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Raising a daughter exposes the mother's maturity -
and immaturity.
Here we describe solutions for motherhood
and common mother-daughter problems.
For years I have studied and developed solutions for
entanglements between parents and children (emotional incest) and between
siblings. My descriptions and conclusions
about the dynamics of intra-family codependence may seem uncomfortably
close to the lives of many people. If you feel strong emotions as you read this
... please relax and distract yourself ... and consider seeking help.
Becoming a Woman
Many women
have difficult relationships with their mothers and their daughters, even when they want good
relationships. A mother may say that she wishes her daughter's happiness, yet from
a daughter's point of view - she acts quite opposite. A daughter may feel feel criticized
for her choices, for example in education, career, boyfriends and partners.
And a mother may feel blamed by her daughter for everything that happens with the
daughter's education, career, boyfriends and partners.
Few parents intend to abandon, abuse or neglect their children.
Most parents have
good intentions and nurture and protect their children through childhood.
We help families build clear, healthy relationships, which can reunite parents with their adult children,
especially if they have problems communicating with each other.
Troubled Teenage
Girls . Father-Daughter Bonding .
Mother-Son Fixation
Mothers may advise their daughters to be realistic by preparing
for unfulfilling lives - while supporting their sons' dreams of success. Many women recognize
the difficult behavior of their mothers, yet find themselves responding to their own
daughters with similar demands and barely controlled emotions.
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My Mom blames her mother for her life problems
- but Grandma was a really good woman, wise and kind, although she did prefer my
uncles to my Mom. And Gran used to say that her mother always favored her
brothers ... girl children were expected to marry and disappear. |
Sometimes chains of entanglement seem to go back many generations.
Even family patterns that have been repeated for many generations can have
solutions. We have solutions for such trans-generational entanglements.
Of course, these issues may seem rather minor compared to what
can and sometimes does happen between mothers and daughters ...
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2005 AP Okeechobee, Florida. - A mother
was arrested, accused of selling a 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and
trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car. The 39-year-old woman ... was charged
with two counts of aggravated child abuse and two counts of sexual performance
by a child. She was held in the Okeechobee County Jail ...
2008 Philadelphia police arrested a mother-daughter
pair accused of working together as prostitutes. The mother, 38, and daughter,
22, were escorted by police from their home as neighbors applauded.
“It’s a messed up world,” the mother said as she was led away. The daughter's three children, ages 3 to 7, were nearby with a baby-sitter. |
In the event of mother-daughter
emotional incest, a mother sexually bonds to a daughter. This can be
devastating for a girl, and later, as a woman, she may feel unable to bond with a male
partner ... or with any partner. As an adult she may fear being perceived as
lesbian; and if lesbian, she may wonder how much her sexual orientation was
created by her abuse.
(We consider female pedophiles to be at least as dangerous as
males, as they can better roam freely and are rarely suspected or recognized, although they can
cause great emotional damage to children.)
Changing Worlds
Many parents consider that their own childhood was normal,
and try to impose their childhood norms onto their children. But as the world changes ...
and so does the sense of What is Normal? (Children may ask parents
questions starting with, "In the old days, when you were a child ... ?")
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Parent’s Generation
- Economic depression was normal
- Repressive conservatism was normal
- Nuclear families were normal
- Early marriage was normal
- Basic education was normal
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Children's Generation
- Economic recovery is normal
- Political chaos is normal
- Varied family structures are normal
- Delayed marriage is normal
- Higher education is normal
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Daughters and Rivals
Many families are dominated by mothers. A strong woman arguing with
a strong partner is relatively healthy, if the children are excluded. Unfortunately children
are often drawn into their parents' conflicts (see Parental
Alienation). If the parents are too immature to resolve their problems,
children may try to protect one parent from the other.
A young daughter may believe that her mother is a victim of a
bad father, and sympathize with her mother. If a daughter agrees with
her mother's criticism of her father, mother may accept her daughter. As an adult,
the daughter may seek a partner who is like her perception of her father, and treat
him in much the same way as her mother treated her father.
Such a daughter may ask a dangerous
question ... "Is it possible that my father is OK?" The more a
daughter perceives her father as OK, the more she may be criticized by her mother. We have discussed this with hundreds of women from many
countries. Many have said that even as small children they heard long hours of mothers'
complaints and criticisms. They learned that complaining and criticizing
are normal female ways to communicate. They saw their fathers' angry reactions
to their mother's scorn and contempt - and consider anger to be normal male
behavior.
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"Who can be happy?" is often a political issue in unhealthy families. An unhappy mother
may try to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or
enmeshed daughter may sabotage her own happiness to avoid being
happier than her mother. |
Motherhood
Most mature mothers enjoy the responsibilities of motherhood.
Immature mothers
complain about their limited freedom, justify their childish behavior, and may
verbally and/or non-verbally reject
their partners,. Some immature mothers bond to their children so much that they
destroy them.
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My brother was 14 when our father left, and he tried to take my
father's place ... he became my mother's best friend. He never really had a
girlfriend but his intelligence seemed to have burned out by the time he was 26
... Despite his university degree, he worked in a
factory and now drives a city bus. (See Little Prince.)
Liverpool, UK |
Daughters with mother-fixations often show low emotional intelligence.
As women, they may be unable to work in teams or maintain adult partnership. A daughter may try to
partner or parent
an immature mother, but unlike a son, daughters often seem to hide their intellect and delay
their maturity.
Intra-Family Codependence
For years we have studied and developed solutions for emotional incest
- especially entanglements between parents and children, and between
siblings. Our research, descriptions and conclusions
about the dynamics of intra-family codependence seem uncomfortably close to the reality of many people.
A mother may have
unrealistic expectations about her daughter, for example:
- My daughter will like me and be like me
- My daughter will love me above all others
- I can mold my daughter into an ideal woman
- We can have the relationship that I always
wanted with my mother
When these hopes are not realized, the mother may
despair that her dreams cannot be fulfilled. The daughter may feel rejected for
who she is - and only acceptable if she repeats her mother's scripts.
Adolescence & Young Adulthood
Some mothers try to relive their youth through their daughters' lives.
They may try to be their daughters' best friends. A mother may try to motivate her
daughter to fulfill her own unaccomplished goals, and may immerse herself
into her daughter's life. The daughter may fight to establish and protect her own identity - or
the daughter may lose identity and identify with her mother.
Most teenage daughters want their mothers to listen. They
often want
their mothers' approval but they may not want to ask mother for approval. Most daughters
want assurance that they are loved for who they are - not for what they may
do, who they may become or for who they may marry.
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I am 28 ... my arguments with my mother
leave me exhausted ... I want her to listen to me - not just give the
same old advice that I heard from my grandmother ... often I feel judged or not good enough
and then I avoid talking to my mother about anything. Atlanta, USA
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Independent Women
Most mothers provide the essential nurturing for a newborn to survive and develop emotionally.
Children who blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or
inappropriate behavior may remain children emotionally despite the age
of their bodies. Common questions of adult daughters are:
- Who am I if I am not my mother?
- Why do I seek my mother's approval?
- Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
- Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
- What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
A daughter's transition to womanhood requires female sharing and
caring. A mother can support her daughter's experiences in partnership. When daughter's
first child is born, most daughters welcome their mother's physical and emotional
support. A daughter may feel independent at around age 30.
Tips for Mothers
- Accept your children as unique human beings
- Evaluate your life goals apart from
your children
- Avoid blaming your children for your own problems
- Do not expect your children to change for your comfort
- Be aware of the passing years - encourage your children
to grow up!
Do you want coaching or training?
Do you want to resolve parenthood and other relationship challenges?
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