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When people say that they are in a
relationship,
they are often referring to uncommitted partnership.
Healthy Relationships
I have participated in many relationships
... some healthy, many neutral and some unhealthy.
Looking back, it's easy to see that healthy relationships were built on shared
respect
and shared goals, while unhealthy relationships were built on shared needs.
Most healthy relationships seem to be those in which people
value and respect the rights and responsibilities of each person. Most healthy relationships are based on appropriate
respect amongst equals, on sharing and on trust. Healthy people accept and
respect each other's power, control and
decisions appropriate to the situation. (In this context, a child is not equal to
a parent, nor an employee to an employer, nor a student to a teacher).
Some characteristics of healthy relationships are:
- Acceptance - listening, valuing each other's opinions and
beliefs, and attempting to understand each other's perceptions, logic and emotions.
- Accountability - acknowledging past abandonment,
betrayal or abuse, and accepting
responsibility for one's actions or lack of action.
- Fairness - willing to compromise, accept change,
and seek mutual solutions to conflict.
- Gratitude - being thankful for the blessings and life-lessons learned
- Honesty - communicate openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes
- Peaceful - talk and act in ways that both can feel comfortable and safe
in discussing values, beliefs and behavior.
- Responsibility - decisions on distribution of work
and completion of tasks.
- Support - know and support each other's goals, and respect
each person's right to feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interests.
Symbiosis and Codependence
Popular Western culture seems to define romantic love,
in songs, television and movies, as relationships in which the partners are
inseparable, are lost without each other, and in which each person can only derive a sense of life
in the presence of the other. We would call such relationships symbiotic
or codependent.
Symbiotic human relationships rarely allow for
flexibility or equality and limit partners in their freedom to be themselves.
Symbiotic relationships can be stable and feel very close, and the roles are
predictable and safe. For some people, especially young adults, symbiosis is an
ideal relationship! Two common examples are rescuer-victim and
caretaker-dependent.
Codependent human relationships occurs when neither
feels capable or self-reliant. It sometimes seems as if two half-persons are
trying to make a one complete person! A classic example is that one partner
devotes huge time and energy assisting the other cope with an addiction - while
being terrified that the end of addiction will mark the end of their
relationship.
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When we moved to western Canada, we really
needed each other just to survive ... but our neediness lead to "I must keep
you needy ... if you stop needing me, you will leave me". ... Our love had
somehow reduced to preventing each other from finding any form of independent
happiness ... including friends. Jasper, BC |
Many people in symbiotic and co-dependent relationships say
that they feel "trapped" by needy people, although usually they are more
"trapped" by their own neediness. Symbiotic and codependent relationships end
when one or both partners accept responsibility for their own emotional and
physical well being. Such people are then free to create healthier
relationships.
We help people move from symbiosis (I can't live without
you) to independence (I can cope by myself) to mature interdependence
Relationship Types
All people are born dependent and needy. Self-reliance
involved the support of parents and other caretakers. A normal progression
starts with "symbiosis," to "increasing competence", to independence, and, then
to interdependence. Relationship disappointments can sabotage this progression,
causing identity loss and an inability to take
responsibility for life.
We recognize a number of basic relationship types, each having different conditions for
health that are subject to laws, cultural traditions and
family habits. (See Martyn's article on Relationship Yoga)
- Early Family - learning about life and preparing
for adulthood
- Friendship - enjoying life together
- Teamwork - joint effort to fulfill team goals
- Partnership - making important decisions together; ensuring that
both partners benefit
- Parenthood - sharing parental responsibilities
and being good role models
- Community - living together in harmony
- Humanity - appreciating diversity
Coaching Teenagers .
Coaching Young Adults . Coaching Older Clients
Love or Addiction?
Addictions show need - not love.
These differences between healthy love and addictive love may help you recognize genuine love.
- Healthy love develops after you feel secure. Addictive love tries to create
bonds to avoid fear.
- Healthy love is fluid and dynamic. Addictive love often
fears change
- Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers.
Addictive love is stereotyped.
- Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Addictive love is
tense and combative.
- Healthy love encourages honesty. Addictive love encourages secrets.
- Healthy love is accepting the partner you have. Addictive love
looks for more or better.
- Healthy love is based on your desire to be with a person.
Addictive love is based on NEED.
- Healthy love is making yourself happy.
Addictive love seeks someone to make you happy.
- Healthy love creates life and joy. Addictive love
creates melodrama and suffering.
People who wish to leave toxic relationships usually have to
rebuild their confidence, learn better communication skills and learn how to set
boundaries.
Where are your Boundaries?
| Boundaries are important in determining
the health of a relationship. Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin,
which problems belong to you and which belong to me ... Just as homeowners set
property lines around their land, we need mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual
boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what
is not. ... Dr. Henry Cloud |
Boundaries are about physical proximity,
touch, acceptable words, honesty and intimacy. If you cannot set appropriate
boundaries, you and others may suffer. Where do you need to improve your
boundaries?
Explore Relationships
Here are ways to explore relationships:
- Try to
understand each others' viewpoints.
- Reveal and describe your underlying emotions.
- Share feedback calmly, not in heated discussions.
- Recognize complaints, criticism, justifications and
blame.
- Separate the content of messages from how they were
communicated.
- Identify your underlying values and find how each
of you benefit from a problem.
- Interpret what each other communicates. Identify what
may be missing or inferred.
- Check if you're more interested in blaming, punishing, or
winning than in communicating.
- Stay with a problem, watch its dynamics and follow the
fears, without trying to change it.
- Note emotionally sensitive topics and habits - no matter
how reasonable they may seem.
Relationship skills are the path of love; and quality love
requires quality skills. We help people find a
bridge across forever - a bridge to integrity.
Would you like to
benefit from our experience?
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