|
Real partners have real partnership
problems. People in affairs or couples who are emotionally separated may not have
partnership issues. We coach people to recognize, survive and resolve
partnership problems - to restore partnerships - to start new
partnerships - or to live independently.
We coach couples to solve problems
and rebuild their relationships for lasting happiness,
and we coach some couples to separate. We find that, for most people, partnership separation
or divorce is as stressful as a death in the family. A mutual, emotionally
mature decision to separate comprises less than 20% of divorces.
(Jordan (1985) Effects of marital separation on men"
Brisbane, Family Court of Australia.)
|
Martyn's note: 10 March 2010, when I typed
"mature partnership skills" into Google a moment ago, I read: No results
found for "mature partnership skills". What does this say about the
perceived importance of maturity and partnership to helping professionals?
|
A breakup of committed partners is a major life event,
especially the first time. Most separating partners seem to follow predictable steps as they try to cope with
the stress of their
relationship breakdown. (See also Divorce Coaching.)
Are your Relationships Healthy or in Crisis?
| Healthy
Partnership |
Relationship in
Crisis |
| Partners show appreciation
and gratitude
to each other |
One or both are often dissociated,
irritated, depressed or critical |
| Partners respond to most
verbal and nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore, avoid
or shorten most
communications |
| Partners review events in their
history |
They rarely review their
relationship history |
| Partners greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together, without even silent intimacy |
| Partners enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
even criticize the other's goals and needs |
| Partners discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals, values or
dreams |
| Partners share meals and
housework together |
One person often eats or cleans
alone |
| Partners often go out
together |
They generally prefer to go out
alone |
| Partners create projects
which require committed cooperation |
One or both often avoid, ignore or give
small attention to shared projects |
| They wish to stay together
to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness |
One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and angrily demand changes |
| Partners want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
Long-term partners need not be dependent! Over half of first
marriages end in separation or divorce, and even more second marriages or subsequent
partnerships. One consequence is to health - singles, people in intimate couples
live about 4 years more than singles. (Partnership is a life extension intervention,
Gottman and Silver, 1999).
Not resolving partnership problems is unhealthy and expensive.
|
Unrealistic expectations are a root cause of
failed partnerships and play out in all aspects of a relationship. Also, 'I'm not good
enough' and 'You are not good enough' undermine happiness in partnership and in
life generally. Marina Budimir, Soulwork Coach
|
Where are healthy role models for healthy partnership? So many
young people commence partnership with ideas based on their parents'
behavior, television shows, movies, sports and media stars, while using rock
music lyrics as toxic affirmations. Few people seem to consider what beliefs and
skills are needed for long-term happy partnership and parenthood, and even fewer
work to acquire those qualities.
There are few healthy role models for separating peacefully.
Many people find themselves repeating the drama of separated parents or of divorced
relatives and friends. The only role models and advice that many (most?) people
have for separation and divorce can be frightfully toxic. Few partners accept separation
without a fight - many separating partners seem to want to ensure that the other
partner feels as badly as they do!
Coaching Partners through Partnership Breakdown
Real partners
have real partner problems - people in affairs and people who stay
together for economic, religious or social reasons may avoid partnership
problems. Partners will be challenged by many predictable crises during their
partnership - yet few couples are prepared for crisis. We coach
couples to survive and benefit from challenges
... and we coach some couples to separate.
Should you coach friends? Coaching couples through difficulties is
complicated by immature emotional reactions, especially concerning children,
property and money.
As partners discuss
separation and sort through their 'dirty laundry',
they may be at their least resourceful and most prone to emotional outbursts.
They may not want to remember this later ... by being with you.
Are you prepared for this? |
0: Partnership Skills & Emotional Baggage
Unskilled people can, with good intentions,
damage things. Many people not only lack training in partnership and parenting
skills, they are not aware that partnership skills exist. They perceive happy
couples as lucky and unhappy couples as unlucky. They often lack
role models for mature partnership.
Most partnership problems begin before a
partnership. Unresolved issues from childhood, from past trauma or from previous
partnerships become the emotional baggage that people take into new
relationships. The partners may express their emotional baggage directly, or
through their children.
Other partnership problems can begin just before or early in a
partnership. Suicide threats ("If you leave me I'll ...") may be the most
toxic, followed by betrayal of previous partners, extravagant gifts and moving
in
together too quickly. These and other issues plant seeds of future disappointment.
|
Our couple coaching
includes educating partners about crisis and separation,
and finding solutions that benefit both partners, their children ...
and future partners. Many couples, after resolving entanglements
and fixations during separation, request our help to start a new partnership -
sometimes with each other.
|
If you Separate ... How can you BOTH Benefit?
After separation, mature adults
often choose a relationship-free
period; dependent people quickly jump into new
relationships; and immature people
obsess about revenge and punishment. We coach people to make better
relationship decisions! A failed
partnership does not mean that either partner is a failure.
Continued in Part 2
Solutions for Crisis - Step by Step
We coach motivated adults to
solve problems, dissolve conflicts, plan goals and
develop mature partnership skills.
This exposes real human beings
and real dreams of happiness! People can then better decide how they want to
express and receive love in their everyday lives.
Would you like to
benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 2008-2010
|
Our
Coaching .
Our Coach
Training .
For Organizers
.
Corporate Coaching
