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By emotional baggage I refer to feelings,
emotions, attitudes, habits and beliefs ... and although little of these may be
conscious - your emotional baggage has huge consequences. Perhaps the most wonderful gift that
you can give to your children is to be emotionally mature.
The perception of a nuclear
family of parents and children seems woefully inadequate for explaining
common family problems and for finding effective solutions. I continually
find that intergenerational and extended family relationships, particularly
between siblings, their parents and their grandparents, impact all of their
lives - and the lives of subsequent partners and future generations.
Avoid using drugs
as an attempt to manage relationships!
I and my graduate students help people explore their emotional reality - their emotions and
relationship bonds with which they compensate
for the behavior of family members. Emotional reality includes ancestral
values, beliefs and attitudes that motivate behavior and affect
sense of life.
We often refer to these
consequences as Pandora's Box, emotional baggage
or just stuff and we developed many ways to help people
safely open their boxes, untangle their emotional baggage
and sort out their stuff. We help people dissolve or replace
their legacy of limiting beliefs, irrational emotions and unwanted habits.
History is what happened -
emotional baggage is what you are still carrying.
Healthy perceptions of
parents, grandparents and extended family seem to support emotional health.
Even with the rise of marital instability and family dislocation, we help
people resolve their emotional baggage and
clean up their relationships as a basis for building healthier,
happier families.
Your Parents
Your parents were probably doing the
best they knew how to do, and trying to give their children whatever
they lacked when they were young.
Do you feel bad about your parents'
partnership, or remorse about lost opportunities? We
can help you unpack and organize your stuff. If you
ignore it, it may delay your personal growth and success.
Most healthy people explore and organize
their emotions, attitudes and beliefs. They know what they want, how
they feel and why they feel that way. They find solutions to problems quickly.
They have similar challenges as less happy people - but healthy people
deal with them much faster. Healthy people don't get stuck for long ...
and they rarely sabotage themselves.
Emotional baggage can hurt you and the
people you love. Entangled relationships with parents, grandparents,
etc, can cause chaos and suffering. These enmeshments can diminish your
ability to enjoy your life and your relationships - they are ways in
which you can lose identity.
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Some Ancestral Baggage |
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Identification |
You identify with an ancestor |
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Projection |
You express an ancestor's prejudices |
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Codependence |
You depend on an ancestor who depends on
you |
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Belief Bonds |
You believe something to feel connected
to an ancestor |
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Transference |
You perceive someone as if that person were an ancestor |
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Guilt |
You feel bad because an ancestor betrayed someone |
Are you confused or bewildered by
emotional reactions or relationship habits? We help
people free themselves from emotional entanglements and
self-sabotage.
Lost Innocence
You may lose innocence when you understand
what you had to do to survive a relationship - or to stay in a relationship. Even though
your relationship habits may be obvious to others, you may not
recognize and accept your own issues without help.
People often
protect themselves from thoughts that they can't understand and feelings
that they can’t assimilate.
For example, in a relationship with an opposite-sex parent or child, an
awareness of covert emotional incest would damage that relationship. (If
this is you - I expect you to have some unpleasant thoughts and feelings, and
then to quickly forget both this paragraph and your feelings).
For example, many
men who are bonded to their mothers, and
many
women who are enmeshed with their fathers, will
deny this possibility even when there is massive evidence and horrible
consequences. These people will often avoid even considering whether or not they
are entangled!
A feeling
of connection to an important person (e.g. a parent, partner or child) may feel more important than
the unpleasant
consequences of that feeling. Entangled adults often enjoy feeling special or
chosen - sometimes hardly even aware that other people are also human
beings.
Normal does not mean Healthy
Many people ask us to help them have
normal relationships. But what does normal mean?
In some countries
normal relationships can be unhealthy. It may be normal for some mothers
to over-love their eldest or only sons. It may be normal
for some fathers to devote themselves to their youngest or only daughters. It
may be normal for some parents to try to
control or manipulate their adult children.
Are you normal? Do you sometimes pretend
to be a child? Do you sometimes play parent to another adult? Do you
sometimes play victimizer, victim or rescuer roles? That is normal enough,
but these role-playing games can be intense ... and they have
high stakes. You bet your life.
Some families (and
cults) enmesh people to better control their behavior. There are rules, but some
important rules may be taboo. If it is against the rules to ask about the rules
... you may be punished!
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Some Signs of Emotional Baggage |
| Excuses |
Blames |
Complains |
Criticizes |
| Threatens |
Coerces |
Begs |
Gossips |
| Doesn't say what they mean |
Doesn't take themselves seriously |
Claims nothing is their fault |
Cannot say "No" |
| Doesn't mean what they say |
Tells people not to take them seriously |
Claims nothing is their fault |
Cannot say "Yes" |
| Chronic emotional displays |
Acts as if they are very special |
Avoids talking about themselves |
Lies, protects and covers up for people |
| Cannot end any relationship |
Cannot define their own goals |
Cannot stop talking |
Talks in self-critical, or hostile ways |
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Only say what provokes people |
Only express opinions when people agree |
Claims to sacrifice their happiness for others |
Cannot express emotions appropriately |
Sexual Entanglements
A hint of sexual pleasure can cause powerful reactions.
Consider sales and marketing - have you noticed
how pretty women can be used to sell almost anything? Many people offer sexual intimacy in return for some benefit -
often while feeling contempt for their sex partners.
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Are you Sexually Entangled? |
- Do you initiate sex when you feel bad?
- Can you ask for what you want in bed?
- Do you withdraw from your sex partner?
- Do you have sex when you don't want to?
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- Does sex feel robotic?
- Have you lost interest in sex?
- Do you consider sexual affairs?
- Do you invent excuses to avoid sex?
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Don't Recycle Emotional Baggage ... Deal with it!
Entangled adults may sometimes behave in immature
(childish), or overly protective (control freak)
ways. It is a small step from protection to control ... or from mothering to smothering.
Immature
adults often attempt to entangle other people in webs of confusion, negativity and deceit.
They may not know how else to relate. Avoid joining them in their
hallucinations!
The
consequences of inappropriate
relationship bonds often worsen over time, causing relationships to
descend through symbiosis towards codependence. Your willingness to deal
with your emotional baggage reflects your emotional maturity and mental
health!
We help people find solutions for
their
emotional baggage,
end self-sabotage and develop emotional maturity.
Online Coaching for Emotional Baggage
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2010-2012 All rights reserved. |
