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Real partners have real partnership
problems. People in affairs or couples who are emotionally separated may not have
partnership issues. We coach people to recognize, survive and resolve
partnership conflicts - to restore partnerships - to start new
partnerships - or to live independently.
We enjoy coaching couples to rebuild their relationships for lasting happiness,
and we help some couples to separate peacefully. We find that, for most people,
partnership separation or divorce is about as stressful as a death in the
family. A mutual, mature decision to separate comprises
less than 20% of divorces. (Jordan (1985)
Effects of marital separation on men"
Brisbane, Family Court of Australia.)
A breakup of committed partners is a major life event,
especially the first time. Most separating partners seem to follow predictable
steps as they try to cope with the stress of their relationship breakdown. (See
Divorce Coaching.)
And people who separate once ... seem more likely to do so again.
Are your Relationships Healthy or in Crisis?
I composed this little chart to make a quick check of
partnership health, although the chart can be useful when assessing many other
types of relationship (e.g. friends, team workers, neighbors ...)
| Healthy
Partnership |
Relationship in
Crisis |
| Partners show appreciation
and gratitude
to each other |
One or both are often dissociated,
irritated, depressed or critical |
| Partners respond to most
verbal and nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore, avoid
or shorten most
communications |
| Partners review events in their
history |
They rarely review their
relationship history |
| Partners greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together, without even silent intimacy |
| Partners enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
even criticize the other's goals and needs |
| Partners discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals, values or
dreams |
| Partners share meals and
housework together |
One person often eats or cleans
alone |
| Partners often go out
together |
They generally prefer to go out
alone |
| Partners create projects
which require committed cooperation |
One or both often avoid, ignore or give
small attention to shared projects |
| They wish to stay together
to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness |
One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and angrily demand changes |
| Partners want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
Long-term partners need not be dependent! Over half of first
marriages end in separation or divorce, and even more second marriages or subsequent
partnerships. One consequence is to health - singles, people in intimate couples
live about 4 years longer than singles. (Partnership is a life extension intervention,
Gottman and Silver, 1999).
Not resolving partnership problems is unhealthy and expensive.
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Unrealistic expectations are a root cause of
failed partnerships and play out in all aspects of a relationship. Also, 'I'm not good
enough' and 'You are not good enough' undermine happiness in partnership and in
life generally. Marina Budimir, Soulwork Coach
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Where are healthy role models for healthy partnership? So many
young people commence partnership with ideas based on their parents'
behavior, television shows, movies, sports and media stars, often using rock
music lyrics as toxic affirmations. Few people I meet seem to consider what beliefs and
skills are needed for mature partnership and parenthood, and even fewer
work to acquire those qualities.
There appear to be few role models for separating peacefully.
Many people find themselves repeating the drama of separated parents or of divorced
relatives or of movie characters. The only role models and advice that
many (most?) people have for separation and divorce can be frightfully toxic. Many separating partners seem to
work hard to ensure that the other
partner feels as badly as they do!
Coaching Partners through Partnership Breakdown
Real partners
have real partnership problems - people in affairs and people who stay
together for economic, religious or social reasons often avoid partnership
problems. All partners will be challenged by predictable stressors during their
partnership - yet few couples seem to prepare for them. We coach
couples to survive and benefit from challenges
... and we coach some couples to separate.
Should you coach friends? Coaching couples through difficulties is
complicated by immature emotional reactions, especially concerning children,
property and money.
As partners discuss
separation and sort through their 'dirty laundry',
they may be at their least resourceful and most prone to emotional outbursts.
They may want to forget this later ... and then they may avoid you.
Are you prepared for this? |
Step 1: Assess Partnership Skills & Emotional Baggage
Unskilled people can
damage what they try to fix. Many well-intentioned people not only lack mature partnership skills, they are
unaware that partnership skills exist. They perceive happy
couples as lucky and unhappy couples as unlucky. People who lack
partnership skills often give terrible advice, for example "If it's meant to
be - it will happen", or "Love can solve any problem".
Most partnership problems begin before a
partnership. Unresolved issues from childhood, from past trauma or from previous
partnerships become the emotional baggage that people take into new
relationships. The partners may express their emotional baggage directly, or
through their children.
Some partnership issues can begin early in a
partnership. Suicide threats ("If you leave me I'll ...") may be the most
toxic, perhaps followed by betrayal of previous partners, extravagant gifts and moving
in
together too quickly. These and other behaviors can plant seeds of future pain and disappointment.
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Our couple coaching
includes educating partners about crisis and separation,
and finding solutions that benefit both partners, their children ...
and future partners. Many couples, after resolving entanglements
and fixations, request our help to start a new partnership ... with each other.
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If you Separate ... How can you BOTH Benefit?
After separation, mature adults
often choose a relationship-free
period; dependent people quickly jump into affairs; and immature people
obsess about revenge and punishment. We coach people to make mature
relationship decisions! A failed
partnership does not mean that either partner is a failure.
Continued in Part 2
Solutions for Crisis - Step by Step
We coach motivated adults to
solve problems, dissolve conflicts, plan goals and
develop mature relationship skills.
This exposes real human beings
and real dreams of happiness! People can then better decide how they want to
express and receive love in their everyday lives.
Click HERE to make an appointment!
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 2008-2010
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