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Covert hostility (passive
aggression) is a relationship disease. Over time, passive aggression damages
friendships and partnerships and increases the risk of
alienating children and team members. Passive aggression is shown by covert
hostile behavior and is driven by repressed or suppressed anger.
Passive Aggression & Covert Hostility
Many people are passive in your presence, and
later, when safe, they may ridicule or insult you. Or they may promise you
something, and later forget or procrastinate. Or do you do this to others?
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My husband would create a mess every day
and expect me to clean it up. I did this for years until one day I walked
out - to a lawyer. It seemed to be over. Then he had some sessions with you - then we
had yoru couple coaching - now we are
both more content. |
Would you use the words 'passive aggressive'
to describe these people? These words summarize the suffering
of people who react to demands with hidden fear and later rebel with hidden anger. As
secrecy and silence are common passive aggressive behaviors, they may be
unable to discuss why they act this way - and they can be creative genius
at denying, justifying or rationalizing their behavior.
Passive aggression is unconscious. If a person
consciously pretends to be passive as a tool or as a weapon, then the terms
diplomatic, strategic or even covert hostile may be
appropriate. Passive behavior that hides fear and masks anger
can create chaos in relationships and in life.
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My wife says I'm cold but I'm not. She
says we have many problems but we don't. Things aren't bad, but she cries
a lot and says I don't love her. I do love her, I don't hurt
her or try to control her and I don't know what is her problem. She needs
your coaching, not me. |
These people act passively or as victims
as a way of dealing with problems. They may respond to tasks with
excuses, complaints, procrastination and forgetfulness. They
may avoid completing tasks, perhaps claiming to be sick when a
task is due. They may blame others to avoid responsibility.
Passive aggressive behavior not only abuses
other people. It is also self-harm. It is a way to avoid forming and fulfilling
deep human bonds. Relationships with passive aggressive people may feel
emotionally frozen. Yet they don't deliberately hurt you or others -
they fear the consequences of expressing their true emotions - even to
themselves. And their justifications may cause other problems.
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I'm a good manager. I don't flatter my employees. My management style
makes them feel insecure which makes them more competitive and creative,
which increases our success ... the high turnover of staff is the fault
of the Human Resources department ... |
You may see some characteristics of passive aggression in people
diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,
antisocial disorders and avoidant personality
disorders. (And remember that all these disorders are opinions that cannot be
confirmed or denied in a laboratory.)
So why ... ?
Many children are taught to hide their emotions by immature
or over-demanding parents. These
children may seem subdued, appearing to lose vitality. Even as children, their
lives may not make sense. Later in life, these hidden emotions may be triggered
by or projected onto authorities such as teachers, team leaders and partners.
We hear many such stories during coaching. Often these people had
unstable parents, or parents who demanded that the children do things beyond their
ability. The children learned to hide feelings, goals and tasks, until they excelled at
avoiding confrontations, responsibility and success. They are stuck.
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They call me passive
aggressive but they are wrong. They are jealous because I don't work
so hard ... they blame me for everything, just like my parents ... I had to look
after my baby sisters since I was six and I never had time to be me. ...
I was just a babysitter London |
Passive Aggression in Relationships
Passive aggressive people can be charming but they move
through life like knights on a chessboard—two steps forward and a step to
the side. They often want company but avoid commitment. They may age-regress
in the presence of people who remind them of a
parent, and they may be unable to end inappropriate or even unpleasant
relationships, especially with people who are somehow like a parent.
Submissive resistance to performance damages friendships,
teamwork, partnership, parenthood and other relationships. Passive-aggressive
people may have problems saying "No", yet
not finish tasks that they have committed to do. They rarely show anger and
may be envious of other people's success.
They an be abstract, vague and philosophical - other people
may often ask them
what they are really thinking. They may encourage others to think that the
others have failed. Then they can relax enough to 'open up'. They
may feel that
they are so special that societal and other rules don't apply to them.
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My wife often seemed to simmer with anger but
she tried to hide it at first. She was always suspicious. Before our
marriage she
mothered me and advised me. Afterwards she
criticized me and then insulted me. We have separated but her abuse
continues. Montreal, Canada |
Coaching for Passive Aggression
Psychotherapy for passive aggression can take a long time.
Some therapists avoid accepting people with passive aggressive
symptoms because they do not respond well to techniques for
chronic anger,
resentment or
anger management.
Systems coaching tends to move fast. We find
passive-aggressive behaviors to be ways of coping that can be
replaced once the suppressed emotions are resolved. Unconscious aggression is
driven by childish anger, and suppressed by childish fear,
a complex conflict between age-regressed
personality parts. (This conflict is often caused during or worsened by
emotional incest.)
As many people who seek coaching have already given up on
therapy, it is important to quickly identify and discuss their goals, behavior
and unwind any
therapy damage. If they have tried
to resolve passive aggression with incompetent
practitioners, they may believe that their
situations are hopeless. They may be unable to assess their own behavior,
and they may rationalize or justify it, or pretend to be helpless victims of
their parents, partners, managers, etc.
During systemic diagnosis, expect to find split-off,
age-regressed 'personality parts' . Coach people to accept and resolve
these conflicting parts at the steps indicated during goalwork. Then
dissolve any underlying fears of showing emotions, most of which
will be based on childhood abuse or drama.
Expect conflicts - the aggressive side of passive-aggression
often arises from childhood anger, the passive side from childhood fear. The
need for love and for life makes anger a risk to be hidden. But the anger
doesn’t go away - it goes underground - like the depressive side of
bipolar disorder.
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My mother gave me endless mixed signals,
like, "You can go outside or you can stay with me." I had a
PhD in psychology before I recognized this root cause of my life conflict. Now I
accept her anger, her fear and her ability to say one thing while
feeling another. Boston, Mass
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Success comes when formerly passive-aggressive people can define and
achieve what they want and when they can calmly say to authorities, “No, I won’t do
that!” or "This relationship is over!".
Would you like to
benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2008-2010 All rights reserved |
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