Do you Suffer from Covert Emotional Incest?
I started writing a summary of mother-son
relationships in 1998, while I was trying to make sense of the many men and women
who try to cope
with destructive relationship habits. My biggest lessons were that 1) emotional
incest is unconscious, that 2) bonded people cannot imagine that they cause
suffering, and 3) bonded people feel too special to change.
Early
family relationships are probably the most influential relationships throughout
life,
and can lead to confusion
throughout life.
We help motivated adults dissolve the unpleasant consequences
of early family chaos as they develop their own maturity.
What is Mother-Son Emotional Incest?
Men fixated on their mothers are commonplace,
although the consequences
of this fixation can be severe. Does a man in your life show signs of mother
fixation? This fixation may be about a real mother - or about an idealistic
mother that the man wished for. Such men are often difficult to live with - and while it's not
their fault, they
can choose to change or they can choose to stay bonded. If they stay bonded,
they will suffer certain consequences. Does
a man in your life ...
- obsess about his mother?
- strongly react to criticism?
- expect women to serve him?
- demand devotion - not just love?
- not commit to happy partnership?
- damage other people's relationships?
- show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
- act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
- expect other people to fulfill his life for him?
- brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
- have obsessive interests and few social skills?
- chase women - quantity not happiness is important?
- not show anger - but may attack or sabotage people?
- act impotent, perhaps with penile erection dysfunction?
- act like a narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves?
- show intellectual brilliance but little practical application?
- obsess about a daughter or about young, immature women?
- do many of these things repeatedly yet energetically deny them?
- avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or relationship therapy?
- believe that he knows more than professionals with years of experience?
We find that five or more of these common signs of mother's boys predict
endless suffering
for these men,
for the women whom they entangle - and for
their children.
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THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER Car bumper sticker seen in Hawaii
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Few mother-bonded men want to change - they prefer to feel special.
Mother-Son Fixation / Obsession
If parents love children in ways that are more appropriate for partners,
the consequences may be severe. Many adult children of immature parents show
signs of emotional incest throughout their
lives. As adults, they may remain immature, often enmeshing their own children with
passive-aggressive and
codependent behavior. We coach partners and their families to solve relationship problems and find
emotional maturity.
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I lived with a mother's boy for 7
years. I left him last year but it still hurts and I still feel betrayed.
I feel like I had a long affair with a married man. I tried to get him to ask
you for coaching, but he said he didn't need help, and that he could sort out
his own problems, if he had any.
Florida, USA |
Many parents have good intentions and immature parenting
skills. Many parents complain that their partners act like children, or like
tyrants, or that their partners are physically or emotionally absent.
Entangled people often blame their parents, criticize their partners
and complain about their children.
They rarely recognize that their partners and children respond to their own
emotional immaturity.
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My husband was more a child than a man. He avoided
decisions and only wanted to play ... I liked his childishness until
we had a baby, but he resented our son ... after three bad years I
divorced him, but I felt
like I abandoned a child. After a few sessions with you my guilt
disappeared ... I am free to find a mature man. Hawaii, USA |
Are you Entangled with a Man who is Entangled with his
Mother?
Cross-generational bonds, obsessions and fixations, such as
between mothers and sons, or fathers and daughters, are common. Covert emotional incest is more likely if one or both parents:
- were missing, chronically ill, dysfunctional or dead
- were victimized or controlled by other family members
- were addicts, obsessed or had strong mental health problems
- were irresponsible, childish or would not provide mature guidance
I described some solutions for the consequences of toxic parenting
at
Prevent Learning Disabilities and
Parental Alienation.
Also, emotional incest between fathers and daughters is common - see
Daddy's Little Princess. For more on how to resolve toxic family entanglements see
Emotional Incest.
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My parents divorced when I was young ...
I became the man of the house at 12, and perhaps my mother's best friend. During
our coaching I realized that I avoided commitment and partnership all my life. I
truly believed that I was special.
Now I am ready to be an ordinary responsible man and a good husband. Newport, Wales |
The Little Prince
In a strange and faraway country, every boy believes that
his mother is a virgin,
and every mother believes that her first son is God.
Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, Mother likely
enjoyed her femininity and the attention of her family. But when Baby was born,
family attention shifted from Mother to Baby. Mother felt ignored, and
was perhaps diagnosed with postpartum depression. This mother
regained her family's attention, approval and respect by becoming
a Super-Mom to her newborn child.
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My boyfriend is a 42 year old child. All I hear is
that he doesn't want to disappoint his mother. Until recently he lived with his
parents. He never does chores around the house. He is just there. He telephones
his mother all the time. He phones her when he leaves, when he arrives and in
between. He can't make a commitment. He comes and goes as he pleases. He lives
with me or he goes home. He gets upset if I talk to him like to an adult.
North Carolina, USA |
The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, especially if he depended
upon his wife to provide meaning for his life. He may feel that his baby
is a rival. He may
withdraw from his wife’s need for intimacy, support or responsibility.
He may become depressed and/or have sexual or
intimate
affairs.
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Your Little Prince describes my
ex-husband. You could add passive-aggressive
to the profile, and include stubbornness and denial. I will avoid
mother's boys in the future. London, UK |
A Super-Mom must see her son as
special. Mother may encourage Son to make a special
contribution to the world that Mother cannot make. Mother's expectations help
balance her emptiness - for Mother to feel special, Son must be
very special - or risk losing his Mother's support and love.
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Shortly after my son was born I
realized that my life purpose
is to prepare him for his destiny. Hawaii, USA |
Mother may dedicate her life to her Son. Such sacrifice is expected in many
cultures - the family may applaud her holiness, and Son may call Mother
a saint. Son may defend Mother and attack anybody who does not recognize
Mother's special holiness ... especially Father.
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Young children accept their parent's beliefs, no matter how
illogical, as unquestionable facts.
A son perceived as special by his
mother may form a cult of two people. |
Sons bonded to Mothers often form codependent couples. If a
codependent partner finds independent happiness ... or another partner ... the
other partner will experience crisis. Codependent Mothers and Sons often remain emotionally retarded
as they grow older - especially if they live together. Neither can make decisions independent of the other.
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My ex-boyfriend is 48 yrs old and he
husbands his mother. He never married and had few relationships with women. He
lives with his mom and has not worked for 15 yrs. He cannot show affection and
he said he has castration anxiety. He is passive aggressive and a recluse. I
left him. He is an angry man and he cannot connect emotionally. I had to leave him for my sanity.
He would not talk to you ... your coaching got me over all this. Philadelphia, USA |
Freud, Oedipus Complex and the Little Prince
If a lonely mother sees her son as special, she can renew her sense of life.
Mother may reward Son for being special, and Son rewards Mother by feeling special.
Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult obsessions (and sexual
fantasies); perhaps
fulfilling Father’s fear that "My son is my rival".
If Son becomes Mother's emotional partner, he may be unable to commit himself to partnership.
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Freud wrote that every boy has an Oedipus Complex - every
boy represses his sexual desire for his mother and his jealousy toward his
father and experiences emotional conflicts. This may be Freud's autobiography,
or a facet of Central European culture at Freud's time. We find these
conflicts in men from families where mothers
were confused between Sons and Lovers. |
Consequences for Mothers and Sons
Many mother's boys fear not being special enough and dread Mother's rejection. If people do
not appreciate Son’s specialness, Son may attack (become a compulsive bully)
or withdraw (become an obsessive nerd). Son may become a passive good boy
to please Mother. Or he may rebel against Mother to please Father - perhaps becoming
aggressive or delinquent. If he swings between two extremes - he may be
labeled passive-aggressive - or
sometimes as having
bipolar disorder.
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The feeling that they are more important to mother than
father makes them feel that they are wonderful, and since they are already grown
up and need not do anything to establish their greatness because - and as long
as - mother loves them ... Erich Fromm
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Many men complain that they were not properly mothered. They may complain
that they were not loved in the right way, or not long enough, or that their
mothers were absent or preoccupied. Such men often show many
mother-bonded behaviors, and often act like adolescent or teenage boys in adult bodies.
If a woman threatens to leave him, a mother-bonded man may freak out -
and act like an out-of-control child - perhaps reliving some childhood crisis of
abandonment or rejection.
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My wife's therapist suggested that I read your Little
Prince article ... my mother preferred my older brother ... my wife treats me
like her son ... my wife is the wonderful mother I
never had ... nothing is wrong ... we have a perfect marriage ... I don't know why is she depressed Paris, France |
The consequences of
emotional incest include
addictions,
obsessions,
schizophrenia
and suicide.
The consequences also include intellectual men who cannot
maintain a happy partnership, and holy men who reject
partnership - often to search for (spiritual) Fatherhood or oblivion.
The consequences include the burned-out shells of real boys
who gave up - who lost themselves to mediocrity or to drugs.
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You offered to help me change what you called
emotional incest ... but I like my lifestyle
and who I am.
Normal people are boring ... I am different ... I like being special! Seattle, USA |
The more Mother needs a special child-man - the less space for a real boy.
During adolescence, as healthy young men prepare for partnership and parenthood,
a Little Prince may be unable to consider a committed adult relationship.
(Mother-fixated sons are often very intelligent, but delay
emotional maturity - sometimes by decades).
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I tried to love him - I really did ... but
he didn't know what to do with my love ... and he didn't want to learn. His heart
and mind were always with his mother. Vancouver, Canada |
You need not feel alone. We can help motivated adults clarify their relationships, and
change beliefs such as ...
- Lost Identity: "NO - I will withdraw, dissociate or
run away from life!"
- Identification: "I cannot be me - I identify with a missing
family member!"
- Mother-Bonded: "YES - I will be the special child-man that
Mother needs!"
- Simple Conflict: "Sometimes I withdraw -
sometimes I am Mother's child-man!"
- Identity Conflict: “Sometimes I act like Father and sometimes
I act like Mother!”
- Relationship Bonds: "To stay alive and sane I must
believe that ..."
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What happens to a Super-Mother? |
- She may be called a saint - venerated
for her sacrifice, by her son. (Even after her death her
son may remain fixated on her, never enjoying emotional freedom.)
- She may be called a demon - especially by her son's wife - distrusted for her
emotional outbursts and behavior. (Yet a fixated son may identify
with her and repeat her behavior).
- If her bonded son finds a partner, a Super-Mom may suffer a crisis of rejection
and may try to overtly or covertly sabotage his partnership.
- If her bonded son leaves home, a Super-Mom may emotionally adopt
a younger man (perhaps as a protégée or as a lover).
- A Super-Mother may blame her parents, partners and children for her
problems
We can help her and her family dissolve toxic
entanglements and bonds, gain independent
happiness and
recover her sense of life - independent from her son.
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See: Sexual Solutions,
Relationship Bonds and
Sexual Abuse
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... sincere thanks
... I found validation and understanding for my and my husband's roles
in our marital problems. My husband is aggressive when he cannot
avoid responsibility. I recently had health problems and asked my
husband for help. MAJOR fighting began. My husband cannot accept
any role for me that is NOT Mother - he martyrs himself as an
abused son ... You offer me hope that I can again live, love
and laugh. THANK YOU. Georgia, USA |
Part 2 ...
A Little Prince Grows Up
We help motivated adults to untangle family chaos - fixations and obsessions
-
and find emotional freedom.
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We do not try to change immature people
who do not want to grow up. We do not try to make people become responsible ...
we can point out the consequences to themselves and to others. When those people
have suffered enough ... we are here.
Would you like to
benefit from our experience?
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Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
1998-2010 All rights reserved. |
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