pay for your free lunch.
Infidelity is a dark shadow of partnership. Affairs can
provide excitement for the bored, adventure for the restless and pride
for the egotistic. Affairs also provide heartache, guilt, disappointment,
shattered dreams and damaged lives - especially
for the children of parents who have affairs.
Mother-Son Bonds
. Fathers & Daughters
. Emotional Incest
. Psychosomatic
Types of Affairs
Probably you or your partner could have affairs.
Happy partnerships do not eliminate infidelity - and may even motivate you
(if you are entangled with a parent or past-partner)
to reduce the emotional intensity of your partnership. But affairs rarely
mature into long-term committed relationships.
If you are having an affair, you are probably
focused on your own needs. You may forget or ignore the needs of your life
partner, affair partner and any children. You may avoid considering the
consequences of your affair on your affair-partner. After all, no-one else will know ... right? See
Signs of Affairs
- Business sex (trading sex for money, promotion
or favors; including prostitution) may have the least emotional
consequences and the highest risk of venereal disease
- Brief sexual affairs and one-night-stands
rarely become love affairs or long-term friendships
- In-love affairs can be powerful and life-altering with
overwhelming emotions - and they often end in severe suffering and stress for one or
both affair partners
- Love affairs can become long friendships, although
unpleasant feelings of guilt may cause you to eventually separate from or
distance yourself from your partner or your affair partner
Men & Affairs
Men often tell us that they want affairs only for the pleasure of sex.
Men may admit or boast that they pretend to be in love to have sex with women.
(Many women have told us that men pretend to be in love as a preliminary for sex.)
Younger men usually seek sexual affairs rather than love
affairs. Their primary motivations are physical pleasure, to succeed, to impress
friends and to gain sexual experience. Older men are more likely to have
affairs with women who understand, accept and appreciate them. They may also want to
gratify sexual desires that they would not ask of a decent woman. (See
Emotional Blackmail)
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THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER! Bumper sticker seen in Hawaii
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Men who are emotionally bonded to their mothers (see
emotional incest)
are likely to have affairs to avoid or to sabotage any committed
partnership. They are also likely to boast to their
male friends about the number and variety of their sexual adventures.
(See Little Prince).
Women & Affairs
The longer a woman is married, the more likely she will have
an affair. Women choose sexual affairs for pleasure and for experience. An
affair may provide a woman with missing
emotional intimacy. A woman may have affairs to create a reserve source of
intimacy, especially if she feels bored, disappointed or uncertain about
her partnership or marriage.
We find that women are more likely to satisfy missing emotional needs
by mentally reliving past romantic affairs, or by
preoccupation with the love
lives of other people (gossip and soap operas etc).
We note that women who are emotionally bonded to their fathers (see
emotional incest) seem more likely to have
affairs and partnerships with immature older men
(see Little Princess).
Reasons for Intimate or Sexual Affairs
Do you claim that
an affair merely fulfills your needs, and helps you avoid feeling lonely or bored?
Do you say, "I want to feel good regardless of the consequences of my
choices on my partner or family - or on my affair-partner's partner or family".
You may justify affairs with: "I want ...
- excitement and adventure
- to rescue or help someone
- to seduce or to be seduced
- to avoid the reality of my aging
- to fulfill an impulse or compulsion
- to feel desirable or sexually potent
- new or unusual sexual experiences
- to distract myself from important problems
- to enjoy love, intimacy, and companionship
- to defy my social, religious or parental rules
Attacking, criticizing or defending these justifications
will not improve relationships nor resolve needs. We help people restore peace, balance ... and
rebuild love on a foundation of reality.
Sexual Abuse . Sexual Dysfunction
. Sexual Solutions
But we were so much in love...
The experience of
romantic love may seem to replace a need to develop mature partnership skills. However, sooner or later, the
problems of daily life together cause lovers to evaluate and confront their
goals, responsibilities and transferences. Then they can create deeper bonds, or stagnate, or separate.
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I had affairs
because ... my partner was too good to throw away,
but not good enough to love! BC, Canada |
Predictable Partnership
. Enjoying
Partnership . Consequences of Abortion
|
We both had an affair
... we thought it was better to have four happy people
than two unhappy people! But we
separated anyway. NB, Canada |
Affairs, Separation & Divorce
People who have
affairs are more likely to divorce.
-
People who divorce once are more likely
to divorce again.
Some
people say that affairs helped them survive marriage.
Women who have multiple affairs have the highest divorce rates.
If a male partner has a
homosexual affair with a man - a woman usually wants
separation.
If a female partner has a lesbian affair
with a woman - a man may not perceive this as betrayal.
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Women may give sex to get
love and men may give love to get sex! |
Couple Coaching
& Testimonial . Recovering from an Affair
Stable, happy partnership results from partners who know
and respect each other's values and needs; and cooperate to fulfill those
values and needs. We help partners solve
problems and develop skills.
Predictable Partnership
. Enjoy
Partnership . Evaluate Partnership .
Partnership Breakdown
Do you want to
benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2010 All rights reserved
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