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People who enjoy healthy relationships often show caring, support
and respect for equality and dignity. People who prefer immature or unhealthy
relationships often show emotional problems such as
passive aggression,
emotional blackmail, borderline disorder and
identity loss.
Freedom & Choice in Relationships
Most people try to enjoy and stabilize their relationships, using overt and covert rules
to regulate communication, security and behavior.
Yet stability implies a loss of freedom - a loss of choice. The degree of lost freedom ranges from totalitarian cultures,
military and prison communities - to the often-unspoken rules implicit in friendship, teamwork,
partnership and families.
In some relationships, it's against the
rules to discuss the rules.
If choice is replaced by compliance, members of friends, teams, families or communities may
feel entangled,
fixated and enmeshed in limiting beliefs. Shared beliefs are often more important than facts - we
refer to these shared beliefs as
relationship bonds.
Stability (homeostasis) in human systems may require
laws, judgment and punishment. Less obvious are the times when sickness, disability or death which also provides
stability for
relationships ... times when disease makes
sense.
A loss of personal identity ("Who am I?")
is associated with the emotional confusion commonly called a dissociative disorder,
while a loss of systemic identity ("Who are we?") is associated
with the behavioral confusion and manipulation commonly called political expedience.
Identity Loss in Human Relationships
Systemic identity loss refers
to the loss of a shared sense of reality. Such loss is common during life
transitions, for example from child to teenager - from single to married - from
worker to retired. Most people who leave one system will join another, and
adopt the beliefs and values of the new system. (This is shown clearly in the
work of Dr Clare Graves on the evolution of human values,
which is central to our systemic coaching).
We divide such loss of identity into:
- Identification - behaves as if he or she were another person
- Identity Bonds - behavior
is bonded by other people's beliefs
- Identity Conflict - behaves as if he or she were
two other people
- Lost Identity - behavior is highly dissociated and
lacks a sense of "self"
Personality & Identity
Most people change as they age. Perhaps you were once an
adventurous child or an idealistic teenager yet now your adventure might be
limited to cinema and your idealism limited to recycling plastic. The loss of personality traits can motivate the
formation of new personality traits.
If you learn how to integrate
your sub-personalities (sometimes called inner children, ego-states or complexes), you can feel
much more integrated - more complete - and have many more choices,
skills and qualities. We can help you do this.
Identification in Relationship Systems
Identification refers to the (usually) unconscious acceptance
of a dominant personality - either contextually (in some context) or existentially
(all the time, non-stop).
Children learn by identifying with people and many adults act as if they are
still identified
with other people. They feel normal, even when acting in ways
that other people consider abnormal.
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Do you feel that something inside you or close to
you seems to control your behavior?
This something may feel protective - a
sense of guidance perhaps -
or it may feel destructive - an urge to damage or
destroy. |
Personality identification follows counter-intuitive systemic rules ... examples
are:
- A person who identifies with a hero may express chronic
fear or anxiety
- A person who identifies with a victim may express chronic
anger or rage
- A person who identifies with a dead person may express
chronic sadness or melancholy
The symptoms are often obvious – a victim
identified person is generally suspicious and may enjoy annoying people; a hero
identified person is generally anxious and may avoid any change, and a
dead person identified person is generally melancholy and may be
obsessed with death.
This helps explain how identified people express the
unexpressed emotions of their role models. These emotional expressions may
provide a massive relief, although perhaps with awareness of unpleasant
consequences. Identified people may describe feeling right
in a wrong world.
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You said that my symptoms indicated that
I might be entangled with a dead person ... yes, my dead grandpa felt totally
"me" - he felt more me than myself. Prague |
Identity Loss and Borderline Personality Disorder
Habits called personality disorders are
often behaviors that once helped survival, but are no longer appropriate.
They are different to behaviors caused by organic brain
dysfunction. Some people diagnosed with personality disorders show
symptoms similar to those we call Victim Identification.
A person who describes periods of intense anger, depression
and anxiety, or episodes
of aggression, self-injury, risky sex and drug or alcohol abuse, may be
diagnosed as borderline.
People with symptoms called personality disorders can
be difficult to coach until they are sure that they can trust you, so building
trust is a primary coaching goal. Our systemic coaching can help people control their symptoms
and live an orderly lives, set realistic goals and make
realistic plans.
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All too often, physicians and psychiatrists
refer people to us that they call borderline, which usually means that they
cannot decide whether these people
are or are not psychotic. Mental
Health Clinic, Ontario, Canada
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Fear abandonment seems to be rooted in childhood trauma, abuse and/or
neglect. Such people may believe themselves to be fundamentally bad or unworthy
(which is typical of limiting relationship bonds). They may frequently change long-term goals, career plans,
jobs, friendships and values. People with symptoms associated with Borderline
Personality Disorder may also show other emotional problems.
Coaching and Borderline Personality Disorder
Many people with borderline symptoms describe past relationship
disappointments such as abuse, neglect, abandonment or
sexual abuse. They may be victims
of violence or rape.
People diagnosed as borderline may hurt themselves, and some
will be suicidal. They may experience deep conflict - for example they may feel
strongly connected to people close to them and terrified of the possibility of
losing them — yet they may attack those people and so trigger their own
abandonment.
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Borderline individuals are the psychological
equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no
emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense
suffering.
Marsha Linehan, psychologist University of Washington |
Physicians may prescribe medications for their symptoms. Antidepressant
drugs and mood stabilizers may be prescribed for depressed and/or unstable people.
Antipsychotic drugs may be prescribed when there are distortions in thinking.
Our drug-free systemic coaching helps people live more normal lives.
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Symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder |
- suspicious and irritable
- feel misunderstood and mistreated
- see people as victims or victimizers
- strong mood swings (but not bipolar)
- if they see you as a victim, they try to manipulate you
- if they see you as a victimizer - they may punish you (see identity loss)
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- avoids being alone
- fear of intimacy and partnership
- unpleasant feeling of emptiness
- prefer codependent relationships
- little sense of self - or of boundaries
- cannot make stable long-term goals
- relationship bonds e.g. "I cannot
be loved"
- self-destructive (to control wild emotions)
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People diagnosed with borderline personality disorder may express
passive or aggressive behavior. Passive behavior seems more often
expressed by women, while aggressive behavior seems more male.
| Passive |
Aggressive |
- prefer confusion to clarity
- dependent, clings to helpers
- feels hopeless and worthless
- focus on the urgency of their needs
- avoid attention - they hide and keep
a low profile
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- loners and rebels
- push most people away
- manipulative, perhaps paranoid
- focus on people's imperfections
- seek attention - often defiant and rebellious
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Coaching Solutions
People diagnosed with borderline personality disorder may be
unable to manage their feelings and behavior. Events that trigger depression or
anger may cause explosive outbursts and behaviors such as overeating or
substance abuse; intentional self-injury and possibly suicide attempts. Help can
include:
- Create clear and concise agreements
- Help them identify their goals (goalwork)
- Gain trust (they may be suspicious or manipulative)
- Help them voice their objections and disagreements
- Dissolve any complex conflict (see example
transcript)
- Dissolve identifications with victims
(chronic anger)
as a priority
- Dissolve limiting relationship beliefs (beliefs about
unworthiness etc)
Consult a physician about any opinions or recommendations about
bipolar disorder
or other medical symptoms, medical diagnosis or medical conditions.
Online
Coaching & Mentorship
Recommended reading: "Life at the Border" by Dr. Heller
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2005-2012 All rights reserved.
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