Are you Recovering from an Affair?
Do you want to rebuild a committed happy partnership?
Or do you want to end an unhappy partnership peacefully
Or do you just want to make up your mind?
|
Affair: an intimate or sexual relationship
between people not committed to each other
Crisis: a period of
uncertainty in which disaster or breakdown can be avoided or accelerated |
Systemic
Coaching: solutions for emotional and relationship issues, to change relationship habits
Couple Coaching: simultaneous coaching
to help partners coach, nurture and love each other |
Who has Affairs? People like you!
- People with opportunity and time
- People who want to fulfill a transference
- People who want to punish a partner or past partner
- People with unmet physical desires or emotional needs
- People who want to diminish the intensity or intimacy
of a partnership
Is your partner having an affair? See
Signs of Affairs
Are you trying to get over an affair? Coaching or counseling that does not
resolve cross-generational entanglements,
transferences,
identity loss and
emotional incest is unlikely to
provide you with long-term solutions. Our relationship coaching can help
you dissolve partnership and marriage problems.
Perhaps you feel emotionally hurt by your partner's romantic,
intimate or sexual affairs. Or perhaps you suffer guilt following your own acts
of betrayal. Yet the casualties of adultery are not only betrayed spouses - the
casualties include children who will later be found in depressed corners of society.
|
Before our ancestors developed
agriculture, mankind walked on the edge of extinction for millions
of years. We may survive now because they could copulate and produce children in any
moment, without a mating season. Perhaps we still carry that ancient urge. |
What Price is your Free Lunch?
Some people use internet chat to create an emotional
intimacy that they avoid with their life-partners. Some men
take training in hypnosis, NLP and seduction, to seduce women for casual
sex. But few lunches are really free, and the costs may be higher
than you expect.
"There ain't no such thing as a family secret!"
Your children will feel and respond to your or your partner's romantic
or sexual affairs, usually in proportion to the length of time and emotional
intimacy of your affairs, even if they are never told. Someone you love
will pay for your free lunch. One possible result is childhood ADD and ADHD.
Another is chronic pr psychosomatic disease symptoms.
Infidelity is a dark shadow of partnership. Affairs can
provide excitement for the bored, adventure for the restless and pride
for the egotistic. Affairs also provide heartache, guilt, disappointment,
shattered dreams and damaged relationships - especially
for the children of partners who have affairs.
[
Mother-Son
Bonds ] [
Fathers & Daughters ]
[ Emotional Incest ]
[ Psychosomatic ]
Types of Affairs
Probably you could have affairs.
Happy partnerships do not eliminate the possibility of infidelity - and may
even motivate you (if you are entangled
with a parent or past-partner) to reduce the emotional intensity of your
partnership. Affairs, even passionate affairs, rarely
mature into long-term relationships.
|
You may manifest your repressed emotions and sexual needs as
a fascination with or a desire to observe and / or control the sexuality of other people.
|
If you are having an affair, you are probably
focused on your own needs. You may forget or ignore the needs of your life
partner, affair partner and any children. And you may avoid thinking about the
consequences of your affair. After all, no-one else will know ... right? See
Signs of Affairs
- Business sex (trading sex for money, promotion
or favors; including prostitution) may have the least emotional
consequences and the highest risk of venereal disease
- Sexual affairs and one-night-stands are usually short-term
and rarely become love affairs or long-term friendships
- In-love affairs can be powerful and life-altering with
overwhelming emotions - and they often end in severe suffering and stress for one or
both partners
- Love affairs can become long friendships, although guilt may
motivate you to separate from or distance yourself from your affair partner
Men & Affairs
Men often want casual sex for the pleasure of sex. Men
may admit or boast that they pretend to be in love to have sex
with women. (Many women say that men pretend love as a preliminary for sex.)
Younger men usually seek sexual affairs rather than love affairs.
Their primary motivations are physical pleasure, to succeed, to impress
friends and/or to gain sexual experience. Older men are more likely to have
affairs with women who understand, accept and appreciate them. They may want to
gratify sexual desires that they would not ask of a decent woman.
Men who are emotionally bonded to their mothers (see
emotional incest)
are likely to have affairs to avoid or to sabotage a committed
partnership. They are also likely to boast to their (mother-bonded)
male friends about the number and variety of their sexual adventures.
(See The Little Prince).
Women & Affairs
The longer a woman is married, the more likely she will have
an affair. Women choose sexual affairs for pleasure and for experience. An
affair may provide a woman with missing
emotional intimacy. A woman may have affairs to create a reserve source of
intimacy, especially if she feels bored, disappointed or uncertain about
her partnership or marriage.
A woman is more likely to satisfy missing emotional needs in a partnership by
mentally reliving past romantic affairs, or by preoccupation with the love
lives of other people (gossip and soap operas etc).
Women who are emotionally bonded to their fathers (see
emotional incest) are likely to have
affairs with older men who are bonded to their mothers
(see Daddy's Little Princess).
Reasons for Intimate or Sexual Affairs
You may say that
one or more affairs merely fulfill your needs, and help you avoid feeling lonely or bored.
You may imply, "I want to feel good regardless of the consequences of my
choices on my partner or family - or on my affair-partner's partner or family".
|
Some people
in authority
manifest their repressed relationship bonds or emotional
incest as public attacks on people who do what they hide, fantasize or dream
about.
(Many people who say they "never would ..." - still do)
|
You may justify affairs with: "I want ...
- excitement and adventure
- to seduce or be seduced
- to rescue or help someone
- to avoid the reality of my aging
- new or unusual sexual experiences
- to feel desirable or sexually potent
- to fulfill an impulse or compulsion
- to defy my social, religious or parental rules
- to enjoy love, intimacy, and companionship
- to enjoy sensual pleasure and sexual release
Attacking, criticizing or defending these
justifications will not improve relationships
nor resolve partnership needs. Our systemic coaching can
help restore peace, balance ... and love.
[ Sexual Abuse ]
[ Sexual Dysfunction
] [ Sexual Solutions
]
But we were so much in love...
The experience of
romantic love may seem to replace any need to develop physical,
emotional and spiritual partnership skills. However, sooner or later, lovers
will confront their responsibilities and transferences. Then they can either
create deeper bonds, or stagnate, or separate.
|
I had affairs
because ... my partner was too good to throw away, but not good enough
to keep! EC Comox, BC, Canada |
[
Predictable Partnership
] [ Enjoying
Partnership ] [ Consequences of Abortion ]
|
We both had affairs
... it was better to have four happy people than two unhappy people! But we
got divorced anyway. OMM, Glasgow, Scotland |
Affairs & Divorce
Affairs endanger marriage, although some
people say that affairs helps them survive marriage. Divorce is more common among people who have
affairs. Women who have multiple affairs, especially
if her affairs start early in a marriage, have the highest divorce rates. For a woman, if a male partner has a
homosexual affair with another man - there may seem absolutely no alternative to
separation. For a man, if a female partner has a lesbian affair
with another woman - this may not be perceived as betrayal. He may even want
to join them.
|
Women may give sex to get
love and men may give love to get sex! |
Affairs & Recovery
Romantic or sexual affairs can control emotions resulting from
suppressed or unmet needs. A first step to recovery and happy relationships is
relationship diagnosis. Our systemic coaching explores if you:
- avoid communicating your agendas, values and needs
(partnership skills)
- obsess about some other person (entanglements)
- carry guilt or depression from previous relationships
(entanglements)
- experience ongoing conflict (complex
conflict)
- express your lost "sense of self" (lost
identity)
- identify with someone else (identification)
- identify with two people (identity conflict)
- express toxic or resourceless "I am ..." beliefs
(relationship bonds)
- express trauma and overwhelming emotions (trauma)
- follow toxic role models or post-hypnotic suggestion
(mentor damage)
One or both partners may use
complaints and excuses to justify deception and betrayal.
Coaching after Affairs
Romantic affairs have strong emotional consequences, which may
be delayed until an affair is over.
- Blame: Following exposure, the partners may
energetically and uselessly argue about topics such as "Who really
caused this?" or "Why did you make me do it!"
- Denial: Many people who choose sexual affairs
will deny and lie about their actions if the truth may bring immediate
unpleasant consequences.
- Grief: The suffering of betrayal, broken dreams
and shattered love may be overwhelming to the betrayed person. Suicide
attempts may follow a romantic affair.
- Guilt: The betraying partner, the betrayed
partner and the "third person" carry burdens of guilt. This guilt
may be immediate or delayed. Hidden guilt can manifest as anxiety,
depression,
hypochondria and psychosomatic disease.
Following a partnership crisis, it may seem impossible for the
partners to avoid overwhelming emotions and childish behavior. Our
coaching can make space for and referee desperately needed discussions and clarification.
We normally offer:
- Individual coaching with both partners
to clarify entanglements and
bonds
- Couple coaching with both partners
to identify and resolve transferences
- Couple coaching with both partners to make decisions and
plan the future
[ Couple Coaching
Flowchart & Testimonial ]
Healing Partnership after Affairs
Romantic affairs often last for about two years.
Short-term solutions that attempt to fix and forget the surface symptoms of
affairs may not resolve or even expose the underlying entanglements.
Our systemic coaching can heal entanglements and emotional bonds, and
dissolve relationship damage.
Effective and
joyous partnership results from partners
know and respect each other's values and needs; and by cooperating to
fulfill those needs. Our relationship coaching can provide
partnership skills and coaches people to end relationship damage and deal with affairs.
You are not alone.
[
Predictable Partnership
] [ Enjoy
Partnership ] [ Evaluate Partnership ]
We welcome friendly people who are emotionally
stable. Do you want to coach people to gain clarity, dissolve emotional and
relationship blocks to success, and find their own sense of life? Do you want to
help people build and maintain quality relationships? Contact us.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2008 All rights reserved. |
Training Partners :
Relationship Coaching
: Coach Training
: Specialty Training :
Corporate :
FAQ
or telephone: +4 860 275 8295 or +38 591 881 2682