|
Do you take drugs instead of improving
relationships? Drugs are easier than applying intelligence, focus and analytical
skills. Drugs are cheaper for patients (in the short term) and more profitable
for health professionals than resolving your relationship issues. Do you want
more than drugs?
It is unwise to ponder personal
identity issues while driving or operating machinery ...
Most of us live in cultures that ignore emotional responses.
Our competitive society rewards both achievement and lack of emotions. Many of
us are encouraged to not-feel!
Some people seem totally dissociated from their emotions. They
may
appear normal, and are often very intelligent, yet they seem insincere and shallow to
people who want to talk about feelings. Dissociated people may say that they
empty - but under the emptiness is often grief, fear, anger and
unworthiness.
Questioning the emptiness can disturb dissociated people. They
usually prefer to avoid their feelings - which they often call irrational,
stupid and childish.
We find that it is difficult to help dissociated people regain
identity, and as incomplete coaching may cause mentor damage,
we are rather careful about coaching people with these symptoms. We need
assurance that they will follow through - even though the person will deal with
disturbing emotions.
Identity Loss, Dissociation & Dissociative Disorders
We find that abused children may avoid feeling anger, sadness
and anxiety by dissociating, which, while lowering the possibility of insanity,
can inhibit life. If the dissociated self remains
dissociated, this identity loss may impair thinking, inhibit memory and
limit flexibility.
Dissociative disorder refers to behavior patterns typical of
people who repress traumatic or abusive memories that are associated with
unpleasant emotions and relationships.
[Include some psychobiology of cerebral cortex - hind-brain
communication here].
Few people with identity loss or dissociative disorders can
define their goals; and endless
encouragement or goalwork may not help them. The
best goals they can provide are often abstract or incongruent (often stated as
vague abstract complaints e.g. I don't want to feel so empty all the time! People with identity
loss often sabotage their own goals.
|
I used to be full of life and had lots
of energy, but since my divorce I feel totally empty ... I am 41 ...
I am diagnosed with
chronic fatigue ... but it's more like a huge part of me
is missing. All I do is watch television. Please help me! Leeds, UK |
Identity loss refers to a
loss of self. Many people, following trauma,
abuse, membership in cult-like
organizations, or incompetent therapy, appear to lose access to some of
their human qualities. These qualities are often replaced with unpleasant
emotional reactions, compulsive behavior and confusing communication. People
with identity loss usually express few emotions and little personality.
|
I felt hollow, like I could
disappear. The only thing that gave me comfort was sleep. I just
wanted me back. Nothing gave me real pleasure. I just wanted to
cry. People thought I was going crazy ... and then your wonderful
coaching ... now I am back Miami, USA |
When helping people resolve identity loss, we may:
- Offer exploration: “This is only a
start...”
- Offer systemic coaching: if we know we can complete coaching
- Use metaphors: we may offer solutions embedded within
isomorphic metaphors
As it is not easy to work with dissociated people, and as incomplete
coaching may cause mentor damage, we
are careful about coaching people who appear to have lost their personal
identity. We need assurance that they will follow through - even though the
person will deal with disturbing emotions.
Extreme cases of identity loss may be called nervous breakdown
or emotional breakdown. Many people become frustrated, angry and
anxious, and later dull and empty, devoid of anything except irritation and
perhaps boredom. A rich sense of life may be replaced by a desire for
distraction.
- Lost Identity - cannot describe feelings or
express own values - dissociated -
expresses few goals and little sense of self
- Relationship Bonds
- feels unpleasantly bonded
to someone, yet cannot leave. Shows obsessions, compulsions and strong limiting beliefs
- Identifications
- attempts to live another person's life, shows chronic irrational emotions
- Identity Conflict
- behavior swings between two extreme moods (may be
bipolar)
Following trauma,
abuse, therapist damage
or membership in cult-like
organizations, people may lose access to some of their
human qualities. This loss or dissociation may accompany or follow stress or
distress at home or at work. The resulting identity loss and
bonded relationships may be existential (all of
life) or contextual (only in some part of life).
Depression is common if life lacks sense.
|
We describe Identity Loss as an
inability to access emotions and qualities that are central to
a sense of self and sense of life. This loss often follows abuse or
relationship distress and manifests as chronic dissociation or the
chronic expression of inappropriate emotions. |
Many people show at least one of the common symptoms of
identity loss. If the lost qualities represent a significant
part of a person's identity, the symptoms of identity loss are easier
to recognize.
A few people become desperate, and may harm themselves or
others. Such people may feel armored, invulnerable and emotionless. A search
for sense of life is replaced by fantasies. Our
private sessions and professional training can help most people regain access
to their sense of life.
We train people to recognize, resolve and prevent identity
loss, and solutions for common identifications resulting in
chronic anger (identification with a victim),
chronic sadness (identification with a dead person)
and chronic anxiety (identification with a hero).
Dissociation & New Age Techniques
Dissociating is easy, and many so-called therapies and
New Age techniques specialize in dissociation. Have you been advised to clear
your emotions, to throw your self-talk into the sun, to destroy your ego, to
leave your intellect behind you? Have you asked some esoteric
entity to take your thoughts or feelings away? The consequences of
such cures can be worse than the symptoms ...
Dissociation is simple - but the consequences often include
a loss of identity. Repeated dissociation may result in long-term
identity loss; which is often followed by addictive and obsessive
behavior, and membership in cult-like organizations, as people strive to feel
human and connected again.
Our private sessions and professional training includes how
to recognize, resolve and prevent identity loss; and how to coach people
with symptoms of identity loss
to find lasting solutions. We coach people to find themselves again. We help
people learn from their past to create a future. We coach people to resolve
emotions - and clarify the relationships in which those emotions were created.
|
Recovering identity loss
includes recovering your feelings and emotions that were dissociated
during stress or suggestion. As you accept and resolve your
unpleasant feelings, your emotions become wonderful
resources for your integrated personality.
For us, there's no such thing as a bad feeling or a negative emotion!
|
Systemic Diagnosis of Identity Loss
We help people assess and change emotions, trauma,
conflict, relationships and consequences. We can help you understand why you do
things you don't want to do - and help you change those behaviors. We can help
you change ... quickly.
In our work, identification
refers to the unconscious acceptance (under stress) of a dominant
personality. Lost identity refers to chronic highly
dissociated behavior (consider a stereotype mathematics professor engaged in
solving a complex problem) and Identity Conflict
refers to chronic bipolar behavior
or mood swings (think of "split personality").
We use the phrase relationship
bond to refer to a limiting emotion/belief/behavior schema by
which a person compensates for perceived injustice. But taboo bonds
cannot be rationalized (consider people who have told you,
"I don't know why I keep doing this"), for example, many
taboo bonds are
with opposite-sex parents (see emotional
incest).
Do you easily identify with
characters in movies? If so, with whom? (male or female, young or old, etc)
Identification: I don't know what possessed me!
Most people learn life skills by identifying with role models.
And many people act as if they remain partially identified with one or more
people from early childhood. An identified person may feel totally normal
while acting in ways that most other people consider abnormal.
|
Identification
|
If you are
identified, you may feel that something or somebody in or around or close
to you somehow directs your behavior. You may feel protected - or you may
describe an invading entity or irrational unpleasant emotions or beliefs. |
The behavior of people who identify with others follows systemic rules:
The symptoms are often easy to perceive – a person identified
with a victim is generally suspicious and may annoy or torment people perceived
as victimizers;
a person identified with dead person is often generally melancholic and may
obsess about death; and a person identified with a perceived hero may be
generally anxious, yet avoid any form of change.
|
Victim Identification |
You
asked about when my anger towards my husband started. It started long before I
met him ... my mother was a victim of my father ... he was horrible
to her and I was so angry. Zagreb, Croatia |
|
My wife has been irritable and
suspicious since her mother was robbed two years ago. She treats most people
like criminals, so I keep her far away from my employees and
customers. Warsaw, Poland |
An identified person feels intense emotions when
expressing the unexpressed emotions of a role model (consider your emotional
experience while watching a thriller movie at a cinema). Such emotional
expressions may be a massive relief, whatever the consequences. Identified
people often deny reality and may describe being right in a wrong world.
|
Dead Person Identification |
During our coaching session you asked me
about my closeness to my dead grandfather ... yes, my dead grandpa felt
totally "me" - he felt more me than myself.
Prague, Czech Republic |
|
Ever since I can remember I felt like I
was mourning someone. You asked me to ask my mother if she had an abortion -
she said that she had three abortions before I was born ... I cried all
night! I so wanted an older sister. |
Identifications
.
Consequences of Abortion .
Learning Disabilities
Identity Conflict - Split Personality
Do you sometimes experience inner conflict? Part of you wants to
- but part of you doesn't? A person with identity conflict may feel normal,
just and right, even when switching between two distinct personalities, each
with profoundly different behaviors, beliefs and values. (A person with extreme
identity conflict may be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
If a person forgets his or her prior behavior when changing persona - this might
be called multiple personality syndrome).
|
Identity Conflict
|
Do
you feel that all life is conflict? Do you prefer many
simultaneous tasks? Do you make decisions or promises in one mood,
and forget or deny your decisions or promises in another
mood? Are all your decisions complex? |
You can dissolve Identity Conflict with systemic coaching.
In severe cases,
- you may be unable to focus on one thing for more than
a few minutes
- you may experience mood swings between different personality
types
- you may deny promises or decisions made in your "other"
personality
- you may be diagnosed with bipolar disorder
or multiple personality syndrome
Less severe symptoms are so common and normal that
they may be difficult to perceive. We help people end severe mood swings
(between the two sides of a conflict, see
complex conflict (transcript)). You need not be alone, consider obtaining
private sessions or professional training with us.
Lost Identity - The Lights are On - is Anybody Home?
Do you know people who are so preoccupied with their fantasies
or work that they cannot make life decisions? (They may be a salesman's dream -
they can be told what they want.) They may be overly compliant when young - and
may become obsessive-compulsive or addicts when adult. They may try to fulfill
their empty lives in therapy groups, cults or
cult-like organizations.
|
Lost Identity
|
Do you feel empty and
emotionless? Does your work feel robotic? Do your relationships and family
life seem pointless? Do you have goals, or do you only follow other people's
directions? Are you not at home in your own body? |
Identity loss can be recognized with systemic diagnosis
and dissolved with systemic coaching. Some people disconnect from their core
values (or self); and some people disconnect from shared reality (family or
community). We coach people to reconnect with
themselves. Do you know someone who ...
- has no goals and does not participate in life
- is extremely reserved or generally preoccupied
- cannot define goals - waits to be told
what they want
- has little or no internal motivation - must to be
told what to do
- describes dark or empty spaces inside or close to
their bodies
- expresses few or no emotions or feelings - even
when appropriate
Resolve Identity Loss
We help motivated adults resolve identity loss. We coach people to
dissolve the original stress or abuse and recover
the unpleasant emotions that were denied, hidden or split off. (We define
trauma as "events that cause a person to split off parts of
themselves"). We then help people find and assimilate these
unpleasant feelings and emotions as wonderful life resources. And we train
others.
Would you like to
benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2003-2010
All rights reserved.
|