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Do you still suffer from your parents'
immaturity?
Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions?
We can help you untangle
your life and reclaim your freedom.
Are You a Good Parent?
Parenting is not easy - parents
have so much to learn and often lack good role models.
Many parents tell us that they tried to copy actors on TV shows.
Do babies inspire you? For me, looking into a baby's
eyes can be like looking into infinity. Holding a baby helps me touch
the beauty of the world, the fragility of life and my connection to
humanity. For me, each child is a miracle representing the parents' creativity.
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Our eldest boy is a medical doctor, his sister is getting
her MBA and youngest is doing volunteer work in Nepal. We are so proud
of them ... we're not sure what we did right. |
But why do so many babies become lost adults? How do
children lose their value of being human? We can help parents to return
to that sacred space. Together, we can glimpse that beauty and
sacredness, and bring it into our families and our relationships.
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My neighbor has three children from three different fathers.
The eldest (25) is in prison,
the next (22) is schizophrenic and the youngest (19) is addicted to crystal meth.
She did her best for her children. What else could she do? |
Few children seem to realize how small and weak and clumsy
and delicate they are. Depending on their age, you may want to offer
them authority, advice, guidance, mentorship or coaching. Are you sure
of your role? Life situations require life skills, and children's needs
change rapidly. Do your children complain
about your parenting?
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Most children are five or six years old
before they notice that many adults treat them as if they are stupid. Even then,
it will be another twelve to fifteen years before they have civil rights and a
further five years before they can have professional opportunities.
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Parental Roles
I’ll never understand parents ... being a
parent doesn’t seem to help.
For me, the primary duty of a parent is to prepare
children for mature adulthood. It is too easy to say, "Love your
children" ... that can mean anything. Here are some common roles of
responsible, mature parents ... difficulties arise in how to fulfill those roles
in different cultures:
- Guiding
- Teaching
- Listening
- Protecting
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- Cooking
- Bathing
- Cleaning
- Taxi driver
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- Teaching values
- Setting boundaries
- Being role models
- Model social skills
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- Motivating
- Supporting
- Encouraging
- Letting go
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An important part of parental relationships is
letting children explore the world for themselves ... preparing
children to learn from their successes and mistakes. Parents often
need to take a step back. This need not mean that they lose their
children ... stepping back can make their relationships stronger.
We note that the more parents cling to their children - the harder
their children must push them away.
Do your children have two active parents? Do you and a partner
provide a peaceful, protected home in which your children can develop? Do you
and your partner discuss and solve problems quickly and peacefully? If not - do
you want
couple coaching?
Sometimes you can't give back to your
parents - you can give forward to your children.
If you are a single parent,
you may try to compensate for your missing partner. You may try to be
father and mother to your children. You will fail, of course, and the
consequences may not be pleasant. If you provide a confusing role model,
you may distort the sexual orientation of your children.
Humans are the only creatures on
this planet who let their adult children come back home.
We can help you know what you did well ...
and what you may have missed ... and find ways to fill any gaps.
We can explore what's best for you. We help people with relationship
problems such as abortion,
addiction, adoption,
parental
alienation, learning
disabilities, child
abuse & divorce.
Do you live in Healthy Community?
Your parenting may be complicated by a permissive yet
aggressive world. Economic, political and social forces await your children
at school, in sports, at entertainment and at home. Marketing lies,
disappointments, competition and cult-like organizations can tempt,
distract and damage your children's efforts to cope with an increasingly
complex and often dangerous world.
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We were trying to be perfect parents - and we were
exhausted from looking after our business and our own parents, as well
as helping our children with school problems ... you helped us sort
it all out. We are becoming a real family. London, Ontario |
Single parents may have additional burdens. Are you
trying to be mother and father? Are you teaching your children how to
cope with a changing world? Their world is very different to the world
when you were a child. The consequences of not teaching your
children how to cope include:
- distressing family relationships
- low self-esteem
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- academic underachievement
- missed opportunities
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Your children must make decisions using
their limited judgment, self-control and problem solving skills. Your
child's failures can indicate where your coaching was needed. Or can
you become proactive? Can you anticipate their problems and coach them
first?
- develop your children's social
and emotional skills
- help your children manage emotions,
chores and homework
- strive to accept and understand your
children, not criticize and lecture
- help your children choose appropriate skills
for different circumstances
- observe your child's emotional and social
skills and provide practice time
- monitor where your children were
successful, and where they had difficulty
- help your children work out why things go
wrong, instead of punishing them
- help your children by discussing
which skills can cope with which problems
- show that you support your children and
help them explore why difficulties arose
Your children may pay more attention to your
parenting if they feel that you are all in the family together. You support
safe conversations when you discuss your own errors, with helpful feedback.
When your children see you using coaching skills, they are much more
likely to follow your lead.
Adopted Children
Maybe talk about adoption early and often - make it a normal
topic for both you and your child. Step-parents can gradually introduce the
theme and keep pace
with an adopted child’s developing emotions.
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Our adopted son struggled with attention
deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). This wrecks his attempts to plan
and manage himself as well as his schoolwork. But since our couple coaching he
has started
improving.
(See
Prevent Learning Disabilities) |
Step-parenting is challenging. Discuss adoption throughout
your child’s life. Give adopted children plenty of time to process it.
Adjust your talks about adoption to a child’s age and development.
Speak positively about your adopted child’s birth or
biological parents. Attribute some of your child’s skills and features to
the birth parents. Most adopted children will hear criticisms of their
genetic parents as criticisms of themselves - and react. Explain that
the birth parents did everything they could to ensure their children would
be cared for, and that children can love two sets of parents.
Adopted
Children
Emotional Maturity Single Parents
Sibling Rivalry
Children's Relationship Skills
Important relationship skills for young children include
taking turns, sharing, greetings, goodbyes, helping, following directions,
thanks, apologies and compliments. Most children learn by watching their
parents, other children and teachers. Children need love, coaching
and mentorship.
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My sister and I are both over 30 - and
we have been fighting since we were teenagers.
We fought mostly about how to look after our problematic parents! We asked
to be demonstration subjects for your workshop on couple coaching.
Since then, we can both like each other. It's like magic.
Rijeka, Croatia |
Children who do not learn family skills may suffer
emotional blocks and social impairments. Here are a few possibilities
to help children become friendly and socially competent:
- Use games and stories to
help children learn
- Help your child build relationship
skills appropriate to their age
- Provide opportunities for your child
to try their skills with other children
- Find ways for your child to practice
with younger children to build confidence
Online Coaching for Emotional and Relationship Issues
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, All rights reserved 2004-2012
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