Life Resources
When working with people we notice that people from
problematic, chaotic families quite often develop very early or strongly
important life resources: intelligence (in order to understand confusing
situations and to find way out of such situations), perseverance, inner
strength, ability to cope with difficulties, sensibility, empathy, sense of
humor (as a way of relieving one’s own and other people’s unpleasant emotions,
or as a strategy of finding one’s place within a group). Likewise, we
frequently notice that children who grow up in families that give them
everything grow up into average and often not particularly strong and confident
people. Sometimes they can become egotistic and spoiled people, as it can be
seen especially in the last several decades.
Of course, this is not a rule, but it happens a lot. Every
family is a complex whole, and the child’s experiences are multidimensional.
There are no mathematical criteria according to which all influences and their
consequences for the child could be organized. Likewise, the same influences can
cause several different consequences, of which some are unpleasant, and some are
useful and important: chaos and traumas can trigger the development of the above
mentioned resources and positive features, but at the same time create lasting
fear, anger, guilt and a negative impression about oneself.
Parental Care
Parental care and protection can create a feeling that we are
worthy and acceptable, but also average or below average abilities, motivation
and self-confidence on the other hand (in case of over-protection or lack of
challenges). As in case of most individual and global
life circumstances, consequences are never black and white, but always a
combination of the “positive” and “negative”.
Many people who were strongly protected by their parents
mention that this very protection made them insecure in themselves and their
strength, since they never had a chance to experience whether they were able to
cope with the problems and unpleasant situations, nor to practice
resourcefulness and creativity. On the other hand nobody would like to be in the
shoes of those who suffered neglect, abuse or who were ridiculed, and these
people know
so well that they had to pay a high price for their inner strength by
acquiring some unpleasant patterns.
However, by applying some awareness and effort you can enable
your child to “have its cake and eat it”. It is not necessary to expose the
child to heavy traumas so that he or she would develop above average resources!
What is important is not a strong and frequent unpleasant experience, but
significant and frequent challenges. This is what families who protect and take
care of their children often lack: they may neglect the child’s need to face
challenging situations to stimulate his hidden resources.
Shaping Challenges
You can shape challenges so that they stimulate thinking,
perception, sensitivity and strength, while simultaneously giving care and
attention to your child. The key lies in giving your child the emotional
support, at the same time leaving it to him to complete as many challenging
tasks as possible.
It is important to adjust the challenge to the stage of the
child’s development as to target approximately the upper limit of her current
abilities, just a little exceeding her “zone of comfort”, enough to make it
problematic and not easy, but not so difficult for the child to get discouraged
and to start doubting herself. Children do it spontaneously, always reaching a
little more, always trying to go a little further and better. Observe your child
carefully in order to find out if the challenge suits him. If the child is at
least partially interested and motivated, you can continue. If you notice that
he shows strong sings of stress or fear, maybe it is best to wait a little.
Provide as many different challenges as possible: ranging from
the physical ones (dressing, tying shoes, including children in household
tasks), intellectual (e.g. buy a book of puzzles or games that require thinking,
teach the child to read or to speak a foreign language as early as possible – a
two or a three-year old child can slowly get used to recognizing letters, and at
the age of four many children are ready to start reading) up to social tasks
(solving relationship and communication related problems).
Children Love Games
Try to think them out in form of games as often as possible.
Avoid offering ready-made solutions to the child, it is better to help the child
come up with solutions by asking sub-questions. Encourage it to create as many
solutions as possible, e.g. “Johnny is ridiculed by other children at school.
Think about at least 10 different things that Johnny could do about it?” Follow
the child’s thinking process about this problem and help him/her with
sub-questions such as: “Which negative consequences can you think of? Who other
could you include? What is important to know about other people and why are they
doing what they are doing? Have you forgotten something? Can some of these
solutions be improved?”
Certainly, a lack of time is a problem for many parents.
However, you do not have to sit the entire day with your child asking him/her
such questions. It is enough to ask several questions while you are doing
something else or to take advantage of situations when your child has a real
problem. You can use time during lunch breaks at work or the ride back home from
work to think about new challenges for your children.
Allow Life to Happen
Let your child occasionally get hurt, scratched or burnt,
especially if he/she is ignoring your warnings. This won't have long term
consequences, but the child will learn to better control his movements and
decisions and to assess his abilities and the consequences of his actions more
accurately. Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm advising things like letting
the child run out to the highway or drink your nail-polisher. Everything in
moderation.
Do not attempt - except very exceptionally – to solve his conflicts
with other children instead of him. Children can cope with the unpleasantness of these
conflicts – actually, many people go through many more difficult social
experiences as children, than as adults – quite successfully, if they have your
emotional support and encouragement. However, you can help them to think about
these conflicts and their possible solutions.
Emotional Support
Avoid trying to make your child’s life easier in terms of
daily tasks. As soon as he/she becomes able to do something – eat, dress up, go
to school alone – do not do it instead of him/her except in exceptional cases.
What is important is emotional support and acceptance, avoiding verbal or
non-verbal critique, except when it is necessary. Emotional support is the key
and foundation for your child's ability to cope with life. You will make your child’s and
your own life easier – the child’s in the long term, and yours both short and
long term.
In such a way, by applying extra effort and awareness,
you can help children build firm foundations and strong stepping-stones for
creating an above-average and high quality life on all levels.
Coaching with
Kosjenka
© Kosjenka Muk, 2005-2012
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