Do you Suffer from Covert Emotional Incest?
I wrote a summary of mother-son
relationships in 1998, while I was trying to better understand the many men
and women who asked for help with destructive
relationship habits. My biggest lessons were that 1) emotional incest is
mostly unconscious, that 2) bonded people rarely know that they cause
suffering, and 3) bonded people feel too special to change.
If you feel strong emotions as you read this
article, maybe take a walk or talk to good friends.
Your early family relationships were probably the most influential relationships
of your life
and
may have caused life-long emotional problems.
We help motivated adults to dissolve the
consequences of parental entanglements as they develop their
emotional maturity.
What is Mother-Son Emotional Incest?
Men fixated on their mothers are commonplace,
and although the consequences
of this fixation can be severe, few people can recognize their symptoms. Does a man in your life show signs of mother
fixation? A fixation may be about a real mother - or about an idealized mother
that a man wished for. Such men can be difficult to live with. Does he :
- obsess about his mother?
- strongly react to criticism?
- expect women to serve him?
- demand devotion - not just love?
- not commit to happy partnership?
- damage other people's relationships?
- show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
- act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
- expect other people to fulfill his life for him?
- brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
- have obsessive interests and few social skills?
- chase women - quantity not happiness is important?
- not show anger - but may attack or sabotage people?
- act impotent, perhaps with penile erection dysfunction?
- act like a narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves?
- show intellectual brilliance but little practical application?
- obsess about a daughter or about young, immature women?
- do many of these things repeatedly yet energetically deny them?
- avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or relationship therapy?
- believe that he knows more than professionals with years of experience?
We find that four or more of these
common signs of emotional incest predict endless suffering
for these men, for the women whom they entangle - and for
their children.
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THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED WAS ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE
... MY MOTHER Car bumper sticker seen in Hawaii
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Few mother-bonded men want to change
- they prefer to feel special.
Mother-Son Fixation / Obsession
If parents love children in ways that are more appropriate
for partners, the consequences may be severe. Many adult children of immature
parents show signs of emotional incest throughout their lives. As adults,
they may enmesh their own children with
passive-aggressive and
codependent behavior. We help motivated adults solve
emotional and relationship problems and find
emotional maturity.
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I lived with a mother's boy for 7 years. I left him
last year but it still hurts and I still feel betrayed. I feel like
I had a long affair with a married man. I tried to get him to ask
you for coaching, but he said he didn't need help, and that he could
fix his own problems, if he had any.
Florida, USA |
Many parents have good intentions and immature parenting
skills. Many parents complain that their partners act like children, or
like tyrants, or that their partners are physically or emotionally absent.
Entangled people often blame their parents, criticize their partners
and complain about their children.
They rarely recognize that their partners and children are responding to their own
emotional immaturity.
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My husband was more a child than a man. He avoided
decisions and only wanted to play ... I liked his childishness until
we had a baby, but he resented our son ... after three bad years I
divorced him, but I felt
like I abandoned a child. After a few sessions with you my guilt
disappeared ... I am now free to find a real man. Hawaii, USA |
Are you Entangled with a Man who is
Entangled with his Mother?
Cross-generational bonds, obsessions and fixations,
such as between mothers and sons, or fathers and daughters, are common.
Covert emotional incest seems to be more likely if one or both parents:
- were missing, chronically ill, dysfunctional or dead
- were victimized or controlled by other family members
- were addicts, depressed or had strong mental health problems
- were irresponsible, childish or unable to provide mature guidance
I describe some solutions for the consequences of toxic parenting in
Prevent Learning Disabilities and
Parental Alienation.
Also, emotional incest between fathers and daughters is common - see
Daddy's Little Princess. For more on how to resolve toxic family entanglements see
Emotional Incest.
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My parents divorced when I was young ...
I became the man of the house at 12, and perhaps my mother's best friend.
During our coaching I realized that I avoided commitment and partnership
all my life. I truly believed that I was special. Now I only want to be
an ordinary responsible man, and a good husband and father. Newport, Wales |
The Little Prince
In a strange and faraway country, every boy believes that
his mother is a virgin,
and every mother believes that her first son is God.
Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, Mother likely
enjoyed her femininity and the attention of her family. But when a Baby was born,
family attention shifted from Mother to Baby. Mother felt ignored, and
was perhaps diagnosed with postpartum depression. This mother
regained her family's attention, approval and respect by becoming
a Super-Mom to her newborn child.
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My boyfriend is a 42 year old child. All I hear is
that he doesn't want to disappoint his mother.
Until recently he lived with his
parents. He never does chores around the house. He is just there. He phones
his mother all the time. He phones her when he leaves, when he arrives and in
between. He can't make a commitment. He comes and goes as he pleases. He lives
with me or he goes home. He gets upset if I talk to him like to an adult.
North Carolina, USA |
The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, especially if he depended
upon his wife to provide meaning for his life. He may feel that a baby
is a rival. He may withdraw from his wife’s need for intimacy, support
or responsibility. He may become depressed
and/or have sexual or intimate
affairs.
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Your Little Prince describes my
ex-husband. You could add passive-aggressive
to the profile, and include stubbornness and denial. I will avoid
mother's boys in the future. London, UK |
A Super-Mom must see her son as
special. Mother may encourage Son to make a special
contribution to the world that she cannot make. Mother's expectations help
balance her emptiness - for Mother to feel special, Son must be
very special - or the son risks losing his Mother's support and love.
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Shortly after my son was born I
realized that my life purpose
is to prepare him for his destiny. Hawaii, USA |
Mother may dedicate her life to her Son. Such sacrifice is expected in many
cultures - the family may applaud her holiness, and Son may call Mother
a saint. Son may defend Mother and attack anybody who does not recognize
Mother's special holiness ... especially Father.
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Young children accept their parent's beliefs, no matter how
illogical, as unquestionable facts.
A son perceived as special by his
mother may form a cult of two people. |
Sons bonded to Mothers often form codependent couples. If a
codependent partner finds independent happiness ... or another partner
... the other will experience crisis. Codependent Mothers and
Sons often remain emotionally retarded
as they grow older - especially if they live together.
Neither can make decisions independent of the other.
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My ex-boyfriend is 48 yrs old
and he husbands his mother. He never married and had few relationships
with women. He lives with his mom and has not worked for 15 yrs. He
cannot show affection and says he has castration anxiety. He is
passive aggressive and a recluse. I left him. He is an angry man and
he cannot connect emotionally. I had to leave him for my sanity.
He would not talk to you ... you helped me get over him.
Philadelphia, USA |
Freud, Oedipus Complex and the Little Prince
If a lonely mother sees her son as special, she can renew her sense of
life. Mother may reward Son for being special, and Son rewards Mother by
feeling special. Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult
obsessions (and sexual fantasies); perhaps fulfilling Father’s fear
that "My son is my rival". If Son becomes Mother's
emotional partner, he may be unable to commit himself to partnership.
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Freud wrote that every boy has an Oedipus Complex - every
boy represses his sexual desire for his mother and his jealousy toward his
father and experiences emotional conflicts. This may be Freud's autobiography,
or a facet of Central European culture at Freud's time. We find these
conflicts in men from families where mothers
were confused between Sons and Lovers. |
Consequences for Mothers and Sons
Many boys fear not being special enough and dread their Mothers'
rejection. If people do not appreciate Son’s specialness, Son may attack
(become a compulsive bully) or withdraw (become an obsessive
nerd). Son may become a passive good boy to please Mother, or he may rebel against Mother to please Father - perhaps becoming
aggressive or delinquent. If he swings between two extremes - he may be
labeled passive-aggressive - or
sometimes as having
bipolar disorder.
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The feeling that they are more important to mother than
father makes them feel that they are wonderful, and since they are already grown
up and need not do anything to establish their greatness because - and as long
as - mother loves them ... Erich Fromm
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Many men complain that they were not properly mothered. They may
complain that they were not loved in the right way, or not long enough,
or that their mothers were absent or preoccupied. Such men often show many
mother-bonded behaviors, and often act like adolescent or teenage boys in
adult bodies.
If a woman rejects him - almost any woman - a mother-bonded man may freak out -
and act like an out-of-control child - perhaps reliving some childhood crisis of
abandonment or rejection.
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My wife's therapist suggested that
I read your article ... my mother preferred my older brother ...
my wife treats me like her son ... my wife is the wonderful mother I
never had ... nothing is wrong ... we have a perfect marriage ...
I don't know why she is depressed Paris, France |
The consequences of
emotional incest seem to include
addictions,
obsessions
and suicide.
The consequences also include intellectual men who cannot
maintain a happy partnership, and holy men who reject
partnership - often to search for (spiritual) Fatherhood or oblivion.
The consequences include the burned-out shells of real boys
who gave up - who lost themselves to mediocrity or to drugs.
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You offered to help me change what
you called emotional incest ... but I like my lifestyle and who I am.
Normal people are boring ... I am different ... I like being special!
Seattle, USA |
The more Mother needs a special child-man - the less space for a real
boy. During adolescence, as healthy young men prepare for partnership and
parenthood, a Little Prince may be unable to consider a committed adult
relationship. (Mother-fixated sons are often very intelligent, but their
emotional maturity may be delayed - sometimes by decades).
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I tried to love him - I really did ... but
he didn't know what to do with my love ... and he didn't want to learn. His heart
and mind were always with his mother. Vancouver, Canada |
You need not feel alone. We can help motivated adults clarify their
relationships, and their beliefs. Some more severe consequences are:
- Lost Identity: "NO - I will withdraw, dissociate or
run away from life!"
- Identification: "I cannot be me - I identify with a missing
family member!"
- Mother-Bonded: "YES - I will be the special child-man that
Mother needs!"
- Simple Conflict: "Sometimes I withdraw -
sometimes I am Mother's child-man!"
- Identity Conflict: “Sometimes I act like Father and sometimes
I act like Mother!”
- Relationship Bonds: "To stay alive and sane I must
believe that ..."
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What happens to a Super-Mother? |
- She may be called a saint by her son - venerated for
her sacrifice. (Even after her death her son may
remain fixated on her, never enjoying emotional freedom.)
- She may be called a demon - especially by her son's wife - distrusted for her
emotional outbursts and behavior. (Yet a fixated son may identify
with her and repeat her behavior).
- If her bonded son finds a partner, a Super-Mom may suffer a crisis of rejection
and may try to overtly or covertly sabotage his partnership.
- If her bonded son leaves home, a Super-Mom may emotionally adopt
a younger man (perhaps as a protégée or as a lover).
- Super-Moms often blame their parents, partners and children for their
problems.
We can help her and her family dissolve toxic
entanglements and bonds,
gain independent happiness and
recover her sense of life - independent from her son.
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We help motivated adults to untangle family chaos - fixations
and obsessions -
and find emotional freedom.
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Sincere thanks
... I found validation and understanding for my and my husband's roles
in our marital problems. My husband is aggressive when he cannot
avoid responsibility. I recently had health problems and asked my
husband for help. MAJOR fighting began. My husband cannot accept
any role for me that is NOT Mother - he martyrs himself as an
abused son ... You offer me hope that I can again live, love
and laugh. THANK YOU. Georgia, USA |
Part 2 ...
A Little Prince Grows Up
We do not try to change immature adults who
do not want to grow up. We cannot make people become responsible ... we
can point out the consequences to themselves and to their families. When people
have suffered enough ... we are here ...
Click HERE for help with Emotional
Incest
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
1998-2010 All rights reserved. |
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