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Solutions for Emotional Incest: Little Prince - Part 1
Mothers, Sons and Lovers by Martyn Carruthers

Would you like to benefit from our experience?       

Do you Suffer from Covert Emotional Incest?

I started writing a summary of mother-son relationships in 1998, while I was trying to make sense of  the many men and women who try to cope with destructive relationship habits. My biggest lessons were that 1) emotional incest is unconscious, that 2) bonded people cannot imagine that they cause suffering, and 3) bonded people feel too special to change.

Little Prince Part 2 ... Peter Pan Grows Up
Little Prince Part 3 ...
Sons and Lovers

Early family relationships are probably the most influential relationships throughout life,
and can lead to confusion throughout life. We help motivated adults dissolve the unpleasant consequences of early family chaos as they develop their own maturity.


Telephone & Skype Coaching for Emotional Incest

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What is Mother-Son Emotional Incest?

Men fixated on their mothers are commonplace, although the consequences of this fixation can be severe. Does a man in your life show signs of mother fixation? This fixation may be about a real mother - or about an idealistic mother that the man wished for. Such men are often difficult to live with - and while it's not their fault, they can choose to change or they can choose to stay bonded. If they stay bonded, they will suffer certain consequences. Does a man in your life ...

  1. obsess about his mother?
  2. strongly react to criticism?
  3. expect women to serve him?
  4. demand devotion - not just love?
  5. not commit to happy partnership?
  6. damage other people's relationships?
  7. show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
  8. act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
  9. expect other people to fulfill his life for him?
  10. brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
  11. have obsessive interests and few social skills?
  12. chase women - quantity not happiness is important?
  13. not show anger - but may attack or sabotage people?
  14. act impotent, perhaps with penile erection dysfunction?
  15. act like a narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves?
  16. show intellectual brilliance but little practical application?
  17. obsess about a daughter or about young, immature women?
  18. do many of these things repeatedly yet energetically deny them?
  19. avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or relationship therapy?
  20. believe that he knows more than professionals with years of experience?

We find that five or more of these common signs of mother's boys predict endless suffering
for these men, for the women whom they entangle - and for their children.

THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER
  Car bumper sticker seen in Hawaii

Few mother-bonded men want to change - they prefer to feel special.

Mother-Son Fixation / Obsession

If parents love children in ways that are more appropriate for partners, the consequences may be severe. Many adult children of immature parents show signs of  emotional incest throughout their lives. As adults, they may remain immature, often enmeshing their own children with passive-aggressive and codependent behavior. We coach partners and their families to solve relationship problems and find emotional maturity.

I lived with a mother's boy for 7 years. I left him last year but it still hurts and I still feel betrayed. I feel like I had a long affair with a married man. I tried to get him to ask you for coaching, but he said he didn't need help, and that he could sort out his own problems, if he had any. Florida, USA

Many parents have good intentions and immature parenting skills. Many parents complain that their partners act like children, or like tyrants, or that their partners are physically or emotionally absent. Entangled people often blame their parents, criticize their partners and complain about their children. They rarely recognize that their partners and children respond to their own emotional immaturity.

My husband was more a child than a man. He avoided decisions and only wanted to play ... I liked his childishness until we had a baby, but he resented our son ... after three bad years I divorced him, but I felt like I abandoned a child. After a few sessions with you my guilt disappeared ... I am free to find a mature man. Hawaii, USA

Are you Entangled with a Man who is Entangled with his Mother?

Cross-generational bonds, obsessions and fixations, such as between mothers and sons, or fathers and daughters, are common. Covert emotional incest is more likely if one or both parents:

  • were missing, chronically ill, dysfunctional or dead
  • were victimized or controlled by other family members
  • were addicts, obsessed or had strong mental health problems
  • were irresponsible, childish or would not provide mature guidance

I described some solutions for the consequences of toxic parenting at Prevent Learning Disabilities and Parental Alienation. Also, emotional incest between fathers and daughters is common - see Daddy's Little Princess. For more on how to resolve toxic family entanglements see Emotional Incest.

My parents divorced when I was young ... I became the man of the house at 12, and perhaps my mother's best friend. During our coaching I realized that I avoided commitment and partnership all my life. I truly believed that  I was special. Now I am ready to be an ordinary responsible man and a good husband. Newport, Wales

The Little Prince

In a strange and faraway country, every boy believes that his mother is a virgin,
and every mother believes that her first son is God.

Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, Mother likely enjoyed her femininity and the attention of her family. But when Baby was born, family attention shifted from Mother to Baby. Mother felt ignored, and was perhaps diagnosed with postpartum depression. This mother regained her family's attention, approval and respect by becoming a Super-Mom to her newborn child.

My boyfriend is a 42 year old child. All I hear is that he doesn't want to disappoint his mother. Until recently he lived with his parents. He never does chores around the house. He is just there. He telephones his mother all the time. He phones her when he leaves, when he arrives and in between. He can't make a commitment. He comes and goes as he pleases. He lives with me or he goes home. He gets upset if I talk to him like to an adult. North Carolina, USA

The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, especially if he depended upon his wife to provide meaning for his life. He may feel that his baby is a rival. He may withdraw from his wife’s need for intimacy, support or responsibility. He may become depressed and/or have sexual or intimate affairs.

Your Little Prince describes my ex-husband. You could add passive-aggressive to the profile, and include stubbornness and denial. I will avoid mother's boys in the future. London, UK

A Super-Mom must see her son as special. Mother may encourage Son to make a special contribution to the world that Mother cannot make. Mother's expectations help balance her emptiness - for Mother to feel special, Son must be very special - or risk losing his Mother's support and love.

Shortly after my son was born I realized that my life purpose
is to prepare him for his destiny.
Hawaii, USA

Mother may dedicate her life to her Son. Such sacrifice is expected in many cultures - the family may applaud her holiness, and Son may call Mother a saint. Son may defend Mother and attack anybody who does not recognize Mother's special holiness ... especially Father.

Young children accept their parent's beliefs, no matter how illogical, as unquestionable facts.
A son perceived as special by his mother may form a cult of two people.

Sons bonded to Mothers often form codependent couples. If a codependent partner finds independent happiness ... or another partner ... the other partner will experience crisis. Codependent Mothers and Sons often remain emotionally retarded as they grow older - especially if they live together. Neither can make decisions independent of the other.

My ex-boyfriend is 48 yrs old and he husbands his mother. He never married and had few relationships with women. He lives with his mom and has not worked for 15 yrs. He cannot show affection and he said he has castration anxiety. He is passive aggressive and a recluse. I left him. He is an angry man and he cannot connect emotionally. I had to leave him for my sanity. He would not talk to you ... your coaching got me over all this. Philadelphia, USA

Freud, Oedipus Complex and the Little Prince

If a lonely mother sees her son as special, she can renew her sense of life. Mother may reward Son for being special, and Son rewards Mother by feeling special. Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult obsessions (and sexual fantasies); perhaps fulfilling Father’s fear that "My son is my rival". If Son becomes Mother's emotional partner, he may be unable to commit himself to partnership.

Freud wrote that every boy has an Oedipus Complex - every boy represses his sexual desire for his mother and his jealousy toward his father and experiences emotional conflicts. This may be Freud's autobiography, or a facet of Central European culture at Freud's time. We find these conflicts in men from families where mothers were confused between Sons and Lovers.

Consequences for Mothers and Sons

Many mother's boys fear not being special enough and dread Mother's rejection. If people do not appreciate Son’s specialness, Son may attack (become a compulsive bully) or withdraw (become an obsessive nerd). Son may become a passive good boy to please Mother. Or he may rebel against Mother to please Father - perhaps becoming aggressive or delinquent. If he swings between two extremes - he may be labeled passive-aggressive - or sometimes as having bipolar disorder.

The feeling that they are more important to mother than father makes them feel that they are wonderful, and since they are already grown up and need not do anything to establish their greatness because - and as long as - mother loves them ... Erich Fromm

Many men complain that they were not properly mothered. They may complain that they were not loved in the right way, or not long enough, or that their mothers were absent or preoccupied. Such men often show many mother-bonded behaviors, and often act like adolescent or teenage boys in adult bodies.

If a woman threatens to leave him, a mother-bonded man may freak out - and act like an out-of-control child - perhaps reliving some childhood crisis of abandonment or rejection.

My wife's therapist suggested that I read your Little Prince article ... my mother preferred my older brother ... my wife treats me like her son ... my wife is the wonderful mother I never had ... nothing is wrong ... we have a perfect marriage ... I don't know why is she depressed Paris, France

The consequences of emotional incest include addictions, obsessions, schizophrenia and suicide. The consequences also include intellectual men who cannot maintain a happy partnership, and holy men who reject partnership - often to search for (spiritual) Fatherhood or oblivion. The consequences include the burned-out shells of real boys who gave up - who lost themselves to mediocrity or to drugs.

You offered to help me change what you called emotional incest ... but I like my lifestyle and who I am. Normal people are boring ... I am different ... I like being special! Seattle, USA

The more Mother needs a special child-man - the less space for a real boy. During adolescence, as healthy young men prepare for partnership and parenthood, a Little Prince may be unable to consider a committed adult relationship. (Mother-fixated sons are often very intelligent, but delay emotional maturity - sometimes by decades).

I tried to love him - I really did ... but he didn't know what to do with my love ... and he didn't want to learn. His heart and mind were always with his mother. Vancouver, Canada

You need not feel alone. We can help motivated adults clarify their relationships, and change beliefs such as ...

  • Lost Identity:  "NO - I will withdraw, dissociate or run away from life!"
  • Identification: "I cannot be me - I identify with a missing family member!"
  • Mother-Bonded: "YES - I will be the special child-man that Mother needs!"
  • Simple Conflict: "Sometimes I withdraw - sometimes I am Mother's child-man!"
  • Identity Conflict: “Sometimes I act like Father and sometimes I act like Mother!
  • Relationship Bonds: "To stay alive and sane I must believe that ..."

What happens to a Super-Mother?

  1. She may be called a saint - venerated for her sacrifice, by her son. (Even after her death her son may remain fixated on her, never enjoying emotional freedom.)
  2. She may be called a demon - especially by her son's wife - distrusted for her emotional outbursts and behavior. (Yet a fixated son may identify with her and repeat her behavior).
  3. If her bonded son finds a partner, a Super-Mom may suffer a crisis of rejection and may try to overtly or covertly sabotage his partnership.
  4. If her bonded son leaves home, a Super-Mom may emotionally adopt a younger man (perhaps as a protégée or as a lover).
  5. A Super-Mother may blame her parents, partners and children for her problems

We can help her and her family dissolve toxic entanglements and bonds, gain independent happiness and recover her sense of life - independent from her son.

See: Sexual Solutions, Relationship Bonds and Sexual Abuse

... sincere thanks ... I found validation and understanding for my and my husband's roles in our marital problems. My husband is aggressive when he cannot avoid responsibility. I recently had health problems and asked my husband for help. MAJOR fighting began. My husband cannot accept any role for me that is NOT Mother - he martyrs himself as an abused son ... You offer me hope that I can again live, love and laugh. THANK YOU. Georgia, USA

Part 2 ... A Little Prince Grows Up

We help motivated adults to untangle family chaos - fixations and obsessions -
and find emotional freedom.

We do not try to change immature people who do not want to grow up. We do not try to make people become responsible ... we can point out the consequences to themselves and to others. When those people have suffered enough ... we are here.

Would you like to benefit from our experience?

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, 1998-2010 All rights reserved.



 

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America: Dragonfly, PO Box 675, Honaunau, Hawaii, 96726 USA
Europe
: Centar Angel, Trnsko 13A, 10020 Zagreb, Croatia
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Workshop

Systemic Coach Training

Systems 1 How to evaluate relationships and recognize common entanglements
Systems 2 How to define life goals, and identify blocks, objections & conflicts
Systems 3 How to continue goalwork using interactive metaphors and Dreamwork
Systems 4 How to dissolve the consequences of abuse and trauma and rebuild motivation
Systems 5 How to change limiting beliefs and codependence for emotional freedom
Systems 6 How to recognize and resolve identity loss: recover lost qualities and lost skills
Systems 7 How to heal therapist or spiritual damage and provide inspirational mentorship
Systems 8 How to coach partners to build lasting happiness (and to separate peacefully)
Systems 9 How to coach parents to resolve family problems
Systems 10 How to coach team leaders and teams ... together
Systems 11 How to coach community leaders and communities
Specialty Advanced workshops and specialty training tailored to your goals

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We coach and train people to define and achieve goals, to resolve emotional blocks and to improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. You must get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.