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I wrote this after coaching people from
many cultures to dissolve parental fixations and enmeshments with their children.
Mother-son bonds also have predictable consequences,
although different.
We coach people to dissolve cross-generational emotional issues and build healthy families.
Continued from: Daddy's
Princess - Part 1
Patterns of Love - Patterns of Need
Consider a simplified family of a father, mother and daughter. It is
right and wonderful that parents love their daughter - as a daughter.
But if a father loves his daughter as a substitute for a special friend or
as a surrogate for a partner, chaos and suffering will follow - perhaps
for decades
Few
girls can resist the love of a needy father. The daughter may feel that her mother does not appreciate
her father enough,
and try to give her father the love that her mother seems to withhold. A mother
may react with anger to this; she may distract herself, she may withdraw into
depression, anxiety or disease - or she may feel compelled to leave the
family - perhaps not even knowing why.
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Women who fixate on their fathers may be unable to maintain a partnership
with another man - unless the man takes a place as her "father" ...
or as her "son"!
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If an immature father
treats his daughter as a special friend, his marriage may be the first casualty.
He loves his daughter as
another woman. An entangled daughter may later seek immature men as substitutes for her immature
father. A family may not
confront this issue unless the daughter becomes depressed or suicidal -
and maybe not then. See Teenage Girl in Trouble.
Such covert emotional incest sometimes escalates to sexual incest.
Father-daughter sexual incest accounts for about one third of all
child sexual abuse, although covert incest is far
more common. If a daughter lacks an authentic father, Daughter may create a fantasy
father, and bond to her fantasy. Later in life she may forever seek someone like her fantasy.
Although she may be a Daddy's Princess - sooner or later, every
princess wants to be a queen.
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My parents never took me seriously ... I was the family
baby. Since our
sessions my family started treating me as an adult. Also, I started a
relationship with a man who treats me like a real woman - for the first time
ever. The last seven months have been wonderful and we plan to get married.
Toronto, Canada |
Sometimes one parent tries to alienate the other parent in the mind
of their child - this leads to a different set of unpleasant consequences, sometimes called
Parental Alienation.
Princess in a Dark Tower
Daughter may suffer conflict. Part of her may communicate
to Father: "YES - I'll be the special child-woman that you need!"
Another part may say: "NO - I will not do this. I
withdraw or rebel or leave until you accept me as your daughter!"
Daughter may become moody and depressed. She cannot
enjoy a healthy partnership. She may become fascinated by drugs, sex,
New Age ideas and leaving home. (See
Troubled Teenage Girl). If she perceives one
parent as a victim, she may identify with the perceived victim and show
chronic anger.
If a father expects his daughter to fulfill his emotional
needs, this confusion may lead to physical incest. Daughter's consequences
may include chronic depression, suicide, psychosis and
drug addiction.
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People entangled with their parents are
often obsessed with being special. Love is not enough - they want adoration.
Entangled adults may become angry, anxious or depressed if people fail
to respect how special they are. They may say that they shouldn't have to
earn your respect ...
A need to be special is
often a symptom of troubled relationships and emotional problems! |
If her parents do separate, the daughter may express her
mother's anger to her father. Such a daughter may avoid contact with
her father until adolescence, when she may feel compelled to meet him.
The daughter may then reject her mother and live with her father or find a
partner who is very like Father.
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I tried to show my ex-wife how much I loved
her in many ways ... but she always compared me to her father ... I could never
compete with him ... then I stopped trying. Montreal, Canada |
A bonded daughter may seek immature
older men (substitutes for father), or avoid partnership -
either by withdrawal (perhaps into a career, drugs or psychosis) or
by shallow romances. She may only be attracted to married men or
she may decide that she is lesbian. She may become obsessed with
her family and feel unable to leave them. Her risk of
depression and anxiety increases as she grows older.
Daughter's Rebellion
If father-daughter bonding is sanctioned by family and
culture, a daughter's attempts to escape may incur family and community
wrath. The combination of parental, family, community and religious
pressure can be extreme. Many young women leave home - some by
suicide - rather than conform.
If an enmeshed daughter rebels against her father, we see three
common possibilities. Daughter may take a passive helpless-child
role, an aggressive dominant-mother role, or a conflicted
passive-aggressive role.
Daughter may rebel against her father, or
against all men. Daughter may avoid intimate relationships or
only have relationships with immature men. She cannot understand why
her relationships aren't happy for long. She may distract herself with
her work, food, alcohol, drugs or promiscuous sex.
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Parent-child codependence is normal in southern Europe.
My mother wished so much to be with my older brother, and my father was
angry and dissatisfied. I was sent each day to 'humor father' after work -
Mom told me how to please him. I said Yes and No to Father, as you
describe and followed the patterns that you describe. I'm not sure that
I'm not doing it still. My mother wanted to be with my brother, so,
there was no betrayal, I think. Skopje, Macedonia |
Daughter may unconsciously minimize male attention
with obesity, or with an unattractive complexion or smell. Is she
an adult-girl? Is she a child-woman? Is
she Mother’s rival? Who is she?
Emotions of Bonded Daughters
A Daughter who receives her father's inappropriate
love will often express unpleasant emotions:
- Sadness about her lost childhood
- Anger about emotional pressure from men
- Guilt for leaving father and alienating mother
- Fear of being rejected by men (can’t say “No”)
- Anxiety of being controlled by men (can’t say “Yes”)
Daughter's Relationship Cycle
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I had more boyfriends than any of my friends. I thought they
were jealous when they said that I would never be happy with one man. By 34
I had over 80 boyfriends. I was SICK of it - but any man was boring after a
few weeks. Since your coaching ... I have been married for two years now ...
I have a wonderful husband and a baby girl. Thank you. Warsaw, Poland |
Following emotional incest, many women follow a sad pattern:
- She meets a man who reminds her of her father
- The man becomes increasingly demanding and moody
- She finds herself acting overly compliant or overly controlling
- One or both may feel trapped and seek distractions or affairs
- She may sabotage and end their partnership, and/or
- They may create an addict-helper codependent relationship, and/or
- They may create or adopt a baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy
Few other helping professionals seem to
offer effective ways to resolve intergenerational emotional incest.
See
Preventing Learning Disabilities for solutions for many family
entanglements.
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My wife kept saying I was like her father.
When I suggested that we get coaching, I thought she would
explode. Since our sessions, we have changed enormously.
She rarely acts like a little girl now - nor does she try
to mother me. Instead she is the woman of my dreams.
Zagreb, Croatia |
When you have suffered enough ... we are
here.
We help people untangle
family entanglements and find emotional freedom.
Daddy's Princess -
Part 1 . Teenager in Trouble
Online Coaching & Mentorship
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Email from a Teenage Girl (USA, age 18
- verbatim) girls can love their fathers
even if they reject their mothers.. it doesnt matter . most parents
love their children more than their spouses , thats a very obvious
good thing. there is no such thing as incest. .. incest existed
many years ago. but thats differnt.
girls who have deep loving relationships with their fathers and
not with their mothers are in no danger . a father and daughter
who love eachother like crazy .. is what saves a child!!!
a girl has one parent. a father. the mother at the most grows to
be a friend.
emotional incest has no defination . its upto
the child. i know children who are madly inlvoe with their parents!!
daughters who simple lvoe their fathers and thse are the happiest
children. every family should be like that. it shouldnt
be boring. it should be exciting , it should have passion!!! why
not!
some daughters kiss their fathers passionately on their lips!! a
friend kisses her dad like. she lieks scaring people. hehe. but if a child
doenst consider it to be emotional incest , then it is not.
a partner is just a legal way of having sex.. than getting
invloved with hookers and porno. but most parents are sooo
inlvoe with their children.. sex is boring. true love is more
than god. thats why parnents and childrne want to be inlove and
be happy together. if that is emotinal incet,. thank god for
it!! iam for it!! hhaha.
How have childish beliefs affected your partnership and parenthood? |
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1999-2011 All rights reserved.
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