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Real partners have real partnership
problems. People in affairs and couples who are emotionally separated may not have partnership issues. We help people recognize, survive and
resolve partnership difficulties - restore partnerships - start new
partnerships - or live independently.
Continued from
Part 1: Partnership Breakdown
Part 1 was about the situations and
events that often lead to a partnership crisis. A useful first step is to assess
your partnership skills and how much emotional baggage you carry. Let's move on ...
Step 2: Infatuation and Disenchantment
Unlike love, infatuation reaches a peak and then diminishes.
Reality usually intrudes when a couple must make ordinary, practical, everyday
decisions. Although love can grow as partners fulfill their responsibilities
together, romantic fantasies may be threatened by daily chores, and infatuation
may be replaced by boredom and frustration. For the infatuated, something wonderful may seem to be
dying and one or both partners may feel cheated - their wonderful dreams may
seem more and more unrealistic.
Step 3: Complaining and Nagging
The next step towards separation often involves complaints,
conflicts and arguments. While all healthy couples disagree sometimes, some
couples resolve their conflicts quickly,
while others can benefit from coaching. Many couples lose intimacy in
power struggles, focusing on the logic or emotional impact of their arguments -
not on finding satisfactory solutions. Both partners may feel cheated by the
other.
Couples who often disagree may have unresolved
transferences and/or
entanglements to parents, past-partners or
siblings, and/or values conflicts - often about children, sex, career, property
or money. Sometimes, too much advice has the same effect as criticism ...
sometimes advice is criticism!
Many people assume that understanding can resolve
conflicts: "If my partner really understood why I act this way,
my partner would do what I demand". Many people try to resolve conflicts
by repeatedly stating their ideas. Such repetition (nagging) is rarely useful as
most couple arguments and fights seem not to be based on misunderstandings, but
on transferences, entanglements and values conflicts.
Step 4: Criticism and Contempt
One or both partners shows contempt for the other.
Initially, the partners may ignore disliked behavior, considering it
temporary or stress-related. However, if disliked behavior
is repeated, partners may feel frustrated and call the other partner bad
or stupid. The disliked behavior of the partner
may be something he or she does, or doesn't do, or something the partner
believes or does not believe.
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My husband owns a business but he isn't
very clever. For years I advised him on how to run his business ... but he
isn't grateful and he avoids talking about it with me ...
What else can I do to help him? Chicago, USA |
If conflicts are disregarded, then 'big' issues may be
ignored and tiny actions may trigger emotional outbursts. For example, if
a partner suspects the other is having an affair,
but avoids clarifying the issue, a towel left on a floor may precipitate
an emotional volcano.
Childish
emotions may surface - emotions hidden during past abuse or trauma. An
adult may rage or sob like a child, perhaps making childish threats.
(The risk of huge unpleasant emotions seems to be higher if a partner has
identified with someone,
or suffers from codependence,
passive-aggression or
emotional incest.)
Contempt can be expressed verbally or non-verbally (e.g.
eye-rolling). A partner showing contempt for the other, or even subtle
disrespect, allows an observant coach to assess the risk of emotional
and/or physical separation - unless the partners accept some form of
effective coaching or mentorship.
Step 5: Attack and Defense
Many partners pretend to ignore ongoing contempt, until
they feel overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions. They may stop trying to resolve
their differences, believing that attempts at resolution can only result in
further suffering or disappointment. They may respond with counter-attacks
and defense mechanisms. Finally, following some last straw criticism
or insult, their relationship may seem over.
Partners in this phase often blame and accuse each other,
perhaps with lists of complaints that stretch back for years. They no
longer express love or desire intimacy, to avoid disappointment
and to feel sane. (If there is physical aggression,
disturbing threats or verbal abuse, threatened partners should consider ending
their denial, assessing their risk and seeking safer accommodation.)
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My partner repeatedly attacks me about things
I am supposed to have said years ago. If I cannot remember the events, that is
proof of my deceit ... I am sick of it.
How can I stop my partner attacking
me? Kailua, Hawaii |
People who feel cheated may try to punish a partner with
emotional blackmail. This can motivate
extreme behavior, such as self-harm, murder or suicide
threats. Listen to threats carefully and take threats seriously. Note
emotional immaturity,
passive
aggression, chronic anger or
paranoia.
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We help couples
dissolve habits resulting from
emotional incest
and entanglements
with ancestors, mentors and past partners. We refer suicidal clients to
health professionals and we assume that violent or criminal threats are
serious.
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Step 6: Withdrawal and Avoidance
People who repeatedly defend themselves will stop trusting
their partners, and protect themselves by withdrawing. The partners avoid each
other to minimize suffering and disappointment. 'Work' may become more
attractive than 'home'. Sexual or intimate affairs
may be considered. (Withdrawal and affairs allow unpleasant relationships
to continue much longer than people may otherwise tolerate.)
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After six years of marriage I lack the
energy to argue about stupid things like
the toilet seat position ... I work
late more ... my office is friendlier than my home.
I don't want to divorce
but I hate all this criticism. Zagreb, Croatia |
Psychosomatic symptoms,
disinterest in one's own health, compulsions and obsessions may become obvious -
alcohol, television, food, computers or other distractions. Some people
in this phase suffer eating disorders
or dissociation - and some eat compulsively and gain weight.
Partners with incompatible values may suffer seemingly
irresolvable conflicts. Minor issues (how much salt should be in the
soup?) seem magnified; or the partners may avoid communicating. If
either partner is unwilling to resolve value conflicts, then the
partnership may be over - often long years before couples divorce or
separate. (Many separated but
bonded couples stay together unhappily for years.)
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We help
people dissolve consequences of abuse,
trauma and
obsessions,
especially concerning intimate or sexual affairs. We coach couples to dissolve explosive
partnership issues.
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Step 7: Death and Separation - From Denial to Acceptance
In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the acceptance of death by
people who are dying or grieving. If you compare the acceptance of separation
with the acceptance of death, you may better understand and predict the
behavior of separating adult partners who experience separation crisis.
(Kubler-Ross, E (1969) On Death and Dying, Tavistock;
Kubler-Ross, E (1975) Death: Final Stage of Growth, Prentice-Hall)
Kubler-Ross wrote that many people first react to a threat with
denial. Similarly, a partner's first reaction may be to deny
their conflicts and avoid discussing important issues.
Next is often a feeling of anger towards oneself or others.
One or both partners may become abusive to the other or themselves,
or criticize the other, or condemn the other partner to
anyone who might be around. They may try to punish themselves
and each other in direct or indirect ways.
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Since my marriage ended I don't
accomplish much. I get lost in memories. Even bad memories are better than
emptiness ... I feel so terribly cheated. Newport, Wales |
Next is bargaining, often with promises to change. A person
with a terminal disease may say, "I will eat more salads to cure
myself". A person fearing separation may say, "I will spend
more time with the children to save my marriage". Such fears may lead
to temporary reconciliation; but promises made under pressure are often
forgotten. Reconciliation is a delicate time in need of mature mentorship.
Most grieving people experience depression or mourning
for what they have lost and for what they will miss. Separating
partners lose their dreams and may fear lonely futures. They mourn the loss
of partnership pleasures and perhaps parenthood, the loss of intimacy,
and perhaps the
loss of a home. Symptoms of
depression are common among separating couples, especially amongst
people who perceive themselves as victims.
Partners who accept separation often become more
emotionally mature. Rather than
trying to freeze the moment or to rewind the past -
they accept reality as it is and learn from what has happened.
You reveal your maturity whenever you communicate with an ex-partner.
Do you criticize your ex-partner - blaming your ex for your every problem
to anyone who listens? Do you punish your ex-partner - trying to limit
access to children or resources? Do you seek revenge with demands and threats?
While you may never feel close to your ex-partner again, your behavior
following separation will set
a pattern for your next relationship ... if there is one.
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Our couple coaching
can educate partners about crisis and separation,
and find solutions that benefit both partners, their children and their future partners. Many
people, after resolving entanglements
and fixations during separation, request our help to start a new
healthy partnership ... sometimes even with each other.
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If you Separate ... How can you BOTH Benefit?
After separation, mature adults often choose a
relationship-free period; dependent people
jump into affairs; and immature people obsess about revenge and punishment.
We coach people to make mature relationship decisions! A failed
partnership does not mean that either partner is a failure.
We coach people to solve problems,
dissolve conflicts, plan goals and develop mature partnership skills.
This exposes real human beings and real dreams of happiness! People
can then better decide how they want to express and receive love
in their everyday lives.
Online Couple Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, All rights reserved 2008-2011
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