Most people say that they want to be happy, so why is there so much suffering?
Many answers lie in how people perceive themselves in their relationships.
Many people feel stuck in unpleasant relationships - bonded by identifications and fixations.
Fixations often manifest as persistent immature behavior.
Fixations are emotional attachments that are
usually formed in childhood.
Fixations complicate life ... contact us to find emotional freedom.
A man who as a physical being is always turned
toward the outside,
thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and
discovers that the source (of happiness) is within him. Søren Kierkegaard
A basic concept of Kierkegaard's philosophy is that people
lose identity if they
participate in unhealthy
relationships. We help people regain their identity and
maturity as they build healthier relationships.
Fixations often begin in childhood, when children perceive family members as
sources of good feelings. As those children grow up, they may look for and fixate on
other people as substitutes for those sources of good feelings, rather than
developing their own inner resources and self-esteem.
Are you fixated on a parent ... do you seek people who
remind you of a parent?
Common fixations are between children
and parents, with past-lovers and between
brothers and sisters. The most common
fixations seem to be with mothers. People who manage mother fixations
often find that many unhealthy habits seem to evaporate.
People who fixate on other people may be
healthy relationships ... or create healthy families!
A common symptom of fixations is perceiving the fixated person as special
... believing, usually without evidence, that someone is extraordinary or
exceptional. This may replace the need to develop and access one's own resources
or maturity. Some consequences of this identity loss are
How can you tell if you are fixated?
If you need to perceive someone as special, you may search for
that special person. But when you find a candidate, appreciating
that person may not be enough ... you may want to offer your devotion ...
you may feel addicted! But if that other person changes from your
ideal, or if you change your ideals ... such changes between fixated
people can trigger an emotional or existential crisis.
Fixated people often believe that they love the
object of their fixation
although they may only 'love' their own good feelings!
The other person is often just a trigger!
If your sense of that person being special is threatened, you
may feel hurt or damaged. If your role model ceases to meet your standards,
you may try to punish that person for not being special enough.
You feel your inner emptiness and seek someone else to obsess about.
And you may continue this throughout your life.
If you cannot ask for help or advice when
lost in a city,
you are unlikely to ask for guidance when lost in life.
Therapists & Counselors
More helping professionals ask us for help
resolving parental fixations than anybody else, and we notice that many
helping professionals seem to specialize in their own fixations. But when they
manage their own fixations, they may lose their motivation to help other
people solve those same issues. We coach many counselors and
therapists to change their specialties or occupations.
I was well known for helping
depressed middle-aged women cope with their sad lives.
But since our sessions, I can't
hardly tolerate such women - they're too much like my
mother. I enjoy being with dynamic people! I now coach business
Many helping professionals come from
Do they offer you maturity - or symbiosis - or codependence?
Fixations & Identity Loss
Mother fixations are characterized by abnormally close
and often paralyzing emotional attachments to one's mother.
The consequences of fixations include obsessions, compulsions,
addictions and other immature and dysfunctional behaviors. The root causes often include:
- Lost Identity: Your
life lacks meaning
- Inner Child: You
are sometimes childish
- Relationship Bonds: You feel dependent
- Identification: You express someone else's
anger, anxiety or
- Identity Conflict: Your behavior swings between two poles - you
live in conflict
Fixations can cross generations ... and there is usually no-one
to blame. Fixations often represent chains of suffering going back into family
history. Some people call them family curses.
Many children carry the emotional baggage
that their grandparents could not understand and their parents did not manage.
they may pass their baggage and consequences on to their own children.
Do you want Emotional Freedom?
Do you carry your family's burdens? Do you cling to fantasies and
avoid responsibility (you act like a child)? Do you try to be super-
responsible (you act like a parent)? Are you enmeshed in your family's
emotions and drama?
A problem is ... some fixations can feel wonderful!
Yet the consequences of fixations can damage lives.
Do you strive to fulfill your parent's unfulfilled
desires? If so - you may suffer
and/or depression. Contact us to untangle
your emotions, clarify your goals and improve your relationships!
My husband is a mature man half the time -
but he acts like an aggressive teenager
after visiting his mother.
When he's mature - life is good, but I cannot live with his
dark side - an irresponsible, arrogant boy! Washington
If you try to heal your parents' fixations, you will fail.
If you try to complete the unfinished business of your grandparents
or other relatives - you will fail. Following repeated failures,
you may withdraw into depression
Parents who Sabotage Children
Most parents strive to give their children what they lacked when
they were young. Most parents wish to protect and support their
children to become independent adults. Most abusive parents say
that they did the best that they could.
I read your emotional fixation article
and feel some relief because I now see that my
husband is obsessed with his mother ... and they both blame me for every problem.
I'm not so crazy and unlovable as they keep telling me. Singapore
Good intentions can have unpleasant consequences. If a lonely
parent fixates on a child, emotional chaos will follow,
often across generations. Later, fixated adult children
may watch their children act out and try
to cope with their unresolved fixations.
My wife is a compulsive liar ...
she only told me what she thought I wanted to hear.
She was raised by a mother for whom deception was normal communication.
Father-bonded women or mother-bonded men may relate
to other immature or lonely people but not to mature adults.
They may find themselves excited by immature people whom they neither like nor
Is Someone Fixated on You?
People who fixate on you may behave as if you are their rescuer
or even their savior! They may feel bonded to you, and unable to leave
you alone. Fixations motivate lies and stalking. Addicts
cling to their sources ... including addictive relationships.
Fixations are unconscious ties and emotional lies.
Fixations motivate inappropriate behavior - including poor career
choices, addictive relationships and massive unhappiness. Expect to hear ...
I love you (only) because you remind me of ...
and father-daughter fixations.
When fixations end - as they must, being lies - fixated people
often withdraw into depression. Bonded and enmeshed, they may feel overwhelmed
by negative emotions (e.g. loneliness or abandonment) and may desperately
Contact us to free yourself from fixations
Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Training for Fixations
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
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