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I wrote this as an attempt to sort out
some of the essential differences between love and infatuation - between affairs
and healthy partnership. This article is for adults who
want to understand relationship challenges and fulfill dreams of sharing life
together.
Many couples start a partnership based on
immature fantasies, with limited partnership skills ... let alone parenthood
skills. They often "wake up" a few months or a few years later ...
perhaps with children and debts ... wondering who is this
person that they are partnered to.
We help motivated couples recognize and dissolve
their fantasies, in such a way that they can discover both themselves and each
other. This open the possibility for a reborn partnership based on honesty and
maturity ... as couples start again as real people with practical dreams of
happiness.
Is your Partnership Healthy? Read
Unblock Relationship Problems
Relationship Problems are Normal
As a teenager, I thought that happy partnership was mostly luck. Like
so many others, I learned about relationships
from watching my family, TV, movies and from listening to the lyrics of love songs. It
wasn't at all clear to me then that happy partnership requires supportive beliefs,
shared values, teamwork and many, many relationship skills.
As few people appear to be educated in partnership
and parenting skills, over half of the couples you know will likely suffer
partnership breakdown
- and many people you know will separate and divorce more than once.
Relatively few couples that you know will live happy ever after.
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We have been happy together for 40 years ...
I am often told how lucky I am ...
my wife tells me that she molded me into something she can live with ...
I think she is joking ...
Oregon, USA |
Part of the reason may be that there's little financial
gain from happy people! There's tons of money to be made from lonely, bored
people who search for distractions. There's tons of money to be made from
anti-depressants and stimulants. There's tons of money to be made from unhappy
relationships!
Observe how couples and families are portrayed on television
... listen carefully to modern love songs ... check the divorce statistics ...
explore what you and your children accept as normal! Those few mature couples who enjoy lasting happy partnership have
worked hard to develop and maintain their joyful harmony - in a society where
it may be normal for immature partners to barely tolerate each other.
So often, one partner says "Our partnership is basically OK"
while the other feels on the edge of crisis or separation.
Partnership Requires Maturity!
One step to maturity is emotional
freedom from your family of origin. If an adult is overly concerned
about pleasing a parent, that person probably has problems sharing love with
a partner. If an adult feels closer to a family member (especially an opposite-sex
parent, a child or a sibling) than to a partner - he or she may be enmeshed in
emotional incest.
(Signs of covert emotional incest include immaturity,
impotence & frigidity,
and affairs, although there are many other
causes of marriage problems.)
In the following tables, I compare the consequences of
immature infatuation with the results of mature love. This table
also compares immature and mature partnership skills. (The use of
partnership skills requires an attitude that I generally call maturity -
an attitude that's hard to fake).
1. Infatuation or Love?
Infatuation may last from a few days to a few years.
What many people call true love is usually the shortest phase of
a partnership. Love at first sight often indicates
transferences (one or both partners
do not see the other as real people - instead as idealized images
based on need ... see soul mates).
|
Steps to Infatuation |
Steps to Love |
| You meet someone with whom
you might fulfill your romantic fantasies |
You meet someone who you
find interesting, mature and attractive |
| You hope that this person
can rescue you |
You check if you are both
available |
| You don't want to change anything |
You feel inspired
to develop yourself |
| You will do anything
to prolong your good feelings of being with this person |
You explore your
shared goals, history, ethics, expectations, morals and values |
| Your life feels intensely
romantic |
You enjoy exploring
each other's reality |
| You hope that all your needs and
desires can be fulfilled effortlessly |
You together consider and plan ways
to fulfill both of your needs and desires |
| You believe that your good
feelings will last forever |
You do things together to
build trust and to see each other in many contexts, even stressful |
| You break rules to maintain
good feelings |
You discuss the rules of
your relationship |
| You believe that you can
communicate telepathically - without words |
You discuss many topics
and compare your heartfelt beliefs and values |
| You evade important issues and tell
lies to avoid spoiling your nice feelings |
You tell candid truth to increase
intimacy |
| You ignore important parts
of your life (friends, family, work, savings, etc) |
You share important parts
of your life, including the darker times |
| THIS is your One
True Love - your Soul Mate -
no other partner is possible! |
You know there
are many potential partners for you and this person seems like a good choice |
|
You’re in love! |
Love can last for life if there is a strong basis for
attraction, with mutual trust, shared values and a willingness to solve
problems. Infatuation might lead to lasting love - yet more likely
leads to disappointment and affairs.
(People who repeatedly build relationships on infatuation instead of love, may
be love addicts - addicted to the intense emotions associated with fantasies and drama.)
2. Disenchantment or Responsibilities?
Infatuation usually reaches a peak and then diminishes.
Reality intrudes when people must make ordinary, practical decisions ... when
romantic fantasies may start to feel unrealistic. Yet mature love can continue to
grow as people plan, assign and fulfill daily life responsibilities together.
Maturity and responsibility are ongoing
choices - they are not gifts that can be given.
|
You feel disenchanted |
You accept responsibility |
|
Your fantasy is replaced by daily life |
Your daily
life is the reward of your work |
|
Romance is replaced by boredom or conflict |
Love
grows as responsibilities are shared |
|
Something wonderful is slowly dying |
Something
wonderful is slowly being born |
|
You may feel that you are being cheated |
You may
feel that you are being rewarded |
|
Your partner cannot fulfill your dreams |
You clarify your dreams
of partnership |
|
You blame anything and anybody except yourself |
You take
credit for your efforts - and responsibility for your mistakes |
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You are very aware of other potential partners |
Other potential partners exist
... so what? |
If you generally avoid responsibility,
see Little Prince and
Little Princess.
3. Conflict and Withdrawal!
Tasks can become power contests.
Who takes out the garbage? Who will wash the dishes?
Unless resolved, after some threshold of suffering, many people withdraw or
react childishly,
perhaps considering separation and/or
affairs. Yet mature people can use these same conflicts to improve
their relationships!
|
Conflicts LOSE energy |
Conflicts GAIN energy |
| You argue and fight over
small issues |
You find fun ways to resolve
small issues |
| You feel emotionally unavailable
- dissociated |
You find nice ways to "be
in your body" |
| You become withdrawn or aggressive |
You find interesting ways to recharge |
| You fear loneliness or
uncertainty |
You know that you are
friendly and competent |
| You may long for lost
intimacy and passion |
You invent ways to
increase intimacy |
| Sexual intimacy decreases or
stops as flirting or romantic affairs seem more interesting |
Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows,
and you learn to ride the tide and go with the flow |
I and my graduates coach motivated adults to
untangle old habits and change limiting beliefs, as steps to taking responsibility.
Rather than nagging a partner to change, consider exploring and expanding
your own sense of life. Lasting happiness is hard to ignore!
Continued in Partnership
Skills 2 ... Evaluate and Decide
We coach people to build mature partnerships
and to find effective, lasting solutions for
partnership problems. Is it time
for happy partnership - or for partnership
breakdown?
Click HERE to make an appointment!
© Martyn Carruthers 2000-2010 All rights reserved.
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