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Are you entangled with a parent?
Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you feel lost in life?
Are you ready to dissolve old fixations and find emotional freedom.
I wrote this to describe and clarify a common family
pattern, although talking about these habits and their consequences is almost taboo
in many countries. If you
feel strong emotions as you read this ... we offer you our services.
Patterns of Love - Patterns of Need
It is right and wonderful that parents love their child - as a child.
But if lonely parents mould their children into substitutes for adult partners
or adult friends, confusion and
suffering will follow.
Consider a simple family of a father, mother and child. If a father loves a daughter as a substitute for loving a partner,
few daughters can resist his love. If a daughter feels that her mother does
not appreciate her father enough, a daughter may try to give her father the
love that her mother seems to withhold. A mother who feels betrayed by her
husband and daughter may withdraw into depression.
Such a mother may confront or reject her husband
and/or daughter. If the mother tries to hide her emotions, she may become
disturbed, depressed or physically ill. She may consider leaving her immature
husband - although often she doesn't know why. She may not identify the real problem.
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Our teenage daughter clings to my husband ... until age 12 she
was a tomboy ...
but now she sort of
hovers around him ... and he enjoys this too much.
He says there's nothing wrong, but what can I do? Melbourne, Australia |
If the mother leaves or dies, the next sacrifice is the father's relationship
with subsequent partners. If a man is preoccupied with his beloved daughter, the
next partner will notice and will respond. A similar pattern may
begin again, especially if the new woman has a history of attracting immature male
lovers.
An entangled daughter may later, as an adult, be unable to commit to
mature partnership. She may seek immature, childish men - or may seek
older, fatherly men. Her family may not confront this issue unless a
daughter becomes pregnant, depressed, addicted or suicidal.
See Teenage Girl in Trouble.
Hidden in Plain Sight
Daddy's Girls often explore relationships with immature men. But if
she has children, immature male partners will often love their daughters
more than they love their wives ... while immature mothers may
fixate on their own sons! These two common patterns of
intra-family dependence often continue across generations. They are common, and
hidden in plain sight.
Emotional incest may escalate to sexual incest. Father-daughter
sexual incest accounts for about one third of all cases of child
sexual abuse, although we find that emotional incest is much more common. A
father who loves his daughter more than his wife may be further entangled with
unconscious guilt.
A daughter lacking an authentic father may construct a fantasy
father, and bond to her fantasy. Later in life she may forever seek
a substitute for her fantasy, with predictable adult problems. A daughter
may be her Daddy's Princess ... but sooner
or later ... every princess wants to be a queen.
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My parents never took me seriously ... At 29 I was
still their little girl! ... After a few sessions with you my family
started treating me as an adult. Since then I started a
relationship with a man who treats me like a real woman - for the first time
ever. The last seven months have been wonderful and we plan to get married.
Toronto, Canada |
Sometimes one parent tries to alienate the other in
the mind of the child - see Parental Alienation.
Princess in a Dark Tower
The adult daughter may suffer conflict. Part of her may want
to communicate to Father: "YES - I'll be the special child-woman
that you need!" Another part may say: "NO - I will
not do this. I withdraw or rebel until you accept me as I am!"
As this daughter ages, she may become moody and depressed.
She cannot enjoy healthy partnership. By her 30's she may unconsciously
sabotage her appearance (obesity is common) to keep men away. She may distract
herself with drugs, sex and New Age ideas. She may immerse herself in her work.
She may leave home and live far away ... and rarely return. (See
Troubled Teenage Girl)
If a father demands that his daughter fulfill his emotional
needs, this confusion can lead to physical incest. The daughter's consequences
may include depression, psychosis, drug
addiction or suicide.
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People entangled with their parents are
often obsessed with being special. Love is not enough - enmeshed people want
devotion. Entangled adults may become angry or depressed if people fail to
appreciate how special they are. They often feel that they shouldn't have to
earn respect.
A need to be special is often a
symptom of abuse! |
When parents separate, a mother may convince her daughter to
be angry with her father, and alienate him
in her mind. The daughter may avoid contact with her father until adolescence,
and then feel compelled to meet him and explore who he really is. A daughter may
then reject her mother and live with
her father or seek a partner who is like father.
A bonded daughter may seek immature older men (substitutes
for her father), or avoid partnership - either by withdrawal (perhaps into a
career, drugs or psychosis) or by a string of shallow romances. She may only be
attracted to married men or she may declare herself lesbian. She may become
obsessed with her family and be unable to leave them ... or unable to be close
to them. Her risk of
depression may increase as she gets older - especially (in my experience) in
her mid-thirties.
Daughter's Rebellion
If father-daughter bonding is sanctioned by her family and
culture, a daughter's attempts to escape may incur family and community
wrath. The combination of parental, family, community and religious
pressure can be extreme. Many women leave home - some by
suicide - rather than conform.
If Daughter rebels against Father, there are three
common possibilities. Daughter takes a passive helpless-child
role, an aggressive dominant-mother role, or a conflicted
passive-aggressive role.
Daughter may rebel against her father, or she may rebel
against all men. Daughter may either avoid intimate relationships or only
have relationships with immature men. She cannot understand why her relationships
fail. She may distract herself with food, alcohol, drugs or promiscuous sex.
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Mother-son codependence is normal in southern Europe. My
mother wished so much to be with my older brother, and my father was angry
and dissatisfied. I was sent each day to 'humor father' after work - Mom
told me what to do to please him. I said Yes and No to Father, as you
describe and followed the patterns that you describe. I'm not sure that I'm
not doing it still. My mother wanted to be with my brother, so, there was no
betrayal, I think. Skopje, Macedonia |
Some daughters may unconsciously minimize male attention with
obesity or they may develop an unattractive complexion or body odor to motivate
men to stay away. Are they
adult-girls? Child-women? Mother’s rivals? Father's princesses? Who are they?
Some of Daughter's Emotions
A woman who has received her father's inappropriate love may
often express:
- A deep need to be special
- Sadness about her lost childhood
- Anger about emotional pressure from men
- Guilt for leaving Father and alienating Mother
- Fear of being rejected by men (can’t say “No!”)
- Fear of being controlled by men (can’t say “Yes!”)
Daughter's Relationship Cycle
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I had more boyfriends than any of my friends.
I thought they were jealous when they said that I would never be happy with
one man. By age 34 I had had over 80 boyfriends. I was SICK of it - but any
man was boring after a few weeks. Since our sessions ... I have been married
for two years now ...
I have a wonderful husband and a little girl. Thank you.
Warsaw, Poland |
Following covert emotional incest, many women follow similar patterns:
- She meets a man who has some qualities of her father
- She finds herself acting overly compliant or controlling
- The man becomes increasingly demanding and moody
- One or both may feel trapped and seek distractions or
affairs
- She may sabotage and end their partnership, and/or
- She may create an addict-helper codependent relationship, and/or
- She may create a baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy
- She tells her children "I only stay with your
father for your benefit!"
Few helping professionals seem to offer effective solutions for
covert emotional incest. See
Preventing Learning Disabilities for solutions for some family
entanglements.
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My wife kept saying I was like her father. When I
suggested that we get your coaching, I thought she would explode ...
Since our meetings, we have changed ... She rarely acts like a little
girl now - nor does she try to mother me. Instead she
is the woman of my dreams. Zagreb, Croatia |
We help people dissolve
family entanglements and find emotional maturity.
Daddy's
Princess - Part 1 . Teenage Girl in
Trouble
Online Coaching for Fixations and Obsessions
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Email from a Teenage Girl (USA, age 18 - verbatim)
girls can love their fathers even
if they reject their mothers.. it doesnt matter . most parents love
their children more than their spouses , thats a very obvious
good thing. there is no such thing as incest. .. incest existed
many years ago. but thats differnt.
girls who have deep loving relationships with their fathers and
not with their mothers are in no danger . a father and daughter
who love eachother like crazy .. is what saves a child!!!
a girl has one parent. a father. the mother at the most grows to
be a friend.
emotional incest has no defination . its upto the
child. i know children who are madly inlvoe with their parents!!
daughters who simple lvoe their fathers and thse are the happiest
children. every family should be like that. it shouldnt
be boring. it should be exciting , it should have passion!!! why
not!
some daughters kiss their fathers passionately on their lips!! a
friend kisses her dad like. she lieks scaring people. hehe. but if a child
doenst consider it to be emotional incest , then it is not.
a partner is just a legal way of having sex.. than getting
invloved with hookers and porno. but most parents are sooo
inlvoe with their children.. sex is boring. true love is more
than god. thats why parnents and childrne want to be inlove and
be happy together. if that is emotinal incet,. thank god for
it!! iam for it!! hhaha.
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Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
1999-2012 All rights reserved
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