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Adopting children can lead to divorce,
toxic family secrets
and unhealthy relationship bonds. We offer solutions.
Coaching Adult
Children of Difficult Parents
Coping with Adoption
Many couples who wish to experience or extend parenthood,
want to adopt a child. Perhaps one partner is infertile.
Or maybe they were always too busy ... until they were too late. Or maybe they
kept having miscarriages. Adopting a child
can be joyous and exciting - it can also be frustrating and uncertain. Many potential
adoptive parents seeking joy instead experience confusion, disappointment and discouragement.
Some people who want to adopt children may be searching for
themselves. An adult with a rejected inner child
may feel strongly motivated to adopt an abandoned child. We suggest that
potential adoptive parents clarify their emotions before adopting a real child.
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I wanted to adopt a child. I am 45, and I
had a HUGE urge to find and help a child who was abused or abandoned. When you
coached me to explore my feelings, I discovered that I was searching for an
abandoned part of myself! Croatia |
Adopting children creates
special problems for both children and their adoptive families.
Common problems include unmet expectations and poor adjustment.
A key issue is how well the adoptive parents can cope with and solve
the usually-unexpected problems presented by adopted children.
Adopted children need endless support to adjust to their new
family, school and community. They may have more physical and mental health problems
than other children. Failure to support adopted children can disrupt adoptive families
and return the adopted children to state care with more emotional burdens than before.
Adopted children may have
pervasive health and emotional problems, attachment
disorders, nightmares, adjustment disorders and
learning disabilities. Adopted children may
have histories of multiple foster placements, abuse and neglect, rejection and
abandonment as well as disjointed education. Adopted teenagers with poor social
skills and delayed emotional development can be especially problematic, often
showing signs of passive aggression ... or
straightforward aggression.
Systemic Family Coaching
Adopted children may not discuss their early family, yet
reflect them in every action as relationship bonds.
Systemic coaching offers solutions for relationship bonds. Adopting a child can
be a blessing - or can result in chaos for the family and the separation of the
adoptive parents. A key is that potential adoptive parents enjoy a stable and
happy partnership ... adopted children
will test all theories.
We help adoptive parents
evaluate
partnership and resolve identity issues:
- If a parent acts resourceless, children may
try to grow up too quickly
- If a parent acts like a victim, children may
respond with chronic anger
- If a parent acts like a failure, children may
respond with chronic fear
- If a parent is dead or absent, children may
respond with chronic sadness
- If a parent acts guilty, children may try to
express the parent's guilt
- If a parent blames them, children may
act out to reveal what is true
- If a parent forces children to take sides in
parental conflicts, children will suffer
Suggestions for Adoptive Parents
Talk about adoption early and often. Pace the child’s developing emotions with a gradual introduction.
Perhaps mention adoption around age 3, and discuss it throughout your
child’s childhood. Do you need Parent Coaching?
1. Respect the Genetic Parents
Following adoption, some adoptive parents pretend
to be the biological parents. Talk to your children about
their biological parents with respect. Even if - or especially if - one or
both genetic parents are missing, alcoholic, dead, in prison, or avoid
meeting their children.
2. Love the Children
Adopted children are often super-sensitive to the emotions,
moods and conflicts of the adoptive parents. Take time to express
love to adopted children, regardless of whether they are
well behaved, polite, have tidy bedrooms or eat their broccoli.
(Most children spell LOVE as T-I-M-E)!
3. Children need Mature Parents
Many adopted children try to take sides between
real and substitute parents.
Repeatedly reassure children that they do not have to choose any
parent as being better in any way than any other parent. Reassure adopted
children that the adoptive parents are substitutes for the biological
parents.
4. Do not blame the Children
The genetic parents may have blamed their children for their
own problems. The children may dream of reuniting their family. They may show
learning disabilities or psychosomatic symptoms. Explain to the children that
you are substitutes for
their parents - and that they cannot bring Mom and Dad together.
5. Fight Fair - away from Children
Adoption is an intense time for any family and often raises
conflicts. Avoid arguing near adopted children - or any children. Organize
times and places away from the children to resolve conflicts. If a talk becomes
an argument, STOP, TAKE TIME and RESCHEDULE your discussion.
6. Minimize Change
Although adopting a child will create many changes for your
family, continuity is important. Make the children's environment as familiar
as possible, including their favorite things, photographs, toys,
blankets, etc. Offer children a home - not a building.
7. Encourage Meetings
Discuss how your children can have maximum benefit
and happiness if or when they meet a genetic parent. Avoid asking children
to deliver messages, to spy or to obtain information. Compliment the genetic
parents as much as appropriately possible.
8. Get Adult Support
Adoption can be a difficult time for everybody. Adoptive parents
need mature emotional support from family, friends, counselors, clergy, etc.
Avoid asking children to support you.
Support your children.
9. Talk about Feelings
During stressful times, children may misbehave. They may
age-regress (act much younger) or they may
try to grow up quickly and act in an overly mature fashion. Ask
children how they feel, and what they think or imagine is going on. Help
children express THEIR feelings ... don't complain about yours!
10. Make an Appointment ... Take the initiative and
contact us
Systemic Coaching & Adoption
We coach adults who are considering adoption or who have adopted
children. We coach adoptive parents stay focused on their goals and move forward.
We also coach step-parents to coach their adopted children and the biological
parents of adopted children to cope with their loss.
We recommend
that parents have couple coaching, to resolve outstanding emotional issues and
sort out partnership issues - including conflicts and limiting beliefs.
We coach partners to appreciate and support each other's
perspectives, motivations and goals.
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Feedback |
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I have been updating my skills to
practice as a professional life coach and decided to attend Soulwork
training. It turned out to be well worth the effort. The training Martyn
Carruthers offers in clarifying and resolving even the most entangled
and traumatic family situations is by far the most effective I have
experienced.
He builds on the work of well-known figures such as Virginia Satir in a
powerfully intuitive manner and his use of such tools as
family mapping, family rules, accessing the unconscious and psychodrama
would be particularly appropriate and effective in the area of post
adoption work.
In situations where children are behaving according to dysfunctional
birth-family rules they learnt for survival, there will be a clash if
this behaviour is misinterpreted in the adoptive family. Martyn
Carruthers' systemic coaching brings clarity, enabling individuals to become
conscious of their emotional and mental habits and inappropriate coping
mechanisms that affect their relationships. His work enables individuals to
diffuse and dissolve these patterns and make healthier choices.
These processes are demonstrated wherever possible rather than relying
on an academic approach of only teaching theory. I find this particularly
effective.
Pamela Vass MA (Devon, UK) Professional Coach OneonOnecoaching |
Do you want to dissolve emotional and
relationship blocks?
Do you want to
build and maintain quality relationships?
Do you want to
benefit from our experience?
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Carruthers 2004-2010 All rights reserved |
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