Are you Suffering from an Affair? Is your Partner having an
Affair?
See Signs of Affairs
and Recovering from Affairs
Infidelity is a dark shadow of partnership. Affairs can
provide excitement for the bored, adventure for the restless and pride
for the egotistic. Affairs also provide heartache, guilt, disappointment,
shattered dreams and damaged lives - especially
for the children of parents who have affairs.
Although this may be a difficult time for you, we can
help you save your sanity.
Don't waste time - we help many people rebuild happy marriages.
Or do you want to end an unhappy partnership peacefully?
Or do you just want to make a decision and move on?
- Are you considering or have started divorce?
- Are you separated and have little contact with
your spouse?
- Is your partnership is in trouble and you want a
better relationship?
- Do you often argue about sex, money, parenting,
free time, religion etc?
- Do you and your partner live together but you
feel emotionally disconnected?
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Affair: an intimate or sexual relationship
between people not committed to each other
Crisis: a period of
uncertainty in which disaster or breakdown can be avoided or accelerated |
Systemic Coaching: solutions for emotional and relationship issues, to
change relationship habits
Couple Coaching: simultaneous coaching
to help partners coach, nurture and love each other |
Who has Affairs? ... People like You!
- People in mid-life crisis
- People with opportunity and time
- People who want to fulfill a transference
- People who want to punish a partner or past partner
- People with unmet physical desires or emotional needs
- People who want to diminish the intensity or intimacy
of a partnership
Are you trying to get over an affair? Coaching or counseling that does not
resolve cross-generational entanglements,
transferences,
identity loss and
emotional incest is unlikely to
provide long-term solutions. Our unique systemic coaching can help
you find lasting solutions for partnership and marriage problems.
Perhaps you feel emotionally hurt by your partner's romantic,
intimate or sexual affairs. Or perhaps you suffer guilt following your own acts
of betrayal. Yet the casualties of adultery are not only betrayed spouses - the
casualties include the children who will later be found in depressed corners of society.
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Before our ancestors developed
agriculture, mankind walked on the edge of extinction. We may survive
partly because they could copulate to produce children in almost any moment,
without a mating season. But that ancient urge is no excuse for so much
suffering. |
What Price is a Free Lunch?
Some people flirt with everybody because they don't know how
else to relate. Some people use internet chat to feel an emotional intimacy
that they lack with their partners. Some people take training in hypnosis, NLP and
seduction, to increase casual sex. But few lunches are really free, and the costs
are higher than people expect.
|
From a book about dating for men
Do something lame like a movie if you
have to, nothing special. They say movies is a terrible first date because you
can't talk much, but I think that's perfect, you don’t want to know the
bitch - you just want feel her up and get some action
afterward.
Hit it and quit it. She'll never know you faked the
date....or maybe she will, but who gives a shit - you'll never see her again. Or if
you want you can keep in touch and become "friends with
benefits" or fuck buddies, but be warned, women get attached after the 2nd time. |
There ain't no such things as family secrets!
Your children will feel and respond to your or your partner's romantic
or sexual affairs, usually in proportion to the length of time and emotional
intimacy of your affairs, even if they are never told. Someone you love
will pay for your free lunch. One possible result is childhood
ADD and ADHD.
Another is chronic psychosomatic symptoms.
Infidelity is a dark shadow of partnership. Affairs can
provide excitement for the bored, adventure for the restless and pride
for the egotistic. Affairs also provide heartache, guilt, disappointment,
shattered dreams and damaged lives - especially
for the children of parents who have affairs.
Mother-Son Bonds
. Fathers & Daughters
. Emotional Incest
. Psychosomatic
Types of Affairs
Probably you or your partner could have affairs.
Happy partnerships do not eliminate infidelity - and may even motivate you
(if you are entangled with a parent or past-partner)
to reduce the emotional intensity of your partnership. But affairs rarely
mature into long-term committed relationships.
|
Some people manifest their repressed emotions
and sexuality as an obsession to observe and / or a compulsion to control the
sexuality of other people.
|
If you are having an affair, you are probably
focusing on your own needs. You may forget or ignore the needs of your life
partner, affair partner and any children. You may avoid considering the
consequences of your affair on your affair-partner. After all, no-one else will know ... right? See
Signs of Affairs
- Business sex (trading sex for money, promotion
or favors; including prostitution) may have the least emotional
consequences and the highest risk of venereal disease
- Brief sexual affairs and one-night-stands
rarely become love affairs or long-term friendships
- In-love affairs can be powerful and life-altering with
overwhelming emotions - and they often end in severe suffering and stress for one or
both affair partners
- Love affairs can become long friendships, although
unpleasant feelings of guilt may cause you to eventually separate from or
distance yourself from your affair partner
Men & Affairs
Men often tell us that they want casual sex for the pleasure of sex.
Men may admit or boast that they pretend to be in love to have sex with women.
(Many women have told us that men pretend to be in love as a preliminary for sex.)
Younger men usually seek sexual affairs rather than love
affairs. Their primary motivations are physical pleasure, to succeed, to impress
friends and to gain sexual experience. Older men are more likely to have
affairs with women who understand, accept and appreciate them. They may also want to
gratify sexual desires that they would not ask of a decent woman. (See
Emotional Blackmail)
|
THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER! Bumper sticker seen in Hawaii
|
Men who are emotionally bonded to their mothers (see
emotional incest)
are likely to have affairs to avoid or to sabotage any committed
partnership. They are also likely to boast to their
male friends about the number and variety of their sexual adventures.
(See Little Prince).
Women & Affairs
The longer a woman is married, the more likely she will have
an affair. Women choose sexual affairs for pleasure and for experience. An
affair may provide a woman with missing
emotional intimacy. A woman may have affairs to create a reserve source of
intimacy, especially if she feels bored, disappointed or uncertain about
her partnership or marriage.
We find that women are more likely to satisfy missing emotional needs
in a partnership by mentally reliving past romantic affairs, or by
preoccupation with the love
lives of other people (gossip and soap operas etc).
We also note that women who are emotionally bonded to their fathers (see
emotional incest) seem much more likely to have
affairs and partnerships with immature older men
(see Little Princess).
Affairs page divide here ...
Reasons for Intimate or Sexual Affairs
Do you claim that
an affair merely fulfills your needs, and helps you avoid feeling lonely or bored?
Do you imply, "I want to feel good regardless of the consequences of my
choices on my partner or family - or on my affair-partner's partner or family".
You may justify affairs with: "I want ...
- to feel alive
- excitement and adventure
- to rescue or help someone
- to seduce or to be seduced
- to avoid the reality of my aging
- to fulfill an impulse or compulsion
- to feel desirable or sexually potent
- new or unusual sexual experiences
- to distract myself from important problems
- to enjoy love, intimacy, and companionship
- to defy my social, religious or parental rules
- to enjoy sensual pleasure and sexual release
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Many people who say they "never would ..." still do!
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Attacking, criticizing or defending these justifications
will not improve relationships nor resolve partnership needs. We help people restore peace, balance ... and
rebuild love on a foundation of reality.
Sexual Abuse . Sexual Dysfunction
. Sexual Solutions
But we were so much in love...
The heady experience of
romantic love may seem to replace any need to develop physical,
emotional and spiritual partnership skills. However, sooner or later, the
problems of daily life together will cause lovers to evaluate and confront their
goals, responsibilities and transferences. Then they can create deeper bonds, or stagnate, or separate.
|
I had affairs
because ... my partner was too good to throw away,
but not good enough to keep! BC, Canada |
Predictable Partnership
. Enjoying
Partnership . Consequences of Abortion
|
We both had an affair
... we thought it was better to have four happy people
than two unhappy people! But we
separated anyway. NB, Canada |
Affairs, Separation & Divorce
People who have
affairs are more likely to separate and divorce. -
People who have divorced once are more likely
to divorce again.
Affairs endanger marriage, although some
people say that affairs help them survive marriage. Women who have multiple affairs, especially
if her affairs start soon after marriage, have the highest divorce rates. For a woman, if a male partner has a
homosexual affair with another man - there may seem no alternative to
separation. For a man, if a female partner has a lesbian affair
with another woman - a man may not perceive this as betrayal. He may even want
to join them.
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Women may give sex to get
love and men may give love to get sex! |
Couple Coaching
& Testimonial . Recovering from an Affair
We coach many people to end deception and
live with integrity!
Effective and joyous partnership results from partners who know
and respect each other's values and needs; and cooperate to fulfill those
values needs. We help partners stop hurting each other ... and themselves, solve
basic partnership problems and develop partnership skills.
Predictable Partnership
. Enjoy
Partnership . Evaluate Partnership .
Partnership Breakdown
Do you want to
benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2010 All rights reserved
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