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Summary

Signs of Romantic & Intimate Affairs
Is Your Partner Cheating? © Martyn Carruthers

Online Coaching - Recover after an Affair

People change when they're having affairs. Your partner may start exercising, become less courteous, work late too often, or take unpaid business trips. This doesn't mean that your partner is
unfaithful or betraying you, but alerts you that something strange may be happening.
Learn to recognize some common signs of betrayal!

See: Affairs and Infidelity . Confronting Your Partner . Recovering from Affairs

If you are concerned, the best choice is usually to ask your partner directly.
You may not get the raw truth ... but you will probably get a lot of information.

Are you the last one to know?

The telephone rings - and the caller hangs up when you speak. At first you hardly notice but after a few times you may feel that something is wrong. Is it possible that your beloved is cheating on you? Could your partner be hiding a romance or affair? Is your spouse really working evenings and weekends?

You don't want to seem paranoid without evidence, and you can open your eyes and notice if there are signs of affairs. While you may refuse to see details that you don't want to notice, you probably don't want to be the last one to know. (And even if you are - we can help you deal with it.)

Is Your Partner is Having an Affair?

Most people having intimate or sexual affairs try to hide them. But regardless of how well adulterers think they are concealing it...their behavior does change. There are many signs ... and some are paradoxical and confusing.

The three most common signs may be:

1. Your partner works late often - without any raise in pay or other benefits.
2. Your partner dresses smarter than usual, and hurries away for appointments.
3. Your partner is often distracted or absent, and doesn't ask about your activities.

Any of these signs may indicate other things (perhaps concern about work or worry about a relative). But there are many more warning signals. If a number of these affair signs occur together ... check it out! It's probably better that you know know sooner rather than later.

What you do about it is another matter ... and maybe we can help you.

Anyway, the signs, your partner may:

1. buy new clothes
2. be late more often
3. talk about separation
4. work unpaid overtime
5. fight about trivial things
6. accuse you of cheating
7. want space / time apart
8. be away from home often
9. take longer and longer walks
10. keep an overnight bag at work
11. distance self from the children
12. behave generally uncomfortable
13. want a private checking account
14. avoid discussing responsibilities
15. become very critical and blaming
16. become withdrawn and depressed
17. want you to go for weekends alone
18. lose interest in partnership projects
19. begin to support concept of abortion
20. seem aggressive and easily irritated
21. have more reasons to leave the home
22. defend people who are getting divorced
23. suddenly like different clothes or music
24. complain about mistakes in distant past
25. become private and stop confiding in you
26. take time off from work without telling you
27. change attitude towards family and friends
28. lose interest in home chores and activities
29. forget the good times you enjoyed together
30. become more concerned about appearance
31. whisper on the telephone or hang up quickly
32. open a cell phone account billed to the office
33. spend time with people going through divorce
34. become accusing, asking if you are unfaithful
35. go for short walks and come home hours later
36. deposit less money in your joint bank account
37. start exercising, working out and losing weight
38. want the children to like an opposite sex friend
39. quote a good friend of the opposite sex too often
40. record your time with the kids (for a custody hearing?)

Sexual signs of affairs can be confusing. Your partner may:

1. stop wanting sex
2. want sex but not foreplay
3. want more sex, more often
4. want new or different sexual positions
5. leave contraceptives in unexpected places

Are your partner's friends acting strangely toward you? Do they seem uncomfortable with you? Do they act as if you have a disease that they might catch? Do they hint that something is not right ... without being candid? (Later, they may say that they tried to tell you - but you just wouldn't listen.)

Nonverbal Signs of Lies

Our coaching includes recognizing and responding to non-verbal communications (body language). People who tell lies, unless they have had a LOT of practice, often feel stressed and signal this stress with their body movements.

Generally, avoid calling someone a liar - it is better to ask for more and more details and observe:

1. Fidgeting
2. Facial asymmetry
3. Sweating and blushing
4. Feet tapping and leg jerks
5. Complete immobility of hands and arms
6. Side to side eye movements (shifty eyed)

What can you do?

This is a delicate time. You may be wrong - and even if you're right, an affair need not mean the end of partnership. Affairs can be passionate and romantic; and they can be destructive and hurtful, often both. Many people having affairs become passive aggressive ... afraid of their own emotions.

Probably, you cannot make your partner change - and you can change yourself! Instead of blaming your partner, review your own behavior. What are you doing - or not doing - that you can change? Is your partnership important enough that you want to change? If yes - we can help you!

What do you really want? Stability? Power? Success? Community approval? For your children to have two loving parents? Know why you want to continue partnership with your partner. Do you want to be with this partner more than you want to leave? Why do you want to stay with this person?

You have more chance of recreating a happy partnership if you can accept that part of the reason for your partner's infidelity may be you. How do you show love? How do you expect love to be shown? We coach partners how to express and receive love! While we think that coaching is better before than after an affair, most people seem to wait until they have suffered before they improve their partnership skills.

Heal your Partnership after an Affair

Romantic affairs (not one night stands or dirty weekends) often last for a few months to a few years. Short-term solutions to fix and forget affairs may not resolve transferences or expose underlying entanglements. We can help you heal emotional entanglements and rebuild lasting happiness with our online coaching. Or we can coach you both to disentangle and separate peacefully.

Affairs need not destroy a partnership, although we continually find that guilt, recriminations and transferences can tear couples apart. We help many couples who are ready to separate or divorce to learn from their relationship experiences, and begin wonderful new partnerships together.

Happy Partnership after an Affair?

It can be better than you might imagine. We help people heal their broken hearts and restore their lives. We help couples find themselves and each other as a basis for a new relationship together - based on being real people - not on entanglements, transferences or romantic fantasies.

Predictable Partnership . Enjoy Partnership . Evaluate Partnership . Partnership Breakdown

Effective and joyous partnership can result when partners know and respect each other's values and needs; and cooperate to fulfill the needs of the whole family. We help people improve their partnership skills, heal damaged relationships and resolve the consequences of affairs.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2011 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks, improve relationships and achieve goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... ask for permission to post, publish or teach this work.