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Marriage problems will increase as women choose to be complete human
beings. Traditional marriages may not be big enough for two complete people. We help couples
develop
mature partnership skills and we mentor helping professionals to resolve
partnership issues..
Marriage, Happiness and Heartbreak
Do you think that marriage will make you happy? Sorry ...
marriage will only make you married. Every marriage is a team of two
people with different skills, values, histories and expectations. Do you dream
of an easy relationship? Do you think that partnership might be easier or more
enjoyable if you didn't have to communicate or if you were both telepathic?
Think again - carefully.
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To husband means to conserve and protect resources.
Wife is an old Saxon word for woman. |
Real partners have real partnership problems. Again and
again I find that if partners are not solving partnership problems -
they are probably having a
relationship of convenience, some sort of romantic affair or ... someone is hiding something.
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My boyfriend said, "Why marry a cow
when you can get the milk for free?"
I asked him, "Why marry a whole pig for a sausage?"
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Healthy partners can communicate their wishes,
demands, complaints, compliments and enthusiasm. Healthy partners can listen effectively - and
healthy partners can strive to understand
all this information. Healthy partnership may contradict childish ideas that
partnership is easy.
- Do you want to make quality decisions based on
facts?
- Do you want to know how happy relationships really work?
- Do you make important decisions based on lies,
distortions and myths?
- Do you expect that everything would be wonderful if you
could only find a soul mate?
Coaching Partnership Skills
Our coaching, whether individual, premarital or couple
coaching, helps people know who they are, their
needs and their reasons for committing to partnership. And then we can help
people
know nearly as much about their partners.
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Two people, under the influence of the
most violent, insane, delusive and transient of passions,
are required to swear that they will remain in that excited,
abnormal and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
George Bernard Shaw |
We encourage partners to define and communicate
their needs, values, interests, hopes and intentions. We help people
build partnerships in which they can express themselves, take
responsibility for themselves and their needs, and increase intimacy
through mature support and sharing.
Your Partnership
We can help you define and express your values,
hopes, aspirations and needs. We encourage you to think, feel and choose. We can focus on
your commitment, equality (people can only
be intimate if they are equal) sharing, support, affection and
sharing feelings, pleasure, fun, respect and skills.
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Whether you marry, or not,
you may regret it. Socrates, Greece |
We will not define these issues for you. We coach partners
to define for each other what they mean by commitment, equality, support
and respect etc. We can encourage you to explore your attitudes, expectations
and needs.
We promote the skills of communication,
expressing feelings, negotiating change and decision making, which enable
couples to adjust and be flexible to each other and achieve the friendship,
companionship and loyalty that form a basis for a lasting partnership. We can
encourage you to excel at being partners before you become parents.
Our coaching can help you accept and change your life - from your family of
origin, through school and employment, through partnership and parenthood. We
can coach you to choose and live with a healthy partner, decide when to start a
family, manage a home and raise children to independence.
But that's not the end. Are you really prepared for children?
For adolescent teenagers? Are you ready to be grandparents?
At each partnership step you have to change gears. A happy
marriage is not luck, marriage is about communication. When you build
the skills to make love last, you gain sense of life.
Coaching & Partnership Crisis
1. Criticism
Do you attack your partner's personality or behavior? Do you
say things like, "You never do anything right." Criticism can
easily escalate into a vicious circle of blaming and excuses. See
Breakdown
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My husband is immature. He denies it and
accuses me of acting like his mother ...
I do mother him when he acts so childish and
dependent,
but it's his own fault. Sydney, Australia |
Strategy: Describe how you feel about specific situations.
For example, "I feel angry when you come home late." This can
be a healthy way to be honest about your emotions, instead of a personal
attack. And perhaps then ask "What ideas do you have that may help me control
my anger?"
2. Contempt
Do you communicate things like "You are inept, foolish,
detestable?" Sarcasm, name-calling, and mockery are examples.
(Contempt differs from criticism in that you want to insult and abuse.)
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My wife has her own business but she makes
mistakes. Whenever I tell her how things must be done, she gets angry and
defensive. I asked her to contact you, but she won't. ... she's too stubborn and
pig-headed ... Cardiff, Wales |
Strategy: Stop blaming; use "I feel ... when ..."
statements. Beware of criticizing; instead make direct and
specific requests; don't insult, mock, or use sarcasm. Find out what's going on -
peacefully.
3. Denial
Do you deny responsibility? Do you upset your partner - and then make
childish excuses,
perhaps saying, "It
wasn't my fault" or "I was only joking"? Your excuses
tend to make the hurt worse. They may communicate that you don't care enough or
trust enough to tell your truth.
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My husband accused me of depressing his
life. He even blamed me for things that happened before we met. I didn't stop
him going to university. I didn't make him join the military. But he stopped
blaming me after a few sessions with you. Miami, Florida |
Strategy: Acknowledge and validate your partner's qualities.
Although this may be difficult if you feel bad, you can find and describe some
goodness. The more you acknowledge your partner, the more it becomes natural. List what attracted
you to your partner and read your list. Who has changed?
4. Dissociation & Withdrawal
When a discussion becomes emotional or intense, one of you may
stop participating. Although this shutting down may be protective, it can signal
disapproval or superiority to a partner. (Men seem to more often dissociate and
withdraw than women.)
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When I came home from work my wife just
didn't stop talking. I love her, but I could only listen for a few minutes, and
then I sort of floated away. Then she was angry that I wasn't paying attention.
Since your couple coaching, she says less and I listen better and we mostly talk
about things that we both find interesting. Calgary, Canada |
Strategy: Take time to cool down if a discussion becomes
unpleasantly emotional. Explain that you need to calm down, take some deep breaths and soothe yourself.
Listen to music, leave the room, walk, write or exercise. Then - talk about your
feelings! If you don't, you may lose trust and respect!
Relationship Coaching & Religious Education
Religious education often emphasizes the sacredness of
marriage, imposing moralistic values and burdens of guilt. Religious education and
our relationship coaching have different goals. We focus on practical steps to
build harmony and the skills needed to enjoy lasting
happiness.
We coach people to enliven their
partnership or renew their marriage;
dissolve emotional blocks, become emotionally mature and enjoy better relationships.
Online Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2005-2012 All rights reserved.
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