You probably feel connected to some people in the the family, teams and communities to which you belong. You probably enjoy a special sharing, empathy and compassion for special people.

Entanglements and bonds refer to feelings of connection - pleasant or unpleasant. Do you carry other people's burdens - whether those people are living, missing or dead? Do your parents try to partner you? Does a partner cling to fantasies and avoid responsibility (act like a child) or become super-responsible (act like a parent) ... or both? If you participate in their fantasies - you enmesh or triangulate yourself in their drama and their history.

If your parents were unhappy, you may strive to fulfill their unfulfilled desires. If you feel emotionally enmeshed - you may be diagnosed as having attachment disorders, passive aggression, personality disorders, sexual problems, psychosomatic symptoms, anxiety, guilt and/or depression. We find that untangling family relationships can dissolve many mental health symptoms.

If you try to carry your parents' emotional baggage, you will probably fail. If you try to complete the unfinished business of your grandparents - you will probably fail. Then you may retreat into depression, or you might distract yourself from unpleasant feelings with obsessions or addictions.

We note that first children seem to be more often entangled with parents. First children often carry a heavy emotional burden, and first pregnancies have a higher risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, crib death ... and abortion. First children seem to have a higher risk of a fatal disease, and more often suffer from chronic mental, physical and sexual problems. We doubt that this is coincidence.

Parents who Sabotage Children

With the notable exception of abortion, very few parents deliberately kill their own children. Most parents have good intentions - and usually strive to give their children what they lacked when they were young. Most parents wish to protect their children, and to support them to adult independence.

Some parents are abusive and manipulative - even with adult children. Some parents expect their children to be obedient, or to look after them as they age, or to act as parents to their younger siblings. Yet even the most abusive parents usually claim good intentions.

Good intentions can have unpleasant consequences. A lonely parent may express love to a child in ways more appropriate for a friend or partner. If a parent loves a child as a substitute for a friend or partner, emotional chaos will follow, often across generations. Later as adults, the adult children may watch their children and grandchildren act out and try to cope with their unresolved issues.

Covert emotional incest can damage the ability to set boundaries and take care of needs. It can damage sexuality and the ability to create and enjoy happy partnership. Emotional incest can motivate people to avoid commitment and over-bond to children as they recreate their parents' drama.

A Daddy's Princess or a Little Prince may relate well to immature people but not so well to mature adults. They may find themselves sexually excited by, or falling in love with, immature or irresponsible people whom they neither like nor trust. Or they may seek partners who will parent them.

Solutions for Entanglements & Transference

Mistaken identity may be called transference. A mother may behave as if her son were her partner - or a father loves his daughter in ways that are more appropriate for a wife. For more on family enmeshment, see mother-son bonds and father-daughter entanglements.

Transferences are unconscious ties and emotional lies. Transferences motivate inappropriate behavior - including poor career choices, addictive relationships and unneeded divorce. Transference often motivates short-term pleasures at the high cost of long-term happiness. Expect to hear words like ... I love you (only) because you remind me of ...

And when transferences fail - as they must, being lies - one or both partners may withdraw into crisis, distractions or depression. Then, bonded by entanglements or transference loops, they may feel empty, and/or overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions ... or both! Separation or divorce become likely if such a couple cannot create a fresh start.

Instead of adding meaning to life, entanglements more often support manipulation, emotional blackmail and codependence. Demands beginning with “If you REALLY loved me you would …” often expose transferences and triangulation.

We help motivated adults dissolve these and similar issues ... and build mature, healthy relationships.

Did your parents entangle you in their issues? Do you feel responsible for your parents' emotions?