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Teresa Mocna, trainer of Soulwork
systemic coaching, provides private sessions and seminars and
workshops on systemic coaching, motherhood, resolving
family chaos and responsible relationships.
Me Mother - You Daughter
Many women have difficult relationships with
their mothers and daughters, even when they want good relationships.
A mother may wish her daughters happiness, yet - from the point of view of
her daughter - she acts quite opposite. A mother may describe her daughter's
choices as failures, criticizing hairstyle, college, clothes and friends.
A mother may advise her daughter to be realistic by preparing for an unfulfilling life
- while giving very different messages to her sons.
[ Troubled Teenage
Girls ] [ Mothers On The
Run - Blog ]
Many adult women recognize the difficult
behavior of their mothers yet find themselves
criticizing their own daughters, with endless demands and
barely controlled emotions.
Daughters and Rivals
Many families are dominated by a mother. A strong
woman arguing with her partner is relatively healthy, if the children
are excluded. Unfortunately the children may be drawn into the family
politics of fighting parents. The birth of a child is always important.
If the child is son, and the new mother not stable, she may cling
to her child as a perfect love-object. If the child is a
daughter, a lonely father may find a willing recipient for his
unexpressed love.
A daughter may become a substitute woman-friend for
mother, although, if the parents do not solve their problems, a daughter
may protect an immature father from a complaining mother.
If a mother agrees with her own mother's opinion about
her husband, mother may accept her daughter as an equal. A young
daughter may believe the mother to be a victim of a "bad" father, and
sympathize with mothers. An adult daughter may keep this belief though
life, finding a partner who is like father, and treating him in much the
same way as her mother treated her husband.
[
Father-Daughter Bonding ] [
Mother-Son Bonding ]
A daughter who sees this game may ask
dangerous questions: is it possible that my father is OK? The more
daughter expresses this new perception of father, the more criticized
she is by mother.
As a therapist and Soulwork trainer, I
have talked with hundreds of women about this. Many say that not only
their fathers get angry, leaving the room, watching TV, smoking, or
drinking, but even they as small children they heard long hours of
mothers' complaints. As little girls they learned that complaints are
normal.
Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and
immaturity. Mothers and daughters have problems relating to each other.
Sometimes daughters may blame their mothers for their own life problems.
But most mothers do not abandon, abuse or neglect their daughters; and
most mothers do nurture and protect their daughters through childhood.
Happiness is a political issue in many families. An
unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's
happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously
sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.
Soulwork systemic coaching encourages and enables
acceptance and clarity in difficult relationships. Acceptance and
understanding can reunite mothers and daughters who have problems
relating to or even tolerating each other.
Health Problems
Some health problems associated with toxic
mother-daughter relationships are: addictions, anorexia, anxiety,
bipolar disorder, bulimia,
delayed maturity, depression, infertility, miscarriages, obsessions,
overweight, schizophrenia and suicide. Such daughters may also suffer:
- Drug and alcohol abuse
- Teenage pregnancy
- Sexual dysfunction
- Sexually transmitted diseases
- Relationships with abusive men
Motherhood
Some mothers want and enjoy the responsibilities of motherhood.
Others may radiate complaints, justifications and excuses, as they express
their lost independence and suffering to whoever might listen. Their
diminished responsibility may have heavy consequences for their children.
A son may try to "partner" or "parent" an
immature mother, becoming prematurely mature. Like fireworks, these boys may
burn out in their mid 20's. Despite intelligence and education, they may be
be content with undemanding work, such as factory work or
driving a bus. See Mother's Little Prince.
Such sons often show low emotional intelligence.
These young men can neither work in teams
nor maintain a partnership. Martyn Carruthers refers
to such men as mother-bonded.
A daughter may also try to "partner" or
"parent" her immature mother, but unlike a boy, she may hide her
intellect and delay her maturity to show her mother that her mother is not so bad.
Mothers who try to impose their own childhood on
their daughters may experience a rude awakening. The world has changed ...
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Mothers’ Generation
- Economic depression was normal
- Repressive conservatism was normal
- Nuclear families were normal
- Early marriage was normal
- Basic education was normal
|
Daughters’ Generation
- Economic recovery is normal
- Political chaos is normal
- Varied family structures are normal
- Delayed marriage is normal
- Higher education is normal
|
Intra-Family Codependence
Martyn Carruthers and I have studied
emotional incest - common
entanglements between daughters and
fathers; and between sons and mothers.
Our research, descriptions and conclusions about intra-family
codependence hit home and seem uncomfortably close to the
reality of many people.
The relationship cycle of mothers and daughters may seem
simple:
- Conception: A fetus is conceived
- Birth: A baby girl is born
- Infancy: The daughter fixates on her mother
- Childhood: Mother teaches daughter how to
be female
- Adolescence: Daughter pushes away from
mother to find independence
- Partnership: Daughter selects and attracts
a partner
- Motherhood: Daughter becomes pregnant and
gives birth
Daughters who partner or parent their fathers may be motivated
to hide their intelligence, ambition and potential - from their family, friends
and even from themselves. Descriptions of women who are bonded to their fathers
is available at
Daddy's Princess.
Mothers' Perspective
A mother may have
unrealistic expectations, for example:
- My daughter will like me and be like me
- My daughter will love me above all others
- I can mold my daughter into an ideal woman
- We can have the relationship that I always
wanted with my own mother
When these hopes appear
unattainable, the mother may feel desperate and angry, despairing that
her dreams cannot be fulfilled. The daughter may feel rejected for who
she is - and only acceptable if she repeats her mother's scripts.
Adolescence
Some mothers try to relive their youth through
their daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' friends. A mother
may try to fill her daughter's life with her own
unaccomplished goals, and may over-immerse herself into her daughter's life.
A daughter may fight desperately to protect her own identity - or
the daughter may identify with her mother.
Most daughters want a mother who will listen. They may want
their mothers' approval but may not ask mother for approval. Daughters
may want assurance that they are loved for who they are - not for who
they may become. Mothers can find ways to affirm
young women who are emerging from
childhood.
Young Adulthood
Mother-daughter conflicts leave both
women feeling lonely. This is a time for a mother to listen more than
talk. Mother's experience is more easily accepted she will
listen with compassion. A daughter who feels judged or "not good enough"
may avoid asking for coaching and advice.
A daughter's young adulthood can be wonderful time for
both. Childhood and adolescence are past. Daughters think they are
adults and sometimes even behave like adults.
Independent Woman
Mothers provide nurturing and security for a newborn
human to survive physically and develop emotionally. Beyond that, a
new human has many other resources and opportunities. Some
children may blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or
inappropriate behavior. These children remain children despite the age
of their bodies.
Adults take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions
and actions. Some questions of a mature daughter may be:
- Who am I if I am not my mother?
- Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
- What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
- Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
- Why do I want my mother's approval?
A daughter's transition to womanhood requires female
sharing and caring. A mother can support her
daughter's experiences in partnership. When daughter's first child
is born, most daughters welcome their mother's physical and emotional
support. A daughter may feel independent at around age 30.
Role Reversal
There may come a time when the daughter becomes a
caregiver to the mother. This can be a stressful time, perhaps with
a decision "Should I put Mom into a nursing home?" Do you want
help?
Tips for Mothers
- Accept your children as unique human beings
- Avoid blaming your children for your problems
- Be aware of the passing years -
let your children grow up
- Do not expect your children to change for your
comfort
- Evaluate your desires and life goals apart from
your children
Relationship Coaching ...
Systemic Coach Training ...
Your Next Step
Do you want relationship coaching or
systemic coach training? Do you want to coach people to resolve
relationship challenges? Do you want to coach people to fulfill
their dreams? Contact us.
Copyright Teresa Mocna 2003-2008; All rights
reserved |
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or telephone: +4 860 275 8295 or +38 591 881 2682