Mother-Son Emotional Incest - Part 1
Mothers, Sons and Lovers © Martyn Carruthers 1998-2013

Online Relationship Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

We coach men to end self-sabotage and enjoy partnership.
We help women understand and predict mother-bonded men.

Little Prince 2 ... Mothers, Sons and Lovers
Mothers & Sons 2 ... Peter Pan Grows Up
Mothers & Sons 3 ... Sons and Lovers
Fathers & Daughters ... Daddy's Girls

I began this summary of mother-son relationships while trying to understand why so many men sabotage their own happiness. Some of my lessons were: 1) most self-sabotage is unconscious, 2) mother-bonded men may not care if they hurt others, 3) men close to their mothers may feel too special to change.

Our relationships with our mothers may be the most influential relationship
of our lives, and cause life-long relationship habits. We help people
change childhood habits and develop their emotional maturity.

Why do some men fixate on their mothers?

Most boys fixate on their mothers until adolescence but some men obsess about their mothers for decades. Although the consequences can be severe, few men recognize the consequences, fewer seek solutions and very few follow through.

Do you cause friends and family to suffer because
you have emotional problems and you won't get help?

Here's a quick check. (If you are a man - ask female friends to honestly rate you). If you have five or more YES answers, maybe investigate further. Does a man ...

1. obsess about his mother?
2. strongly react to criticism?
3. attack or sabotage people?
4. expect women to serve him?
5. demand devotion (not just love)?
6. not commit to happy partnership?
7. damage other people's relationships?
8. show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
9. act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
10. obsess about young, immature women?
11. brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
12. have obsessive interests and few social skills?
13. try to rescue married women from their husbands?
14. hunt women - quantity not happiness is important?
15. act like a narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves?
16. avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or relationship therapy?
17. believe that he knows more than professionals with years of experience?

These common signs of covert emotional incest predict years of suffering
for these men, for the women in their lives and for their children.

THE ONLY WOMAN I TRULY LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER Car bumper sticker seen in America

If a parent relates to a child in unhealthy ways, the consequences can be severe. Many children of immature, depressed or dissociated parents express obsessions and compulsions throughout their lives. And as adults, they may enmesh their own children - perhaps with self-sabotage, passive-aggressive or codependent behavior. Contact us to change these habits and develop your emotional maturity.

I lived with a mother's boy for 7 years. I left him months ago but I still hurt
and I still feel betrayed. I feel like I had a long affair with a married man.
I wanted him to ask you for coaching, but he always said that he
would fix his own problems, if he had any. Florida

Many parents have immature parenting skills. They may complain that their partners act like children, or like tyrants, or that their partners are physically or emotionally absent. Such parents may seek the love they need from affairs - or from their children.

Entangled adults often blame their partners and complain about their children. They rarely recognize that their partners and children are responding to their immaturity. And in some families, emotional immaturity is normal, expected behavior.

My ex-husband is a child. He avoided decisions and only wanted to play ...
I liked his childishness until we had a baby, but he resented our son ...
after three bad years I divorced him, but I felt like I was abandoning a child.
After our sessions my guilt disappeared and I stopped trying to mother him. Hawaii

Are you Entangled with a Man who is Entangled with his Mother?

Cross-generational bonds, obsessions and fixations seem more likely when parents do not enjoy being together. When you were young, were your parents:

• separated or divorced?
• irresponsible or immature?
• addicts, depressed, bipolar or suicidal?
• miserable - but stayed together anyway?
• missing, chronically ill, dysfunctional or dead?

I described solutions for some of these rather common issues in Prevent Learning Disabilities and Parental Alienation. Emotional incest between fathers and daughters is also common - see Daddy's Little Princess.

Little Prince "Triangles"

In a strange, faraway country, many boys believe that their mothers are virgins,
and their mothers believe that their first sons are God.

This story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, the mother likely enjoyed the attention of her family. But when her baby was born, family attention shifted from mother to baby, and the mother felt ignored. She may have regained her family's attention and respect by becoming a Super-Mom.

My boyfriend was a 42 year old child. All I heard was that he didn't want to disappoint his mother.
He never did chores around the house and he phoned his mother all the time.
He phoned her when he left, when he arrived and in between.
He would get upset if I talked to him like to an adult. North Carolina

The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, especially if he depends on his wife to provide meaning for his life. He may even feel that a boy baby is a rival. He may avoid his wife’s need for intimacy, support or responsibility. He may become depressed and/or obsess about sexual or intimate affairs.

Your Little Prince describes my ex-husband. You could add passive-aggressive to the profile, also broken promises and denial. I will avoid mother's boys in the future. London

Next ... The Little Prince - Part 2

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Manage Your Emotions & Solve Relationship Problems Have You Suffered Enough?  Where are you now? Assess your fixations, bonds and enmeshments What do you want? Know your life goals and how you sabotage yourself Do you feel resourceful? Find your lost resources by dreaming together Which emotions block you? End relationship problems and mentor damage Do your beliefs limit you? Change your limiting beliefs and end dependence Do you feel empty? Resolve identity loss to recover your lost resources Is your partnership happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully) Are your children healthy? Happy parents can better manage family problems Do you want team success? Team leaders and top teams can develop together Do you have other goals? Specialty coaching & training

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2013 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people solve emotional problems and relationship issues to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work.