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Do you want couple coaching or
systemic coach training? Do you want to coach couples to resolve
relationship challenges? Do you want to coach partners to fulfill their
dreams? Contact us.
Do you have Partnership Problems?
Did you lose something in a partnership?
Do you now avoid any partnership? Do you avoid human contact, interaction and conflict?
Are you often dissociated? Do you sabotage your own success?
Do you avoid solving relationship issues?
Partnership Skills
A stable, happy partnership requires skill
- not luck. Partnership skills include friendly co-operation as
a partnership is usually an intimate team of two. Partnership
skills may be best learned from role models or mentors - but good role models
and mentors for happy partnership may not be easy to find.
A first step may be emotional freedom from your
early family. If you act in ways that please your family, you may reduce
your ability to express and receive love from a partner. If you feel that
your love for a partner should be to a family member (especially to an
opposite-sex parent) - you may find yourself involved in
emotional incest. Signs of emotional incest
include impotence &
frigidity, although there are many other causes of
marriage problems.
Do you want to evaluate partnership habits
and predict what happens next? The following tables show two
sets of behaviors; these are
not either-or situations rather they portray two extremes.
[
Divorce ] [
Divorce Children ]
[
Parent Alienation] [
Stress Disorders ]
1. Infatuation or Love?
Infatuation may last from a few days to a few years.
What many people call true love is usually the shortest phase of
a partnership. Love at
first sight may indicate transferences (one or both partners
do not see the other real person - instead responding to idealized images
based on need).
Love can last forever
if there is a strong basis for attraction, with mutual trust and shared
values. Infatuation may lead to long-term love - yet likely leads to a
short-term affair. (If you build relationships
on infatuation instead of love, you may be a love addict
- you may be addicted to fantasies and drama.)
|
Steps to Infatuation |
Steps to Love |
| You meet someone with whom you might fulfill
your romantic fantasies |
You meet someone who you find interesting and attractive |
| You hope that this person
can rescue you |
You check if you and this person are both available |
| You don't want to change anything |
You feel motivated to develop |
| You will do anything
to prolong your good feelings of being with this person |
You explore your
shared goals, history, ethics, expectations and values |
| Your life feels intensely romantic |
Exploring each other's worlds is fulfilling |
| You feel that all your needs and
desires can be fulfilled effortlessly |
You together consider and plan ways
to fulfill both of your needs and desires |
| You believe that your romantic feelings will last forever |
You do things together to build trust
and to witness each other in many contexts |
| You break rules to maintain good feelings |
You discuss the rules of your relationship |
| You believe that you can communicate
telepathically - without words |
You discuss many topics and compare your
heartfelt beliefs and values |
| You evade important issues and tell lies to
avoid "spoiling" your good feelings |
You tell candid truth to increase intimacy |
| You ignore important parts of your
life (friends, family, work, savings, etc) |
You share the important parts of your
life with this person |
| THIS is your One True Love - your Soul Mate -
and no other partner is possible! |
You know there are many potential
partners for you and this person seems like a good choice |
|
You’re in love! |
2. Disenchantment or Responsibilities?
Infatuation usually reaches a peak and then diminishes.
Reality intrudes when you must make ordinary, practical decisions. Although
your romantic fantasies may now seem unrealistic, love can continue to
grow as you fulfill your daily life responsibilities.
If you avoid responsibility,
see Mother's
Little Prince and
Daddy's Little Princess.
|
You feel disenchanted |
You accept responsibility |
|
Your fantasy is replaced by daily life |
Your daily
life is the reward of your work |
|
Romance is replaced by boredom or conflict |
Romance
grows as responsibilities are shared |
|
Something wonderful is slowly dying |
Something
wonderful is slowly being born |
|
You may feel that you are being cheated |
You may
feel that you are being rewarded |
|
Your partner cannot fulfill your dreams |
You fulfill your dreams of partnership |
|
You blame anything and anybody except yourself |
You take
credit for your efforts - and your mistakes |
|
You are very aware of other potential partners |
Other potential partners exist - and so what? |
3. Conflict and Withdrawal!
Tasks can become power contests.
Who takes out the garbage? Who will wash the dishes?
Unless resolved resolved, after some threshold of suffering you may
consider separation and/or affairs. With good coaching, you can learn
how to use conflicts to create better relationships.
If partnership conflicts follow miscarriages and abortions.
See
Consequences of Abortion
|
Conflicts can LOSE energy |
Conflicts can GAIN energy |
| You argue and fight over small issues |
You find fun ways to resolve small issues |
| You feel emotionally unavailable - dissociated |
You find nice ways to "stay in your body" |
| You become withdrawn or aggressive |
You find interesting ways to recharge |
| You fear loneliness or economic uncertainty |
You know that you are friendly and competent |
| You may long for lost intimacy and passion |
You invent ways to increase intimacy |
| Sexual intimacy decreases or stops - flirting or
romantic affairs may seem enticing |
Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows, and you learn to
ride the tide and go with the flow |
4. Evaluate your Partnership!
Conflicts and challenges are inevitable! Real partners solve
real partnership problems! Each of you can
choose to resolve conflicts and solve problems - or you may avoid or postpone
conflicts. We can coach you to evaluate your partnership and parenthood issues -
and we can
train you to coach others people.
If partnership difficulties include sexual
issues, see Sexual Solutions
|
Immature Assumptions |
Mature Evaluation |
| You assume that your partner
will never change |
You support your partner's
development |
| You assume
that your values, fears, transferences, habits etc will never change |
You evaluate your own values,
fears, transferences and habits, etc |
| You assume that you already know your partner's
values, commitments and limitations |
You evaluate your partner’s values, commitments
and limitations |
| You distract yourself with obsessions
and avoid your own and your partner's feelings |
You stay present, with compassion,
commitment and integrity |
| You assume
that your partner is a lost cause |
You look at yourself and your
partner as adults who choose to be together! |
5. Make a Decision!
If your relationship is in crisis, can you decide
whether or not you want to stay together?
- Do you have compatible national, social, educational and religious backgrounds?
- Do you have compatible financial, physical and economic situations?
- Do you have compatible professional, personal and family expectations?
- Do you both accept full responsibility for your decisions and actions?
|
Irresponsible |
Responsible |
| You do not discuss your needs and desires, or you
make demands and threats |
You discuss your basic needs and heartfelt desires
with your partner in friendly ways |
| You withhold your thoughts and feelings from your partner,
and perhaps share them with someone else! |
You share your thoughts
and feelings with your partner - even the uncomfortable ones |
| You dictate what your partner should think or feel! |
You welcome your partner's perspectives |
| You withhold the truth and avoid commitment! |
You are truthful and candid! |
| You cling to dreams of other potential partners! |
You clarify your past partnerships |
| You repeat the patterns of your parents! |
You dissolve any toxic family patterns |
| You follow toxic role models without question! |
You search for role models for happy partnership |
| You do not discuss your challenges with anybody! |
You discuss your challenges with good friends |
| You want your partner to fulfill all your needs! |
You want your partnership to make sense |
6. Stay or Separate?
You and your partner may never consider separation – or you
may stay together while emotionally separating - or you may separate while one
of you attempts to cling to the other, or to the relationship.
|
Separating requires one decision |
Partnership requires two decisions |
| Do you want to make life choices independent
of your partner? |
Do you both commit to creating a
satisfying, fulfilling partnership? |
| Do you want to resolve life issues
independent of your partner? |
Do you both accept conflicts as
opportunities to learn and develop? |
| Do you want to end economic and emotional bonds to your partner? |
Can you both work together to
create ongoing contentment and satisfaction? |
| Do you want your feelings and emotions to
be independent of your partner's behavior? |
Do you both discuss your feelings and
not-so-pleasant emotions? |
| Do you want to be available for a new partnership? |
Do you both accept the responsibilities of your partnership
roles? |
7. Commit to Partnership - or - Start Again?
Do you have the skills needed for a happy partnership? Instead of
enjoying partnership – you may settle for less ... a lot less. You may hope that
a happy partnership will magically happen - somehow - effortlessly. Many
people repeat this cycle until they have no more energy
- or no more life.
[ Enjoying
Partnership ] [
Evaluating Partnership ] [
Space for Love ]
|
You commit to partnership and integrate your needs and goals |
You explore new relationship
possibilities, learning from your experience |
| Can you both define and fulfill your partnership
responsibilities? |
Can you define what you want and what you
would give in a partnership? |
| Can you anticipate each other’s actions and
resolve conflicts quickly? |
Can you accept yourself as you are and commit
to being true to yourself? |
| Can you both accept reality as it is and
work together as a team? |
Can you list what you want to change (in
yourself) and create a changework plan? |
| Can you both commit to partnership while maintaining
your own identities? |
Can you list essential, non-negotiable
characteristics of an appropriate partner? |
| Can you both be realistic and
independent in an evolving partnership? |
Can you consider how you can identify
and attract suitable potential partners? |
Ending a potentially wonderful partnership because one of you clings to
unrealistic expectations can be unpleasant and distressing. Why
not benefit from our couple coaching?
We can coach you to build happier
partnership and to find effective, long-term solutions for partnership problems. Is it time to build a happy partnership? Or do you want to
coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve complex relationship challenges
and enjoy life? Contact us.
Relationship Coaching ...
Systemic Coach Training ...
Your Next Step
© Martyn Carruthers 2000, 2008 All rights reserved.
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or telephone: +4 860 275 8295 or +38 591 881 2682