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Are you interested in personal growth? Would you like coaching
or training on emotional maturity?
This transcript is from our coach training, on resolving
abuse and trauma.
Online Coaching
Transcript
During a training in Systemic Solutions in Warsaw (Poland)
for coaches, therapists and counselors, Martyn Carruthers taught and
demonstrated ways to help people recover lost resources, or
parts of a person’s identity that were split off, usually during
childhood trauma ... Martyn calls this identity loss.
Most people seem to have split-off resources, and many people
suffer inner conflict between these dissociated parts. Some people, during an
extreme crisis or a series of lesser incidents, may split off so much of
themselves that there seems to be little left. Martyn often calls this extreme
lost identity.
(Such parts have been called ego-states by
Berne and complexes by Freud). The symptoms of this identity loss may
be diagnosed as stress disorders, borderline schizophrenia,
bipolar disorder or depression depending on the diagnostic
model used by the therapist (although laboratory tests cannot confirm
or deny their diagnostic opinions).
This methodology for integrating identity loss is part
of Martyn's systemic coaching. He teaches ways to recognize and resolve different
types of identity loss. During this portion of a coach training:
- Martyn spoke in English, which was translated into Polish.
- The demonstration subject spoke in Polish, which was
translated into English.
- The class included people from Canada, Poland,
Czech Republic and Macedonia.
- Martyn asked for someone with a
non-private conflict to be a demonstration subject.
- Amanda (not her name) volunteered, and sat at the front
of the class, facing the class. (Amanda is a TV producer in a large Polish
city.)
- Martyn and Amanda briefly discuss privacy and how
Martyn can talk to the class about theory and Amanda’s non-verbal
behavior without disturbing her.
- Martyn cautioned the group that strong emotions that
were denied for years may re-appear.
- Martyn cautioned the group to generally avoid any popular
or New Age dissociation techniques.
If you experience strong emotions
as you read this, you may have experienced some trauma in which you
lost access to part of yourself.
Would you like to benefit
from our experience?
Transcript
Martyn: Amanda, you know that I prefer
to teach theory AFTER demonstrations – it keeps me
honest! Let’s start. Do you know what you want?
Amanda: Obviously, I want to lose weight! [laughs]
I want to get rid of my desire to eat everything!
Martyn: Get rid of it? Really?
Amanda: [Amanda moves her legs, scratches her left
arm with her right hand, gently taps the toes of her right foot on the
floor and stares at the ceiling] Of course!
Martyn: [to class] Asking ‘Really?’ can allow
you to check for non-verbal objections to the goal. Amanda showed a cluster
of non-verbal signals - did any of these signals convey unconscious objections
to her stated goal? We can only guess – we don’t know yet!
[To Amanda] Convince us, Amanda, why should we believe you?
Amanda: There are moments in my life when there are two Amandas.
One eats all that food [Amanda gestures with her left hand downwards to her
forward left] and the other talks to the first one that what she does is
not right. [She gestures with both hands simultaneously at chest level
a little to the right]
Martyn: [to class] Tylko rozumiem mały po polsku [I only
understand little Polish], so I watch carefully how Amanda answers and
later I try to make sense of her translated words. Amanda started talking and gestured
to her left in front of her with her left hand about the Amanda that “eats all that
food”, and then used both hands together when she talked about her inner voice.
At that moment you could guess that parts of Amanda communicate conflict
non-verbally. Now you can see which part of herself Amanda may want to control
– and whether that part is mature or age-regressed!
[In Martyn’s model of non-verbal
communication, gesturing downwards to the forward left likely indicates a
young child, an adult who acts like a child, or a dissociated
childish part of a person.]
Amanda: The other part of me is a voice.
Martyn: Whose voice does this
remind you of?
Amanda: It's my own voice!
Martyn: Good; what does this voice-part of you want?
Amanda: Something like understanding and acceptance.
Martyn:
Which one first? Does this part of you want: understanding first and then
acceptance, or acceptance first and then …
Amanda:
[points with her right hand to her left hand] Understanding, and then
acceptance.
Martyn: Thank you.
[To class] You may have noticed that Amanda’s right hand
signals about what her
left hand wants. [He points with his right finger to his left
hand, and speaks for the right hand] “This part [the left hand] wants
understanding, and then acceptance.” Amanda nonverbally indicates that perhaps the
right-hand-part might may want to help or control the left-hand-part.
Or: "understanding, and then acceptance”
may be the opinion of the right-hand-part about what the left-hand-part
should do, again indicating that the left-hand-part may be age regressed
or resourceless, and the right-hand part may be more resourceful.
[To Amanda] Amanda, take a
moment to feel that left side of you, the part that wants to eat. How
old do you feel when you start eating more than you want?
Amanda: Nineteen.
Martyn:
Take a moment and remember teenage Amanda. What was happening in your life?
Was life full of happiness?
Amanda: I have a feeling of pressure, lack of space …
Martyn: Can you remember teenage Amanda under pressure?
Was this the first time that teenage Amanda felt that type of pressure?
Amanda: [ signs of trance ] Uhmmmm ...
Martyn: [To class] This is an example of
transderivational search, which is useful for finding forgotten trauma,
repressed abuse and lost resources. We can find out
what is going on. Amanda said that her pressure originated in her teenage
years. I would be surprised if it appeared so late in life. Amanda also said
“I have a lack of space.” Let’s check that feeling.
[To Amanda] “Can you go back before that? Did you
feel that pressure; that lack of space, before?”
Amanda: [pause]: Consciously, I think
I do not remember. [She slouches slightly]
Martyn:
Of course you don’t remember, [slows voice tempo] maybe nothing
happened, or maybe something happened that you did not want to remember,
or maybe you only saw something ... Some things that we forget control
our lives. Sometimes we even forget that we forgot. Maybe you even don’t
need to ... remember ... consciously ... [Amanda straightens her
posture and Martyn returns to his normal voice tempo] and
what age comes to your mind?
Amanda: Six. [gesturing to her left]
Martyn: Thank you. Maybe you will never remember what
happened. Maybe it’s not even important. If you imagine you can see this
6-year old Amanda on your left side ... what would she look like?
Amanda: It’s quite a sad child.
Martyn:
Can you ask this sad child if she wants to talk to you? [Amanda nods]
Can you imagine looking into the eyes of sad little Amanda and
asking her why she is so sad?
Amanda: She feels that nobody notices her.
Martyn: Maybe she’s right. Maybe her parents are too
busy with each other. Maybe she enjoys hiding. Maybe she does not want
people to notice her. What does little Amanda want?
Amanda: She prefers to hide.
Martyn: Can you ask her what she is hiding from?
[Amanda’s posture becomes trance-like. Martyn again slows his voice
tempo.] Maybe little Amanda is playing a game? Maybe she thinks
somebody will hurt her? Maybe there’s something she does not want to see?
Is she hiding from something?
Amanda: She’s hiding from her parents’ conflict.
Martyn: [normal voice tempo]
It can be sad for a little girl to see her parents’ conflict. What is
the easiest way for her to not see her parents’ conflict?
Amanda: To turn her face toward the wall.
Martyn:
Perhaps little Amanda has been waiting for thirty years with her face toward
the wall, waiting for somebody who loves her to tell her, “Hey, it’s safe
now! You can come home!” [Amanda's features slacken and she gazes
into space] … I’ll talk to the class for a moment …
[To class] I was just asked how to make friends with parts
of a person that a person does not like or does not want. I cannot expect
Amanda to like to the part of her that makes her eat, “Oh how I
love you, wonderful part of me that makes me eat!” I’d expect the
opposite.
Instead, I can find out what’s going on in a friendly way.
Now I can talk to a six-year-old part of
Amanda – as if to a young girl who is hiding to avoid her parents’ conflict.
This might be called an ego-state in transactional analysis or
a complex in Freudian circles
or an Inner Child. Let’s stay with Amanda’s
metaphor and imagine that a child-Amanda was lost – and can be found.
Martyn: [pretends to talk to class but
non-verbally directs his communication to
Amanda] Maybe Amanda is ready to love that part of her self. Or maybe
Amanda would prefer to continue hiding that part of herself. That part
has been hidden for thirty years, so maybe she can let it stay hidden …
[Amanda stiffens, then cries while shaking her head]
[To class] I just checked a theory with provocation.
With a bit more provocation we may need a bucket and a mop.
[To Amanda] Amanda, look at the little
girl who you once were, in your mind. Perhaps she’s been holding your left
hand for a very long time, perhaps she has signaled you in different ways
and she wants to try to make you feel good, and she’s only 6 years old. What
did her mother do to her to help her feel loved?
Amanda:
[laughs] My mother cooked for me! [shocked voice]
My mother showed her love for me with food!
Martyn: Perhaps little Amanda has been showing
her love to YOU the best
way she knows. Every time she wants you to eat, maybe she’s
communicating, “I love you. Please notice me.”
Amanda: [laughs in tears]
Martyn:
Imagine you can see little Amanda, can you say to her, “Dear
little Amanda, I’ve grown up. I’m a woman now, and I have a child
of my own older than you.” What would little Amanda say?
Amanda: She is confused.
Martyn: Yes. Does she accept that you’ve grown up?
Amanda: No! She doesn’t believe me!
Martyn:
Can you ask her to sit on your legs, and to lean back against your chest? And
remember that this is that horrible part of you that MAKES … YOU … EAT!
Amanda: [laughs and moves her hands as if
holding a child on her lap]
Martyn: You are a TV producer, so this may be easy for you:
Imagine making a TV show in your mind, so that little Amanda can watch your TV
show and understand some of the things that you have done since you were six.
Imagine watching the TV show together. Maybe show her your student years ...
your marriage ... the birth of your son .... and some highlights of your
career in television.
Amanda: [smiles widely]
Martyn:
Can you also show her some of your disappointments and mistakes, so
that she can see that you have lived your life the best that
you can without her?
Amanda: [frowns – then her eyes moisten again]
Martyn: Can you ask little Amanda, in her opinion,
what is missing in your life?
Amanda: She thinks that full love is missing.
Martyn: Ask little Amanda if she would enjoy
helping you find full love?
Amanda: [nods]
Martyn: Can she teach you how to love yourself?
Amanda: [nods]
Martyn: Would she tell you to love yourself
by eating?
Amanda: [opens her eyes wide, and opens her
mouth as if to speak – but is silent. She nods.]
Martyn: Or maybe she has other ideas too?
Amanda: [smiles and nods]
Martyn: Ask her for some other ideas how she
can teach you to love yourself.
Amanda: [cries] It is too hard for me at
this moment …
Martyn: OK ... maybe we should stop …
Amanda: No!
Martyn: You win. What other ideas does she have about
teaching you to love yourself?
Amanda: [taps her right foot and scratches her
left arm with her right fingers]
Martyn: [To class] Notice some possible objections
here! It looks like her right side is signaling again!
Do You Want Results?
Martyn: [To Amanda] I have an idea that some part
of your body may be saying, “No! If you love yourself, maybe something
awful will happen.” Maybe you will become an egoist. Maybe
nobody will like you, or maybe you’ll have to do
something you don’t want to do.
[To class] When coaching, I use a lot of
“maybe” provocations and … [Amanda suddenly looks shocked]
… and I call that the “BONNNG” effect.
[To Amanda] What’s going on?
Amanda: Nothing … well … I just thought
of something … something private!
Martyn:
OK. Can we come back to little Amanda - what are her ideas? [pause]
Or maybe she doesn’t want to talk?
Amanda: Another way of sharing love would be
to spend time in nature. And dance.
Martyn: Which one first?
Amanda: Simultaneously!
Martyn:
Dancing in nature! Wonderful! And feel the love of this part of you
who wants to love you; how can you love this young part of you?
Maybe she thinks that nobody loves her. Maybe she’s right.
Amanda: [shakes head]
Martyn:
How does she want you to love her? Maybe she only wants food.
Is that what she wants, more food?
Amanda: No, she doesn’t want any more food.
Martyn: Maybe she has a better idea?
Amanda: Walks. She wants me to express my love
for her by taking her for walks in nature.
Martyn:
Great, and maybe you can show each other love when walking together. Ask
little Amanda, where in the whole world she’s always wanted to take a walk?
… Maybe she’s always wanted to walk in the Sahara Desert …
Amanda: To Green Mountain! [A holiday resort in western Poland]
Martyn: Beautiful. Can you imagine that she is a
real little girl, and that you can walk a path with her on Green Mountain,
and that you share all the beautiful
things you discover on this path? Maybe you can dance in the mountain
forests…
Let her choose where she would like you to take
her next. What would be
a great happiness for her? What would she like to do?
Amanda: To go to Aqua Park.
Martyn: Perhaps you can imagine taking her to
Aqua Park, and go together on all those wonderful rides, maybe play
together… Does she change in this beautiful place? Is she still
six years old?
Amanda: Yes.
Martyn: Maybe say to her that she can stay
six as long as she likes. Perhaps tell her that
you can love her now, no matter what age she is.
Amanda: She looks livelier now.
Martyn:
Look at this lively little girl. Maybe tell her how lively she is. My
question is: can you give her all the love that she wants? Maybe all the
love that her parents never gave her? What do you think?
Amanda: [nods head]
Martyn:
OK. Consider what you are learning ... you are learning
how to love yourself! You are learning how to enjoy a part of
yourself that you have rejected! How do you feel?
Amanda: Shocked! I HATED the side of me that always wanted
to eat! And now [softens face and posture] … I feel like
I’ve ignored a very important part of me
for a long time. It will take time to get to know her again.
Martyn: Good. And perhaps you can continue this later,
in the exercise, in your thoughts, in your dreams …
thanks so much, Amanda.
Amanda: Thank you! [She returns to her chair in the seminar room]
Martyn: [To class] An important piece of our coaching is
finding and befriending parts of a person that the person does not like. I find
this to be a great way to help people to resolve trauma, abuse and other crises.
This was only one step, however. There are likely other parts involved with
compulsions and obsessions such as over-eating or smoking etc. I’d expect a
complex conflict with more than two parts. You might
have to repeat this a few times with different parts – and then either coach
a “parts party” or "integration goalwork".
If a person has
complex conflict, you can coach
sequential integrations and then resolve the underlying relationship
bond. We will cover relationship bonds in
Systems 5
(a relationship bond can be described as a taboo identity belief
or a false identity that is needed for a relationship to continue).
Amanda expressed a huge amount of information non-verbally.
If you kept your nose in your notebook – you missed half of this demonstration.
Verbal exchange is only part of our systemic work. If you wait
for your clients to TELL you everything, you may wait for a very long time.
Do you remember how to coach people to quickly dissolve “Yes – No”
objections (a client says YES, or states a goal but also signals NO
non-verbally)? If you did the homework, you should be able to dissolve
“Yes – No” objections in your sleep! If you are a helping professional,
most of your clients will express multiple Yes - No objections – or
it's unlikely they would be clients!
Coaching Complex Conflict - Transcript
Online Coaching
Plagiarism is theft. © Martyn Carruthers, 2002-2012 All rights
reserved
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