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Are you entangled in difficult
relationships or painful emotions? Were you abused?
We help people untangle
their lives ... and reclaim their freedom.
Have you been ABUSED?
CAUTION: As you read this page, you may discover
disturbing facts about yourself and people you know ... and you may
need mature guidance as to whether your perceptions
are accurate. Please discuss with good friends how damage by mentors,
therapy damage or spiritual abuse may apply to your life. Don't make it even
worse ... please
avoid hasty conclusions or retribution.
Abusers rarely announce their
intentions. Abusive mentors may say that they want to help you reach
the highest spiritual experiences. They may say that
they want to help you avoid future suffering. They may
claim to help you by making decisions for you.
Lasting happiness requires that you gather
information, make decisions and take responsibility, even when your results are
not what you wanted. Your
consequences can help you make better decisions.
Assess a Coach, Therapist or Mentor
If you have been damaged by a therapist or mentor,
can you recognize a reliable coach or a supportive
therapist or a quality mentor? You may be suspicious and seek proof of
competence.
If possible, watch a potential
mentor assisting other people, and talk to people who have
been mentored by or who were clients of this person. Note
if a potential therapist or mentor:
- has effective interpersonal skills
- has quality personal relationships
- provides feedback for better relationships
- can assess needs and diagnose problems
- expresses their philosophy in
their own lives
- tries to understand your relationship
behavior
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- is sensitive and genuine
- is competent and caring
- is accepting and empathic
- is trustworthy and credible
- is experienced and supportive
- is friendly and knowledgeable
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Ask yourself if this person is likely to help
you to:
- evaluate your relationships and
relationship entanglements?
- recover identity loss; your lost
qualities, expertise and skills?
- dissolve unwanted relationship bonds
for healthier relationships?
- end self-criticism and inner
conflict, and help you recover integrity?
- dissolve emotional trauma and abuse,
and rebuild your motivation?
- dissolve mentor or therapy damage &
find inspirational mentorship?
- define your goals, resolve your objections
and plan for your success?
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Mentor Abuse & Toxic Mentorship
Spiritual abuse occurs when people consider themselves
to be authorities and attempt to control or manipulate you, often using
abstract words to advance their own agendas. Spiritual abuse may confuse
your commitment to personal integrity with some philosophy, religious
dogma or political agenda.
The result? You become dependent or compliant. You believe
and do things that you would previously avoid. You may feel anxious if you
do not follow orders. You may feel depressed that you alienate your family
or friends. You may feel anger towards people who disagree ... all signs of
cult-like behavior.
Later, you may not trust any authority. You may become
unable to discern who supports your integrity, and who does not. You may
dismiss all potential mentors as charlatans; all therapists as con-artists;
all trainers as crooks. You may feel victimized and angry.
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Since I entered the world of NLP, hypnotherapy
and inspirational self-improvement, my life has changed. I definitely don't like
these changes, but I can't get out of them because they were imprinted in me on
an emotional level.
More
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A crisis need not last forever and you can heal most wounds
from your errors and from others' mistakes. As you heal yourself of mentor,
spiritual and therapy damage, you can find healthier ways to express love, and
regain self-respect. We
can coach you to learn to trust and be trusted again.
Commitment, Community & Friendship
Healthy relationships require relationship skills.
If you have poor relationship skills, you risk using an organization
as a substitute for parents, friends, partnership and parenthood.
You risk joining a cult.
Some people may pretend friendship to obtain or elicit information
from you - which they later use to hurt you, manipulate you or sell you something.
While salespeople are notorious for manipulation, well-intentioned friends and
associates may also try to influence your behavior or control your decisions.
Authority Abuse & Relationship Bonds
Children defer to their parents' authority. Students obey
the authority of their teachers. Employees comply with their managers. Devotees
worship their gurus.
Relationship bonds can affect all of life.
Many people may try to control
your disposable income, your vote or your behavior. Some want your
respect, or your recognition that they have power over your life.
Some people want your love or devotion.
If you try to make people do things - people who
are not your children, students or employees - you may hope to become an authority in their lives. If you obsess about
controlling people, you may depend on those people to depend on you (see
codependence).
If, with whatever good intentions, you try to
replace their parents, teachers or employers ...
perhaps you want to be seen as some sort of guru.
You risk becoming dependent on the dependence of others.
You may become codependent with people who cling to your dependence on them.
If you are successful, you can witness a cult forming ... a cult of you.
(Many people diagnosed as psychotic start cults with only one member ...
themselves!)
Obsessions, Compliance & Spiritual Abuse
While you may not consider yourself to be a
cult-leader or a cult follower - many other intelligent, caring people get
caught in these nets. All you need do is accept someone's ideas as
revealed truth without checking the consequences of your compliance.
You may not check the consequences of ideas that fit
your prejudices. Instead you may justify your obsessions as you try to convince
yourself that you are somehow special or spiritual or chosen.
Spiritual abuse is easy for some people. Be prejudiced, criticize people,
persuade them that your way is better and make decisions for them. Treat
adults like children and promote your own obsessions ...
| Obsession |
Intentions |
Likely Consequences |
| Blame |
You want people to pay for your mistakes.
You blame others for your errors. |
You are preoccupied with anger and judging.
You need to prove yourself right. You cannot
forgive yourself - or others. |
| Shame |
You want to hide mistakes.
You want people to validate your life by following your
advice. |
You only attempt what you are good at
You will not admit mistakes
You live a double life, hiding much of yourself |
| Dogma |
You want people to believe what you
believe - and you believe that you should instruct or control them. |
You prefer philosophy to integrity
You avoid individual responsibility
You define happiness as following instructions |
| Ideas |
You want to reduce your conflict.
You want people to deny ideas
or ignore opinions that differ to yours. |
You ignore your feelings and emotions
You feel threatened by different opinions
You are suspicious of people generally |
| Image |
You want to look good. Your facade is
more important than your happiness. |
You manage your image to gain recognition, respect
and perhaps money, but you lose contact with your own sense of life
- your happiness |
| Authority |
You want people to support
your authority. You try to minimize their relationships outside your system. |
You obsess about other people's behavior, how
their behavior reflects your authority,
and how things look to people more powerful than you. |
| Money |
You want to own or control
other people's money or possessions - for a greater good, of course. |
You know what everything costs, except for joy, happiness and
integrity. You may
be a thief - for your best good cause ... for yourself. |
Spiritual Terrorism
Although obsessions can produce cults, sects
and schisms, people with these obsessions cannot compare to those
who deliberately sabotage the human spirit. Few drug dealers claim a
spiritual or humanitarian mission, as do many organizations which
recruit and train people to become killers.
Spiritual Recovery & Multiple Mentorship
It is unlikely that one person can provide all your
mentorship needs. Seek mentors with specific life skills and competencies.
You can study their lives and choose what you want to emulate - and
what you want to reject. We can coach you to find and benefit from
quality mentors of your choice.
As you seek inspirational mentors - some people can
inspire you not to follow their path. And when you find role
models you want to emulate, our
expert modeling can help you assimilate their skills and qualities
into your life.
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You can remember that you are part of
the life of this planet ...
... you have a place here and you can choose
how you learn what is good for you.
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Click HERE to make an appointment!
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005-2010
All rights reserved.
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