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Covert hostility (passive
aggression) is a relationship disease. Over time, passive aggression damages
friendships and partnerships and increases the risk of
alienating children and team members. Passive aggression is shown by covert
hostile behavior and is driven by repressed or suppressed anger.
Passive Aggression & Covert Hostility
Many people are passive in the presence of some people, and
later, when safe, they may ridicule or insult those same
people. When does this common behavior become a problem?
Would you use the words 'passive aggressive'
to describe these people? Yet these words may also describe the suffering
of people who react to demands with hidden fear and later rebel with hidden anger. As
secrecy and silence are passive aggressive behaviors, they may be
unable to discuss why they act this way - and they can be creative genius
at denying, justifying or rationalizing their behavior.
Passive aggression is unconscious. If a person pretends to be passive as
a tool or as a weapon, then the terms diplomatic, strategic or even
covert hostile may be appropriate,
which are not emotional problems. The unconscious passive behaviors that hide
hidden fear and mask suppressed anger can create chaos in relationships and in life.
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My wife says I'm cold but I'm not. She
says we have many problems but we don't. Things aren't bad, but she cries
a lot and says I don't love her. I do love her, I don't hurt
her or try to control her and I don't know what is her problem. Maybe she needs
coaching, not me. |
These people pretend to be passive or victims
as a way of dealing with problems. They may respond to tasks with
excuses, complaints, procrastination and forgetfulness. They
may avoid completing tasks, perhaps claiming to be sick when a
task is due. They may blame others to avoid responsibility.
Passive aggressive behavior not only abuses
other people but is also self-harm. It is a way to avoid forming deep human
bonds. Relationships with these people may feel emotionally frozen. Yet
they don't deliberately hurt people -
they fear the consequences of expressing their
emotions. And they may create elaborate explanations that cause other problems.
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I'm a good manager so I don't flatter my employees. My management style
makes them feel insecure which causes them to be more competitive and
creative which increases success. The high turnover of staff is not my fault
- HR should use better selection skills. |
You may see some characteristics of passive aggression in people
diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, antisocial
disorders and avoidant personality
disorders. (And remember that all these disorders are opinions that cannot be
confirmed in any medical laboratory.)
So why ... ?
Some children learn, or are taught, to hide their emotions,
often as a response to family conflicts or over-demanding parents. These
children may seem subdued, appearing to lose vitality. Even as children, their
lives
may not make sense. Later in life, these hidden emotions may be triggered by or
transferred or projected onto authorities such as teachers, team leaders and
partners.
We hear many such stories during systemic coaching. Often these people had
unstable parents, or parents who demanded that the children do things beyond their
ability. The children learned to hide feelings and tasks, until they excelled at
avoiding confrontations and responsibility. They are stuck.
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They call me passive
aggressive but they are wrong. Maybe they are jealous because I don't work
so hard ... just like my parents, they blame me for everything ... I had to look
after my sisters since I was eight and I never had time for me. ... I was
just a
babysitter ... London |
Passive Aggression in Relationships
These people can be charming but move through life like
knights on a chessboard—two steps forward and a step to the side. They
often want company but avoid commitment. If they age-regress in the presence of people who remind them of
a
parent, they may be unable to end inappropriate or even unpleasant
relationships, especially with people who are somehow like a parent.
Submissive resistance to performance damages friendships,
teamwork, partnership, parenthood and other relationships. Passive-aggressive people may have problems saying "No", yet
not finish tasks that they have committed to do. They rarely show anger yet
may be envious of other people's success.
They an be abstract, vague and philosophical - other people
may often ask them
what they are really thinking. They may encourage others to think that they have failed. Then they can relax enough to 'open up'. They
may feel that
they are special and that societal and other rules don't apply to them.
|
My wife might be passive
aggressive. Sometimes she simmers with anger but hides it. She is always
suspicious of my motives. Since we married she endlessly advised me, then
criticized me and now insults me. Montreal, Canada |
Systemic Coaching for Passive Aggression
Psychotherapy for passive aggression can be a long process and
some therapists avoid treating people with passive aggressive
symptoms because they do not respond well to traditional psychotherapy. We are
currently studying the relationship between passive aggression and high blood
pressure or hypertension.
Systemic coaching tends to be much faster. Passive-aggressive
behaviors are ways of coping that can be
replaced - once the suppressed emotions are resolved. Unconscious aggression is
driven by suppressed childish anger, and passivity by suppressed childish fear,
giving a complex conflict between age-regressed
personality "parts". (This conflict is often caused by or enhanced by
emotional incest.)
As people seeking coaching may have quit therapy, it is important
that you quickly identify and discuss their goals, behavior (and perhaps
their therapy damage - people who have tried
to resolve passive aggression by inefficient modalities may believe that their
situation is hopeless). They often have difficulty assessing their own behavior,
and if they do recognize their problem, they will often rationalize or justify
it, or pretend to be victims.
Help people realize how well they have sabotaged their own success. If
they choose to change their emotion-driven behavior, they can become
more successful at home and at work, and
enjoy life more. So find their goals and the many benefits
(secondary gains) of the problematic behaviors.
Expect to find split-off, age-regressed 'personality parts'
during systemic diagnosis. Coach people to accept and resolve these
conflicting parts at the steps
indicated during goalwork. First dissolve any underlying fear
of showing any emotions, which will probably be based in some childhood drama.
Expect conflicts - the aggressive side of passive-aggression often comes from
childhood anger, the passive side from childhood needs. The need for love, for
food and for life - makes anger a risk to be avoided or hidden. But their anger doesn’t go
away - it goes underground - somewhat like the depressive side of
bipolar disorder.
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My mother gave me endless mixed signals,
like, "You can play outside or you can be with me." I had a
PhD in psychology before I recognized this root cause of my life conflict. She
gave me her anger, her fear and her ability to say one thing while feeling another. DM, Boston, Mass
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You know you're successfully coached passive aggressive behavior
when formerly passive-aggressive people can define and take steps towards what they
want; when they can
end a bad relationship; and when they can say aloud to
someone, “No, I won’t do that!” or "We're finished!".
Relationship Coaching ...
Systemic Coach Training ...
Your Next Step
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? Do you want to coach people to resolve relationship challenges? Do you want to coach people to fulfill their dreams? Contact us.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2008 All rights reserved |
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