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Raising children exposes
the parents' maturity - and immaturity.
Here we describe solutions for motherhood
and some mother-daughter problems.
We help
motivated adults dissolve emotional entanglements between parents and
children (emotional incest) and
between siblings.
We often hear that our conclusions about family dynamics are uncomfortably close to the lives of many
people from cultures and countries all over the world.
If you feel strong emotions as you read our
article ... please relax
... and consider seeking help.
Girls Become Women
Many women
tell us about difficult relationships with their mothers and their daughters,
even though they want good relationships. A mother may say that she wants a
daughter to be happy, yet from a daughter's point of view - she acts quite
opposite.
Daughters may feel feel criticized for their choices,
for example in education, career, boyfriends and partners. And mothers
may feel blamed by their daughters for everything that happens with their
daughters' education, career, boyfriends and partners.
Few parents want to abandon, abuse or neglect their
children. Most parents have good intentions and nurture and protect
their children through childhood. We help parents build clear, healthy
relationships, which can reunite families,
especially if the family have problems communicating with each other.
Troubled Teenage
Girls . Father-Daughter Bonding .
Mother-Son Fixation
Mothers may advise their daughters to be realistic
by preparing for unfulfilling lives - while supporting their sons' dreams
of success. Many adult daughters recognize their mothers' conflicts and bias,
yet find themselves responding to their own daughters with similar
demands and barely controlled emotions.
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Mom blames her mother for her life problems
- but Grandma was a really good woman, wise and kind, although she liked my
uncles more than Mom. And Gran used to say that her mother always favored her
brothers ... daughters were expected to marry and disappear. |
Chains of limiting beliefs and unpleasant
emotions often seem to cross generations. We help families change their family
traditions and solve trans-generational habits and entanglements. And these issues may seem minor compared
to what sometimes happens between mothers and daughters.
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2005 AP Okeechobee, Florida. - A mother
was arrested, accused of selling a 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and
trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car. The 39-year-old woman ... was charged
with aggravated child abuse and sexual performance
by a child.
2008 Philadelphia police arrested
a mother-daughter pair accused of working together as prostitutes. The mother,
38, and daughter, 22, were escorted by police from their home as neighbors
applauded. The
daughter's children, ages 3 to 7, were nearby with a baby-sitter. |
Sometimes a mother sexually bonds to a daughter
(emotional incest) which can be devastating
for a girl. Later, as a woman, she may feel unable to bond with a male
partner ... or with any partner. As an adult she may fear being perceived as
lesbian; and if lesbian, she may wonder how much of her sexual orientation was
created by her mother's abuse.
Female pedophiles
are at least as dangerous as
males, as they can better roam freely and are rarely suspected or recognized,
although they can cause great emotional damage to children.
Changing Worlds
Most people seem to believe that their own childhood was
normal, and they may try to impose their childhood norms onto their
children. But as the world changes ... so does the sense of What is Normal?
(Children may ask parents questions starting with, "In the old
days, when you were a child ... ")
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Parent’s Generation
- Early marriage was normal
- Basic education was normal
- Repressive conservatism was normal
- Nuclear families were normal
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Children's Generation
- Delayed marriage is normal
- Higher education is normal
- Political chaos is normal
- Varied family structures are normal
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Daughters and Rivals
Many families are dominated by mothers. A strong woman arguing
with her strong partner can be healthy, if the children are excluded.
But immature parents draw children into their conflicts (Parental Alienation). If the parents
cannot resolve their own problems, their children may try to protect
one parent (seen as a victim) from the other (labeled as a victimizer), with
unpleasant consequences.
A daughter may believe that her mother is a victim of a
bad father, and sympathize with her mother. If a daughter supports
her mother's criticism of her father, they may feel more closely bonded.
As an adult, the daughter may unconsciously seek a partner who is like
her perception of her father, and treat him in much the same way as her
mother treated her father - and drag her own children into their fights.
Such daughters may ask ... "Is it possible that my father is OK?" The more
a daughter perceives her father as OK, the more she may be criticized by
her mother. Many women told us that in their families, complaining and criticizing
were normal female communications. They also saw their fathers' frustrated and angry reactions
to their mother's contempt - and considered anger to be
normal male behavior.
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"Who can be happy?"
can be a political issue in unhealthy families. A depressed mother
may seem to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or
enmeshed daughter may sabotage her own happiness to avoid the guilt
of being happier than her mother. |
Motherhood
Most mature mothers enjoy the responsibilities of
motherhood. Immature mothers complain about their limited freedom,
justify their childish behavior, and may verbally and/or non-verbally
reject their partners,. Some immature mothers bond to their children
so much that they destroy them.
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My older brother was 14 when our father left ...
he tried to take our father's place ... he became our mother's best
friend. He never really had a girlfriend ... despite his university
degree, he worked in a factory and now drives a city bus. He's 46 now
and still lives at home with our mother. (See
Little Prince.) Liverpool, UK |
Daughters fixated on their mothers may show low
emotional intelligence and be unable to work in teams or maintain healthy
partnerships. Entangled daughters often seem to delay their maturity.
Intra-Family Codependence
For years we have studied and developed solutions
for covert emotional incest -
especially between parents and children, and between
siblings. We notice that some mothers have
unrealistic expectations about their daughters, for example:
- My daughter must like me and be like me
- My daughter must do some
things that I always wanted to
- We will have the relationship that I always
wanted with my mother
When these hopes are not realized, a disappointed mother may blame her daughter for
her emotions. The daughter may feel rejected for
who she is - only acceptable if she repeats her mother's scripts.
Adolescence & Young Adulthood
Some mothers try to relive their youth through their
daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' best friends. A
mother may try to motivate her daughter to fulfill her own unaccomplished
goals, or try to immerse herself into her daughter's life.
The daughter
may fight to establish her own boundaries and protect her own identity - or the daughter
may lose access to her own identity, identify with
her mother or become a mother her mother.
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Jeśli Bóg nie chce abym cierpiał - to by
temu zaprzestał. Bóg chce abym był czysty.
Nie będę zażywał leków na mój ból ... moja córka dba o mnie.
Warszawa, Polska
(If God does not want me to suffer -
He would end it. God wants me to be pure.
I won't take drugs for my pain ... my daughter takes care of me ...
Warsaw, Poland)
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Most teenage daughters want their mothers to listen.
They often want their mothers' approval but they may not want to ask
mother for her approval. Most daughters want assurance that they are loved for
who they are - not for what they may do, who they may become or for who
they may marry.
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I am 28 ... my arguments with my mother
leave me exhausted ... I want her to listen to me - not just give the
same old advice that I heard from my grandmother ... when I feel judged or not
good enough I avoid my mother.
Atlanta, Georgia
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Independent Women
Daughters who blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or
inappropriate behavior may remain children emotionally despite the age
of their bodies. Common questions of adult daughters are:
- Why do I still seek my mother's approval?
- Is it OK for me to be happier than my mother?
- What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
Most daughters will appreciate their mothers' care (but not criticism)
especially as they gain experience in partnership and parenthood.
Most daughters will welcome their mother's support (but not control)
especially when they
are pregnant and when their children are born.
Tips for Mothers
- Accept your children as unique human beings
- Evaluate your life goals apart from
your children
- Avoid blaming your children for your own problems
Click HERE for Help with Mothers
and Daughters
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