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Dependence & Dependent Relationships

Martyn Carruthers

We offer private coaching, interactive and training on systemic coaching, entanglements, codependence and better relationships at home and at work.

Entangled Relationships

In your desire to express and receive love, you may become entangled. You may lose your sense of freedom, purpose and happiness. You may suffer, perhaps a lot. Our systemic coaching offers many ways for you to remedy this - to increase your happiness and to alleviate suffering; to increase fulfillment. Do you want to help people recognize and resolve entangled relationships?

Can you recognize dependence? Dependent people usually try to avoid responsibility, endlessly complain, blame others, tell lies and avoid the consequences of their actions. Dependent people avoid developing essential qualities and skills that support adult long-term happiness. They may demand or manipulate other people to do for them what they will not to do for themselves. See Codependence.

Some dependent people offer their bodies in trade for goods or protection. This is well described in Emotional Incest, Mother's Little Prince and Daddy's Little Princess, and can be seen in relationships in which emotional, physical and sexual abuse is not only tolerated but expected.

[ Stress Disorders ] [ Divorce and Children ] [ Parent Alienation ] [ Difficult Clients ]

Are you Dependent?

Dependence is normal for children, it is expected from sick people and it is mandatory for addicts.

You are likely dependent if you define love as actions that fulfill your needs. Then, your expressions of love may require you to act in needy, demanding ways. If a person, family or organization stops providing something on which you depend - you may end this suddenly-unloving relationship. You may find another provider or become sick. Systemic coaching can help you grow up.

Extreme dependence is often associated with sets of symptoms, such as: Victim Identification, Schizophrenia , Bipolar Disorder , Depression and Anxiety.

Are you Emotionally Dependent?

You are emotional dependent if you believe that your personal security or self-worth requires the  ongoing presence or nurturing of another person.

Are you intensely preoccupied with someone? Do you need to be near that person? Do you feel a sense of loss when you can't be close? Do you need to be a person's exclusive love and their only companion? Do you view this person's friends or family as competition? Are you intensely JEALOUS? Are you unable to decide or take action without that person's approval?

Are you Healthy?

Some dependent adult relationships are so common that they may not be seen as unhealthy. Consider the relationship messages in TV soap operas and Hollywood productions; listen carefully to the lyrics of love songs; and watch advertising critically.

Examine the covert relationship messages implicit within in health care, education and government propaganda in your country. You may be bombarded by dependent role models - created by people who want your dependence!

Although a complete resolution of dependence takes time, your two golden keys are your responsibility and your motivation. Our coaching provides a complete methodology for coaching people like you to rebuild their lives following dependent or codependent relationships.

Systemic Coaching & Dependent Relationships

Relationship Example Challenges Example Solutions

All relationships

Relationships or life do not make sense

Depression. Obsession. Psychosomatic symptoms. Addiction. Despair. Anxiety.

Identify and clarify entanglements. Coach person to find integrity, replace relationship and identity bonds, dissolve emotional trauma and find mentors. (Systemic Coaching)

Family

A person attempts to control, manipulate or victimize other family members

A person attempts to avoid responsibility, or attempts to take over other member's responsibilities.

Tough Love: Parents can monitor, maintain and enrich family harmony.

Family discussions: Family can know each other's responsibilities, and to fulfill their own responsibilities.

Friends

A person seeks people with problems as "friends", to fulfill a need to "help" people.

A person only wants friends who will "help" obtain needed resources.

Coach a person to find self-reliant friends who do not need the person's help as a basis for friendship.

Coach a person to find self-reliant friends who do not compulsively help people as a basis for friendship.

Coach

(Counselor, Consultant, Therapist, Healer, etc)

A coach etc depends on clients to create a sense of purpose or self-respect.

A coach etc depends on clients to have any relationships at all.

A coach etc wants to recruit clients from amongst friends, family, teams etc.

A coach etc wants friendly or intimate relationships with clients.

A coach etc has a sense of purpose and self-respect across contexts.

A coach etc has healthy relationships outside of working relationships.

A coach etc can coach friends, family or colleagues with well defined, congruent agreements.

Allow appropriate time between coaching etc and other forms of relationships.

Teams

Team member depends on other members do his or her work or take his or her responsibilities

Team member wants to do other members work or take their responsibilities

Team member wants to manipulate other team members, OR treat them like "family"

Coach a team leader to select team members based on friendship skills, expertise and other relevant criteria.

A team leader can use team process to recognize and correct behavior.

Coach a team leader in teamwork and team leadership skills.

Partnership

Person wants a partner who will act as a "parent", "sibling" or "child".

Person does not fulfill responsibilities OR person tries to fulfill partner's responsibilities

Person becomes anxious, angry or depressed if partner is happy or successful

Coach a person to observe self and a potential partner before commitment.

Define and fulfill own and partner responsibilities, and support partner to fulfill his or her responsibilities.

Coach partners to encourage each other's development, success and happiness.

Parenthood

A parent needs a child and becomes anxious, angry or depressed when a child matures.

A physically healthy parent acts like a "child" of the child, demanding help.

A parent treats a child as a possession or servant, rejecting the child's individuality.

A parent wants to live through a child, motivating the child to do what the parent wanted to do.

Coach parents to have friends with whom they can discuss partnership and parenthood concerns

Coach adult children to separate from parents for a defined period.

Coach a person to untangle and clarify relationships with parents. (Children cannot do this!)

Coach parents to resourcefully work together to improve family health.

Community

Politics

A person avoids responsibilities and depends on a community, government, state or politician (e.g. welfare recipients).

A person wants to control or manipulate the behavior of a community or country.

Few solutions are possible until a person wants to change. Even then, a community may change rules and leaders yet keep the dependence.

A person should first fulfill partnership and parenthood responsibilities.

Humanity

Cosmos

God

Philosophy

A person wants to avoid responsibility and depend on humanity, the universe, a deity or a philosophy to somehow provide food, shelter and life direction.

This person may try to create dependent relationships in all categories.

Few solutions are possible until suffering motivates a desire to end suffering - then coaching towards freedom, interdependence and dignity.

Some people would rather die than change their relationship beliefs.

Relationship Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training ... Your Next Step

Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? Do you want to coach people to enjoy success and quality relationships? Do you want to coach people to fulfill their dreams? Contact us.

© Martyn Carruthers 2000, 2008 All rights reserved.


Systemic Coaching & Coach Training Holidays
including
Hawaii  Nepal Egypt  Croatia Czech  Poland

 

Free systemic coach training is available to our organizers

Relationship Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training ... Your Next Step
 
Email us at   or telephone: +4 860 275 8295 or +38 591 881 2682
Write to: 05-082 Stare Babice, Orla Bialego 2m9, PL  or  Angel, Trnsko 13A, 10020 Zagreb, HR

Workshop

Systemic Coach Training

Systemic 1 How to evaluate relationship dynamics and resolve entanglements
Systemic 2 How to define life goals, identify blocks, resolve objections & plan for success
Systemic 3 How to do or continue goalwork using metaphors and dream coaching
Systemic 4 How to recognize and dissolve abuse and trauma, and rebuild motivation
Systemic 5 How to change limiting beliefs and toxic relationship bonds for emotional freedom
Systemic 6 How to recognize and resolve identity loss: recover lost qualities and lost skills
Systemic 7 How to end mentor or therapist damage, and provide inspirational mentorship
Systemic 8 How to coach couples and partners to remedy partnership issues
Systemic 9 How to coach whole or parts of families to solve family blocks
Systemic 10 How to coach teams and team leaders to resolve team problems

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996 - 2008 All rights reserved. Soulwork systemic coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We train people to coach others to manage emotions and improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Link to our pages, but get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.