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We coach heterosexual
or homosexual couples, or any two people who live or work together.
Most
relationship problems are about conflicts and
entanglements.
Systemic Couple Coaching & Conflicts
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Is your marriage or partnership in trouble?
Or is it great and you
want to make it even better? Or do you wonder if you should split? Or do
you want to find a partner? Is your partnership a cause of stress? Our couple
coaching and counseling helps many people.
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Some people get what they deserve ... and some people seem to
be
luckier than that ... but luck has little to do with happy partners. Partnership
happiness includes communication, shared goals and
conflict resolution. Common conflicts include: 1) Different understanding, 2) Goals
Conflicts, 3) Needs Conflicts and 4) Values Conflicts.
1) Understanding. When a couple do not understand each
other's communications and reactions - the couple may fight over anything. Tiny
details become important. As soon as a couple can accurately understand,
appreciate and encourage each
other's goals, needs and values, then further coaching can resolve those goals,
needs or values conflicts.
2) Goals Conflicts come in a few common flavors -
conflicts about which goal to strive for, how much of a goal to attain, when to
attain it ... and conflicts about how mutual goals should be reached.
3) Needs Conflicts. Both partners may understand that the other partner
has a problem, though if they solve the other partner's problems, this could
expose their own difficulties. Both partners agree to keep a conflict at the level
of environment, behavior or capability (they do not explore their values and
sense of identity,
only how and where they can do what).
- Identify problems in terms of partner needs, rather than
easiest solutions
- Brainstorm potential solutions which could meet both
partners' needs
- Evaluate if the potential solutions meet both partner's needs
- Choose one or more potential solutions to test
- Evaluate the consequences of various solutions, and of lack of action
- Take real-world action - mindful of the potential
consequences
- Evaluate the consequences and select next problem for
resolution
4) Values Conflicts. If one or both partners believe
that a conflict involves core values, especially values concerning ancestral
beliefs, the partners may avoid discussing the
conflict or engaging in
conflict resolution because core values are not negotiable. But history need not
be destiny, and we can help.
According to Gottman & Silver, (1999), about 70% of relationship
conflicts are in this category. Gottman called these conflicts unsolvable problems,
because the
partners' dreams and ideals are in conflict. These conflicts cannot be resolved
by ordinary problem-solving, although successful couples can learn to
accept, respect and honor each other's differing values.
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Testimonial:
Your couple coaching
helped us so much. Some of our conflicts seemed so trivial, yet caused deep
hurt. For example, my husband was irritated if I didn't walk at his side, to
show our equality, and I would sometimes walk in front of him to show my
independence ... and then we would fight ... you showed us how to respect each
other's values.
Thank you so much. IM & SM, Ljubljana, Slovenia |
Many values conflicts can be resolved with systemic coaching.
Resolving values conflicts is complex and risky - conflicts about core values may
cause partners to consider separation. Sorrow and embarrassment are passing
emotions ... and regret for time lost can be strong motivation to make the most
of what time remains. We find that lasting conflict resolution requires:
- Confirming that both partners want to explore their values
- Gaining relevant information with systemic diagnosis
- Sharing expertise, opinions, beliefs and values
- Allowing partners time to ponder and choose
People rarely change values while relating to someone
with an opposing value. They may change later, when in a pleasant emotional state
with time to ponder and choose consequences. Attempting to resolve a Values
Conflicts as if it was a Needs Conflict or Goals Conflict can lead to mentor damage,
and unpleasant beliefs such as, "We cannot resolve our conflicts".
We help partners resolve individual issues and partnership
conflicts. Our couple coaching includes individual coaching
(to resolve objections, inner conflicts, identity issues and trauma etc).
Our couple coaching includes elements of systemic family therapy;
team coaching and community coaching.
Our couple coaching includes pre-marital counseling and help
for people considering long-term partnership or mutual effort. We help people solve
partnership problems. We can help you evaluate and change your
goals, roles, patterns, rules and beliefs. We can help you sort out
relationships with your parents, parents-in-law, past-partners and other people
who adversely affect your partnership.
If you want sympathy, you've come to the wrong store. Instead,
we can help you and your partner evaluate your relationship,
and identify your conflicts ... and resole them. We can also help you
define partnership goals and partnership responsibilities.
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Systemic Couple Coaching: Our Story
Dear Reader ...
Martyn Carruthers asked me to share our experience with you.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years with two adorable
daughters; I am a human resources director and he is a therapist. We
think of our relationship as fulfilling in every aspect and we are
happy to have each others commitment, trust and love. We could
communicate constructively and sort out most of our stuff.
However, there were "small" and "big" issues that we
could not sort out ourselves. We were too involved with our own processes
to concentrate on our partnership and long term consequences.
Some two years ago we decided we wanted professional support to enable
us to live towards our common goals, as well as our
personal and professional goals.
Both of us are psychologists
and we know many therapists who offer marriage counseling, but we did not feel
comfortable with their standard approach which tries to fix people. For
two years we searched for someone with a deep understanding of relationships
as well as a straight-to-the-point-and-no-bullshit-approach.
A few months ago we met Martyn Carruthers in Zagreb and
we both sensed he could be the guy we could work
with ... this was our introduction to Soulwork couple coaching.
Some "big issues" turned
out to be symptoms of "small issues" and we resolved issues that we
suffered for years in a couple of sessions, while gaining deep insights. We not only
resolved issues, we explored what was happening "backstage" so we gained
valuable perspectives and experience.
Martyn's couple
coaching showed us how to be more sensitive to each other's
perception and interpretation, and to the consequences of our deeds and
ambitions. It also gave us clarity in our other relationships with our other
family members.
Our couple-coaching sessions were dynamic,
goal-orientated and inspiring. Sometimes, there were tears, sometimes
deep dialogues and, what surprised us most, many times we had good
and healthy laughter, even over serious issues. We value this
as clients and as professionals.
We believe that no matter how good a
relationship is, it can be better, and both of us want to
continue to grow not just as two individuals, but as a couple and as a
family. This is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and
to our daughters. We are now both attending Martyn's coach training.
KH & MH, Zagreb, Croatia |
Systemic Marriage Counseling for Couples
If you feel plagued by problems, you may seek explanations
within popular psychology, you may blame traumatic experiences or you may decide that we're just
not meant to be together. We can help you.
Usually, the most motivated partner asks for coaching.
This may be the partner who suffers most, or the partner who
most wants to end a problem, or the one who most wants happiness.
After the initial contact, our couple coaching begins with assessment, with
questions like:
- Where are you both now in your relationship?
- What do you argue, quarrel or fight about?
- What do you each want the other to change?
- What else could stop you both being content?
- How do you want to make decisions together?
- What do you each want to change in yourselves?
- What gets in the way of your happiness together?
For committed partners, these questions may bring profound discussion and
unexpected answers - and exploring these questions together can accelerate
couple coaching. For people in affairs or symbiotic relationships, these questions
may seem irrelevant. (For partners in crisis or for ex-partners, these questions may
trigger arguments.)
Can you learn to give, from sufficiency, not only to take,
from neediness? Some ideas for partnership first-aid are:
- Resolve a minor conflict using a win-win model
- Invest an hour planning a partnership project for mutual
pleasure
- Invest a half hour talking about past and present dreams
of partnership
- Explore activities that each person would like to do but
felt unable to do
- Invest 10 minutes each day talking about what is
happening in their community
- Invest 10 minutes talking and listening to each other
about some external issue
- Invest 10 minutes each day talking about what is
happening in both partners' lives
The next phase of Partnership Coaching is more complex. Our
structure includes Premarital
Coaching, Post-Abortion Coaching, Reconciliation and
Divorce Coaching; with our unique
coaching tools for resolving
guilt, transferences,
toxic bonds, trauma and
mentor damage etc.
On completion, you and your partner can decide whether
you both want to continue together, or if one of you prefers to separate, or if
you
want to participate in a trial reconciliation, with opportunities to use the
communication skills that you learned during our coaching.
Testimonial:
My wife and
I attended marriage counseling last year to discuss how our life might be
better. But we wanted much more than the counselor could provide ... couple coaching
with Martyn Carruthers helped us sort out many unpleasant issues. We ended
our bad feelings about our abortion, my wife's abuse by her uncle
when she was ten years old and my sexual experiments when I was a teenager.
It was definitely soul-work. We cleared up
my issues about my first wife's death and my new wife's fascination
with a man she works with. We also realized I was too close to my new wife's
teenage daughter - my wife didn't like that we were so close but she didn't know how to deal
with it. Now I'm just our daughter's step-Dad and not a special friend.
Now we both feel we can help each other handle pretty much anything
life throws at us. JP & SP, London, England |
This phase of our couple coaching explores ways for a couple
to resolve objections, conflicts and old relationships etc,
while developing and building mutual respect and restoring intimacy. Together,
we resolve complex relationship entanglements, and help both
partners learn to coach each other.
Unlock your
personal and career success, your relationships and your life choices.
Live an inspired and passionate life ... together.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 1999-2010 |
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