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Are you entangled in difficult
relationships or painful emotions? Were you abused?
We help people untangle
their lives ... and reclaim their freedom.
Have you been ABUSED?
CAUTION: As you read this page, you may discover
disturbing facts about yourself and people you know ... and you may
need mature guidance to check whether your perceptions
are accurate. Please talk to good friends about how damage by mentors,
therapy damage or spiritual abuse may apply to your life. Whatever happened ...
don't make it worse ... avoid hasty conclusions or retribution.
Abusers usually claim good intentions. Abusive mentors
may say that they want to help you reach the highest spiritual
experiences. They may say that they want to help you avoid future
suffering. They may claim to help you by making decisions for you.
Later you may feel manipulated and depressed.
Few religions or cults make guidelines about how much
authority the leaders can assume over their followers, and spiritual abuse
is common in many organizations. (Another possibility is
financial abuse, e.g. fraud and
exploitation by television evangelists.)
Many people who have taken popular or New age "therapies", may
say that they felt good for a time, and then felt worse. If they dissociated
(kicked out) their unpleasant feelings and emotions, they ceased to feel their
own "early-warning" signals and lost contact with themselves.
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I became a therapist to help people, and I chose the modality that helped me
get rid of a lot of negative emotions. Now, however, I feel like an empty shell.
Those emotions were ME ... how can I get them back? London,
England
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Lasting happiness requires that you gather information, make
decisions and take responsibility, even when your results are not what you
wanted. Your consequences can help you make better decisions.
Assess a Coach, Therapist or Mentor
Were you damaged by a therapist or mentor? Can you now
recognize a reliable coach or a supportive therapist or a quality mentor?
You may feel suspicious and seek proof of competence.
If possible, watch a potential mentor
helping other people, and talk to people who have been mentored by or
who were clients of this person. Note if a potential therapist or mentor:
- has effective interpersonal skills
- has quality personal relationships
- provides feedback for better relationships
- can assess needs and diagnose problems
- expresses their philosophy in
their own lives
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- is competent and caring
- is accepting and empathic
- is trustworthy and credible
- is experienced and supportive
- is friendly and knowledgeable
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Ask yourself if this potential mentor is likely to help
you to:
- evaluate your relationships and
relationship entanglements?
- recover identity loss; your lost
qualities, expertise and skills?
- end self-criticism and inner
conflict, and help you recover integrity?
- dissolve emotional trauma and abuse,
and rebuild your motivation?
- dissolve mentor or therapy damage &
find inspirational mentorship?
- define your goals, resolve your objections
and plan for your success?
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Mentor Abuse & Toxic Mentorship
Spiritual abuse occurs when people who consider themselves
to be authorities attempt to control or manipulate you, often using
abstract words to advance their own agendas. Spiritual abuse may confuse
your commitment to personal integrity with some philosophy, religious
dogma or political agenda.
Most mental health
problems are healthy reactions to unhealthy situations!
The result - cult-like behavior. You become dependent or
compliant. You believe and do things that you would previously avoid. You may
feel anxious if you do not follow orders. You may feel depressed that you alienate
your family or friends. You want to conform to previously rejected norms. You
feel anger towards people who disagree with you ... and you may want to punish
heretics!
Later, you may not trust any authority. You may
be unable to discern who supports your integrity, and who does not. You may
dismiss all potential mentors as charlatans; all therapists as con-artists;
all religious leaders as crooks. You may feel victimized, unhappy and angry.
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Since I entered the world of NLP, hypnotherapy
and inspirational self-improvement, my life has changed. I definitely don't like
these changes, but I can't get out of them because they were imprinted in me on
an emotional level ... Chicago |
A crisis need not last forever and you can heal most wounds
from your errors and from others' mistakes. As you heal any mentor,
spiritual and therapy damage, you can find healthier ways to express love,
and regain self-respect. We can coach you to learn to trust and be trusted
again.
Commitment, Community & Friendship
Healthy relationships require relationship skills. People with poor relationship skills risk using an organization as a
substitute for parents, friends, partnership and parenthood. They risk
joining cults.
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I can't tell you how many times I was spiritually abused. I searched
for a long time for people of integrity who have the courage to admit
when they don't have all the answers. Your simple honesty means the world
to me. Philadelphia
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Some people may pretend friendship to obtain or elicit information
from you - which they later use to hurt you, manipulate you or sell you something.
While salespeople are notorious for manipulation, other friends and
associates may also try to influence your behavior or control your decisions.
Authority Abuse & Relationship Bonds
Children defer to their parents' authority. Students obey
the authority of their teachers. Employees comply with their managers. Devotees
worship their gurus.
Relationship bonds affect all of life.
Many people may try to control your disposable income,
your vote or your behavior. Some want your respect, or your recognition
that they have power over your life. Some people want your love or devotion.
You may not realize what is happening because of the use of peer pressure
and guilt to enforce and reinforce your obedience towards them.
If you try to make people do things - people who
are not your children, students or employees - you may want to be an
authority in their lives. If you obsess about controlling people, you may
depend on those people to depend on you (see
codependence). No matter your intentions,
if you try to replace their parents,
teachers or employers ... perhaps you want to be seen as some sort of guru.
You risk becoming dependent on the dependence of others.
You may become codependent with people who cling to your dependence on them.
If you are successful, you can witness a cult forming ... a cult of you.
(Many people diagnosed as psychotic start cults with only one member ...
themselves!)
Obsessions, Compliance & Spiritual Abuse
While you may not consider yourself to be a cult-leader
or a cult follower - many other intelligent, caring people get caught in
these nets. All you need do is accept someone's ideas as revealed truth
without checking the facts or the consequences of your compliance.
You may not check the consequences of ideas that fit
your prejudices. Instead you may justify your obsessions as you try to convince
yourself that you are somehow special or spiritual or chosen.
Untangling or rewinding mentor damage can take more time and effort than
resolving the original problems.
Being abusive is easy for some people. Be prejudiced,
blame, shame and criticize people, persuade them that your way is better and make decisions
for them. Treat adults like children and promote your own dogma and obsessions!
And ignore the likely consequences.
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Intentions |
Likely Consequences |
| Blame |
You want people to pay for your
mistakes. You blame others for your errors. |
You are preoccupied with anger and judging.
You need to prove yourself right. You cannot
forgive yourself - or others. |
| Shame |
You want to hide mistakes.
You want people to validate your life by following your
advice. |
You only attempt what you are good at
You will not admit mistakes
You live a double life, hiding much of yourself |
| Dogma |
You want people to believe what you
believe - and you believe that you should instruct or control them. |
You prefer philosophy to integrity
You avoid individual responsibility
You define happiness as obedience |
| Ideas |
You want to reduce your conflict.
You want people to deny ideas or ignore opinions that differ to yours.
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You ignore your feelings and emotions
You feel threatened by different opinions
You are suspicious of people generally |
| Image |
You want to look good. Your facade is
more important than your happiness. |
You manage your image to gain recognition, respect
and perhaps money, but you lose contact with your own sense of life
and your happiness |
| Authority |
You want people to support your
authority. You try to minimize their relationships outside your system. |
You obsess about other people's behavior, how
their behavior reflects your authority,
and how things look to people more powerful than you. |
| Money |
You want to own or control
other people's money or possessions - for a greater good, of course. |
You know what everything costs, except for joy, happiness and
integrity. You may
be a thief - for your best good cause ... for yourself. |
Spiritual Terrorism
Although obsessions and fixations can produce cults
and sects, they do not compare to those people who deliberately sabotage
and destroy the human spirit. Few drug dealers claim spiritual,
patriotic or humanitarian missions, as do many organizations which
recruit and train people to become killers.
Spiritual Recovery & Multiple Mentorship
It is unlikely that any one person can provide all your
mentorship needs. Seek mentors with specific life skills and competencies.
Study their lives and choose what you want to emulate - and
what you want to reject. We can coach you to find and benefit from
quality mentors of your choice.
As you seek inspirational mentors - you will also find
people who inspire you not to follow their path and people whose
lives show you the consequences of certain decisions. When you find
people you want to emulate, we can help you assimilate their skills
and qualities into your life.
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Remember that you are part of
the life of this planet ...
... you have a place here and you
can choose how you learn what is good for you.
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Online Coaching to End Mentor Damage
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2005-2012 All rights reserved.
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