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Everybody needs help sometimes. When adults
with children remarry, the children are often confused and sometimes anxious.
They may feel that they have lost a parent and gained chaos. Parenting
a blended family without guidance can lead to conflicts, toxic family behavior and
obsessions.
Children After Divorce
After separation and divorce, many partners marry again. If
one or both new partners have children, they may form a new, blended
family. Many remarrying parents naively assume or hope that their children
will effortlessly merge with a new partner's children. Love should be enough, right?
While the partners may experience joyful anticipation, their children
may feel uncertain and stressed. What are their new step-siblings like? What
about their relationship with their missing parent? What is this new
parent like? Many children will
withdraw and some will act out strong emotions.
During a family breakup and the creation of a merged
family, stressed children may become burdened with
learning disabilities and emotional problems
that may be hidden until adolescence.
Merging or Blending Families
When parents attempt to create a new family, custodial
parents may hope that their children will enthusiastically agree with their choice
of new partner. They may also expect that their children will automatically
understand and agree with their
reasons for separating from their ex-partners.
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My parents divorced when I was 12 and I
stayed with my mother. I remained distant to my step-father even though he was
good to me. It was years before I could truly respect and listen to him. Now I
see him as a very good man. Anglesey, Wales |
It is useful to remember that each child is 50% of the other
parent, and that children want to be loyal to both parents. Children may
react as if any criticism or rejection of the other parent is criticism and
rejection of half of themselves. (Many children hide their emotional pain
until adolescence.)
A large piece of feeling part of a family are the
feelings of connection often called love or emotional attachments or bonds. Children
may feel stressed if told to pretend that strangers are family. Children
may be unable to make their feelings comply with their parents' wishes.
Most new partners have different experiences and
different parenting skills. People with no parenting experience may suddenly find
themselves as step-parents to teenagers. Expect family stress as new
parents struggle to catch up on years of parenting skills. Some step-parents
may try to leave all parenting to the biological parent or to the female partner
... who may resent this lack of partnership.
Expectations
Expect conflicts over discipline and changed rules, and
expect teenagers to complain and resist change. Children from one birth order
may not want to accept another birth order. An oldest son may suddenly have an
older step-brother. A daughter may suddenly be expected to look after younger
step-siblings. Children are often stressed if they must change
their places in a family hierarchy.
Before the attempted merger, each family had ways of
doing things. They had rules and roles. Any changes in these boundaries
may seem uncomfortable and even feel wrong. While children may not
accept or adjust new rules and roles easily, a lack of boundaries signals that
the parents don't care. Give children your time, care and attention ... and set
limits. Teenagers may leave anyway.
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After my parents divorced, my mother married
a man with four children. My mother and step-father decided to live in a very
rural area. We were six city kids ... we all left as soon as we possibly could.
I was 17 ... Derby, England |
Children who must change homes, districts and schools may withdraw.
They may feel alone and abandoned. They may resent being encouraged to work together.
Older children may want to spend more time with their friends and minimize time
at home. Some may leave home at the first opportunity.
The intimacy and attraction between the new partners may foster
attractions between maturing stepsiblings. Older stepsiblings may be attracted to
each other, creating confusion and guilt. They may deal with these feelings by
avoiding each other, by fighting - or by becoming intimate. There is also the
risk of a teenager and new stepparent developing fantasies about each other.
Possible Solutions
The new family may have different rules about
internet use, homework, curfews and television. Parents are unlikely to please
everyone. In some stepfamilies, each parent manages their own children, while
others may combine rules from both previous households.
- Do the parents have the appropriate knowledge on family
development and
requisite step-parenting skills ... or do they need coaching, classes or books?
- Parents talk to (not nag or lecture) their children.
Many challenges of stepfamilies are normal adjustments. Parents can make
space for all family members to talk to one another about problems, solutions,
concerns, goals and plans at family meetings.
- Family meetings are a time when everybody can talk about
goals, needs and solutions. Parents shouldn't expect their ideas to be
gratefully accepted immediately (or at all).
- Parents can meet privately to discuss their marriage,
children, parenting beliefs and other concerns.
- A parent with emotional or behavioral problems, especially if
the new partner cannot help with those problems, can consider getting
help.
- It is pointless to ask children to
just accept their new reality - unless you can show the children
why and how to accept it - and the consequences of rejecting it.
- Help children communicate their goals and needs clearly
(e.g. I want a bigger bedroom; or I must have peace when I do my
homework).
- Expect conflicts ... for example, older children may want
more time with friends while parents may want more family togetherness. How
much time does each get? How is this decided? Who decides? How is this
enforced?
- Listen to children carefully. Agree on common goals that can unite a family (e.g.
family vacations) and help all move in the same direction. Listening and
willingness to adjust help a stepfamily develop the tolerance and flexibility
needed to survive - let alone prosper.
Some parents have favorite or special children.
Often a father favors the youngest daughter
(Daddy's
Princess), while a mother may prefer the eldest son
(Little Prince).
During separation or divorce, the favored or special children may
react more strongly than the other children - perhaps convinced that they
somehow initiated or caused the parents' problems.
- Build and reinforce feelings of inclusion and harmony
- Respect your children's need for private space and time
- Consider moving to a home that neither has lived in before
- Dress codes - e.g. no walking around the house in underwear
- Make it clear that romantic interests must be outside the home
- Establish the stepparents as substitutes rather
than replacements
Parents can avoid asking children - including teenagers -
for advice about partnership, money, custody or legal issues. Parents can
reassure younger children that decisions are for their best interest, and
ask older children for their thoughts and feelings - and tell them that
although final decisions will be made by the parents, their opinions are important.
Prevent
Learning Disabilities .
Adjustment Disorders
. Parental Alienation
If you are blending a family... be realistic ... children spell
love T - I - M - E. Children need to time to trust and depend on you.
Expect to invest a lot of time, energy, time, love, time and affection. And
time.
We can help parents prevent or alleviate some toxic
situations, for example:
- If a parent acts like a failure, children may respond with
chronic fear
- If a parent acts resourceless, children may try to
grow up too quickly
- If a parent blames them, children may act out
to discover what is true
- If a parent acts like a victim, children may
respond with chronic anger
- If a parent is dead or absent, children may respond with
chronic sadness
- If parents force children to take sides,
children may respond with deep conflict
We often suggest that both parents have individual coaching
(perhaps by Skype) to resolve individual issues, and then couple coaching sessions
together, to resolve partnership issues. We coach both partners understand,
appreciate and accept each other's perspectives, motivations and goals and to
make informed, mature decisions for the family.
Online Couple Coaching & MentorshipPlagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2008-2012 All rights reserved
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