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Are you entangled in difficult
relationships? Do you still suffer from childhood trauma?
Do you suffer from
your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your boss's moods?
Do you want to untangle yourself?
We developed systemic solutions to help people define
and achieve success and relationship goals. Relationship goals can be a
desire for friendship, partnership or parenthood, etc, or can be the shared
goals of partners, families and teams. Our relationships can be strongly
influenced by other people ... we often refer to these influences as
entanglements, post-hypnotic suggestions and relationship bonds.
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Even after I had left home for eight years, I
wasn't living my own life. It was like I was living my older
brother's goals and fantasies. Even the details ... I was only attracted to
women who looked like my sister-in-law. You helped me clean up this mess. I
stopped being an imitation. Now I live my own life. Toronto, Canada |
Relationship bonds (relational bonds, fixations, emotional
bonds, fixed ideas and psychological bonds) refer to obsessions and
compulsions motivated by relationship events.
Bonded behavior can be on a spectrum from ambivalent commitment to
total obedience. Relationship bonds can motivate compliance and loyalty, and also
addictions, compulsive behaviors and limiting beliefs.
Relationship bonds are not limited to people. We formulated a
hierarchy of bond types:
- Bonds to possessions, things, places, buildings, parts
of town
- Bonds to activities, games, ritual movements, cultural
activities
- Bonds to capabilities - and to schools, colleges and
professional organizations
- Bonds to beliefs - fixed ideas about people or
things - "All men are xxx"
- Bonds to values - fixations - "my values are
better than your values"
- Bonds to identity - fixed ideas about the nature of
self - "I am X"
- Bonds to the world/universe/cosmos - "The world is
Y"
We coach people to evaluate bonded beliefs and behaviors as an
integral part of our systemic solutions. We coach people to explore
what prevents or support success, and to change unwanted influences on their thoughts,
emotions and behavior. These unwanted influences often show up as fixations,
obsessions and compulsions.
Who is Conscious of Relationship Bonds?
Few people seem to be aware of who really influences
their behavior, apart from some figures such as a parent, boss, president or
religious leader, so we
designate bonds as conscious, knowable and taboo. We
coach people to evaluate and change unwanted bonds to people in families,
schools and religions, etc, and to reject unwanted marketing and other
manipulative influences.
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Children bond to people who meet their needs.
Bonding is likely by six months; and almost certain by one year, unless the
relationship system is severely disturbed. Trauma results if a bonded relationship
is threatened or severed.
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As family members seem to be the most influential people in
our early lives, we coach people to discover if they have accepted limiting beliefs as
truth. We also coach people to discover who they have accepted as substitutes for
parents,
siblings, partners and children etc.
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Assess Relationship Bonds
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- Observe relationship behavior
- Observe nonverbal signals
- Evaluate body sensations
- Evaluate emotional reality
- Evaluate metaphoric reality
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- Explore relationship history
- Explore the origin of limiting beliefs
- Explore blocks to goals and plans
- Explore psychosomatic symptoms
- Explore obsessions or compulsions
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Information from these sources can be correlated and integrated
to evaluate the cause and consequences of relationship connections, bonds,
transferences, entanglements and attachments.
In practice, we focus on relationships that the client
wants to improve or end, an on relationships that somehow prevent or delay a
person achieving a chosen goal. (Bonded relationships need not be current, nor
with living people - often, people want and need to clarify relationships with past
partners and relationships with people who have died.)
1. Observe external behavior:
People who are pleasantly bonded to other people usually
appear relaxed, happy, and enthusiastic while with those people. People who are
unpleasantly bonded may express verbal and nonverbal tension and
depression when together. You can observe human bonding behavior:
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Observe Bonded Behavior |
- Time and place together
- Behavior when together
- Reciprocal attachment
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- Excuses, blame, complaints
- Inclusion into systems
- Nonverbal signals
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By nonverbal signals we refer to unconscious body
movements and vocal changes. Common nonverbal indicators are that the voice
become quieter and the tonality becomes childish. Note a person's gestures when
talking about the relationship - gestures often indicate body locations
affected by bonds.
Behavior such as
forced laughing and limited responses are more likely in conflicted
relationships. You can observe people's ability to recognize and respond
to each others' non-verbal cues (e.g., eye contact, smiling, touching,
voice tonality etc.).
- How and how often do the people touch?
- Do they seek comfort and guidance from each
other?
- Do they make eye contact and smile at
each other?
- How do they respond to each other's signs of
hunger, thirst, or tiredness?
You can assess how a relationship is viewed by a human system
such as a community (school, work, friends, neighbors or extended family). This
can include:
- Does a person identify self as a member of the system?
- Do other system members consider a person to be a member?
- Does a person rely upon and trust the system while in
their care?
- Is a person accepted as a system member by the
larger community?
2. Explore Relationship History
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Relationship history provides important information when assessing bonds.
As we explore relationship
history, we make a relationship timeline of pregnancies, births,
parental conflicts, partnerships, parenthood and deaths, etc.
3. Evaluate Descriptions of Subjective Experience
The closest relationships in a person's life are likely with
the parents, siblings, intimate partners and children, and with people who are
perceived as substitutes for these relationships. Our systemic diagnosis
helps us assess the closeness and type of relationships.
Bonding can be conceptualized as reciprocal attachment,
which people want and expect to continue, and which, if interrupted or terminated,
may affect the behavior of both people.
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Examples of Subjective Descriptions of Relationship Bonds |
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Known bonds (e.g. I feel connected to my
ex-partner) are often easily visualized as colored, dark or gray
connections to another person. Some New Age 'therapists' recommend cutting
these connections - and we absolutely don't. At risk is your ability to bond
to people at all.
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A well-known NLP
trainer suggested that we cut bonds with every person every day. I
started doing this and it felt good at first ... I have since divorced
and find I am not motivated to visit my family or my children ... and that trainer had an ugly
divorce after sexual affairs with students. Honolulu, Hawaii |
If you have done something like this, imagine
how your "feelings of connection" would feel and look!
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We
joined Amway and tried to recruit our family and friends.
After a year we had no friends, only business associates, and our family were
cautious about us. I can't blame them; we had become evangelical about Amway.
After we quit MLM, it took us about two years to create a new circle of friends,
who we now treasure. That 'business opportunity' now feels like a ton of black
weight on our shoulders! Phoenix, Arizona |
Taboo bonds are usually perceived as dark or
grey shapes, within or close to the body. They are sometimes described as
esoteric entities, as they may be spontaneously visualized as geometric shapes,
clouds, weapons, instruments of torture or (often unpleasant) living things.
Some may be called evidence of black magic or even demons.
Incompetent therapists who try to make bonds go away, may
succeed in dissociating or fragmenting the bonds. A common consequence is
that the associated emotions and beliefs become diffuse - and more difficult to
identify and resolve. We often help people recover from inappropriate
techniques.
Continued in Assess
Relationship Bonds Part 2
Summary
Loyalty and commitment to products, people
or political agendas; and to obsessions, compulsions and limiting beliefs, are
examples of relationship bonds that can be changed. We help motivated adults
understand and change their motivations or obsessions.
Would you like to benefit from
our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005-2010 All rights reserved.
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