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Your relationships with your early family may be the most
influential relationships of your life.
Confusion in family relationships can
lead to confusion throughout your life;
and the lives of your partner and children. We can help you change toxic
emotional bonds.
Coaching Teenagers
Coaching Young Adults
Coaching Older Clients
Coaching Difficult Clients
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We help prevent emotional incest being transmitted
across generations by coaching adults who are overly intimate with
children, by coaching children and by public education.
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Covert emotional incest begins when a person loves a family member as a replacement
or substitute for a partner. If covert emotional incest is ignored -
the whole family will likely suffer. If you are affected by covert emotional
incest in your family, we can help you.
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People who fixate on a
parent may be unable to maintain healthy partnerships!
Telephone Coaching is available
for bonded adults - and their families
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The symptoms of covert or emotional incest include specialness
- people believing without evidence that they are somehow special; and
identity loss - lost access to human qualities,
resources and emotions. Identity loss is a common consequence of trauma,
incest, abuse and cult membership. Identity loss is often accompanied by
addictive relationships and
passive aggression.
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Our systemic solutions for parent-child codependency and
inner-child work are new - few health professionals can think and work this
way. Our systemic approach helps us help
people resolve emotional and relationship issues in short time frames.
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Few men can ask for directions when driving - even when lost in a city.
Men are even less likely to ask for directions when lost in life.
Mental Health Paradox
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I have a PhD in psychology ... Many mental health professionals
specialize in their own issues and project their issues onto their clients.
Psychotherapists are notorious for codependent, dysfunctional behavior ...
don't give them power over you. Hold onto your true
self, which you can lose during
therapist abuse. California, USA
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Do mental health professionals promote healing - or codependence? Do they
prescribe drugs to heal people - or to disconnect people from their feelings and
create addiction? Much mental health seems to only control
your behavior and dissociate your emotions. We do not betray, abandon, shame or abuse people.
We can help you recover your identity.
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The best description for a person visiting a coach, counselor
or therapist is employer.
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Identity Loss & Chronic Dissociation
The more obvious symptoms of identity loss include obsessions, compulsions
and a wide array of immature and dysfunctional behavior. The causes of identity
loss are more basic.:
- Relationship Bonds: You are
bonded to another person - you are dependent
- Identification: You express someone else's emotions: chronic
anger, anxiety or
sadness
- Identity Conflict: Your behavior swings between two poles - you
live in endless conflict
- Lost Identity: You cannot express a "sense of self" - your life
may have little meaning
Children raised as special do not forget it. Later in life they
will try to prove their specialness in their relationships. Love is not
enough ... they want devotion. They may seek devotees rather than friends or
partners. And if their specialness is threatened, they may feel that life may not be worth living.
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Emotional Incest often accompanies
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) , in which a parent
or guardian alienates a partners in the mind of a child. The resulting
relationship bonds may be taboo - and cannot be
rationalized without help. |
Emotional covert incest is intergenerational - it spans generations. There is no
one person to blame. Emotional incest reflects chains of suffering going back into
your family history. Unless you recognize the symptoms of emotional incest and become
conscious of your role - these chains of suffering will likely continue
into future generations. Your children will carry your emotional
baggage.
Can you enjoy Emotional Freedom?
You probably feel connected to some people in the the families, teams and
communities to which you belong. You can probably feel a special
sharing, empathy and compassion for special people.
Entanglements refer to feelings of connection. Do you carry
other people's burdens - living, missing or dead people. Entangled
parents may try to partner you. An entangled partner may cling to
fantasies and avoid responsibility (act like a child) or become
super-responsible (act like a parent). If you participate in their fantasies -
you triangulate yourself in their
drama and history.
If your parents were unhappy, you may strive to fulfill their
unfulfilled desires. If you feel emotionally enmeshed -
you may be diagnosed as having attachment disorders,
passive aggression,
personality disorders,
sexual problems,
psychosomatic symptoms,
anxiety, guilt
and/or depression.
If you try to carry your ancestors' emotional baggage of, you will fail. If
you try to complete the unfinished business of your parents or grandparents -
you will fail. Then you may retreat into
depression, or you might distract yourself from
unpleasant feelings with
obsessions or addictions.
First children often carry a heavy emotional burden, and first
pregnancies have a higher risk of abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth.
First children have a higher risk of a fatal disease, and first children
more often suffer from chronic mental, physical and sexual
problems. We help people resolve these issues.
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One root of our coaching is in the pre-contact
healing used by
native Hawaiians. They
referred to ele'ele eke (black bags) of emotions held in the body which
were difficult to heal except through
ho'oponopono (family coaching). |
Parents who Sabotage Children
With the notable exception of abortion,
few parents deliberately kill their own children. Most parents have good
intentions - and usually strive to give their children what they lacked
when they were young. Most parents wish to protect their children, and to
support them to adult independence.
But things can go wrong. If a lonely mother uses a son as an
object for her lonely love - she may love her son in ways more appropriate for a
partner. A father may love his daughter more than he loves his wife. If
a parent loves a child as a substitute for a friend or partner, emotional chaos
will follow, often across generations. Then you can watch your
grandchildren try to cope with your unresolved issues.
Emotional incest can damage your ability to set boundaries and
take care of your own needs. It can damage your sexuality and your ability
to create and enjoy happy partnership. Emotional incest can motivate you to
avoid commitment and over-bond to your children as you recreate your parents'
drama.
If you are a Daddy's Princess
or Mother's Prince, you may relate well
to immature people (especially of the opposite sex) but not so well to mature
adults. You may find yourself sexually excited by or
falling in love with people whom you neither
like nor trust.
Dissolve Entanglements & Transference
Mistaken identity may be called
transference.
A mother may behave as if her son were her partner - or a father loves
his daughter in ways that are more appropriate for a wife. (A first son may be overly
loved by a lonely mother; and a youngest daughter may be adored by an entangled father).
For more on family enmeshment, see mother-son bonds and
father-daughter
entanglements.
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When I read your articles, I
feel strong emotions ... you know too much about me ...
you describe my
darkest fantasies ... you are like my father. ME, Idaho, USA |
Transferences are unconscious ties and emotional lies.
Transferences motivate inappropriate behavior - including marriage and
divorce. Transference can bring short-term pleasure at the high cost
of long-term happiness. Expect to hear words like ...
I loved you (only) because you remind me of ...
And when transferences fail - as they must, being lies - one or
both partners may withdraw into distractions or depression.
Then, partners bonded by entanglements or transference loops may suddenly feel empty,
or express unpleasant emotions to each other.
Instead of adding meaning to life, toxic entanglements
support manipulation, emotional blackmail and
codependence.
Demands beginning with “If you REALLY loved me you would …”
often expose transferences,
triangulation and manipulation. Our telephone coaching can dissolve these issues ...
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Adults who fixate on a
parent may be unable to maintain a partnership
- unless one partner becomes a "parent"
Coaching is available
for bonded adults - and their families
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Did your parents entangle you in their issues? Do you feel
responsible for your parents' emotions? Contact us for telephone
sessions to dissolve unwanted emotional bonds.
Do you want to
benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2009 All rights reserved.
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