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Only partners have partnership
problems. People in affairs or who are emotionally separated may not have
partnership issues. We coach partners to recognize, survive and resolve
partnership problems - to restore partnerships - or to start a new
partnership together - or to live independently.
Although we prefer to coach couples to solve problems
and rebuild their relationships for lasting happiness,
we also coach couples to separate. Partnership separation
is as stressful as a death in the family, for most people. Yet a mutual, emotionally
mature decision to separate comprises less than 20% of divorces.
(Jordan (1985) Effects of marital separation on men"
Brisbane Section, Family Court of Australia.)
The separation of committed partners is a major life event, and most separating
partners follow predictable steps as they try to cope with their
relationship problems. (See also
Divorce Coaching.)
Long-term partnerships are under attack! In the USA,
between half and two thirds of first marriages end in divorce, even more for
subsequent intimate partnerships. One consequence is illness - singles live
about 4 years less than people who stay in intimate couples. (Partnership
is a significant life extension intervention, Gottman and Silver, 1999).
The emotional and financial costs of separation are high.
Where are healthy role models for healthy partnership? Many
(most?) young people commence partnership with ideas based on their parents'
behavior, television shows, movies, sports and media stars, often using rock
music lyrics as toxic affirmations. Few people consider what beliefs and
skills they need for long-term happy partnership and parenthood, and fewer
work to acquire those qualities.
And there are few healthy role models for separating
peacefully and with love. Many people find themselves repeating the
drama of separated parents or divorced relatives and friends. The only
role models and advice that many (most?) people have for separation
and divorce may be frightfully toxic.
Coaching Couples through Partnership Breakdown
Real partners
have real partner problems - couples in affairs and couples who live
together for economic, religious or social reasons may avoid partnership issues.
Couples will be challenged by a number of predictable crises during
their partnership - yet many partners are not prepared for them. We coach
couples to survive and benefit from challenges
... and we coach some couples to separate.
Should you coach
friends? Coaching couples through difficulties is complicated by
immature emotional reactions, especially concerning children, property and
money. As partners consider separation and sort through their 'dirty laundry',
they may be at their least resourceful and most prone to emotional outbursts.
Are you prepared for this? |
1: Infatuation and Disenchantment
Unlike love, infatuation reaches a peak and then diminishes.
Reality intrudes when a couple make ordinary, practical, everyday decisions.
Although love can grow as partners fulfill their responsibilities together,
romantic fantasies may be threatened by daily chores, and infatuation may be replaced by boredom. Something
wonderful may seem to be dying. One or both partners may feel cheated -
their wonderful dreams and ideals may become unrealistic.
2: Complaining and Nagging
The next step towards separation often involves complaints,
conflicts and arguments. While all healthy couples disagree sometimes, some
couples resolve their conflicts quickly,
while others can benefit from coaching. Many couples lose intimacy in
power struggles, focusing on the logic or emotional impact of their arguments -
not on finding satisfactory solutions. Both partners may feel cheated by the
other.
Couples who often disagree may have unresolved
transferences and/or
entanglements to parents, past-partners or
siblings, and/or values conflicts - often about children, sex, career, property or money.
Many people assume that understanding can resolve conflicts:
"If my partner really understood why I act this way, my partner
would do what I want". Many people try to resolve conflicts by repeatedly
stating their ideas. This repetition (nagging) is rarely useful - most couple
arguments and fights seem not to be based on misunderstandings, but on transferences,
entanglements and values conflicts.
3: Criticism and Contempt
One or both partners shows contempt for the other.
Initially, both partners ignored disliked behavior classing it as temporary or
stress-related. However, if disliked behavior is repeated, partners may
feel frustrated and wonder if the other partner is bad or just stupid.
The disliked behavior of the partner may be something he or she does, or doesn't
do, or something the partner believes or does not believe.
If conflicts are ignored, then 'big' issues may be ignored and
tiny actions may trigger emotional outbursts.
For example, if a partner suspects the other is having an
affair, but avoids clarifying the issue, a towel
left on the floor may precipitate an emotional volcano. Childish emotions may
surface - emotions buried during past abuse
or trauma. An adult may rage or sob like a child, perhaps making childish threats. (The risk of huge unpleasant emotions
seems to be higher if a partner has identified
with someone,
or suffers from codependence, passive-aggression or
emotional incest.)
Contempt can be expressed verbally or non-verbally (e.g.
eye-rolling). A partner showing contempt for the other, even subtlety, allows
an observant coach to predict the risk of emotional and/or physical
separation - unless some form of effective coaching or mentorship is accepted
by the partners.
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3. Our couple coaching includes
dissolving relationship bonds (powerful semi-conscious
limiting beliefs) and dissolving mentor damage
(damage from following prior advice).
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4: Attack and Defense
Most people react to contempt with counter-attacks and defensive
behavior. Many partners pretend to ignore ongoing contempt, until they feel overwhelmed
by unpleasant emotions. They may stop trying to resolve their differences, believing
that attempts at resolution can only result in further suffering or disappointment.
Then, following some last straw criticism or insult, the
relationship seems to be over.
Partners often accuse each other, perhaps with laundry
lists stretching back for years. They no longer express love, to avoid
disappointment and suffering, and to feel sane. If physical aggression,
disturbing threats or verbal abuse commence, threatened partners should
consider seeking safer accommodation.
Occasionally, the need of a person to punish self or
the partner can motivate extreme behavior, such as self-harm, murder or
suicide threats. Listen to threats carefully and take
all threats seriously. Note signs of
emotional immaturity, passive
aggression or chronic anger or rage.
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4. Our couple coaching includes
dissolving habits resulting from emotional incest
and other entanglements with ancestors, mentors
and past partners. Refer suicidal
clients to health professionals and do not support criminal behavior.
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5: Withdrawal and Avoidance
Partners who repeatedly defend themselves may stop trusting
their partners, and protect themselves by withdrawing. The partners avoid each
other to minimize suffering and disappointment. 'Work' may become more
attractive than 'home'. Sexual or intimate affairs
may be considered. (Withdrawal often allows unpleasant relationships
to continue longer than a couple may otherwise tolerate.)
Psychosomatic symptoms,
disinterest in one's own health, compulsions and obsessions may become obvious -
for alcohol,
television, food, computers or to other distractions. Some people in this phase
may lose a lot of body weight (especially if they feel guilty) - others eat 'comfort food' compulsively.
Partners with incompatible values may suffer seemingly
irresolvable conflicts. Minor issues (how much salt should be in the
soup?) seem magnified;
or the partners may avoid all communication. If either partner is unwilling to
recreate partnership, then the partnership may be over - often long before couples
physically or legally separate. (Many separated but
bonded couples continue to live
together for years.)
6: Death and Separation - From Denial to Acceptance
In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the acceptance of death by
people who are dying or grieving. If you compare the acceptance of death with
the acceptance of separation, you may better understand and predict the
behavior of the separating adult partners who experience separation crisis.
(Kubler-Ross, E (1969) On death and dying, Tavistock; Kubler-Ross, E (1975) Death:
Final stage of growth, Prentice-Hall)
Kubler-Ross wrote that many people first react to death with denial.
Similarly, a partner at this time may not listen carefully to the other partner
because he or she denies the possibility of separation.
Next Kubler-Ross described a feeling of anger towards oneself or
others. Similarly, one partner may become abusive to the other partner,
or criticize the other, or condemn the other partner to anyone who seems
to listen. They may try to punish themselves and each other in direct or indirect ways.
Next comes bargaining, often with promises to change. A person
with a terminal disease may say, "I will eat healthy foods and cure
myself". A person fearing separation may say, "I will spend time
with the children and save my marriage". Such bargaining may lead to
temporary reconciliation;
but bargains made under pressure may soon be ignored. Couples attempting
reconciliation may not stay together.
Most dying or grieving people experience depression
or mourning for what they have lost and what they will miss. Separating
partners lose their dreams and may fear a lonely future. They mourn the loss
of the pleasures of partnership and perhaps parenthood, the loss of intimacy, the
loss of a home and the loss of money. Symptoms of
depression are common among separating couples, especially among people
perceiving themselves as having few options for a satisfactory future.
Finally, some people accept death. They say their goodbyes and make
the most of their last days without anger or depression. Likewise, partners
who accept separation can become more emotionally mature.
Rather than trying to freeze the moment or to rewind the past -
they accept reality as it is.
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6. Our couple coaching
includes educating partners about these stages of crisis and separation,
and finding solutions that benefit both partners, their children ...
and any future partners. Some couples, having resolved their entanglements
and bonds, request coaching to commence a new partnership - with each other.
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If they Separate ... What do they learn? How do they benefit?
After separation, mature adults
often choose a relationship-free
period; dependent people quickly jump into new
relationships; and immature people obsess about revenge and punishment.
We coach people to make better relationship decisions! A failed
partnership does not mean that either partner is a failure.
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We coach partners to
solve problems, dissolve conflicts, plan goals and
develop partnership qualities. This exposes real human beings
and real dreams of happiness, while couples decide how they want to
express and receive love in everyday life.
Do you want to coach people to change entanglements, to
evaluate partnership, and to
enjoy partnership?
Contact us.
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Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 2008
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