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We offer telephone coaching and professional
training on emotional coaching,
relationship happiness, and resolving relationship stress.
Are you Stressed?
Stress is a fact of life. You deal with it
- or you deal with its consequences. Good solutions for stress
include supportive relationships, effective planning, regular exercise
and a healthy diet. Some fixes are worse than the problems - many people
take psychoactive drugs to try to solve relationship problems.
Stress-reduction workshops are useful for
assessing stress and providing information about the consequences of stress and
relaxation techniques. However, in a few weeks after such workshops, people stop using the
information; and in less than three months, it is mostly ignored or forgotten.
We can help you create a peaceful space
for long-term systemic stress relief, by providing a period of emotional
stability in which you can resolve or plan to resolve stressful issues.
Stress Disorders .
Burnout .
Breakdown .
Jet Lag
Managing Emotions in Human Systems
Many people withhold emotions that, if expressed, could
create problems. Withholding emotions increases stress. Much stress is not a
result of work, or circumstances, but from withheld emotions that may
not be expressed. Withheld emotions usually represent a desire or need to balance
justice and injustice within a human relationship system such as a family, team
or community.
The emotions that most often contribute to
stress are anger, sadness, anxiety and guilt. If a
person expresses these emotions - a person may act irrationally
and damage people, objects or self. If a person suppresses
these emotions, these withheld emotions are associated with
chronic disease, heart attacks and relationship
problems. Solutions are not found at the level of the problem.
Short Term Solutions for Stress
Common solutions for controlling emotions
include distractions (TV, videos, gambling, etc), sport activities
(gym, aggressive games, jogging), psychoactive
medications (including nicotine, alcohol and caffeine) and
dissociation (self-hypnosis and suggestion). The resulting emotional
control is usually short-term, and continued use may result in obsessive
or addictive behavior. Longer term resolution of withheld
emotions requires a different type of intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence and Stress
The chaotic expression of unexpressed emotions can damage
both personal and professional lives. When unexpressed emotions are finally
expressed - they may result in criminal violence, suicide, agoraphobia,
chronic depression, split personality or nervous breakdown.
Even infinite coaching is unlikely to do more
than dissociate emotions. Long-term solutions require that
justice be perceived, and/or that underlying
systemic entanglements be diagnosed and changed.
Systemic Coaching and Stress
We assess relationship health and emotional stability
of individuals, couples, families and/or families.
Three of our diagnostic tools are:
- Relationship Diagnosis: assessing relationships
and consequences of past relationships
- Trauma Diagnosis: assessing current consequences
of significant emotional events
- Goal Diagnosis: assessing current consequences
of future expectations and goals
Results of these diagnostic tests can be cross-checked to
ensure accuracy and relevance.
Systemic Relationship Diagnosis
To better assess and predict relationship
behavior, we use a sophisticated diagnostic tool, a systemic
matrix. A systemic matrix refers to the collective perceptions of
a relationship system, from multiple perceptual positions, over time.
A systemic matrix allows rapid diagnosis and changework planning.
Dissolving systemic entanglements leads to a profound
sense of peace and integrity - a sense of self, sense of family, sense of
mission and sense of life - for extended periods. This sense of integrity or
Soul is available to all responsible individuals, couples or families.
Psychobiology of
Integrity . Depression
Systemic Relationship Entanglements
Systemic entanglements are both the cause and effect of
relationship patterns. The consequences of systemic entanglements include
conflicts, accidents, illness and death. Motivated and responsible people can
effectively use this information to dissolve their entanglements.
Children and irresponsible adults may only excuse,
blame, complain and justify their entangled behavior. Appropriate solutions
include therapeutic metaphors or systemic interventions. However,
most people will suffer before they seek help. For many people,
suffering is a step towards health.
Parents who recognize the symptoms of Identity Loss can
predict problems, get help early and protect their families from the
consequences of relationship and emotional chaos.
Identity Loss
People in human systems are alert to justice, and respond in
predictable ways to perceived injustice. The responses of people in families will reflect
family's history and parental style, and the examples set by
older family members. People in business or organizational teams will reflect
the team's history and management style. A common response to injustice include short or
long-term identity loss:
- Cannot express own life choices
(Identification)
- Cannot make decisions without deep conflict (Identity
Conflict)
- Cannot describe, feel or express emotions (Lost
Identity)
- Cannot change behavior (Identity Bonds)
1. Identifications & Injustice in Systems
A member of a family may identify with
another member who is perceived as treated unjustly. Some
common identifications have predictable sets of symptoms, with a
range of severity:
- Victim identification:
chronic anger,
suspicion and possibly external violence
- Dead person identification: chronic
sadness, melancholy and possibly suicide
- Hero identification: chronic fear, anxiety
attacks and possibly agoraphobia
- Dependent identification: chronic guilt,
self-sabotage and possibly chronic depression
People with identifications may present seemingly
unpredictable emotional outbursts, although a search for the emotional triggers
often indicates the type of identification and a systemic solution. In extreme
cases, a person who loses emotional control may be called psychotic.
2. Identity Conflict
A person may simultaneously identify with two people (often parents)
who treat each other unjustly. We call this Identity
Conflict. A common description is split personality. A person
with identity conflict is often untrustworthy, with behavior oscillating
between two polarities. A decision or promise made by one polarity
may be forgotten or ignored by the other.
One side of identity conflict may be
super-rational and the other immature. Attempts to dissociate
(cut off) a disliked polarity tend to increase the conflict. A person who
develops amnesia of the polarity changes may be diagnosed with
bipolar disorder or multiple personality disorder.
3. Lost Identity
A person may lose the ability to describe
emotions, and later to feel emotions, and later lose sense of self. We call
this Lost Identity. A common description of severe cases may be called nervous
breakdown or mental breakdown.
Most people with Lost Identity can function (perhaps in a
robot-like manner), which may be an advantage in situations requiring compliance
and prompt obedience. (Some military training seems to produce identity loss
as a basis for creating compliant and obedient killers.)
4. Relationship (Identity) Bonds
People who stay in a relationship or family system despite
having good reasons to leave are often emotionally bonded. Typical identity
bonds manifest as helplessness and hopelessness - with beliefs such as
"I must do as I am told" or "I
cannot leave". This behavior is typical in people who dislike their
family or who dislike their work or some organization, yet feel bonded to it. See
Exit Coaching
Systemic Coaching
Our telephone coaching and coach training offers lasting benefit
for people who want less stress and healthy relationships.
We offer you insights into how people integrate and express
justice, love and bonding contributes to the life journeys of individuals
and to the survival of families.
Your telephone coaching helped me experience
and manifest a profound sense of justice and dignity, kindness and compassion,
humility and connectedness. AJ Flynn, Boston, USA
Copyright © 2001-2009 by Martyn Carruthers. All rights reserved. |
Telephone Coaching
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