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Are you entangled in difficult
relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma?
Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your
boss's moods? Do you want to untangle
your life ... or help other people reclaim their freedom?
Are you mature?
Your emotional intelligence, together with
your intellectual intelligence and relationship intelligence, comprise
essential parts of your life. Assess
your emotional maturity and
emotional freedom.
Your every relationship is a hologram of your life.
You can mask but not hide your self-awareness, your maturity, your self-control,
your commitment and your integrity. In every relationship you will show
how well you listen, communicate, initiate change, follow through and solve problems. In every relationship you proclaim your emotional intelligence.
Emotional immaturity often indicates abuse or
trauma.
Your relationships expose your maturity
In every relationship, you expose your life values and
emotional intelligence. In every relationship decision, you express
your communication skills, your commitment and your integrity. You
cannot hide your maturity - or lack of it.
Your maturity predicts your ability to monitor and
manage your emotions, to assess the emotional state of others and to
influence their opinions and behavior. Your emotional intelligence
and emotional maturity seem to be most profoundly influenced by your
relationship history and your
trauma history.
What are Emotions?
Many psychological definitions of emotions seem
devoid of the humanity of people who experience
emotions. Many definitions are simply lists of abstractions.
|
Plutchik |
An emotion is a
patterned bodily reaction of either protection, destruction,
reproduction, deprivation, incorporation, rejection, exploration
or orientation, or some combination of these, which is brought
about by a stimulus. (Feelings & Emotions 1970) |
Other definitions focus on the experience
of being human.
|
Carruthers |
Emotions are sensory experiences that
communicate across human relationship systems. They can be distorted or
dissociated according to values and beliefs. Emotions provide motivation and
inspiration to retreat ... or to excel (Systemic Coach manual) |
Are you Emotionally Mature?
If you avoid your emotions, you may become reserved, dissociated or robot-like. If you feel but avoid expressing
your emotions, you may falsify your relationships, undermine your health
and delay your development.
Immaturity is associated with impulsiveness, child abuse
and emotional incest.
You can easily estimate your emotional intelligence:
- Do you listen to other people's ideas?
- Do you cope with unexpected change?
- Do you express your feelings appropriately?
- Do you recognize your feelings as they occur?
- Do you control strong emotions and impulses?
- Do you take responsibility for your actions and
behavior?
- Do you act intelligently and mature when you are under
stress?
Any "No" indicates part of your life where
you may be emotionally immature, although many people will answer "Not
really" to
question 7. If your stress is high enough to cause you to age-regress
(anything from a spider to the loss of a partner), you may feel
and act childishly for a time, before restoring balance and sobriety. During
this time, immature behavior is likely.
You may respond to some stress from your early childhood,
and act out your trauma. We coach and train people to resolve strong or chronic emotions.
Emotional Intelligence & Relationships
Your emotional maturity will be apparent in your
relationships. Do you:
- communicate appropriately? (for the relationship type)
- clarify mistakes and wrong assumptions?
- provide balance or justice when things go wrong?
- build and maintain friendships?
- teamwork toward shared goals?
- share responsibility for children and projects?
- cooperate with your community?
- inspire your family and lead other people?
If not, and if you want to, our unique systemic coaching
programs can help you.
Youth Fades ... Immaturity Lingers
Children, young teenagers and
some adults may need protection from immature behavior and impulsive
decisions. Systemic coaching helps people get un-stuck:
1. Egocentric
You are self-centered and selfish. You have little regard for
others and you are preoccupied with your ideas, feelings and symptoms.
You deeply believe that you are somehow special. You demand
constant attention, respect and sympathy.
2. Uncontrolled Emotions
You express yourself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and
rapidly changing moods. You get frustrated easily, and you
over-react to perceived criticism.
3. Gratification
You want it all now. Your behavior may be superficial,
thoughtless and impulsive. Your loyalty lasts only as long as a
relationship seems useful. You have chaotic finances.
4. Dependent
You are indecisive, easily influenced and you avoid responsibility
for your actions. You stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change.
Do you want to change these behaviors?
We can coach you by telephone. |
Emotional Intelligence & Expression
What do you do after you feel provoked to express your
emotions? How old do you act when you express strong anger, sadness or
fear? How far do you age-regress? Do you:
- Express your emotions without conscious
control (like a young child)?
- Suppress your emotionally driven behavior
(like a pre-teen)?
- Repress or dissociate your emotional
experience (like a teenager)?
- Accept, acknowledge and express your
emotions (like a mature adult)?
Your emotional intelligence may change dramatically when you
feel strong emotions. Do you, for example, find yourself behaving like a young child when you
feel abandoned or betrayed? Our systemic coaching can help you change, and
express your emotions appropriately.
Left unresolved, the consequences of emotional
suppression or dissociation may be disease. Typical consequences
include high blood pressure, colitis, ulcers and
chronic fatigue.
Emotional Intelligence & Trust
Rapport is often used to describe
compliance, in which an abuser tries to influence your decisions,
with sales pitches, confusing rhetoric or hypnotic language. They may say, "It's for your own
good".
Abusive
Relationships . Provocative
Coaching . More on Maturity
People may wonder if they can trust you with sensitive
personal information. They may have trusted others and been betrayed or abused. Trust
helps people get on with
their lives, and seems essential for innovation and
creativity. Trust can take years to build, and seconds to
destroy. The consequences of abused trust can cause lasting damage to a
friendship, family, organization or government.
Trustworthiness is an essential part of emotional maturity.
If people do not trust you, you may find yourself justifying every
detail of every decision you make. And remember that not everybody is as mature
as you. Be cautious about who you trust with important information.
Emotional Intelligence & Leadership
Leadership
is much more than a desire to delegate tasks. If your confidence helps orient people,
and if your decisions are beneficial, and if you communicate your decisions well
- you will be
respected. We coach people to fulfill family, team and
organizational goals. We can coach you to be a true leader:
- develop individual capability and competence
- transfer responsibility to the people who do
the work
- set an example and challenge people to continually learn
- clearly describe what is necessary for quality
performance
- create an environment where people want to be
responsible
- maintain a clear vision that encourages people to align
with you
|
Viktor Frankl
Man's Search for Meaning |
... man should not ask
for the meaning of his life, but recognize that
it is he who is asked. Each man is questioned by life; and he
can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life
he can only respond by being responsible. |
Do you want telephone coaching or systemic coach training?
Do you want to coach people to resolve relationship challenges?
Do you want Telephone Coaching?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2009 All rights reserved.
emotinal, souwlork, coching, inteligence, intelligents |
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