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Do you suffer painful thoughts and feelings
about your age difference?
Do family members or friends criticize you about your partner's age?
We help people untangle their feelings and reclaim emotional freedom.
If you are
lucky enough or clever enough to find a compatible partner, your partner may be
almost any
age. For people in love, ages are only numbers. To observers, however, your ages and age
difference - may seem important. We coach couples
to resolve this and other predictable
partnership problems.
Aging
Most people are born with an energy for living
that, unless continuously restored, fades with age. After about
age 25, unless care is taken to replenish energy, many people seem to stop
growing up and start growing old.
The deterioration of bodily functions that
accompany aging is often seen as a one-way street to misery, suffering and
death. Yet most unpleasant changes associated with old age are not from
natural aging - but from diseases triggered by unhealthy lifestyles. As
time passes, cellular damage accumulates and impairs the function of
tissues. Two common examples are hypertension
and adult-onset diabetes, both of which can
usually be controlled by diet and exercise.
With appropriate care, most people can delay
or prevent many health problems associated with aging.
Is Age a State of Mind?
Age is important in relationships - both subjective
age and body age. While an optimistic, self-oriented approach is that
"You are only as old as you feel", some adults behave
like needy children, while some young adults act with more maturity than
their physical age might predict.
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If you are attracted to someone
significantly older or younger than you, move slowly. Younger people
may be mature for their age, but they are still their age.
Perhaps delay a commitment until both of you are emotionally
ready and your desire is clearly mutual. |
Older people may feel attracted to younger partners for
many reasons. They may seek lively companionship, assurance
that they are still attractive, and/or they may want to re-live their youth.
Conversely, some young adults seeking relationships with more mature partners
are fed up with the immature behavior of people their own age, and they may
seek maturity, security and/or stability.
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I wanted to get away from my parents.
This man was rich ... and much older than me ... I pretended to enjoy
sex with him and got pregnant and married him ... he flirted with my
friends, my son was sick ... I was only 23
and my doctor made me take anti-depressants. Since your coaching it's
a different world. We have a new start. Miami, Florida |
It is possible to enjoy a secure, loving relationship with
a significant age difference ... if both partners understand the issues that
may arise and work together to resolve them. Generally, maturity
and integrity are more important than age - maturity and integrity
reflect life experience, attitudes and goals ... and predict behavior. If both partners have similar
senses of maturity and integrity, and similar values, expect problem solving to
be much easier than for immature same-age couples
Shared values are essential.
Most people prefer to be with people who have similar values. While it seems
healthy for partners to have some different interests, the enjoyment of
long-term partnership usually reflects shared values and the time together
invested in fulfilling those values.
While an age difference may affect activities such
as athletics, sports or making babies; couples who enjoy
activities such as gardening, hiking, charity work or studying together
can help keep their partnership healthy and vibrant. Couples who work
together on activities that benefit their community often feel
especially fulfilled.
On the downside, if one partner slows down as he or she ages,
the youthful exuberance of the other may become a liability ... some couples seem to
use
psychosomatic symptoms to balance their
relationship ...
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I suffered with
chronic fatigue syndrome for twelve years
and was told that it was incurable. I heard about Martyn's work from a good
friend, and flew to meet him for private coaching.
Within a month or so, many of my chronic
fatigue
symptoms seemed to evaporate, and I planned to return to my career as an
international trainer.
But after three months my partner and I were on the edge of divorce. My
regained high energy was not so wonderful for my retired husband. After a crisis, my
husband and I found ways in which I could be energetic
and he could be retired and we could stay married.
Florence, Italy |
Does your age difference interfere with your personal goals?
Does your partner's age support or at least not interfere with your desired
way of life? Do you want to concentrate on your career, have children or
spend your free time traveling? We coach people to find solutions for these
and similar challenges.
Important Topics
Whatever your choice of partner - your family, friends
and community may disagree. You may be under pressure to avoid or end a
relationship that offends their sense of propriety. You may offend
some of
them if you choose a partner from a different race, country, region or part
of town. You may offend some of them if you choose a person with a different
education, religious or family background. You may offend some of them no matter
what you choose!
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I found my perfect man! He's quite a bit
older than me, and when I announced
our engagement there was an uproar! My mother liked him too much. My father
hated him. Some of my friends liked him and some warned me that he would soon be
bored with me.
I lost those friends and kept my man! Philadelphia, USA |
Some people seem obsessed to interfere - for your own
good of course. They may claim that their happiness depends on your
partnership choices, or that you somehow make them look bad. Most people
will accept that a man can be older than a woman, but may not accept that a woman
can be older than a man (and many people condemn couples who enjoy same-sex
partnerships at any age).
If a man is many years older than his female partner,
eyebrows may raise and lips become thin; and unpleasant comments or
criticism may be heard. (Such reactions seem to be more hurtful for the
women we have coached. Men generally seem less caring about community
perspectives, and more willing to tell people to go ... mind their own
businesses.)
Parental opposition to an age difference can stress a
relationship. Their objections can range from silent disapproval to total
rejection. A man dating a much younger woman may be accused of
robbing the cradle. An older woman with a younger man might be
called a mother figure. Or worse.
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My parents were angry when I told them
about my much older partner ... they said horrible things and asked, “Why does
someone YOUR age want someone so old?”
Arguing with them was a waste of time ... all I heard was prejudice.
They didn't want my happiness - they wanted to control me. After our coaching, they
relaxed a little ... but we were together for three more years before they
relaxed a lot. London, UK |
Younger adults may be desirable for their beauty, vitality
and sexiness. Some younger mates may be perceived as trophies -
ways to impress other people - while older partners may be perceived as having
greater resources, wisdom and maturity.
A significant age difference can be challenging, and can
lead to a relationship based on more than just similar interests. An older
partner can provide a sense of integrity, maturity and emotional stability,
while a younger partner can provide a sense of wonder and renewed motivation
for life experiences.
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I'm happier than I thought was possible. My
life partner is 18 years older than me ... and he treats me like I am precious.
I feel wonderful most of the time. He is mature and caring ... the younger men I
knew wanted to mess around with other women or go to sporting events. We have
been together 6 years ... and we enjoy doing almost everything together. |
Other important topics include finances, children,
retirement goals and career choices. We coach people to explore how
their age difference may affect their future lives together ... perhaps one
year, five years and ten years into the future ... and to resolve,
change or prepare for whatever requires work.
Explore Partnership
If you are in a serious relationship with someone much
older or younger than you, be sensitive to your partner's concerns and talk
about them. Explore your own and your partner's feelings. Probably
you both have concerns about your age gap ... get those concerns into the
light and talk about them.
Does one of you feel threatened by younger or
seemingly more attractive people? Does one of you believe that the
other might be happier with someone closer to their own age? Does
the younger partner feel intimidated by the older partner's friends?
Can they both enjoy each other's friends?
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Relationships with significant age gaps
require huge commitment. You may both feel especially challenged when
relating to your partner's family, friends and co-workers.
Their judgments may reflect little understanding about why you both chose
to be partners. |
Advantages of Aging
In traditional cultures, elders represent
the knowledge and wisdom of their community, and are usually the teachers and
mentors
of the younger. Older people tend to have more time and patience. They have seen more of life;
they have solved more problems and they are not easily shocked. They
have seen birth and death, health and disease. They often can have a perspective
of joy and suffering - of life and death - that few younger
people can hardly imagine.
Online Couple Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2009-2012 All rights reserved |
