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Excellence in individual goalwork is a basis for the more
complex goalwork of coaching couples, families and teams to build relationship
or systemic goals. Systemic goals are not individual goals and require
different goalwork skills.
Desire as a Path to Integrity
You can use your desires as a path to discover and experience your deepest self!
This experience of self, that we sometimes call Soul, or integrity, can be a
basis for living a meaningful life. Consider:
- What makes sense in your life?
- Why are you here?
- What is your life purpose?
- How will you know that you are fulfilling your life purpose?
These questions may seem ridiculous - or they may seem worthy of deep
introspection. Your answers may not seem to relate to your normal,
everyday life. Your life consists of normal everyday days. Here is
a normal everyday question: What do you want?
Well Formed Goals
Do you begin goal sentences with “I want...”. Or do you say
things like “It’s important that...”, “It would be nice
if...” or “People like me need...”.
Such statements may reflect not what you want, but what you
believe, “It’s not good to say what you want”,
“If you say what you want you will offend somebody”
or “What’s the point – I can’t get it anyway”.
Well formed goals provide direction and motivation. Verbalize your wishes
– start sentences beginning with “I want...” – and your world may change.
Your answers to deep goal
questions may require information that you can only gain unconsciously. You may
go into trance-like states as you consider your life goals.
Evidence of success?
You may
want a bigger house, more happiness, less suffering. Maybe you may want a
romantic holiday in Hawaii or to get rid of your old car. Your answers may
seem to only reflect your current needs.
Yet, if pursued, your answers will lead to profound questions of purpose and
meaning. And if your goal reflects your life’s purpose; if your goal has deep
meaning for you, achieving it will be fulfilling.
What do you want NOW?
Do you know exactly what you don’t want? Maybe you don’t want to be
unhappy. This thought will likely accompany images of unhappiness. Ask
instead “What do I want instead of being unhappy?” Perhaps you
want more something? Maybe you want more money. This thought will likely
accompany images of not having enough money.
“How will you know if you are happy?" “How will you
know if you have more money?” If you continually state negative
goals or comparisons - you may be excluding an important part of
yourself from your decision process. Include this part by
focusing on and verbalizing what you do want.
What do you want NEXT?
Do you normally make “multiple” wishes? Do
you want money and freedom? Do you want a university degree so that
you can find self-respect? Do you want someone to do something for you?
Such double-wishes usually indicate inner conflict.
Can you put your wishes into a sequence? Would having money lead
to freedom - or would having freedom be a step towards money?
Can you let go of cause-effect language? How else can you find
self-respect? Can you take responsibility? What benefit will
you have if that someone does that something for you?
Some multiple wishes may be mutually exclusive. For example, “I want a
monogamous relationship AND I want many affairs”. “I want to put all my
effort into building a business AND I want to travel around the world for an
extended holiday”.
In this case, find the advantages of achieving both goals –
even if their simultaneous fulfillment is impossible! What would become
possible for you if you were to have already achieved both those goals?
This question may help you find a more profound goal. (See
Double Wishes)
What EXACTLY do you want?
Maybe you want happiness, or love, or health. Abstract goals are unlikely to
support your success. Do you know how you want to achieve your goal?
How do you want to have happiness Do you know how you will know if
you achieve your wish? What would convince you that you have love And
do you know your real goal? For what purpose do you want health?
When do you want this?
Do you have goals without deadlines? Do you want to feel wonderful - sometime?
Do you want a high quality relationship - before you die? Even if you know exactly
what you want - if you do not choose a time frame, your chance for success
may lessen. Exactly when do you want your success?
Achieving what goals would convince you that you are
fulfilling your life purpose?
Unresolved abuse or
trauma support internal conflict, which can
undermine your ability to move forward, joyously, toward your dreams and goals.
Do you experience internal conflict as critical voices, as unpleasant feelings
or as guilt and shame? Is your optimism replaced by
hopelessness? Do you keep repeating habits that only bring suffering?
Are you
ready to change - are you ready to pursue your dreams and fulfill your
visions?
Click HERE for help with Goals and Planning
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers, 1996-2010 All rights reserved
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