Do you Suffer from Emotional Incest?
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Your relationships with your early family are
the most influential relationships of your life.
Confused family relationships
lead to confusion throughout life; and the lives of your children.
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telephone coaching can bring the help you need right to your home.
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What is Mother-Son Emotional Incest?
Mother fixation is common and the consequences
can be severe. Does a man in your life show some of the common signs of mother
fixation? He might be difficult to live with - and while its not his fault, he
can choose to change or to stay bonded; and he chooses the consequences. Does he ...
- obsess about his mother?
- expect women to serve him?
- demand devotion - not just love?
- not commit to stable partnership?
- damage other people's relationships?
- show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
- act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
- brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
- have obsessive interests and few social skills?
- not show anger - but may attack or sabotage you?
- chase women - quantity not happiness is important?
- show intellectual brilliance but not practical application?
- act like a narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves?
- obsess about a daughter or about young, immature women?
- do many of these things repeatedly yet energetically deny them?
- avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or relationship therapy?
These signs of mother's boys predict
endless suffering ...
for the men
- for the women whom they entangle - and for
their children.
Few mother-bonded men want to change - they prefer to feel special.
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THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER! Bumper Sticker seen in Hawaii
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Mother-Son Fixation / Obsession
If parents love children in ways more appropriate for partners,
the consequences may be severe. Adult children of immature parents often show
signs of codependence throughout their
lives. As adults, they may remain immature, often enmeshing their own children with
passive-aggressive and
codependent behavior. We coach men, their
partners and their families to solve this relationship problem and find
emotional maturity.
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I lived with a mother's boy for 12
years. I don't see him now but it still hurts and I still feel betrayed.
I feel like I had a long affair with a married man.
Miami, Florida, USA |
Many parents have good intentions and immature parenting
skills. Many parents complain that their partners act like children, or like
tyrants, or that their partners are physically or emotionally absent.
Entangled people often blame their own parents, criticize their partners
and complain about their children.
They rarely recognize that their partners and children respond to their
emotional immaturity.
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My husband was more a child than a man. He avoided
decisions and only wanted to play ... I liked his childishness until
we had a baby, but he resented our son ... After three bad years I
divorced him, but I felt
like I abandoned a child. After a few sessions with you my guilt
disappeared ... now I am free to be a woman. WL, Hawaii, USA |
Are you entangled with a man who is
entangled with his mother?
Cross-generational bonds, obsessions and fixations, such as
between mothers and sons, or fathers and daughters, are common. Although few
mothers sexually molest or abuse their sons;
emotional incest is more likely if one or both parents:
- were missing, chronically ill, dysfunctional or dead
- were victimized or controlled by other family members
- were addicted, obsessed or had mental health problems
- were irresponsible, childish or would not provide mature guidance
Solutions for the consequences of toxic parenting
are described at
Prevent Learning Disabilities and
Parental Alienation.
Emotional incest between fathers and daughters is common - see
Daddy's Little Princess. For more on how to resolve toxic family entanglements see
Emotional Incest.
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My parents divorced when I was young ...
I became my mother's best friend. During our coaching I realized that I could
not commit to being a partner. Now I want to take
this responsibility. It is sad that your Soulwork coaching was unknown when I was younger. MG, Newport, Wales |
The Little Prince
In a strange, faraway country, each boy believes that
his mother is a virgin,
and each mother believes that her son is God.
Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, Mother likely
enjoyed her femininity and the attention of her family. But when Baby was born,
family attention shifted from Mother to Baby. Mother felt ignored, and
was perhaps diagnosed with postpartum depression. This mother
regained her family's attention, approval and respect by becoming
a Super-Mom to her newborn child.
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My boyfriend of 8 years is a 42 year old child. All I hear is
that he doesn't want to disappoint his mother. Until recently he lived with his
parents. He never does chores around the house. He is just there. He telephones
his mother all the time. He phones her when he leaves, when he arrives and in
between. He can't make a commitment. He comes and goes as he pleases. He lives
with me or he goes home. He gets upset if I talk to him like to an adult.
KT,
North Carolina, USA |
The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, especially if he depended
upon his wife to supply meaning for his life. He may feel that his baby
is a rival. He may
withdraw from his wife’s need for intimacy, support or responsibility.
He may become depressed and/or have sexual or
intimate
affairs.
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Your Little Prince describes my
ex-husband. You could add passive-aggressive
to the profile, and include stubbornness and denial. I will avoid
mother's boys in the future. London, UK |
A Super-Mom must see her son as
special. Mother may encourage Son to make a special
contribution to the world that Mother cannot make. Mother's
expectations help balance her emptiness - for Mother to feel special, Son must become
very special - or the Son risks losing his Mother's love.
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Shortly after my son was born I
realized that my life purpose is to prepare him for his destiny. Young
Mother, Hawaii, USA |
Mother may dedicate her life to her Son. Such sacrifice is expected in many
cultures - the family may applaud her holiness, and Son may call Mother
a saint. Son may defend Mother and attack anybody who does not recognize
Mother's special holiness - especially Son may attack his Father.
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Young children accept their parent's beliefs, no matter how
illogical, as unquestionable facts. A son perceived as special by his
mother may become a cult of two people. |
Sons bonded to Mothers form codependent couples. If a
codependent partner finds independent happiness ... or another partner ... the
other partner will experience crisis. Mother and Son often remain emotionally retarded
as they grow older. Neither are independent of the other.
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My ex-boyfriend is 48 yrs old and he
husbands his mother. He never married and had few relationships with women.
He lives with his mom and has
not worked for 15 yrs. He cannot show affection and he says he has
castration anxiety. He is passive aggressive
and a recluse. His only friend is his computer. His father left
them when he was 2 yrs old. I am not his friend anymore - I do not stand for
neglect or emotional abuse. He is an angry man. It seems that parts of him
are missing. He cannot connect emotionally. I had to leave him for my own sanity.
Your phone coaching got me over all this. MD, Philadelphia, U.S.A. |
Freud, Oedipus Complex and the Little Prince
If a lonely Mother sees her son as special, Mother renews her sense of life.
Mother rewards Son for being special, and Son rewards Mother by feeling special.
Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult obsessions (and sexual
fantasies); perhaps
fulfilling Father’s belief that "My son is my rival".
If Son becomes Mother's emotional partner, he cannot commit himself to another
partner.
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Freud wrote that every boy has an Oedipus Complex - every
boy represses his sexual desire for his mother and his jealousy toward his
father and experiences emotional conflicts. This may be Freud's autobiography,
or a facet of Central European culture at Freud's time. We find these
conflicts in men from families where mothers
are confused between Sons and Lovers. |
Consequences for Mothers and Sons
Many mother's boys fear not being special enough and dreads Mother's rejection. If people do
not appreciate Son’s specialness, Son may attack (become a compulsive bully)
or withdraw (become an obsessive nerd). Son may become a passive good boy
to please Mother. Or he may rebel against Mother to please Father - perhaps becoming
aggressive or delinquent. If he swings between two extremes - he may be
labeled passive-aggressive - or as having
bipolar disorder.
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The feeling that they are more important to mother than
father makes them feel that they are wonderful, and since they are already grown
up and need not do anything to establish their greatness because - and as long
as - mother loves them ... Erich Fromm
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Many men tell us that they were not properly mothered. They may complain
that they were not loved in the right way, or not long enough, or that their
mothers were absent or preoccupied. Such men often have many
mother-bonded behaviors, and often act like adolescent boys in adult bodies.
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My therapist suggested I read your Little
Prince article ... my mother preferred my older brother ... my wife treats me
like her son ... my wife is the wonderful mother I
never had ... nothing is wrong ... I have a perfect marriage ... so why is she
unhappy? DD,
Paris, France |
The consequences of
emotional incest include
addictions,
obsessions,
schizophrenia
and suicide.
The consequences also include intellectual men who cannot
maintain a happy partnership, and holy men who reject
partnership - often to search for (spiritual) Fatherhood or oblivion.
The consequences include the burned-out shells of real boys
who gave up - who lost themselves to mediocrity or to drugs.
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You offered to help me change what you called
emotional incest ... but I like my lifestyle.
Normal people are boring ... I am different ... I like being special! DL
Seattle, USA |
The more Mother needs a special child-man - the less space for a real boy.
During adolescence, as healthy young men prepare for partnership and parenthood,
a Little Prince may be unable to consider a committed adult relationship.
(Mother-fixated sons are often very intelligent, but delay
emotional maturity - sometimes by decades.)
Systemic coaching is available ... you
need not feel alone. We help women clarify relationships with bonded men, and we help
men change beliefs such as ...
- Lost Identity: "NO - I will withdraw, dissociate or
run away from life!"
- Identification: "I cannot be me - I identify with a missing
family member!"
- Mother-Bonded: "YES - I will be the special child-man that
Mother needs!"
- Simple Conflict: "Sometimes I withdraw -
sometimes I am Mother's child-man!"
- Identity Conflict: “Sometimes I am Father and sometimes
I am Mother!”
- Relationship Bonds: "To remain alive and sane I must
believe that ..."
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What happens to a Super-Mother? |
- She may be called a saint - venerated
for her sacrifice, especially by her son. (Even after her death her
son may remain fixated on her, never enjoying emotional freedom.)
- She may be called a family demon - distrusted for her
emotional outbursts and unusual behavior. (Yet a fixated son may identify
with her and repeat her behavior)
- If her beloved son finds a partner, a Super-Mom may suffer a crisis of rejection
and may try to overtly or covertly sabotage his partnership.
- If her beloved son leaves home, a Super-Mom may emotionally adopt
a younger man (perhaps as a lover) and/or become bisexual and/or withdraw into depression.
- A Super-Mother may blame her parents, partners and children for her
problems
- We can help her and her family dissolve toxic
entanglements and bonds, gain independent
happiness and
recover her sense of life - independent from her son.
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See: Sexual Solutions,
Relationship Bonds and
Sexual Abuse
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... sincere thanks
... I found validation and understanding for my and my husband's roles
in our marital problems. My husband is aggressive when he cannot
avoid responsibility. I recently had health problems and asked my
husband for help. MAJOR fighting began. My husband cannot accept
any role for me that is NOT Mother - he martyrs himself as an
abused son ... You offer me hope that I can again live, love
and laugh. THANK YOU. VM Georgia, USA |
You are not alone. We can help you.
Continued ...
Little Prince Grows Up
We help people who are stuck in complex fixations and obsessions, such
as Little Princes, their women and children. We help people find freedom
and resolve depression,
anxiety etc. Do you want telephone sessions or
private meetings? Do you want to resolve relationship
problems?
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Men who fixate on their mothers may be unable to maintain a partnership with
another woman - unless she becomes his "mother"
Our
Telephone Coaching can set
you free
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Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
1998-2009 All rights reserved. |
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