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eXTReMe Tracker

Relationship Skills for Intimate Relationships
Mature and Immature Love © Martyn Carruthers

Click HERE to make an appointment!

I wrote this as an attempt to sort out some of the essential differences between love and infatuation - between affairs and healthy partnership. This article is for adults who want to understand relationship challenges and fulfill dreams of sharing life together.

Many couples start a partnership based on immature fantasies, with limited partnership skills ... let alone parenthood skills. They often "wake up" a few months or a few years later ... perhaps with children and debts ... wondering who is this person that they are partnered to.

We help motivated couples recognize and dissolve their fantasies, in such a way that they can discover both themselves and each other. This open the possibility for a reborn partnership based on honesty and maturity ... as couples start again as real people with practical dreams of happiness.

Is your Partnership Healthy? Read Unblock Relationship Problems

Relationship Problems are Normal

As a teenager, I thought that happy partnership was mostly luck. Like so many others, I learned about relationships from watching my family, TV, movies and from listening to the lyrics of love songs.  It wasn't at all clear to me then that happy partnership requires supportive beliefs, shared values, teamwork and many, many relationship skills.

As few people appear to be educated in partnership and parenting skills, over half of the couples you know will likely suffer partnership breakdown - and many people you know will separate and divorce more than once. Relatively few couples that you know will live happy ever after.

We have been happy together for 40 years ... I am often told how lucky I am ...
my wife tells me that she molded me into something she can live with ...
I think she is joking ...
Oregon, USA

Part of the reason may be that there's little financial gain from happy people! There's tons of money to be made from lonely, bored people who search for distractions. There's tons of money to be made from anti-depressants and stimulants. There's tons of money to be made from unhappy relationships!

Observe how couples and families are portrayed on television ... listen carefully to modern love songs ... check the divorce statistics ... explore what you and your children accept as normal! Those few mature couples who enjoy lasting happy partnership have worked hard to develop and maintain their joyful harmony - in a society where it may be normal for immature partners to barely tolerate each other.

So often, one partner says "Our partnership is basically OK" while the other feels on the edge of crisis or separation.

Partnership Requires Maturity!

One step to maturity is emotional freedom from your family of origin. If an adult is overly concerned about pleasing a parent, that person probably has problems sharing love with a partner. If an adult feels closer to a family member (especially an opposite-sex parent, a child or a sibling) than to a partner - he or she may be enmeshed in emotional incest. (Signs of covert emotional incest include immaturity, impotence & frigidity, and affairs, although there are many other causes of marriage problems.)

In the following tables, I compare the consequences of immature infatuation with the results of mature love. This table also compares immature and mature partnership skills. (The use of partnership skills requires an attitude that I generally call maturity - an attitude that's hard to fake).

1. Infatuation or Love?

Infatuation may last from a few days to a few years. What many people call true love is usually the shortest phase of a partnership. Love at first sight often indicates transferences (one or both partners do not see the other as real people - instead as idealized images based on need ... see soul mates).

Steps to Infatuation Steps to Love
You meet someone with whom you might fulfill your romantic fantasies You meet someone who you find interesting, mature and attractive
You hope that this person can rescue you You check if you are both available
You don't want to change anything You feel inspired to develop yourself
You will do anything to prolong your good feelings of being with this person You explore your shared goals, history, ethics, expectations, morals and values
Your life feels intensely romantic You enjoy exploring each other's reality
You hope that all your needs and desires can be fulfilled effortlessly You together consider and plan ways to fulfill both of your needs and desires
You believe that your good feelings will last forever You do things together to build trust and to see each other in many contexts, even stressful
You break rules to maintain good feelings You discuss the rules of your relationship
You believe that you can communicate telepathically - without words You discuss many topics and compare your heartfelt beliefs and values
You evade important issues and tell lies to avoid spoiling your nice feelings You tell candid truth to increase intimacy
You ignore important parts of your life (friends, family, work, savings, etc) You share important parts of your life, including the darker times
THIS is your One True Love - your Soul Mate - no other partner is possible! You know there are many potential partners for you and this person seems like a good choice
You’re in love!

Love can last for life if there is a strong basis for attraction, with mutual trust, shared values and a willingness to solve problems. Infatuation might lead to lasting love - yet more likely leads to disappointment and affairs. (People who repeatedly build relationships on infatuation instead of love, may be love addicts - addicted to the intense emotions associated with fantasies and drama.)

2. Disenchantment or Responsibilities?

Infatuation usually reaches a peak and then diminishes. Reality intrudes when people must make ordinary, practical decisions ... when romantic fantasies may start to feel unrealistic. Yet mature love can continue to grow as people plan, assign and fulfill daily life responsibilities together.

Maturity and responsibility are ongoing choices - they are not gifts that can be given.

You feel disenchanted You accept responsibility
Your fantasy is replaced by daily life Your daily life is the reward of your work
Romance is replaced by boredom or conflict Love grows as responsibilities are shared
Something wonderful is slowly dying Something wonderful is slowly being born
You may feel that you are being cheated You may feel that you are being rewarded
Your partner cannot fulfill your dreams You clarify your dreams of partnership
You blame anything and anybody except yourself You take credit for your efforts - and responsibility for your mistakes
You are very aware of other potential partners Other potential partners exist ... so what?

If you generally avoid responsibility, see Little Prince and Little Princess.

3. Conflict and Withdrawal!

Tasks can become power contests. Who takes out the garbage? Who will wash the dishes? Unless resolved, after some threshold of suffering, many people withdraw or react childishly, perhaps considering separation and/or affairs. Yet mature people can use these same conflicts to improve their relationships!

Conflicts LOSE energy Conflicts GAIN energy
You argue and fight over small issues You find fun ways to resolve small issues
You feel emotionally unavailable - dissociated You find nice ways to "be in your body"
You become withdrawn or aggressive You find interesting ways to recharge
You fear loneliness or uncertainty You know that you are friendly and competent
You may long for lost intimacy and passion You invent ways to increase intimacy
Sexual intimacy decreases or stops as flirting or romantic affairs seem more interesting Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows, and you learn to ride the tide and go with the flow

I and my graduates coach motivated adults to untangle old habits and change limiting beliefs, as steps to taking responsibility. Rather than nagging a partner to change, consider exploring and expanding your own sense of life. Lasting happiness is hard to ignore!

Continued in Partnership Skills 2 ... Evaluate and Decide

We coach people to build mature partnerships and to find effective, lasting solutions for
partnership problems. Is it time for happy partnership - or for partnership breakdown?

Click HERE to make an appointment!

© Martyn Carruthers 2000-2010 All rights reserved.


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Good Questions

Good Answers

Training

1. Where are you now? Assess relationship bonds and entanglements Systems 1
2. What are your life goals?  Identify your life goals ... and what blocks you Systems 2
3. How to reach your goals?  Use your conscious and unconscious resources Systems 3
4. What stops you?  Dissolve abuse and trauma to rebuild motivation Systems 4
5. What else stops you? Change your limiting beliefs to end dependence Systems 5
6. What else stops you? Resolve identity loss to recover qualities and skills Systems 6
7. What else stops you? Heal mentor damage and find quality mentorship Systems 7
8. What about your partnership? Build happy partnership (or separate peacefully) Systems 8
9. What about your children? We coach parents to resolve family problems Systems 9
10. What about your success? We coach team leaders and teams ... together Systems 10
11. What about your community? We coach community leaders and communities Systems 11
12. What about complex goals? Specialty coaching & training for unusual goals Specialty

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We help people define and achieve goals, resolve emotional blocks and improve relationships. This information is for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Don't steal ... ask Martyn for permission to post or publish his work.